Karma ~ Just Desserts??

[trippi1432]

Well, for all of us who think that one day they will see their karma happen to the WAS, I'm here to tell you, don't hold your breath. I found out from my son today that his dad is getting married to the OW that he has shacked up with just 2 weeks after trying to recon with me....over a year and a half now.

 

It wasn't just learning this information, not too surprised about it really....it was just one more thing to add to the news of the day....surgery I had almost two years ago may not have held. So my singing days could be over as well. My son told me this news about his dad when I was telling him that he should never put off the things he wants to accomplish in life.

 

To add to that....in a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I hear the song for my best friend Billy who died 9 years ago this month....Forever and Ever, Amen. Sometimes I don't know if that is him telling me things will be okay or him calling to me to come see him. It's times like these that I do miss my old friend Gunny telling me to catch that bus to Mexico.

 

So, is it karma or just desserts? Do I really make such bad choices or am I just getting my just desserts? Five days a week lugging a kid 90 miles round trip to a school he prefers ($600 a month in gas alone), Dr. appts, ortho appts., nothing has really changed except that the extra paycheck isn't there nor is any CS since his father is always broke. According to my son, his dad doesn't have any money because he has to feed her 15 and 19 year old. His words, his dad has to take care of those kids too. Wonder if my son will ever see one day that his father should have been making his own son a priority. Did I just marry the wrong person or was I such a horrible wife and mother that I am getting what I deserve?

 

I don't even feel anything really...have been emotionally exhausted for months now...guess that is par for the course. So much for the karma that it falls apart for the WAS.

[Mz. Pixie]

Take him to court and have his paycheck garnished for child support and back pay. That will at least ensure you get that.

 

I don't really believe in Karma though so I'm sorry on that part and I am truly sorry you're having such a hard time.

 

Try to focus you and your child and forget about him. You didn't deserve any of this.

[trippi1432]

Thanks Pixie...I would but it really isn't worth the hatred and crap that I would have to deal with. It's just easier to get peace giving him what he wants. He pretty much has our son brainwashed that her kids are his responsibility even though she works in the same field as me and gets CS from her ex to support them.

 

Would just make it harder on our son....his dad already threw him out back in October and again in February for school refusal. It was an issue I had with our son for quite a while, reason why he went to live with his dad for about six months. He's doing better with that now, something I am grateful for now.

[jaymz]

We briefly spoke on chat: I personally want the kind of karma where i would be very happy for the rest of my life rather than my stbxw being very unhappy.

 

You ex is not worth any thought or emotion, he has made his choices and must face the consequences of those choices. It may not happen today or tomorrow but it will catch up with him in the end.

 

You have been so helpful to many people here and you have shown an inner strength which is an envy of many. So keep focused on the important things.

 

Apologies if i don't make much sense.

[trippi1432]

We briefly spoke on chat: I personally want the kind of karma where i would be very happy for the rest of my life rather than my stbxw being very unhappy.

 

You ex is not worth any thought or emotion, he has made his choices and must face the consequences of those choices. It may not happen today or tomorrow but it will catch up with him in the end.

 

You have been so helpful to many people here and you have shown an inner strength which is an envy of many. So keep focused on the important things.

 

Apologies if i don't make much sense.

 

Thank you Jaymz...I so want to find happiness, but it eludes me..I have to find it in myself...but locked the inner child away (she was stupid, gullible and vulnerable...not letting her out again). Now maybe I don't make sense...too much therapy and picking apart why men leave me to go on and have better. Hmm, okay first husband's second wife gave him karma..she cheated on him.

 

Was a good convo tonight...yes, I don't stand up for myself enough...I cave and give in...I do hate when I stand up for myself that I am deemed a b*tch though...I do have to stop pleasing others when my needs aren't being met.

[trippi1432]

After the initial shock of hearing news like that about your ex, you can't help but reflect on the situation....they deserve each other....they truly do....and I always deserved better.

[jaymz]

Yes they do and you do deserve so much better. I feel the same way now, they are both selfish, immature and have absolutely no morals - totally suited to each other.

