So how many of you have had the "Second Chances" work out???

[Cutie314]

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So how many of you have had your "second chances" work out?

 

I am new to this board and have seen many topics relating to questions about getting back together, but I am interested in how many have worked out.

 

I would love to hear about the good and bad experiences.

 

Thanks!

[HokeyReligions]

I've had third chances work out.

 

Welcome to LS!

[fredrolin]

Depends on what caused the break up.

 

With cheating (by me or my mate) second chances never worked, once the trust is gone it's never the same.

 

all my other break ups were due to fading interests in each other.

[trueblue]

I think it definitely depends on the reasons for breaking up and whether or not they are actually resolved when you get back together. I agree that if the reason is cheating, it's almost impossible. Also, sometimes the person that breaks up panics and runs back too quick (usually when they find out the ex is dating)-- this doesn't often work either because there wasn't enough time to work out the issues and the person is running back for the wrong reasons -- fear instead of genuinely coming to a place where they can determine what they want. Another issue with this (I know because I've been the one to panic and run back) is that the person coming back will overlook the fact that there are issues and not work at all to change them. Then what typically happens is a few months later they wake up and realize that the issues they had the first time they broke up are still there.

 

It can work, I think, but there has to be trust, a genuine commitment from both sides to work on any issues, honesty from both sides as to what the issues are, and no resentment from the dumped party. Plus I think any second chances should be entered in to slowly. Probably more likely to work if the person who was dumped sets up some ground rules and is cool about it instead of smothering the person coming back, also not a good idea for this person to do a lot of guilt tripping -- they need to decide to let all of the anger and hurt of the break up go -- if they can't they're not ready for a second chance.

 

Sorry for the rambling, but I just think it basically needs to start over with a completely clean slate. Neither person with significantly more power or guilt, no resentment, no trust issues. This is very hard to do, but if you handle it right and take it slow, not impossible. Not many people would do it, but I think the best way to do it would be to go to couples counseling together until you get back on track. If you are the one that was dumped, this could even be one of your requirements when they try to come back to you. If they refuse, then say fine, not interested. If they really care they'll end up doing it. If they don't care enough about it to do this then it's better that you find out now.

[wow2000]

True blue u r so correct because this is exactly what is happeneing in my life. We broke up 2 months ago and we went out for 3 years. She gave me a bitch attitude for the first month and then I decided to go on a month long holiday. I cleared my mind and got over her with closure and all. I got back from my trip and payed my ex a visit, to drop off her belongings.

 

Now durring my holiday I met a lady to spend time with and maybe have a relationship with. So all my mates new this and my ex's friends as well. Now when I met my ex she suddenly asked me all these intimate questions about my "new" girlfirend. Then she broke down and wanted me back. Over a period of 4 days my ex sent me gifts, text messages and written letters.

 

I am very weary about all of this because I want to know y now? We broke up because I cheated on her at the beginig of our 3 year relationship and I am supposedly controlling. But now to her I am this great guy who is loving, carring, honest, good looking (EGO BOOST).

 

Should I get on this wave and see where it leads to because I can get off when I want to because I feel emotionally strong?

And yes I would like her back but we must take it slow eg 3 months.

 

PS I slept with her last night, good thing or bad thing?

 

Any Ideas?

[Becks84]

WOW2000-

Bad thing that you slept with her last night. You took out the time for a month long holiday, cleared your mind, and got yourself to a "good place" with everything that has happened. Or so you say. If it;s so easy for you to go back to her, were you really even over her? I dont think so. YOu need to truly take things slow, figure out yourself and what you really want. So are you with this "new girlfriend" now too?? You know your ex the best and you should be the one who is able to tell what she is really about right now. Is it just jealousy right now that is making her want you back? I do believe though that if she were truly over you, she wouldn't even get jealous. You two have some unreseolved issues that must be resolved before you jump into anything with eachother again. Try talking, try figuring things out together, without all of the emotional things involved...like sleeping together! Good luck!

-Becks

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Cutie314

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So how many of you have had your "second chances" work out?

 

 

It DOES seem to work out from time to time. It depends on the committment level and maturity of love between the two people involved.

 

Many times though....whatever caused the first break up will end up being the same type of problem which will cause the second.

 

I don't do retakes. I admire people who try though.

[mandrews1119]

Arabess,

I was just perusing and saw your post. I know there is a hopeful romantic in there, we're gonna get you yet.! I respect your position and honesty in stating so. Often those who don't do "second chances" are so closed to those who do. Just my two cents' worth. Have a great day!!

[situationsmend]

well, i guess this would be my third chance and it seems to going really awesome...A thousand times better than

the second chance.

 

She broke up with me, started doing her own thing then begged me to take her back, then broke up with me again a few months later and moved out to her own place this time, then 3 months later begged me to take her back, so I did.

