i asked for a separation and i'm just so sad

[lostmycompass]

I recently separated from my husband of 7 years. It was my call. We have two young children, and while I say 'separated' it's actually not as drastic and awful as it could be. He's staying in an efficiency apartment in the basement of our home while I think things through. We're going to sit down and talk about our marriage and what direction it should take on July 1. Until then I've asked for some space.

 

Here is the good: my husband loves me, he worships me actually. To the point where I never feel like he's ever quite himself around me. He's never cheated on me and is a good provider. He's smart and a good friend to me.

 

Here is the bad: I think he is suffering from a very deep depression. He retreats as much as possible from the family and looks for excuses not to be engaged. I don't think he is 'into' being a father or a husband. What I mean by that is - he's not excited or interested in being a father or a husband. He doesn't bother to plan outings with the kids, doesn't really interact with any of us on an intimate level (emotionally), and doesn't show a real desire to be a part of the family.

 

Since I can remember I've had to push him. I'll push him to play with his children, to take care of the pets, do projects around the house, go on date nights with me. He does it, but whenever I try and see if he'd be willing to take some initiative, it never happens.

 

Sex is a trouble spot. I could do it every night - when we first married he was happy with once a week. I could live with that. But I noticed that that was also one of those things that I had to push (at one point I even said that we should pick a night once a week as 'sex night'). Last year I decided to stop pushing and SIX months went by without anything happening.

 

We started marriage counseling 2 years ago. Of course this was something that I arranged. After about a year of counseling, I stopped going, because it seemed like there might be things that my husband might not discuss in front of me. So he has being seeing the therapist 1:1.

 

I asked for the separation starting early June. He did NOT want to do it, but I said please...I need to think things through. Since that time I've been thinking about all the things that have bothered me over the years. ALL of these things I've talked to him about - many times, and even in therapy. And nothing has changed. These things are the followign:

 

1. he never picks up his cell phone or turns it on. He's not cheating on me or hiding anything, he just doesn't 'like to talk on the phone'. Even when I was pregnant he refused to turn on his phone. I've begged him to leave it on - I'm not a 'phone person' either, and I wouldn't abuse it. It would be just nice to say hi to him once a day.

 

2. If I go away for a weekend or to visit a friend, he doesn't check in on me. Again, I'm not so needy, but you'd think that a husband would at least want to say hi to his wife if she's gone for the weekend? Worst example of this was when I went to visit a friend for a week. I had my 1 year old daughter with me and I was gone for a week. I drove - she lives 8 hours away. He didn't call to check that we'd gotten in ok, and did not call ONCE the whole time I was there.

 

3. He forgets things ALL the time. Big OR little things. Little things- like to pick up a prescription for me from the drug store - BIG things, like forgetting to put out gifts for the kids on Christmas morning (the Christmas in question - he was coming home late and I asked him to do the gifts when he got in. He forgot and I had to scramble around at 6am before the kids got up to get it done...needless to say after that I've taken care of setting out the gifts)

 

4. SEX (as explained above). I have told him how important sex is to me, how I think it's just a normal part of a good healthy relationship. But he doesn't see that it's important.

 

5. The kids- he is just not interested in them either. Unfortunately. Adn this is what makes me the most sad and which more than anything is what caused me to ask for the separation.

 

6. I'm always the strong one. I'm always the one who is guiding us, whether it's financially (I'm the money-manager & budgeter), where we are going to live (I've decorated the house, chose the town we'd live in, I put in the garden and do all the yard work), etc etc. Then I can find myself with no one to rely on when I need help.

 

There hasn't been any one event that has caused me to ask for a separation. I would say that the straw that broke the camel's back - was about two weeks ago. I went out with a friend on Friday night and we stayed out VERY late. When we got home I flopped into the downstairs bedroom because I knew the kids would be up early and for once in my life I just wanted to sleep in on a Saturday morning. My husband will sleep in until 11 or 12 every weekend. By the time he gets up I've usually already made breakfast, gone to the grocery store, done a load of laundry and gotten the kids up and ready for their day.

 

On this particular day I chose to sleep in. Around 8:30 I hear the sound of my son's voice in the kitchen talking to my husband. He's telling my husband that he is hungery, and I hear my husband say, "Don't worry your mom will be up in 15 minutes and she'll take care of you." this is while he is IN the kitchen with a five year old boy who could easily tell him what he wants!

 

Anyway I also want to point out that I've been really clear about all of the above points. I am a big believer in therapy and making a marriage work. However at some point I have to think- while loneliness and being single would be painful, is that a better choice than continuing in my current situation?

 

Anyway - my husband is in counselling and I start seeing a therapist of my own this week (yay!). Hopefully I'll be able to sort out my feelings somehow over these next few weeks. Can anyone relate? If there was something clearer - infidelity, abuse, etc. it would be such an easy decision...