 

I understand about standing up for yourself, I don't think i have done that for years, always being accommodating to keep stbxw happy. After finally listening to the badgering on here its clear that its a skill we need to learn and when to apply it.

[2.50 a gallon]

Karma is fickle

 

My Ex best friend BIL stepped out on my sister and happily married to the OW for 20 years.

 

But there is a catch, neither of his children want anything to do with him or her.

 

His wife won custody of her kids, that lasted until they got older, and none of her kids want anything to do with them

 

He is a highly skilled journeyman, working for a small company, between her wages, her former CS and his wages they realized about 10 years back that they could put down a down payment on an ranchette, with pool, and stables.

 

They both have horses they never ride, and a special gentle horse for the grandkids to ride. It too has remained unridden, as none of their kids have ever came by with their babies.

 

The babies are growing up, his oldest grandson has graduated high school and trade school and has a new life out of state. He was a 3 year starter on his high school football team, and my BIL never got to see him play. And in fact has only seen him twice, at his christening and a couple of years ago at his daughter wedding. Imagine the image of your grandson, you see him as a new born babe, and the next time uyou see him he is driving cars and close to 6 feet tall

 

The story is similar with his new wifes kids.

 

My EX BIL and his OW wife hafe this realy nice place but no family to share it with and live alone, for the time being.

 

Since new years the place he worked for was sold, and he is now out of a job, at age 66, with not much hope to get the wages he was making last year.

 

It won't be long and they will have to find a smaller place to live.

[What_Next]

Well I'm not religious at all, in fact I am not even sure I believe there is a higher power. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I do believe that one should be aware that their actions are going to judged sooner or later though.

 

The botom line, what your EX did to you was shameful and he should be forever damned for it. You are taking the high road and just washing your hands of it and for that you'll be rewarded sooner or later.

 

I wish you the best and I hope things turn around for you, you've be handed a raw deal and no deserves that.

[Surfer203]

I am with WN on this one too... I believe in a higher power, but not God necessarily. I believe Karma to be real - you get what you give. Be a good person and you will get good things out of life and the opposite for bad people.

[willowthewisp]

I am with WN on this one too... I believe in a higher power, but not God necessarily. I believe Karma to be real - you get what you give. Be a good person and you will get good things out of life and the opposite for bad people.

 

If this is true then why is my ex also married and happy, whilst I sit single and alone and contemplate adopting children by myself because I want to be a mother yet have no one to raise a family with?

 

If this is true what did I do to deserve the karma of him leaving me after nearly 20 years with no warning, right after we booked our wedding, after he walked round wedding venues and churches with me, holding my hand, smiling, laughing? What did I do to deserve being kept by him all those years and him leaving when it is too late for me to meet someone else to have a family with?

 

Trippi, I hate to say it but there is no karma, there is no higher power IMO. But you are better off without someone who treated you the way he did. Will our lives get better? I hope so.

[worlybear]

Hus,hugs and more hugs to you all. YOU ALL DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.:bunny:

[Surfer203]

willow: Who says there is a time limit on it? One day when he least expects it something bad will rock his world.

[sumdude]

I guess four years out and I'm finally past it. Took a long, long time. To let go... of caring whether or not she is/was happy. For a long time it felt like "Why does she get to leave for someone else, marry him the second we're divorced and I get to deal with the grief, deal with all this alone." Eventually I reached the point where I realized that just thinking about it was a waste of my emotional and metal energy. We didn't have kids so I have had no contact for years which probably made it a bit easier. Thing is? Just because they're with someone doesn't mean they're 'happy'. And whether or not they're happy has absolutely nothing to do with our own happiness UNLESS we allow it to affect us.

[2.50 a gallon]

Willow

 

Sometimes karma takes some time

 

For the first few years everything came up roses for my ExBIL and his OW, they had her kids, then they grew up moved out on their own and never came back

 

My oldest niece married, and put two and two together, shortly after she had her first kid, or his first grand child, and she cut all ties with her father.

 

Two years ago my youngest niece finally decided to marry, her husband insisted that her father or his father in law be invited to the wedding. Since then all ties have remained cut. She and her sister want nothing to do with her father who destroyed their childhood.

