Karma ~ Just Desserts??

[trippi1432]

..................... good night. More that I would like to say on Karma..but don't want to jinx it.

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: Your son's lucky to have a mom like you. In reference to your original question, I believe in "what goes around comes around". Sometimes it takes longer than we'd like, but, when it does, it can be really awful. When I've seen it "come around" in the business world, it's been so harsh that, despite how much you dislike someone, you still sometimes feel like what came around was too much.

 

In reference to M's, I know of one case where a H cheated on his W, he subsequently developed cancer, OW left him and, because he has no one else in his life, his W takes him to the hospital for chemo. They're not back together, and W just feels sorry for him because he has no one else.

 

In another case I know of, H cheated on his W, left his W for OW, he too subsequently developed cancer. He has to go for yearly checkups to make sure the cancer doesn't return. He's always quite nervous before he goes for the test and when he returns to get the results. He's been with OW for almost 20 years and hasn't been happy with her for YEARS. OW is bitter because they never M and lets him know it at every opportunity.

 

Obviously I'm not suggesting that it'd be a good thing for cheater to develope cancer.

 

In a 3rd case I know of, H cheated on his W, left his W for OW, stopped paying her CS for their two kids because he was supporting OW's kids who lived at home with them. His two daughters got M recently and the first to get M didn't invite him to the wedding because she has NC with him at all.

 

I also think that the cheaters deserve each other. For example, if one's late coming home from work, the other will definitely wonder what the late comer's up to & whether they're now being cheated on. Could you imagine living with the stress of that on a daily basis? Terrible!

[trippi1432]

I also think that the cheaters deserve each other. For example, if one's late coming home from work, the other will definitely wonder what the late comer's up to & whether they're now being cheated on. Could you imagine living with the stress of that on a daily basis? Terrible!

 

That could very well be true IGB, and could very well be their dynamic. But they are each other's problem now. Eventually you do get to indifference and create healthy boundaries so you realize that you deserve to be treated better.

[itllgetbetter]

How long did it take you to get to the indifference stage? I realize it's different for everyone though.

[trippi1432]

I guess you could say almost two years or so...more so, it was once I could go through all the healing emotions. I was able to finally admit to myself that I made a lot of mistakes in choosing this man to begin with, and allowing myself to put up with his behavior...the forgiveness had to come from within and to stop blaming myself for things he did that were out of my control.

 

My exH had a very different dynamic than your situation IGB...there was a lot of verbal, mental, emotional abuse and some physical abuse in the beginning. I allowed this treatment...thinking I was protecting my son by staying with him so I would know that when his father was drunk, someone responsible would be there.

 

So, net/net, I got to indifference by forgiving myself for poor decisions and vow to never allow myself to stay in a bad situation like that again. I respect myself and expect that in return. I don't dwell in the past, but rather use it as a measurement for what I do and do not want in my life as I prefer to move on to the future. I know to create healthy boundaries and not allow someone to step over those for their own selfish gain...whether that be validating their ego or getting something out of me that they do not deserve.

 

Tonight, I saw the new Mrs. H who came out on her porch when I dropped my son off...typically she would run inside when I pulled up before they were married. I wanted to roll my window down and tell her thank you. Instead I just smiled....I have my life ahead of me (as the next 15 are going to be better than the last 15)....and jammed in my car to

on the ride home.

[Ddeepprreesseedd]

It's not karma.

 

You don't deserve it.

 

Sometimes in life we are just incompatible with someone we think we are.

 

In India, they have much less of a problem with this, marrigieas are arranged based on a very meticulous choice by both families; assuring that future spouses are compatible on multiple levels. Even if they don't love each other at first they grow to love each other from a simplicity of getting along and having same goals in life. Divorce is almost non-existent. Sex is only a part of marriage and love is not based on lust.

 

No, it's not karma. You were not compatible with this man. And an epidemic of broken households has resulted in him taking care of some other man's kids, instead of his own.

 

All you can do is teach your son the right and proper path. Raise him really well. Make sure his father is still in his life even if financially useless. It is very important for a child to have both parents.

 

Be strong, be patient. You are kind, smart, and beautiful. We are here to support you.

