Falling apart

[Karala]

I'm so ashamed of myself. Tonight I was supposed to have dinner with a friend of mine, it was the first day I was to get out the house since I last saw my ex and we made the breakup final and I started NC. As I went outside I began to notice how totally unprotected I felt, like if anybody talked to me the wrong way I didn't know if I'd be able to contain myself and not just break into a nervous breakdown of some kind. That's a very scary way to feel and something I haven't felt since the darkest days of my teenage years and early twenties, when I was really messed up.

 

I kept going and took the suburb train to the city anyway. Popped some Xanax and just figured I'd be okay.

But I was only getting worse and worse as I approached the time and place we were supposed to meet.

I had to drop by my place first and there it was, the dead silence, everything still in place, the bed that I shared with him less than a week ago, the bottle of rum from which we made cocktails, every single object that he had touched and everything that was part of our lives together for the past years.

 

I realized that I was not in capacity to go through an evening with a girlfriend and make small talk. I didn't even feel capable of going out again and be sure I wouldn't have a panic attack.

 

I texted her to cancel, 5 minutes before the time we were supposed to meet. I hate myself so much for doing that.

 

I had appointments tomorrow, I know I won't be able to keep them.

 

I'm locked at my place now, I've just called my dad to ask and pick me up because I know I can't go out now. I'm so thankful to have parents that are so supportive, I'd be dead now if it wasn't for them.

 

I so much want to believe that I can make it through this breakup but maybe I just can't, just don't have it in me. I've been couped up at home for 5 days now, I'm okay when I'm at home with no obligations and just taking care of myself, I thought I could handle the outside world again but obviously I can't. What if I find out I can't do it for weeks or months to come?

 

The shame I feel is unbearable, I've been avoiding my friends' call for days, they will inevitably come to understand the reason why I'm unable to function and just think I'm a miserable pitiful wreck for falling apart like that.

I just want to disappear from the face of the earth, but I know the longer I'll do that, the more impossible it will be to surface again.

 

Please give me hope. I don't want to kill myself, I don't want to end up destroyed, but now I feel maybe I just don't have the strenght.

[Karala]

Losing control and falling apart in public is my worst fear, and one I hadn't felt for years. It's coming up with a vengeance now.

 

Please don't tell me to try therapy, I've done therapy for most of my adult life and none of it ever really helped. The last shrink I've tried was 2 months ago, she was this top-notch extremely expensive EMDR therapist and I stopped seeing her after only a month and a half, when I realized that I was only feeling worse after a session, and that the best piece of advice she had to give me when I asked her what I should do when the pain would become unbearable, was to ring a friend and go to the movies.

[Karala]

You're right, I need to trust my friends more and not be so terrified that they'll take pity on me for being hurt.

 

I've just always been like that, don't want to show people my feelings, I always want to maintain this cool unaffected exterior, I'm so afraid they'll think I'm weak and not so great after all if I let them see how much it hurts that my ex rejected me.

 

Especially since I've managed to maintain this exterior for the past first few months of the breakup. They'll just think "oh it was all just an act, she can't own up to her feelings, that's even more lame than having the hurt feelings from being rejected in the first place", at least that's what I can't stop thinking.

 

I feel so humiliated now. I'm so afraid that my ex will hear about how I can't even leave the house for now and he'll think how right he was for rejecting such a weak person. I so want to prove him wrong, but it seems like for the moment, I can't.

Edited June 7, 2011 by Karala
slip of word

[Karala]

it's only been a week. cut yourself some slack. it's okay to be scared, and it's also completely normal. i'm 2 months separated and still scared about the future. i don't want to meet new people, but everyday i get a little stronger. then i take a couple of steps back, but then get stronger again. just be patient. when you're ready, you'll be ready.

 

try and get some exercise.

 

Actually, it's been 3 months and a half since we first separated and went on this strange stupid break. 2 months and a half since the "official" breakup... by email (I'll never get over it that I could do anything so lame and stupid). But all this time I was in complete denial about it all and just thought we would be back together soon.

 

So yeah, it's been about a week since we had the last discussion/explanation and decided to cut contact, and it really hit me that we were over for good.

It's f---ed up that my ex and I aren't even in synch about our own breakup. Apparently, it was final for him since february, so that's when he hit the low point and it seems like he's doing much better already. When for me, it feels like it's only just beginning. I can't shake the fear that I'll be couped up at home for a very long time, all the while he'll be enjoying life, having a great time and of course, be all over Facebook letting the whole world know about it. (I deleted my own FB a while ago because I couldn't take the game playing anymore)

 

As for exercise, I usually do exercise a lot (ballet work-out 4 to 5 times a week) and as much as I love it, I'm sorry to say it never did much to keep me from being depressed or unable to sleep.

And anyway, I can't do it now that I'm away from the city and my dance school, I'm staying at my parents' house in the suburbs and from what happened yesterday I gather that I can't count on myself for being able to go out much for now.

