Karma ~ Just Desserts??

[trippi1432]

mmm, Maybe not!

 

My exH just celebrated his one year anniversary this past Sunday, July 15th. Tonight I get an unsolicited text from him.....

 

Him: Where are you escaping to? I might need to follow. LOL

 

Me: Oh no, let me guess?? Our son needs his way right now?

 

Him: No, he's with granny and paw-paw.

 

Me: So why do you need the escape, sounds like you got a golden ticket. LOL

 

Him: Just a thought. Life sucks at times. I went to **** Beach this weekend and your face appeared everywhere. (yes, that one almost got me but then I remembered it was their anniversary)

 

Me: My stomping grounds.

 

Him: Absolutely

 

Me: It's nice there. I take it you guys did your anniversary there?

 

No answer now.... I wanted to answer him back with "yeah, **** loved it there, you should take her to ***** (a place we went while on our honeymoon), **** loved that place and we had a blast! But I didn't...oh, I wanted to...but we are getting along and are trying to get our parenting in line.

 

Opinions?

[Gunny376]

Well, for all of us who think that one day they will see their karma happen to the WAS, I'm here to tell you, don't hold your breath. I found out from my son today that his dad is getting married to the OW that he has shacked up with just 2 weeks after trying to recon with me....over a year and a half now.

 

It wasn't just learning this information, not too surprised about it really....it was just one more thing to add to the news of the day....surgery I had almost two years ago may not have held. So my singing days could be over as well. My son told me this news about his dad when I was telling him that he should never put off the things he wants to accomplish in life.

 

To add to that....in a moment of feeling sorry for myself, I hear the song for my best friend Billy who died 9 years ago this month....Forever and Ever, Amen. Sometimes I don't know if that is him telling me things will be okay or him calling to me to come see him. It's times like these that I do miss my old friend Gunny telling me to catch that bus to Mexico.

 

So, is it karma or just desserts? Do I really make such bad choices or am I just getting my just desserts? Five days a week lugging a kid 90 miles round trip to a school he prefers ($600 a month in gas alone), Dr. appts, ortho appts., nothing has really changed except that the extra paycheck isn't there nor is any CS since his father is always broke. According to my son, his dad doesn't have any money because he has to feed her 15 and 19 year old. His words, his dad has to take care of those kids too. Wonder if my son will ever see one day that his father should have been making his own son a priority. Did I just marry the wrong person or was I such a horrible wife and mother that I am getting what I deserve?

 

I don't even feel anything really...have been emotionally exhausted for months now...guess that is par for the course. So much for the karma that it falls apart for the WAS.

 

Ahhhh! trippi! I had to slug through Hail, Fire, and Brimestone ~ across the Seven Oceans, across five continents, through the Amazon, and the Sahara desert to get here to tell you, and to bring you these words of wisdom that I gathered from the most wisest of men on the top of the Himalyan's mountains ~ yea upon Mount Everst itself!

 

Fighting aligators, lions and tigers, vipers, and pythons, wild indian tribes,

 

"Yesterday is a canceled check~ Tomorrow is nothing more than a worthless promissary note! Today! The here and now! Is money in the bank ~ Honey!

 

Ground yourself in the here and the now! The present! Be grateful ~ damn grateful for what you have and have been blessed with. Its hard to believe but there are literally billions upon billions of people across the globe who would be grateful ~ damn grateful to have what you have.

 

Mourn not what is gone ~ but look forward to what you have! Cast not the blessings that God himself has laid before your feet among the swine. Live your life for yourself and not for others.

 

For the second time in my life? I'm getting married! I had to go through what I did ~ just to appreciate and see the diamond of a gal among a sea of coal! She is awesome ~ and for some strange and un-known reason? She's crazy about me!

 

Now if I can just find my "If Your A Man Who Finally Finds A REALLY GOOD WOMAN And True Love? A Step-By-Step Guide As To How NOT Totally Screw A Good Thing Up!" book!

[trippi1432]

"Yesterday is a canceled check~ Tomorrow is nothing more than a worthless promissary note! Today! The here and now! Is money in the bank ~ Honey!

 

Ah Gunny, I have missed your wit and wisdom. I'm glad you made it back here to tell me the above, given your travels.

 

I'm going to make that statement a golden motto.

 

As they say, the older we get, the wiser we should become....and you, dear friend, are among the wise.

 

Not mourning here, that I promise. The message was strange and he clarified it the next day with a follow up to say that being there just brought back memories of me, and that he hoped he had not offended me. I simply told him no offense taken.

 

I'm actually grateful that the message was not meant to jab or hurt. That the exchange was civilized in which there have been vast improvements in that communication pattern this past year.

 

Soooo, ya big lug!! When do we get to celebrate this anticipated union? :bunny:

[Yasuandio]

Tonight I get an unsolicited text from him.....