 

At the wedding his two grand children had to be introduced to him. They were polite and and little to say beyond hello. His mother is still alive, and they have never met their great grandmother. The children are 19 and 13

 

My ExBiIL and his wife have been living on the ranchette for about 15 years now, and are still waiting for the return phone call accepting their invitation for the grand kids to come out and ride a pony.

[2.50 a gallon]

Oh I forgot the icing on the cake for my ExBIL, his MIL now lives with them. For once I really feel sorry for him, I can think of no nice words to say about her. I know as He, the OW, the MIL and I all worked together at one time.

[Steadfast]

After the initial shock of hearing news like that about your ex, you can't help but reflect on the situation....they deserve each other....they truly do....and I always deserved better.

 

THAT'S the trippi I know. Besides, who says just because someone is married they're happy? I'd rather be alone that wish I was. The truth is, when someone has what we want (marriage, a relationship, a new Ford Ranger Supercab...) we automatically think they are in a higher, better place than we are. Asking them sure isn't going to help...what would most people say? 45% are in denial, while 30% are either screwing someone over or recovering. Somewhere inside that remaining 25% is the ideal.

 

I still want the new Ford though. Who doesn't want to be happy? It takes courage to face your fears and go after what you want. Most lack that.

 

As for the karma/higher power discussion, its been my experience that many are angry when God doesn't meet their standards; constantly switching demands from freedom to control. When things don't go their way, when they want, that's a free ticket to reject, recount or redirect devotion. Until we understand man has total freewill, we will struggle.

 

It's hard, but the best thing is to not get wrapped up in someone else's business...even if it is something as personal as someone we were once deeply involved with. If experience has taught me anything, it's that I'm more than enough work for me. I think you know -deep down- that you're better off trippi...your ex clearly lacks judgement and frankly...honor.

 

You deserve better. You'll have it. Crazy as it sounds, you might already-

[debtman]

Who cares about karma or God or anything else except living for the moment?

 

Forget about the ex, forget about the OM, forget about anxiety and hopelessness and frustration and anger. LIFE IS TOO SHORT!!

 

Go out and do what you need to do to make yourself happy.

 

Not happy with your life? Not happy with your situation? CHANGE IT!!

 

I know, easier said than done, but dammit, life is TOO short. We are ALL too lucky to have the opportunity to savor the moments that we live through every day. Make the most of it.

 

No one deserves to be cheated on, left or passed over, but it happens. Learn from it, put it behind you and move on. Find a passion and pursue it. Try new things, meet new people, let life happen and revel in it!

 

Steadfast, damn right, being married doesn't mean being happy...just look around this board.

 

Sumdude, nailed it...they no longer deserve our emotional energy. We wasted enough of it on them.

 

willow, YOU BET life will get better! You will MAKE it get better.

 

surfer & WN, doesn't matter if there is a higher power or karma...if you're a good person and you're nice to people they will be nice to you. If you're a liar and a cheat, you will get treated in kind...

 

jamez, trippi, we ALL deserve better. From a relationship and from ourselves. Part of being firm and committed is being confident in yourself and being happy with where YOU have put yourself. Things might not be perfect, but you can always work on making them the best they can be to make you as happy as possible...

 

Good luck to all and keep posting!!!

[2sunny]

trippi - hugs...

 

to love self is really the first thing. any higher power intuitively expects us to appreciate ourselves and to enjoy each moment we get here... and each day.

 

can you change the school? or move closer to the school? the way you are feeling - maybe the change would be a good thing, yes?

 

and practice positive affirmations. you deserve that! tell yourself kind thoughts, say them out loud, remember the beauty of YOU!

 

some days are just like the one you are having -- that is when i am happy to start over the very next day... by being grateful that i AM alive - and that i need to start living as if i DO appreciate it.

 

i really SHOULDN'T be alive - so it's a bit easier for me to appreciate this. i've already lived 3-1/2 years longer than i deserved! if it's something i don't enjoy - i simply DON'T PARTICIPATE IN IT! life is too damn short.

