That_girl Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 Some of you probably know my threads because I have been posting about the same emotionally abuse ex for some time now. I broke up with him about 2 months ago because things were just getting out of control with his constant criticisms and his controlling behaviour. He was also borderline physically abuse in that he used to punch things around me and even grabbed me once in anger and shook me. He cheated too....and I took him back for a bit, but all of the other stuff he was doing was just TOO MUCH. I didn't want to break up with him at all. I loved him..and he does have a lot of nice qualities too...but I think I made the right decision. Anyway, we do have a lot of mutual friends...so we ended up at the same party this weekend. I had an idea he would be there and wasn't going to go initially...but my friends convinced me that he doesn't own the entire world, and that I should just go with them and have a good time. When we got there, I said hello to everyone BUT him...including his very close friends. I was really friendly with everyone else, but I just couldn't bear to look at him. He was VERY rude to my friends, and acted like he didn't have the time to have a conversation with anyone. Within a couple of minutes, he was gone and left the party by himself. Am I crazy for feeling kinda terrible? I feel like I was responsible for him leaving and that he must hate my guts. When we broke up, he agreed that if I wasn't happy- I should break up with him. But when I tried to explain what he was doing to hurt me, he was never able to empathize or even try to understand my perspective. He just sees me as this cold-hearted bitch who broke HIS heart. When in reality, he broke the relationship before it even really started when he screwed around with some other woman while he was on drugs. Why do I feel so bad for him? I hate him in way...for making me feel so guilty about everything. He didn't have to leave on account of me...I wouldn't have bothered him. In fact, I would have probably said hello at some point, I just felt really awkward. And he look pretty unimpressed that I was there...I could tell by the way he ran outta there! I feel stupid for even going to that party now. He probably thinks I went on purpose just to spoil his night. I broke down in front of a bunch of friends last night....they get angry at how much I talk about this...and they think he is a total douchebag. I want to see things their way too...but I just can't! My ex is such a sensitive person, and I clearly damaged him if he can't even wave or say 'hi'. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 i guess all that depends on YOUR motivation for going. if you knew you'd run into him and it would ruin his night, seems selfish for going (and more selfish for your friends to convince you to do so). if you expected the both of you to remain calm and it not have any effect on either of you...i think that's a bit deluded, it sounds like the both of you still have issues with each other. me personally, i'll avoid anything from now on just to not see my ex. she's done some obvious moves to make sure she's at events that i love (with a new guy) so from now on, i'm sparing myself the drama. who cares if my friends think i'm an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I dont know why I went. I didn't want to be at home alone while all of my friends were at a party with my ex-boyfriend. And yeah I guess it was kinda selfish....I didn't think that he would actually leave because of me. But now I feel pretty terrible. I guess I would be lying if I said there wasn't a part of me that actually wanted to see him. My friends are just annoyed with me because they're wondering why it's taking me so long to get over someone that is potentially abusive. They really dislike him, and I guess they didn't want me to miss out on things because of him. Really wish I stayed home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted June 6, 2011 Author Share Posted June 6, 2011 I wanted a reaction from him. I was hoping that seeing me again would make him miss me or want to talk to me. I feel guilty for ending things. I HATE being the dumper. So much easier to be dumped. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 so far i've been fortunate enough not to run into him. but then - - we don't really have any mutual friends or hang out at the same places. i know he was hanging out at the sports bar right across the street from me so i make it a point not to set foot in there. which isn't hard for me to do because i hate sports and i hate bars and the idea of running into my ex with his new girl would be enough to make me vomit it sounds like your ex has some major issues that he needs to work out. i would suggest avoiding places you know he's going to be from now on. i agree with flitzanu, going to that party when you knew he was going to be that was a bad idea. and your friends were not behaving like friends in advising you to do so. i'm not sure why they bothered inviting him at at all if they think he's a douche bag and knew there was a good chance he'd start trouble over you being there sounds to me like they were courting drama and excitement which was exactly what happened. personally, i hate drama and avoid it at all costs. if you can handle it, it's up to you. but it doesn't sound very healthy and certainly won't allow you to heal and mvoe on. don't do the your friends any more favors and stay at home next time they try to invite you to a place/event where the ex going to be as well. no he doesn't own the world but there are plenty of places in this world you can go where he won't be.... Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 6, 2011 Share Posted June 6, 2011 I wanted a reaction from him. I was hoping that seeing me again would make him miss me or want to talk to me. I feel guilty for ending things. I HATE being the dumper. So much easier to be dumped. that's the honesty i was looking for i'm not here to judge you, again, you know your motivation. i didn't think your motivation was to RUIN his night, but i figured you wanted the chance to bump into him. as for your friends...i'm sorry ladies...but it is driving me CRAZY how influential women are to their friends. a girl's biggest competition is her own girlfriends, not other women. i'm not generalizing or being chauvinistic, just that it's much easier for a woman to convince her woman friend to believe the smallest of lies/truths about a potential bf/exbf than a guy will to his guy friend. if he's a douche, then stay away. stay away as long as YOU want, and as long as you NEED. nay, scratch "need", you stay away as long as you want. they aren't you, they don't need to determine how quickly your heart or feelings should change. you'll be over it the day you wake up and realize that you've not thought of him in days and didn't even notice. (my 2c) Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I still don't see why you should feel bad, for him. Did you cheat? Were you bordering on physical abuse? Were you the one with anger problems? I'd run away from this guy into the opposite direction. Link to post Share on other sites
Author That_girl Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah he definitely treated me badly throughout the relationship. He belittled me, criticized me constantly and generally just made me feel "not good enough". The cheating was something I tried to get over, but the way he handles aggression was just not for me. I guess I feel bad because I feel like it was more his friend throwing the party, than mine. And I should have respected that...even though all of my own friends were going AND I was personally invited. I also feel like I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of thinking that I went to see him. I guess I feel guilty because he left as well, and seeing that he is affected by this that he had to leave isn't exactly making me feel good:( Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Yeah he definitely treated me badly throughout the relationship. He belittled me, criticized me constantly and generally just made me feel "not good enough". The cheating was something I tried to get over, but the way he handles aggression was just not for me. I guess I feel bad because I feel like it was more his friend throwing the party, than mine. And I should have respected that...even though all of my own friends were going AND I was personally invited. I also feel like I shouldn't have given him the satisfaction of thinking that I went to see him. I guess I feel guilty because he left as well, and seeing that he is affected by this that he had to leave isn't exactly making me feel good:( feeling bad just shows you're human. be thankful for that at least, and the fact that you're not a cold hearted sociopath. Link to post Share on other sites
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