 

Him: Where are you escaping to? I might need to follow. LOL

 

Me: Oh no, let me guess?? Our son needs his way right now?

 

Him: No, he's with granny and paw-paw.

 

Me: So why do you need the escape, sounds like you got a golden ticket. LOL

 

Him: Just a thought. Life sucks at times. I went to **** Beach this weekend and your face appeared everywhere. (yes, that one almost got me but then I remembered it was their anniversary)

 

Me: My stomping grounds.

 

Him: Absolutely

 

Me: It's nice there. I take it you guys did your anniversary there?

 

No answer now.... I wanted to answer him back with "yeah, **** loved it there, you should take her to ***** (a place we went while on our honeymoon), **** loved that place and we had a blast! But I didn't...oh, I wanted to...but we are getting along and are trying to get our parenting in line.

 

Opinions?

 

Sounds to me like he got ahold of Mike Fiore's TEXT-YOUR-X-BACK e-book, and then misapplied the steps. First of all, your x-husband clearly skipped Prepartory Modules 1 through 4. He should have started with an "Across the Bow" text first, before goofing up with a poorly timed "Intimacy Booster" text (the material in that chapter was obviously too advanced for him. Oh, Dear. You can give him some credit for trying, but not for succeeding (he just doesn't get it).

[trippi1432]

LOL! Yas, sweetie, I love your wit!!

 

Actually, pretty sure this happens to just about everyone at some point. Sometimes even years later. For those that walk away, they eventually re-evaluate and grow a little to think....perhaps some of the issues WERE me??

 

At any rate, if some growth helps him in his new marriage, all the better. If he has woken up from what I thought at the time was MLC, good. But, at this point, he is a married man, and I don't "entertain" married men - even if they are an exH. But if this growth helps us be better parents finally.....that matters more than anything.

[trippi1432]

Tonight, I went to see my Step Grandmother at the Rehabilitation Center. She is in the early stages of dementia...still feisty as ever though. My grandmother is a two-time widow and once divorced, her second time widowed was from my grandfather. My Step Grandmother, well she was an influence in my early childhood development since I never knew my real paternal grandmother, she died of Cancer before I was born. She wasn't always "nice" to me due to my dad being the black sheep and unwilling to take over the family business and we moved a lot as my dad took his family off to find his own way in the world.

 

I finally settled back in the town I was born in but never knew five years after my grandfather passed away, I spent time with her and brought her great grandchildren to visit her. I stopped seeing her and hardly spoke to her in almost 4 years because she started becoming as abusive as she was when I was a kid. As an adult, I had a choice.

 

Tonight, as I rounded the corner of her wing...a feisty 80 year old almost ran into me with her Cadillac wheelchair...I looked at her....Grandma? She spoke my name, my childhood name, as surprised as I was. The next hour, it was in and out, confusion....much like the early part of the 10 years of seeing my maternal grandmother die of this disease (at least she died in her daughter's arms with her husband by her side)...and I remember, this woman has been widowed since 1992....20 years!! She briefly dated the man who introduced her to my grandfather after his death, they became very close. They were engaged until he broke it off because his children didn't approve. She talked about him tonight..her ex-DIL told me he was traveling. My grandmother said that he was too sick to travel to see her, but she needed him right now. I think she knows how sick she is. I think, after watching this illness take my maternal grandmother, that my paternal grandmother needs to see the man she almost married. I've been through this before with my maternal grandmother, soon she will remember mostly nothing. Would it be wrong to bring together two 80 year olds back to what time forgot?

 

Maybe it's just me, seeing my own sense of immortality and knowing that I was never loved...realizing it actually. I hope to one day go over a cliff like Thelma and Louise rather than sit back in a wheelchair and regret my life. Maybe this could even speak as a lesson to those who are thinking of divorcing because when you get to this stage of your life...there is no dignity. I just think that no matter what my paternal grandmother's differences were, she spent a lot of life not being loved for her and she needs to see that she was. And I remember the last conversation I had with my grandfather...that he loved her but not as much as his first wife, perhaps the angst of her life was knowing that...perhaps, even she, deserved more???

[trippi1432]

Maybe it's just me, seeing my own sense of immortality and knowing that I was never loved...realizing it actually. I hope to one day go over a cliff like Thelma and Louise rather than sit back in a wheelchair and regret my life.

 

The cliffs look welcoming these days....I need to remind myself to stop loving people for who they are and to start having expectations and setting them...make them unmovable forces in MY world. I let a man into my life for 15 years who didn't love my daughter and was horrible for us. Now, I have a wonderful man, a good man who was caring, loving and impartial...until he really got a dose of my son. Our relationship has been breaking down for several months if I were honest, because he hates the way my kids treat me.