[Citizen-d]

Well I think you need to shock him into getting back into the marriage and if he wakes up then you guys can get through it!

 

When my wife left me with our two children I was devestated, I still am! It's been three months but I have lost weight, I am starting my own rugby company and I love spending every second I get a chance with my kids! She had an affair and is still in the fog and hates me as I stayed in the house but the hate is built on sand and I know she is regretting her actions, I still love her but the trust has gone.

 

In your situation you can complain but a bloke never listen's till it's too late. Work on you own happiness and if he is a Keeper he will change.

 

God bless

[Surfer203]

Read your whole post.. I have to say you sound like a great wife. Your husband seems depressed or maybe some sort of mood disorder. I have never heard of some one being that detached from a spouse unless there was a real issue like infidelity, abuse or something else problematic. Sounds like you are doing all of the right things and putting in an amazing amount of effort. It hurts to not have that effort be reciprocated.

 

I think if he can get to the bottom of his issues and source of extreme apathy you guys may have a chance. Therapy will hopefully open up some doors for both of you. I would give it a bit more time to see if anything changes with therapy. If you can pushing at it and nothing changes it may indicate that it is time to move on.

 

Best of luck and keep posting!

[John Michael Kane]

Are you seeing someone else or have someone else in mind? Be honest.

[Lexygirl]

LostMyCompass,

I understand where you are coming from.... I have been dealing with some of the same issues you are speaking of with my husband. To me, it does sound like depression, though.

Maybe you could suggest that he go see the famly doc and perhaps try some anti-depressants for a while.

 

I soooooo understand how lonely you must be feeling. I'm sorry for you.

[lostmycompass]

Are you seeing someone else or have someone else in mind? Be honest.

 

I will be 100% honest. The first time we went into counseling it was because an ex boyfriend of mine 'looked me up' on Facebook and when we met (he was actually renting an apartment from me) he flirted with me...sent me some nice texts afterward saying how good I looked...I hadn't had any kind of attention like that in...well forever it felt. And here was this ex of mine - it felt like I'd been lost in the desert and he was handing me a gigantic glass of water.

 

Anyway - after that flirting incident, I was completely honest with my husband. I said nothing happened but I just didn't like what it made me feel. And it made me feel like I was just so very unhappy with my marriage. So we got into counseling.

 

Now fast forward two years- I'm actually still friends with that ex but friends is all it is (poor guy is just a basket case and I am NOT interested in that).

 

Now there is ANOTHER person who has come around. Again - flirtatious, nothing has happened...in fact we haven't even seen each other in person (it's all online). I have NO desire for a 'relationship' with this person either but my lord is he good looking. I miss kissing someone, I miss physical affection. I would never consider dating this new person (I won't get into ALL the reasons but other than the fact that he's pure eye-candy he really doesn't have much at all going for him), but at this point, after all these months of nothing at all - it's getting harder and harder to not respond to attention when it's given.

[fltc]

Maybe your husband doesn't need a therapist, maybe he needs a complete medical checkup. Depression such as you describe may have a physical cause, if you haven't already done so, get his butt to a doctor pronto, tell the doc what you've told us in your first post.

[John Michael Kane]

I will be 100% honest. The first time we went into counseling it was because an ex boyfriend of mine 'looked me up' on Facebook and when we met (he was actually renting an apartment from me) he flirted with me...sent me some nice texts afterward saying how good I looked...I hadn't had any kind of attention like that in...well forever it felt. And here was this ex of mine - it felt like I'd been lost in the desert and he was handing me a gigantic glass of water.

 

Anyway - after that flirting incident, I was completely honest with my husband. I said nothing happened but I just didn't like what it made me feel. And it made me feel like I was just so very unhappy with my marriage. So we got into counseling.

 

Now fast forward two years- I'm actually still friends with that ex but friends is all it is (poor guy is just a basket case and I am NOT interested in that).

 

Now there is ANOTHER person who has come around. Again - flirtatious, nothing has happened...in fact we haven't even seen each other in person (it's all online). I have NO desire for a 'relationship' with this person either but my lord is he good looking. I miss kissing someone, I miss physical affection. I would never consider dating this new person (I won't get into ALL the reasons but other than the fact that he's pure eye-candy he really doesn't have much at all going for him), but at this point, after all these months of nothing at all - it's getting harder and harder to not respond to attention when it's given.

 

With this info maybe it's best if you guys divorce. Just saying.

[UntoldStory]

LMC - wow, I read your post and thought, "did I come on LS last night and post in my sleep?"

 

Very very very similar to my situation. FWIW, I recently let my separated, stbxH know that we need to move forward with a D. He doesn't want it, but honestly, he doesn't really know what he wants, about anything.

 

Depression is a horrible disease for everyone involved.