 

~~~Boundless Love~~~

[Yasuandio]

Couldn't be put more eloquently! Ditto, Beautiful! C

[itllgetbetter]

Trippi: As always, you have good advice. You seem to have it all together.

 

LOVE that song - I've heard it before but never really LISTENED to it until now.

 

Ddeepprreesseedd: Good advice and nicely put. On of the best marriages I know of is an aunt an uncle of mine, not Indian, but arranged nonetheless.

[trippi1432]

What in the world???

 

Perhaps someone can offer some opinions here....my first exH befriended me on Face Book a few months ago...he and our daughter are rebuilding their relationship after losing touch with each other after six years. He's not a horrible man by any means, was my first love and the biggest problem with our marriage was a lack of intimacy, his horrible mother (who has now passed away) and his infidelity...and we were very young. He abandoned us when our daughter was 3 and wanted to come back a few months later but I wouldn't let him because he had gotten another woman pregnant.

 

I moved on and he moved on...but we were best friends in High School, so that friendship has always remained intact. He is on his 3rd marriage, divorced his second wife for cheating on him...yes, I know..there is a just desserts. At any rate, I came home last night to see an update on Face Book where he posted a poem I wrote him almost 20 years ago.....why would someone do that after so much time has passed??? Especially something so personal? Why would he even still have the poem after all these years? Opinions?

[2.50 a gallon]

Us guys have feelings too.

 

I have several boxes of papers that I have moved from place to place, inside these boxes are things I saved from my youth, baseball cards, my first book, a nature book I received at age 8, etc.

 

Inside one of these boxes is small candy box, in it is a valentines card from a blonde girl in the 3rd grade, a classmate, not all of the boys got one from her.

 

Another home made card from high school that has, inside a heart

 

XX

+

YY

 

Forever together

 

With a lipstick kiss

 

And some letters from other girls expressing their affection for me. The last time I opened this box, maybe 15 years ago, I could still detect the slight aroma of a perfume, and for just a moment I was transported back 30 years.

 

I will never throw these away

[trippi1432]

Well, I can understand that certainly, and yes there are guys who hold on to momentos. I still have every poem I wrote back then transferred to a notebook to keep them all in a safe place for our daughter to have one day. But to publically put it out there where he knows that I and his daughter will see it???

 

It's really a short little emo intro now to my book of poems to sum up my feelings from that time of my life. Not that I am good at poetry or anything...more just going through the emotions of healing at the time.

 

Once upon a time I loved you

Once upon a time you lied

Once upon a time you left me

Once upon a time I died

 

Perhaps he and our daughter were going over that book of poems and that brought it up...may never know.

[jaymz]

Once upon a time I loved you

Once upon a time you lied

Once upon a time you left me

Once upon a time I died

 

I'm not an expert but I can really relate to it, thanks for sharing.

[worlybear]

Well, I can understand that certainly, and yes there are guys who hold on to momentos. I still have every poem I wrote back then transferred to a notebook to keep them all in a safe place for our daughter to have one day. But to publically put it out there where he knows that I and his daughter will see it???

 

It's really a short little emo intro now to my book of poems to sum up my feelings from that time of my life. Not that I am good at poetry or anything...more just going through the emotions of healing at the time.

 

Once upon a time I loved you

Once upon a time you lied

Once upon a time you left me

Once upon a time I died

 

Perhaps he and our daughter were going over that book of poems and that brought it up...may never know.

Re-the bolded. This sums it up beautifully!:bunny:

[trippi1432]

Thanks Worley and Jaymz. Seems the jury is out on who actually penned the poem...and this is quite funny in a way. I don't think that it would have struck me quite so much if I were not the author; however, after speaking with my ex last night, he believes that one of our mutual best friend's at the time wrote it and gave it to him to set to music. I told him that I am pretty sure that I wrote it and it was about him during a time when we split up. Irony!! He said..."Wait a minute, you mean I wrote music about me to a song about me...that is wrong on so many levels." :laugh:

 

It's amazing what you learn about your ex almost 20 years later, how they have changed and what they realize from the past to the present. It got me thinking about how divorce and losing someone you love becomes such a catalyst for change. Had it not been for our divorce, I would not have decided to go to college and change my life....forge my own path to provide a more secure future for myself and our daughter. In the interim, my ex stated that he has realized how he was back then and has changed the way he looks at life and how he treats people. I wouldn't have loved him so much back then had I not seen something good in him...but we follow our own paths to make what we make of ourselves and learn lessons in life. Strange how life comes full circle.

[trippi1432]

Karma is what you put out to the universe and what you get back in return....when we put anger out there, we invite angry people in..when we put love out there, we invite love in. In an imbalanced world..what are we inviting?

Edited September 28, 2011 by trippi1432

[trippi1432]

So I haven't posted here in a while..not sure if I still can..but.......................

 

I'm worried...I think my boyfriend is going to propose. Our one year is coming up soon..and he has mentioned marriage a couple of times, just last week someone asked if we were married and he said "Not yet"...and I said "No...nope..no". Ugh!!

 

I don't know if I want to be married again anytime soon, I've told him that point-blank back at Valentine's Day...he didn't propose then...just the stupid ads on that day....made him inquire where I was....so, maybe I am reading it wrong. But guys....asking you all specifically, how is the best way to let a man down without hurting him but let him know that you want him in your life?

 