 

My kids hate the way I treat them and are very vocal about it, I stopped giving them the easy way out. We say things we don't mean, but it doesn't stop the fact that we love each other...even when it feels so pressed to the walls you can feel the bricks crack because my kids blame me for everything wrong in their lives (they are 25 and 17). My daughter has a reason to be vocal because of my bad decision to stay with a jerk. She used to tell me that I was the strongest woman she knew....and recently, she told me I wasn't anymore. I don't know if she knows that I realized how I wasn't strong staying with someone so verbally and emotionally abusive...strength would have been leaving him because I never needed him. If that is weakness now, it's more remorse for what the three of us, me and my children, might have found to be a better and happier place in our lives had I been the one to leave..is there really strength in staying when your spouse is a happier drunk than he is sober?

 

My boyfriend tells me that it stresses him out being around my son. He had to sit through an hour long lecture recently from my son after he (my son) stole my credit card number (again) and made a game purchase...then lied to me about it and ultimately got caught. He was more pissed because I sent back a $200 bike that he ordered with the promise that he had the money to pay me back (good thing I sent back the bike..yeah..I'm a loser and believe my kids). I took what he said about me, how I have been a bad mother for years and didn't support him when he pitched a fit over wanting his ears gauged because he is short and I should support the fact that it would make him look older () and finally gave in because it would piss his step-mother off ()...yep, that was me. Hmm, let's see...what else...I'm a horrible mom because I make him look bad to everyone else () because I took my divorce hard...yes I did because your father is a B*STARD and a SH*T....in the most loving way of course. Hmm, what else, I traveled a lot that first year and took some time for me, I forgot that he was hurting too. He's right in that respect actually..only he uses it to manipulate getting his own way instead of using it to actually want to be understood. <---- there is a difference when your kid tells you that you have to buy him $400 worth of clothes, a $200 bike and brags that he saved you $100 on a new Xbox system because he bought it used after he tells you he has to have it as he is in ICU recovering from a skull fracture. The refusal to buy him the $400 in clothes resulted in an argument that got six holes knocked in my walls after I cut his cell phone off (my boyfriend met him for the first time patching them...was hoping that would show him some humility...the kid..not the boyfriend)...the bike incident after he stole my credit card and when my son tried to pull the guilt card in the hospital over the gaming system I finally told him that I loved the time when I did things for him when I was proud of him and not when he was using guilt to get what he wants. That affected him, because he knows it's true, I just waited too long to say it...that's my fault. He played into his father's BS that I was a bank and I allowed it because that was the only way to get any peace when I lived in a two adult house-hold with only one parent who worked her a** off, went to college and had zero moral support.

 

My boyfriend has been wanting me to commit to him moving in legit for many months now....I've put it off on decision-making because I knew my daughter was coming to stay with me while I re-couped from a surgery earlier this year. Before I could commit to that, I needed to see how he would do really getting to know my kids. I'm not dis-illusioned, there are times even I can't stand them, however, they are mine and I have no choice in the matter. And that is basically what my boyfriend (now ex-boyfriend) said tonight. He had been pulling away for a while now and wouldn't talk about it. I didn't change but he did and I couldn't figure out why....I asked if it was something I did, was he not attracted to me anymore...what?? Then finally, I told him maybe we just need to break up, it hit him hard but it finally brought out some communication (we have never fought in our 1+ year relationship). He told me the one thing that he wished he could talk about is the one thing he couldn't because I couldn't change it.....my kids. He's right, I can't change that nor can he change his that I had yet to meet. One in college, one in rehab, one happily married and the other a habitual liar from what I know of them. Then again, he only hears from them when they need something as they live in other states and they are all grown. Even when I stated that our children should not keep people who love each other apart, he was right again...they go on to have grandchildren....they are a part of your lives forever.

 

So, I still think it's a cop out...that he fell out of love and needed an easy out, well, he got one because as much as they disappoint me, the last thing I will have in my life is a man who doesn't love me for who I am as a person. I fully realize that not everyone is accepting of other people's kids. My step-parents didn't marry my parents to have kids and a family, they married them for the person they fell in love with. I couldn't see either of my step-parents leaving my mom or dad because of me or my behavior. Our children are basically grown for Pete's sake!! My kids are a product of a screwed up environment where I made a really poor decision and if I could go back and change it I would, it's the dagger I will die on because I realized a long time ago that I will never be loved, find real love or be happy because that drama will always be in my life no matter how much I continue to fight it, remove myself from the drama train...it's my drama spawn.

 

At least he was honest??? (), doesn't stop it from hurting. If nothing else, it makes me realize more than ever that there is no such thing as being loved, it's an illusion. Ironically, it's another statistic that happens to women with children after divorce....bet he googled it. :mad:

 

I can't ever tell my son any of this as he liked my boyfriend and liked seeing me happy, it would crush him. Even as horrible as he can be, the angry child is a frightened child just really looking for acceptance...I guess I have to believe that or maybe I AM dis-illusioned and will find myself on a slab one day with bullet in my head for not buying him an xBox game on demand.