 

as for the exH - he remarried... beautiful gal, nice too... funny thing though - they seem to be having the same issues we always had! ahahaha, yikes! my kids said yesterday - Mom, Dad just doesn't know how to be happy... i don't respond to those things... i just say- hmmmmm.....

 

i don't miss being married - i found out how to be REALLY happy all on my own- every day - by getting out of myself - helping others. IF the focus were on me, i'd feel depressed all the time - so i get out of myself!

 

i also don't waste time and energy placating others - i speak my truth... some don't like it - but i'm not into pretending any more. pretending is the same as a lie. i have seen much... only useful to have my words convey a specific message...

 

 

honor self. you have value. use that value to make others happy - and you will always be happy!

 

you get busy living or you get busy dying.

 

hugs

[debtman]

Well put 2sunny!! Bravo!

[trippi1432]

Yes they do and you do deserve so much better. I feel the same way now, they are both selfish, immature and have absolutely no morals - totally suited to each other.

 

I understand about standing up for yourself, I don't think i have done that for years, always being accommodating to keep stbxw happy. After finally listening to the badgering on here its clear that its a skill we need to learn and when to apply it.

 

Thanks Jaymz, I agree with this a lot.

 

Something I thought of the other week, my exH was only ever concerned with the physical aspect of me...he never really knew me. Ah, but he had ESP...he said he always knew what I was thinking. That came in real handy in lowering my defenses to get what he wanted. It is sad when you have to walk through a relationship with your walls up.

[trippi1432]

Well I'm not religious at all, in fact I am not even sure I believe there is a higher power. Bad things happen to good people all the time. I do believe that one should be aware that their actions are going to judged sooner or later though.

 

The botom line, what your EX did to you was shameful and he should be forever damned for it. You are taking the high road and just washing your hands of it and for that you'll be rewarded sooner or later.

 

I wish you the best and I hope things turn around for you, you've be handed a raw deal and no deserves that.

 

Thank you W_N, I truly think my exH is going to follow in his father's footsteps, same exact mentality having his own son think it is okay for his dad to put two children that are not his as a priority in his life. His own father did that to all five of his children when he left his wife for the OW. If he is following that same pattern, they will remain married from his aspect....but who knows from the OW's. My primary concern is how can he do that to his son, but then again, why should it surprise me either? (shakes head)

 

I am with WN on this one too... I believe in a

higher power, but not God necessarily. I believe Karma to be real - you get what you give. Be a good person and you will get good things out of life and the opposite for bad people.

 

Thanks Surfer.

 

Hus,hugs and more hugs to you all. YOU ALL DESERVE MORE THAN THIS.:bunny:

 

Worley, thanks for the hugs, I needed those. . Hugs to you

 

I guess four years out and I'm finally past it. Took a long, long time. To let go... of caring whether or not she is/was happy. For a long time it felt like "Why does she get to leave for someone else, marry him the second we're divorced and I get to deal with the grief, deal with all this alone." Eventually I reached the point where I realized that just thinking about it was a waste of my emotional and metal energy. We didn't have kids so I have had no contact for years which probably made it a bit easier. Thing is? Just because they're with someone doesn't mean they're 'happy'. And whether or not they're happy has absolutely nothing to do with our own happiness UNLESS we allow it to affect us.

 

SumDude - wow, exactly!! Total waste of mental and emotional energy. To be honest, hadn't really cared or thought of his happiness in months....relished in the quiet and peace of him not screaming at me on the phone anymore. I think the sad part is how my son told me the news, he was chastising me that I haven't bought him a motorbike that he wants and I told him he needed talk to his dad about that one. He smirked at me when he said his dad couldn't afford it because he had to support her two kids and needed his money...he was getting married in two weeks. I even asked my son, did you say that to try and hurt me because I won't buy you the motorbike? He said it was to make his point....I realized that this is a product of the environment that both his father and I raised him in...our own dynamic.