 

 

I stayed sane and supportive the whole time(even though i was dying inside the whole time) I realized that,

well, in my situation, she was just unhappy with where her own life was headed and with what she should be doing

with her life. She tried being out on her own and was surviving just fine, but missed "us". I went away just recently for 3-1/2

weeks and that seemed to help our bond become stronger, because when I got back, we were able to make a fresh brand new start

I mean, My friends say "why are you still with her, She's just going to get bored with her life and leave again"....But I'm

following my heart. I know she loves me, I can see she does, that's why she came back. I know(not in a cocky way) that

i'm good for her. I accept her just as she is, I love her unconditionally. I have self-respect, but I'm just following my heart and being true to myself. I feel like the only one that really understand her. If we work out, we'll work out, things seem soooo good right now

so I'm just taking it day by day.

 

 

 

whatever happens happens, just stay true to your feelings and don't play any stupid games.

[faux]

Originally posted by Cutie314

[color=darkblue][/color]

So how many of you have had your "second chances" work out?

 

I am new to this board and have seen many topics relating to questions about getting back together, but I am interested in how many have worked out.

 

I would love to hear about the good and bad experiences.

 

Thanks!

 

There was one girl that I had a second, third, and fourth chance with. They all worked out for the most part, but a few years, and other people, passed between each "chance". After the fourth we agreed that we should give it a rest.

[coursingthru]

when my ex left me in december - he became so horrible to me and it was totally uncalled for. to this day, i do not understand why he treated me that way when i did nothing wrong to deserve it. all he would say when he bailed was "it has to be this way for now".

 

 

the week after valentine's day he showed up on my porch begging for me to take him back and for almost a month after that on a regular basis. on 2/13 i started dating someone else because i pulled myself up and realized my ex didn't want me despite my confusion ( i also read "getting your ex back") and did the tasks.

 

 

my ex ended up spying on me. waiting for me to come home after a date, calling in the early morning to see if i was home. when he found out i was dating a guy from my office - he left 2 crazy messages at my work (my bf now actually spoke to my ex and told him to please leave me alone-i was getting a little nervous as my ex has stalked me when we're apart every time.)

 

 

now i haven't seen, talked emailed etc, in almost a month and we live right around the corner from eachother and monday night my 13 yr old had a dream that we saw my ex and she said he came up to us and she kicked him in the b*lls. (she really loved him to death as well). then last night she and i ran up to get ice cream and popcorn and as i got dressed i felt - gosh - i hope i don't run into him.

 

guess what? as we were walking out of the store - there he was down one of the aisles and i know he saw us but acted like he didn't. my daughter held my arm and said lets go mom. because for the first time in my life - i froze - took a step back and just looked at him - hoping he'd look over. i never ever did that in any relationship when i finally run into someone.

 

 

my daughter said that if he came up to us - she would kick him......

 

 

i got home and dialed his cell # let it ring once and hung up. he called back after he knew the show that my daughter and i watch every tuesday night from 8 to 9 - he called at 9:15 and i let it ring. he didn't leave a message.

 

 

i was so sad, so confused - still am. wondering if i should've taken him back. i started to cry a little with my kid - she saw me crumble for the first time in my life during december and january. not something i wished she saw - but it was the first time i was crushed. nothing keeps me down and this literally took the life out of me almost the same feeling when my dad died.

 

 

so, now here i sit wondering what will happen?

 

second chances? i guess if you heart can take it.

 

 

i don't think mine can.

[situationsmend]

In all Honesty, If my girl left again or decided she was having second thoughts again,

(that would make it the 3rd time)

I would walk away and be done with her. We've been together almost 5 years now, we met

when she was 19 and I was 23.

I'm 28 now and she's 24. We are our first loves. My heart has sustained some pretty hard

emotional blows the past 9 months dealing with all of this. I know I couldn't take it again. I love this woman

so much. I feel such a connection with her...I know she does with me, our bond is

so strong that, i think that's what scared her those times. everytime she's come back she's

confessed how she's loved me the whole time, wanted to be near me the whole time, but

just thought she needed space and needed to try and see what it would be like if we

weren't together. As it stands right now, she lives in her new apartment and i live in our

apartment we shared. It feels almost as if we were dating again and the excitement we

felt of our new love. Sounds cheesy i know, but it's just the way it worked out.

 

 

 

You will never find anyone like you're first love. I love my girl, i really do. I love her and cherish her

and will never take her for granted. She always says I'm so good for her and so good to her and

i know she's good for me.

 

Strive for that second chance if you believe in it. This life is short, it could be over tomorrow.

Why not fight for what you believe in?, if it's worth the fight of course.

[lost_in_chgo]

Sometimes the hardest battle is the one you don't fight.

It isn't always best to use forceful tactics.

Judo tactics can be the best when your opponent is stronger.

And emotions can be strong opponents.

[mandrews1119]

Well said, as usual, my friend. By the way, how are you? The limbo locale doesn't sound too cool. Keep the faith.

[situationsmend]

That's really more or less what i did.