 

Apologies for the rant....I am truly disappointed and heartbroken....but I know that I came in this world alone, and I don't care to ever share my life with anyone ever again. People can't hurt what they can't have.

 

(Confining myself to this thread as I am not in any frame of mind to post any advice to other's right now.)

[Yasuandio]

I'm sorry to hear this Trippi. But I am going to give you my analysis. Your son is almost at the age of majority. You have been permissive with him. Perhaps to hear "no" more often, and experience more severe consequenses for the theft may have served him better. If he made the same theft in a department store - how would a judge handle it a year from now? And a second theft? I'm sure this wasn't the first time he stole money from you.

 

You cannot always get what you want - a lesson your son has not learned. He may have to learn it the hard way. I is not your fault - nor are your personal choices of a mate to blame. You have always been there as a steady moral compass. Sometimes kids are bloddy brats - and it has nothing to do with parenting.

 

The theme of you theisis above is blame. It is subtle - but throughout, you blame yourself for everything that has happened. I, first of all, would sit your son down and explain how he was an active participant is disolving a relationship that you cared very much about. Let him stew on that.

 

Stop blaming yourself. Examine at the facts, review facts with culprets, - and make changes where they need to be made, toot-sweet, period. A good house sweeping needs to get done over there - so there is no one to blame - especially you. Old marriages and relationships are the past. The past is the past and is now irrelevant. What is relevant is demands for games, current punches in walls (domestic violence), recent thefts, and unauthorized credit card charges.

 

Once he is an adult, you can buy him out of trouble with expensive attorneys for a while - but you will run out of money - and the lesson (that is, consequences) will not be absorbed. Then the stakes and jail time get longer. This is an obvious conclusion. Teach him now. Do they have "Scared Straight" in you area? If he steels again, or comits fraud with your credit card, would call the police and have him arrested - let him see what a few nights in jail are like. Stop cleaning up his messes.

 

Personally, I think it was bad taste to have your Significant Other patch up the holes. Your son should have been made to mow lawns to pay for a professional to fix the holes. Can you see how you dragged SO into your personal affairs - domesitic violence that has nothing to do with him? Why should he be contributing to your kid's delinquency? I bet he resented cleaning up your kid's mess and seeing your kid walk free. what a message.

 

You deserve a life too. You are the adult - and in charge of making the changes. It is up to you. What would you tell someone else to do? Yas

Edited November 20, 2012 by Yasuandio

[Steen719]

Oh man, I hate to hear this, trippi. After going through the ordeal with your son's accident, this must feel like a kick in the gut.

 

I don't have any great words of wisdom, but this is what I think. I think your boyfriend is most likely a nice guy and I know it must hurt a lot to think it is over. It may end up working out or it may be too much under the bridge for it to be good again, even if you try to do that. I do think you and your son (at least) and maybe your daughter need to invest some time in some family counseling to get all of those feelings out in the open and get your son in a healing mode and to help you set limits. You may need to get through this before you even think about dating someone again. There will be someone else for you. When it happens again for you, some of the crap you and your family have been through will be more "manageable, worked out, whatever".

 

It is really easy to look back and question our decisions. Should I have stayed? Should I have gone? Will it impair my child (ren)'s ability to love, be happy, parent? Have I set them up to think it is alright to be treated poorly or will they know I was trying to honor my vows and make things work to keep a family together? I ask myself those questions. Hindsight has made me think I should have left my XH the first time he cheated, but I chose to stay to keep my family together. It hurt me in ways that I didn't anticipate, but I have no way of deciding whether it was better for my son or not. We can't change it - we just can't.

 

Cry, be sad and then pick yourself up and get your family better. You can do it. You have faced problems many times before. This is essential for your son as well as for you. Your daughter needs to recognize that sometimes strength is giving up something you personally would rather have - freedom & peace -for the sake of keeping your family together.

 

Best to you, Trippi. You will get through this. Move forward and be strong. hugs to you

[riverratt]

I am with WN on this one too... I believe in a higher power, but not God necessarily. I believe Karma to be real - you get what you give. Be a good person and you will get good things out of life and the opposite for bad people.

 

I agree...

[aMguilts]

I hate that word

 

trippi i`m sorry you had to find out like that. That`s wrong.

Jaymz. been trying to read your thread from the start but it`s just so endless....on and on... sorry.

 

Surfer, sumdude.

When will any of you actually start believing in yourselves?

Sorry if i`m wrong, I just hate the word `Karma`.

Lifes what you make it. When it start`s dictating you, then you aren`t living

 

aM

[aMguilts]

Apologies for the rant....I am truly disappointed and heartbroken....but I know that I came in this world alone, and I don't care to ever share my life with anyone ever again. People can't hurt what they can't have.