 

Thanks a lot anyway for the suggestions and thanks in advance for any kind words, piece of advice or words of wisdom from anybody who's been in my sorry place before.

[Thatguyintx]

I would venture to say the majority of the people here have felt similar to you. Otherwise, they wouldn't be here, right?

 

There was definitely a period where I felt like I was empty and unable to just function. A very good friend gave me some advice that really helped me out. He said to focus on one thing that "needs" you. Live for that one thing. If you have a kid or a pet or a friend that also needs support, focus on them and make your day about how you are going to provide them what they need. And before you say you don't have any of those, you aren't looking very hard. Everyone is needed by someone or something.

 

Whether you are a spiritual person or not, I'll be praying for you. Hoping you find peace and understanding real soon!

[Karala]

Thank you so much. I really need to hear that people have been as fragile and unstable as I am these days and still managed to make it out of it alright after some time. Rationally I know that's what's probably gonna happen to me too, but sometimes I get panicky that I'll be the one person that stays in pain forever and never finds a way out of it.

 

 

Your suggestion is golden and is something I'm doing already somewhat. I don't have kids, but I have two adult kitties adopted from a pet refuge, that I got just recently, after the first few weeks of my "first" break-up with my ex. I love them to death (always been a pet and especially cat lover) and they have helped me tremendously in getting through these hard times. Pets have so much to give you, for me they're one of the greatest joys of life.

 

I am doing my best to take as good care of them as possible - taking time to play with them, looking after their health, keeping the litter box clean etc, even searching the internet about the best cat food available, lol - and yeah, it feels good to be needed in some way and to know that even in the poor state that I am in these days, I can still do good for someone/something (my cats are more people to me than things lol)

 

Thanks to you and to your friend, I'll be keeping that piece of advice in mind.

And yeah, I am a spiritual person and any prayers are more than welcome.

Thanks again. :]

[vsmini]

The breakup happened recently and many people are the same way. When I felt strong enough I would talk to my girlfriends that offered their support and when I wanted to hole myself up in my apartment and cancel plans - I did so. It's so early that this is ok to do. If you're still doing this months from now - then I would be worried.

Take this time to feel like crap and don't make yourself feel guilty for it.

[Karala]

... It's so early that this is ok to do. If you're still doing this months from now - then I would be worried.

Take this time to feel like crap and don't make yourself feel guilty for it.

 

Thanks a lot for giving me permission, I'll hold you responsible for my self-indulging now (lol, not really)

 

What makes me feel bad about myself is when I tell myself the breakup was months ago already... but in actuality I never believed it was for real and part of me was convinced it was just a break and we were going to be together again soon. And I certainly devoted all of my energy to make it so (reading all I could about getting your ex back and doing it all), and not to face the reality of what had happened and try and accept it.

 

Today is exactly a week from when I last saw my ex and we had our closure last meet-up. So yeah, I guess it's okay to say that things are still very fresh and it's okay that I still feel like such a mess at times.

 

I should already be thankful that I'm doing fairly okay as long as I'm staying in the house and taking care of myself, and that I have the opportunity to do that. And I am thankful and grateful actually.

 

I need to remember that I will most probably be able to get out the house again and do stuff but it's okay if it's taking me some time. This guy I really thought (at least hoped) I would have a life, possibly children etc. with, so this is a lot to get over.

Funny (well not really) how it hurts at least as much to get over the future you'll never have with someone, the fantasies about what you thought would be and you now know never will be, as it does to get over the past and what you really actually had.

[clementyne]

hang in there! whatever you're feeling, i.e. fragile and unstable, etc is NORMAL. it is NOT weak, so please don't beat yourself up about it, coz we've all been there. the emotions you're feeling are all part of a process, which at times can and will be very painful and make you feel very vulnerable, but as i said, it's all normal and natural, so just take it as it comes and go easy on youself.

 

try not to think about what your ex may or may not be thinking, because then you are giving them the power to control your emotions. try to focus back on yourself and what YOU think. that's all that matters...everyone else (or those who don't really matter) can take a backseat for now...and your friends will (or should) understand...that's why they're your friends...so trust in them to understand and support you through this.

 

and for what it's worth, i have had several moments over the last couple of days where i thought i was going to fall apart...but somehow i forced myself to stay strong and focus on what's important...and right now that's me. the only way i could do that is by getting and staying angry. because it just makes me all the more determined to continue with total NC until i reach my NC target and i can trust myself not to crumble and then maybe think about moving on to LC. but right now i'm putting myself first and you should too.

 

if there's no-one else, just be your own best friend...be kind and loving to yourself...give yourself little treats and do things that make you feel good...or whatever you wanna do (e.g. staying home and spending some time alone)...and just basically give yourself the love and care that you are missing from elsewhere...hopefully you will start feeling strong again xx

Edited June 8, 2011 by clementyne