[trippi1432]

THAT'S the trippi I know. Besides, who says just because someone is married they're happy? I'd rather be alone that wish I was. The truth is, when someone has what we want (marriage, a relationship, a new Ford Ranger Supercab...) we automatically think they are in a higher, better place than we are. Asking them sure isn't going to help...what would most people say? 45% are in denial, while 30% are either screwing someone over or recovering. Somewhere inside that remaining 25% is the ideal.

 

I still want the new Ford though. Who doesn't want to be happy? It takes courage to face your fears and go after what you want. Most lack that.

 

As for the karma/higher power discussion, its been my experience that many are angry when God doesn't meet their standards; constantly switching demands from freedom to control. When things don't go their way,

when they want, that's a free ticket to reject, recount or redirect devotion. Until we understand man has total freewill, we will struggle.

 

It's hard, but the best thing is to not get wrapped up in someone else's business...even if it is something as personal as someone we were once deeply involved with. If experience has taught me anything, it's that I'm more than enough work for me. I think you know -deep down- that you're better off trippi...your ex clearly lacks judgement and frankly...honor.

 

You deserve better. You'll have it. Crazy as it sounds, you might already-

 

Hey Steadfast, thank you for these words. I agree with that and was probably a constant struggle....still is as I don't think the apple falls far from the tree some days. As for someone else's business...I received a FB friend request from my exH's niece asking me to come to her son's birthday party..in there she stated that they missed me, but they didn't want any DRAMA. Perhaps she thought I knew at that time that my ex was getting married, not sure, but I had a good laugh as they are the most drama-laden people I know. I politely declined the invitation and the friend request but got an address to send a card to.

 

Yes, deep down I am better off...I just wish that I had acted on that knowledge over a decade ago now and listened to my own instincts and to my family. You know what is laughable? I thought I was doing better with my ex...thought I had traded up, why? Because he held down a job and was loyal

for 15 years (despite the fact that I do believe she was an EA that led to his final decision). Those were two things I didn't get from my first ex.

 

As for having better, I have had better people in my life, but I seem to settle for the wrong ones obviously, that is within me to figure out why that happens and to fix that. Hashing that one out.

[trippi1432]

If this is true then why is my ex also married and happy, whilst I sit single and alone and contemplate adopting children by myself because I want to be a mother yet have no one to raise a family with?

 

If this is true what did I do to deserve the karma of him leaving me after nearly 20 years with no warning, right after we booked our wedding, after he walked round wedding venues and churches with me, holding my hand, smiling, laughing? What did I do to deserve being kept by him all those years and him leaving when it is too late for me to meet someone else to have a family with?

 

Trippi, I hate to say it but there is no karma, there is no higher power IMO. But you are better off without someone who treated you the way he did. Will our lives get better? I hope so.

 

Me too Willow, me too....the good thing is that we are working towards that.

 

Those events were not a result of your karma though Willow...those were the results of someone taking advantage, thinking only of themselves and not of the consequences of their actions.

 

You know, who knows what is in store for either of our ex's, but a lot of what other's have written here is correct...we are better off without them and have learned slot by being with 15 and 20 years to know better what we deserve.

 

I meant what I said...my ex and the OW truly deserve each other.

[trippi1432]

Oh I forgot the icing on the cake for my ExBIL, his MIL now lives with them. For once I really feel sorry for him, I can think of no nice words to say about her. I know as He, the OW, the MIL and I all worked together at one time.

 

2.5 thanks and I know where you are coming from and understand the story. I actually wouldn't wish that kind of karma on mine though, I think it sad for all really. All I have wished for is that my ex be a functioning parent and father to his son. He did try here and there to his defense, maybe that is the best that he could do with what he knew from his own childhood and upbringing. I make no qualms about how I feel about my ex FIL and the influence he brought on his children. I do hold my ex accountable that it is up to him to change that dynamic though.

 

We have choices not to be like our parents and make the same mistakes they did. My mother used to backhand me when I sassed her, while my children have pushed my hot buttons, I have never done that to them.

 

I think in the end it comes down to do we want to be an example of the apple doesn't fall far from the tree or do we want to be a different tree?

Edited June 11, 2011 by trippi1432