 

QUOTE]

 

hey trippi.

 

no apologies ever. from what i seen , you have helped more here than ever.

be proud.

 

In bold...I`ve not been on here long. And from what i`ve seen you post. you don`t mean that.

You are one of the strongest posters on here ( there aren`t many!! )

 

I don`t know whether to just say to you get over whatever it is that has p**sed you off atm the mo or to sympathise.

I`ll just do both

 

aM

[aMguilts]

My mum has dementia , she doesn`t even recognise me anymore

 

Every now and then she will. when she does, she remembers little things , always when i was a baby or before i was even born.

Today she asked me if i remember when i broke my arm.I have never broke my arm.My sister did when she was little thou.

She got us mixed

 

Seeing your post maybe i`m not doing as well as i thought iwas.

What with my bi polar, my familly, marriage kids

 

 

money , life.

 

f**king easier to just give up

[aMguilts]

but i`m not going to give up.

 

no one on here should

[trippi1432]

Hi Yas -- Thanks for weighing in, and I agree with most of your post. One thing, SO was the one who wanted to patch the holes as I already had a professional lined up to do the work and son knew that he was responsible for paying for it or working it off. Even though he helped SO patch the holes, son also had to work off what SO felt the job was worth so many things that he normally would get "paid" for as chores, he had to do for free for a few months.

 

For those that don't know, my son has not lived with me due to his anger issues and disrespect for almost 2 years now. He stays with me on weekends, when school is out and summer. His school is in the next town where his dad is and it also became a $600 a month burden for me to take him to school everyday, on top of the verbal abuse from him that I was putting up with and the violence....it was time for his dad to do some parenting for a while.

 

He would prefer to live here with me and misses his home, but I drew a line in the sand that living with me was something he needed to respect as his poor behavior could take it away as well. I know it doesn't sound like it, but to know how this child was 3 years ago to how he is today, he has improved (but there are times when he does regress). He also went a month without his cell phone (yes, perhaps it should have been longer) and a lecture from the Sheriff that I could press charges for the damages. I've looked into the Scared Straight program last year as well as tours of the jail but they don't have the programs here anymore. Just Juvie...and as the Sheriff told my son that day, he wouldn't last five minutes in that program with the kids that get placed there.

 

Making the game purchase on my CC without my permission, yes, these were things he used to do a couple of years ago but had improved...so for him to do it again - and then the two hour tracking it down and proving it was him as he lied to me about it until he got busted - that was disheartening as he seemed to be maturing over the past year. The verbal abuse that resulted from me stopping his bike at the Fedex hub and sending it back was uncalled for because actions have consequences and I was trying to show him that like I did when I took the cell phone away. He tried to use his dad to pick up the bike as he saw it was at the hub, but when his father saw it was on a return, he left it there and called me to get the whole story. it was almost like a "parental victory" because we were finally on the same page. His reaction to that set us back and actually alienated my son and I for a few months until he fractured his skull back in September. To this day, he even blames his sister for the CC incident saying that she encouraged him to do it as she was mad at me at the time.

 

Not making excuses for him, but limits have been set on him for the past year or so and when he misbehaves in my home, I tell him to pack up and take him back to his dad's. Recently, he said that when he graduates next year, his plans are to move back home with me, go to community college and get a job. I neither agreed or disagreed at the time because even that could change tomorrow. But that's when my SO went into his shell and started to withdraw. I can't say that I blame him, who in their right mind would want a woman with this much baggage with her kids? Even I wish I had a choice, but my SO is right, it's the one thing that I can't change because they are my children. What hurts so much is that I had this realization before I met him....I even said to my friend after my daughter and I exchanged words one time that no one would ever want me after they had to deal with my kids.

 

I don't hate my SO for this or anything, he's hurt right now too as he was looking at the two of us having a future as well. It's good that he knows his limits and is willing to stand by them but I can't give him that "safe" place that my kids will suddenly transform overnight to being perfect, respectful people and there will never be any issues. It's better to be honest and just let him go, even though he had become my "safe" place where I could get some sanity from it all. It's hard because he is the first person who has been in the thick of it, witnessed it and literally said to me "I watch them blame you for everything that is wrong in their lives yet they take zero accountability for their behavior or do what they know is right and be responsible for themselves." I don't think that people realize that the worst altercations come when I stand my ground and say NO.

 

At any rate, it is my burden to bare and it's unfair to bring someone else into it....and it may always be that way. I really have no gauge on when I won't be held accountable for my children's happiness and they will figure out it's their responsibility to do it for themselves. My SO was the first person I ever allowed my children to meet since my exH and I split up 3 years ago, the first time I tried to let someone in my life. The crux is, he is right and he put it so eloquently it leaves no room for negotiation or a way to fix it, "The problem is not fair to you because the one thing I wish I could talk about is the one thing that you can't change, the kids". He's not asking me to make a choice between him or the kids, he just sees the big picture that this would be the reality in having a future with me and something that he isn't sure he could endure. That just brings me to reality as well. :(

 

Thank you Steen (((Hugs))).