He is so sweet, so caring and loving.....but he is sooo rough around the edges....we aren't all the way there on emotional stability, but I've never known someone who was so respectful of my feelings. We've never fought...my friends think that is bad...and no...not female friends..male friends as well. I don't think that is bad....is it? I mean if the only time a man fusses at you is when you get to the door before he can open it for you...is that bad? Complete strangers do that for me, a simple repsect......and no one in my life who said they loved me ever did. That alone is still not a reason to say yes.

 

How do I tell him that I am not ready yet?

[2sunny]

You can tell him that you love it just the way it is now and don't see good reason to change a great thing!

 

Try not to take your past and bring it to the present. Assigned meaning and family of origin will ruin anything good.

 

Just live in today - and don't bring the past into your present.

 

He shouldn't suffer from your past pain and your future shouldn't either... We learn and grow as we go along ---> keep growing - it will all be good!

[trippi1432]

Maybe that is the problem...he's had a lot of time to grow and I haven't yet?

[trippi1432]

and maybe another thing..he is very isolated. I had to remind him that it is Mother's Day next weekend...had I not taken him by the hand at Christmas and reminded him of the postal calendar, he wouldn't have gotten prezzies in the mail for his kids who are out of state.

[2sunny]

Trip - no mans gonna be perfect. Does the good far outweigh the bad?

[tojaz]

Just be honest with him and tell him where your at. He sounds like a good guy and should be able to respect what your ready for and what your not.

 

Don't over think it.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Trip - no mans gonna be perfect. Does the good far outweigh the bad?

 

Believe me 2Sunny....I know, I don't expect him to be perfect...Gawd knows I'm not. I do expect him to take a little more responsibility where HIS family is concerned I guess is all I'm saying. The good significantly outweighs the bad.

 

Worst case, his response to the person inquiring could have just been his thinking that the guy asking was interested in me. But my own knee-jerk reaction to that really made me see....marriage is not a path I'm comfortable with at this time.

Just be honest with him and tell him where your at. He sounds like a good guy and should be able to respect what your ready for and what your not.

 

Don't over think it.

 

TOJAZ

 

I know, I know, I know...(kicks self). Falls off soapbox on this topic, been preaching it for so long.

[Steen719]

I'm not sure how old you are, Trippi, but you have a son who is almost grown (or grown), so I am assuming you don't want more children? I can't see any hurry to marry and I wouldn't do it if I had reservations enough to second guess it. I guess I really believe that it is not so much the things we can agree on or are compatible with , but how important the things are that we aren't. So, even if the good outweighs the bad, how much does the "bad" mean to you? (You know I don't really mean bad...but maybe con).

 

In any case, how nice that you have someone who loves you and treats you so well. Enjoy it and hopefully, he will too and if the time is right for both of you, I bet you will know it. You give good advice so you obviously give consideration to the situation.

[tojaz]

I know, I know, I know...(kicks self). Falls off soapbox on this topic, been preaching it for so long.

 

 

We all know that to have knowledge is good, but to act with knowledge is much better.

 

You've had a lot of time to decide who you are and what you need out of life.

 

I being a guy, would suggest you come right out with it before he makes his move. Let him know your happy to be with him and enjoy what you have, but that your not ready to think about marriage yet.

 

That way would be much easier on him then having his proposal rejected and all the bad feelings that can go along with that trauma.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

I'm not sure how old you are, Trippi, but you have a son who is almost grown (or grown), so I am assuming you don't want more children? I can't see any hurry to marry and I wouldn't do it if I had reservations enough to second guess it. I guess I really believe that it is not so much the things we can agree on or are compatible with , but how important the things are that we aren't. So, even if the good outweighs the bad, how much does the "bad" mean to you? (You know I don't really mean bad...but maybe con).

 

In any case, how nice that you have someone who loves you and treats you so well. Enjoy it and hopefully, he will too and if the time is right for both of you, I bet you will know it. You give good advice so you obviously give consideration to the situation.

 

Thanks Steen, no neither of us want any more children so that is a point we both agree on. There is no rush to get married, so I think that is why I felt the panic at his comment. People have asked before if we were married and he would just say no...this time, the gentleman inquiring was someone almost twice my age and then there was this "Not Yet" reply. Just a tad out of the norm, but we talked about it tonight.

 

It was the latter, I don't think he wants to appear possessive.

 

I feel we are on the same page...I've known him to move a little ahead of me sometimes on the topic of our relationship....and he has come to know me as slowing it down...so he knows where my head is. The panic was just as much my reaction to his comment and the realization that if he were to pop the question...how would I react without hurting him because of my own fear?

 

 

I being a guy, would suggest you come right out with it before he makes his move. Let him know your happy to be with him and enjoy what you have, but that your not ready to think about marriage yet.

 

That way would be much easier on him then having his proposal rejected and all the bad feelings that can go along with that trauma.

 

TOJAZ

 

Yes, I know how rejection and all the bad feelings can go with that trauma...I think that's par for the course of many of his here. But marriage is a topic that is better left to when we both feel like we are at that deeper level of commitment.