 

I stayed true to my feelings, didn't play any games like "Maybe if I don't call her, she'll call me"

"Maybe if I tell her i'm going out on a date, she'll get jealous and want me back".

NONE OF THAT.

 

It's true, the hardest battle is the one you don't fight. You can't force someone to feel things

they don't feel. It was tough as hell, but I just let her go and supported her, bettered

myself and did my own thing. Our relationship seems 50/50 right now which is cool, both of

us working on keeping the relationship good and healthy and each other happy, rather

than 90/10 which is the way it was looking before she left me and moved out.

 

COMMUNICATION is the best thing. That way no one is ever left in the dark about things.

You can talk things out, Make compromises, just commuicate what were both feeling.

 

There's no magic love potion. It's all a mystery. But follow your heart and be true to yourself.

[lost_in_chgo]

Hi, still keeping the faith I see.

 

I'm still lost. My group of supporters is dwindling.

I still feel that eventually she will be more comfortable talking to me and come back to at least be friends, but as of now she's nowhere to be seen. It's been, well, awhile.

 

Hmm, that's interesting...I seen to have stopped keeping track...hmmm

 

OK, reviewing my posts, it's been 3 weeks or so.

 

Lest anyone forget, breakup last september, constant contact for two months, freak-out, 4 months of silence, I sent one email after a month, 3 months later email from her, I reply next day, then 1 month later I called her , 3 weeks later is now.

 

So. Nothing has changed.

 

Btw, I have this post from you on my PDA. It's helpful. Keep the analysis coming (in whatever form).

 

Lost from Limbo out.

[Dixiecron]

Ground Control to Major Lost...

 

"Hmm, that's interesting...I seen to have stopped keeping track...hmmm "

 

I'm curious, does it feel better to count or not to count the time?

[mandrews1119]

Hey Lost,

I must keep the faith. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't, win, lose, or draw. What you are experiencing is the fact that more often than not, these things take TIME, lots of it. The timing has to be okay for both of you when the lightning strikes. Since you are prepared, it is really a case of when SHE starts to look, see, and feel things a bit differently than right now. This doesn't mean sit and vegetate ( I know you aren't) but it means while you do what you need to, try not to get too stressed by the fact that she is a bit out of sync with things. Manage your mental and emotional self as well as possible and make each moment and day count in a positive fashion. your real supporters will be with you for the duration. I am.

[situationsmend]

I think it depends on the circumstances and on the personalities involved.

 

we are all different. My girl left me around the same time My buddy's long time

girl left him. My girl came back, His girl didn't and is already shacking up with someone else.

 

My girl understands what we have and that it's so hard to find a good thing or someone

cool, funny or even normal, Ha!

 

Some people just get really selfish and want to see whats on the other side of the fence.

But if you can look at your mate and think, I Could Probably Do Different, But I Could Never

Do Better, Then youre the luckiest person, if love and togetherness and good companionship

is what you want in this life.

 

For me, Love somes first, Job and career second. Why are we on this earth, why not have something

good and meaningful, life is too short. If a second chance is what you want and it seems worth the fight

to make things right, DO IT. But the work has to be mutual, there can't be any force involved. You

both need to want it.

 

I hope me and my girl work out, i really do.

[lost_in_chgo]

Dixiecron,

 

It's just different. Less frantic is maybe better, but I'm kinda in the give it up stage. Not that I want to. Nothing has really changed since the start, she still says she wants to be friends and then can't bear to face me. Everything tells me there is more to all this. And my heart says she will come back, but everyone is telling me that she wont and to move on. Everyone but a few here and one lone hold out in real life.

 

Hey, my brother started referring to me as desparate. I think that's a ploy to get me to react. He doesn't get that I don't date just anyone for the sake of dating. But he's right it would probably make things easier to deal with.

 

Damn.

[lost_in_chgo]

mandrews,

 

thanks. I am vegetating a bit. And gaining a bit of the weight back now.

 

Time is my friend and my enemy.

[mandrews1119]

Hello,

Lost, I'm still keeping the faith. I find in doing so I am very, very honest with myself. I take each day as it comes, and am always open at least to the ideas and possibilities, but it is like situationsmend put it: as long as you feel you could do different, but never do better, you know where your real emotions lie. There are several ways to go once one reaches this point, I choose to work on improving the circumstances and conditions that caused this (on my end), and then go from there. I think you are in a similar place. It isn't "giving up" but recognizing that everyone isn't quite on the same page here. How you proceed defines you. To each their own. In response to your brother, I say yes, there is a big difference between dating - but one should NOT become a hermit. One can socialize and still have heart. To turn too completely inward is not a healthy thing. To falsely run out into anything (for whatever the "justification") can be just as harmful. That is where rebounding, fooling yourself, and living for everyone other than yourself happens. Some folks even find themselves somewhere and with someone they don't really love, and sorts. Not my cup of tea.

 

Situations, best of luck to you, it sounds like you and your s/o have the basis needed to make it work. Lost, I'll catch you later.