 

aMGuilts - thank you too.

[trippi1432]

My mum has dementia , she doesn`t even recognise me anymore

 

Every now and then she will. when she does, she remembers little things , always when i was a baby or before i was even born.

Today she asked me if i remember when i broke my arm.I have never broke my arm.My sister did when she was little thou.

She got us mixed

 

Seeing your post maybe i`m not doing as well as i thought iwas.

What with my bi polar, my familly, marriage kids

 

 

money , life.

 

f**king easier to just give up

 

My sympathies on your Mom aM - I watched my other grandmother deteriorate from Altzhiemer's, it's hard. My mother cared for her for seven years in her home.

 

I used to sing to my grandmother, it was how we could get her to walk across the floor from one room to another for a while when she could walk. She didn't know who I was after a while, she would ask my mom when that lady was going to come sing to her again. She was a special lady and I loved seeing her eyes light up when I sang to her, even though she didn't know me.

 

Remember to take some time for yourself when dealing with the stress, it's easy to forget that. My mom was so stressed from it all, I arranged for other's to help with Grandma and took my mom on a surprise day trip to Carowinds just to get her mind off things. She was like a little girl in a candy store, she loved it. Even had me on rides that I am scared of.

 

Take time to breath. Hugs!

[Yasuandio]

Sweetie, it seems like you carried the kid scenerio all on your own shoulders alone. In your last post, you said "he wished he could talk to you about the one thing you can't change - the kids." I wonder if he just wanted to be a participant, since he was your mate. However -- he was forced to just stand-by, and watch you suffer it out, and deal with a lot of stress alone. Do you thing there is any chance that, as close as the two of you became, the fact that the home had become "both of your" so to speak, that he might should have had some say? Perhaps a male's point of view during those tough time might have been helpful - especially new, fresh male eyes. Is it possible that he resented standing on the sidelines?

 

Then the other thought comes to me - interference from your x or x's. I would think any talk of them to be taboo. That occured to me more than once when we have talked. Kids or no kids - that would really bug me. I would want the x to remain outside, and only call on kid's business. Or I'd get jealious.

 

Since he lived with you, SO could have been like kind of like a second Dad, if given the chance. Perhaps he was - in a limited capacity. If so, that would be frustrating. And no capacity would be frustrating.

 

Regarding your son and his plans for community college, which I find admirable by the way. I think you need to be honest with him about how hurt you are from losing the SO. And specifically identify how your son may have contributed - not by blaming, but realistically - his dramatic behaviors have gone so far as to cause his mom emotional pain and loss of a relationship she deeply cared about. I realy think he needs to know the truth, it may help him to be a contributing member of the family rather than an aggravating distration. I think he should see your tears. Mommy wants to be happy too. I love you honey. C

[trippi1432]

Yas - you bring up a lot of good points, as usual. SO and I talked this morning along similar lines. I told him I wasn't mad at him for being honest and he has a right to feel that way. I can't guarantee that my son's behavior will change and I don't know what he is going to do next year live with me or the what-not. The one thing I appreciated from him was how he supported me in dealing with it all. He said it is stressful, he just wants to beat his a** or give him the whooping that he's never had and it feels like it brings out the worst in him as a person. He's genuinely a good person and I don't ever want him to see that change for him or be the cause of it.

 

Several weeks ago when my son talked about wanting to come back home to live, my SO and I chatted on messenger across the table from each other so my son couldn't hear us. My son was fussing with other gamers on his xBox and my SO called him out and told him he wasn't upsetting them, he was letting them upset him and they were doing a good job. I shot him a message and said Thank you. (Of course he chastized me a little bit that I bought him the d*mn thing - xBox - and set him back two years....he's right). Then a little later, my son got snarky with me and went on a rant. My SO said he has tried to be constructive with my son but he deflects that type of conversation, resorting to excuses and blaming and by blaming myself for how he is, I enable him. All very true.

 

But yes, I do carry the kid scenario on my shoulders because I feel that they are my problem, I hate putting that on someone else...I fear putting that on someone else. Ex's have no bearing or place on mine and the SO's life, his exW calls him on issues with their kids and my exH and I only talk about the son and I know SO is not jealous of the exH.

 

My mom and I talked about it this morning as my son will definitely know something is up this weekend as SO is spending the long weekend at his brother's house. I know my son like the back of my hand, so I already know that my son will ultimately use the knowledge to try and guilt me into buying him a game or something while he is here. I like the way you put it Yas and that may be the best way to go about it so he can't try and turn the tables saying something mean and hateful later to guilt or manipulate me to his favor. Is it bad that you feel like you have to put on body armor to spend four days with your kid?

 

Thank you Yas!!. :love:

[aMguilts]

My sympathies on your Mom aM - I watched my other grandmother deteriorate from Altzhiemer's, it's hard. My mother cared for her for seven years in her home.

 

I used to sing to my grandmother, it was how we could get her to walk across the floor from one room to another for a while when she could walk. She didn't know who I was after a while, she would ask my mom when that lady was going to come sing to her again. She was a special lady and I loved seeing her eyes light up when I sang to her, even though she didn't know me.

 

Remember to take some time for yourself when dealing with the stress, it's easy to forget that. My mom was so stressed from it all, I arranged for other's to help with Grandma and took my mom on a surprise day trip to Carowinds just to get her mind off things. She was like a little girl in a candy store, she loved it. Even had me on rides that I am scared of.

 

Take time to breath. Hugs!

 

thank you trippi

 

aM

[Yasuandio]

I have a great idea Trippi. Run away for the holiday. You can come stay with me a few days. I am like totally alone. Wha cha say? Tell no one. Just disappear. I think that will confound the heck out of all or them - and cause them to all value you more - as they ALL should.

 

After this crap - seeing you standing in the kitchen making Thanksgiving dinner for these folk, you must not be without a halo representing you are a martyrdom.

 

Sorry I cannot spell. And too lazy to look up.

 

My house is pretty organized these days. Come on girl, pull a disappearing act! Ha-Ha. You know where to find me! C

[Steen719]

Oh Yas, someone as good as you should be with someone this holiday, so you both come here!!!! Sunny weather, beaches, and 71 degrees as I type. (BTW, I hope you got to keep your art.)

 

Trippi, didn't your XH blame you for everything? Is it genetic? My XH blamed me for everything, and I mean everything. My son doesn't do that, but I have noticed times when I see the negativity that XH had seep out. Your son has some experience in watching it as well as doing it.

 

I can see how a situation like this could be very difficult. I have 2 dear friends who have been together for about 5 years or so now. His wife was one of my best friends and she died from cancer. Her husband committed suicide. We are all from a small town; grew up knowing most kids and brothers and sisters. They started dating and really are good together and now live together. Their grown children have made their lives hell. GROWN children. They don't like each other, and many of them have issues themselves. I have never talked to them about it, but I have wanted to shake them and tell them that they have a second chance to really be happy with someone and in love again. Make the kids know this - UGH. Yet, they continue to have some over one time, some others the next. I don't know. Is he the one, Trippi? Is he your future? Do you love him, love him? (LOL)

 

Ahhhh, life can be so freaking hard, sometimes. Well, have to go make dressing.

[trippi1432]

I have a great idea Trippi. Run away for the holiday. You can come stay with me a few days. I am like totally alone. Wha cha say? Tell no one. Just disappear. I think that will confound the heck out of all or them - and cause them to all value you more - as they ALL should.

 

After this crap - seeing you standing in the kitchen making Thanksgiving dinner for these folk, you must not be without a halo representing you are a martyrdom.

 

Sorry I cannot spell. And too lazy to look up.

 

My house is pretty organized these days. Come on girl, pull a disappearing act! Ha-Ha. You know where to find me! C

 

:love:Awww, I love you C!!:love:

 

You know you are more than welcome to come here love, my parents would love to have you as well and maybe I will let you talk to my son.

 

You need to get out and let the top down on that red convertible so the breeze can blow through your hair dah-ling!

 

Ig-snay on the halo, it's pretty crooked. :o

 

Oh Yas, someone as good as you should be with someone this holiday, so you both come here!!!! Sunny weather, beaches, and 71 degrees as I type. (BTW, I hope you got to keep your art.)

 

Trippi, didn't your XH blame you for everything? Is it genetic? My XH blamed me for everything, and I mean everything. My son doesn't do that, but I have noticed times when I see the negativity that XH had seep out. Your son has some experience in watching it as well as doing it.

 

I can see how a situation like this could be very difficult. I have 2 dear friends who have been together for about 5 years or so now. His wife was one of my best friends and she died from cancer. Her husband committed suicide. We are all from a small town; grew up knowing most kids and brothers and sisters. They started dating and really are good together and now live together. Their grown children have made their lives hell. GROWN children. They don't like each other, and many of them have issues themselves. I have never talked to them about it, but I have wanted to shake them and tell them that they have a second chance to really be happy with someone and in love again. Make the kids know this - UGH. Yet, they continue to have some over one time, some others the next. I don't know. Is he the one, Trippi? Is he your future? Do you love him, love him? (LOL)

 

Ahhhh, life can be so freaking hard, sometimes. Well, have to go make dressing.

 

Now the beach is a good invite too Steen, and it's funny you both mention it as it did come to mind to just go on a short vacation for the weekend, but I have my son for four days.

 

Yeah, Steen, blame has been a factor in my life (with me the culprit) for now on 18 years. I thought it would end when the exH left....oh well.

Believe me, if a Tsunami took out an Island in the South Pacific, somehow...someway, in the world I live in...it would be my fault!!

 

That's what I loved about my SO, he blamed me for the good things. I've never had someone blame me for something good...that's different to me. Something else I have never had in two marriages, a partner who took up for me and literally said to the kid(s), respect your mother or don't talk to your mother like that. If my SO wanted to say that to my son, I wouldn't bat an eyelash....but then again, only if he felt it were his place to. My son is almost grown, I've never expected my SO to take a parenting role with him. And Yas, I did ask him if that was the difference and he said no, it's his dad's responsibility to set his son straight. It's more that he feels my son has no intention on self improvement as far as his attitude towards his family or other people. He feels that anything he would do would fall on deaf ears. And he has said that he has been conservative with him in constructive ways to deal with his anger, but my son always deflects it back to someone else is to blame. I feel my SO's frustration, God knows I know it first-hand and he just doesn't deserve to have to live in this mess, I don't even want to...but they are mine.

 

Is he the one, is he the future, I don't know. I know I love him enough to not want him to have to endure what I have as he has a low tolerance to abuse and I know his anger is because he is protective of me. He doesn't like to see me hurt. That's also something that I have never had in my life, no one has ever cared for me like that.

 

Reality sucks sometimes when you so much want to believe that love endures.

Edited November 21, 2012 by trippi1432

[trippi1432]

So....it's pretty much done I think. A lot of talking tonight especially after I told him I was going to let my son know what my SO was stressed about. He said he wasn't unhappy because of anyone else. He isn't where he thinks he needs to be in life and it affects his health. He has dreams, aspirations and I respect that. The only thing I have asked of him is to not let them affect how he feels about me as he can dip into his little world and space out.

 

So tonight I asked him if he loved me...he said he didn't know.

I asked him what he wanted....we made a list. Three things: Gym, therapy (he's going to start going to my therapist to figure out what he wants out of life) and rental property for an extra income. These are the things he feels he needs to do to feel better about himself. Admirable, I'm already to that point in my life where I know what I want. He's two years older and is still working on it, I can be patient about SOME things......

So I asked him what he wanted when it came to me:...................................

I plopped down a piece of paper and asked him what his feelings were for me:...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

He said he wanted to buy a condo and would I wait for him to figure things out? Um.....NO! We have been a year for him to figure things out for himself and for him to be happy with himself. I will kindly pay him a visit and give him a house-warming on my rounds to visit my other friends...non-gender specific.

 

He packed up tonight for a 3 nighter at his brothers...he asked me if I would wait for him that long to know what he wants, I said sure. He then packed up everything he owns. I said, wow, that's a lot for a 3 night visit...he said he really doesn't know what he is doing. So I asked him if he asked every woman in the past to wait for him to figure things out...he said No, but this is different. He doesn't feel this is over...........ummmm, he took everything, the realist side of me says it's over. New saying: "Never make someone a priority in your life.........when the paper is blank.

 

It's time to wake up or lose me...I've stopped making concessions for people in my life. I hate to hear people tell me I deserve better and conceding to less.

Edited November 22, 2012 by trippi1432

[Steen719]

Sorry, Trippi. I agree; it doesn't sound promising. I don't understand a couple of things. One is why does he need to buy the condo in order to decide? What kind of living arrangements did he have before he moved in with you? The other thing I didn't understand is why when you said you would wait the three days, did he decide to take all of his things? Just checking, was he?

 

Blank paper, huh? Crayap! Well, I guess it is up to you to decide what kind of chance you want to give him. You know him, so you know whether this might be a way to figure it out or an exit strategy. I really am sorry. I know what you mean about getting what you deserve and you want someone to want that for you, too, and it should be not as hard as a job - at first, anyway!

 

Have a nice day with your family tomorrow. It will just be me and my son tomorrow, so pretty quiet, but I am thankful I feel better than I did last year and very grateful for my son.

[trippi1432]

He said that he needed to buy the condo for when my son moved back home, he would have a place to go. Prior to this, he rented a property his brother owned. Basically, he asked me if I would wait for him to get things figured out and get his condo, I told him no. It had no time limit and I've wasted enough of my time, if he can't even tell me how he feels about me, I'm certainly not going to waste my time waiting on him to figure things out. Then he asked me if I would at least wait a few days for him to think about things while he is at his brother's, I told him I could give him that.

 

He proceeded to gather things for what I thought was three days; however, he packed up all of his belongings. Words and actions certainly are not matching are they? I have a low tolerance for people who use my heart as a revolving door and to wait for him to figure out what he wants out of life - that just sounds too much like stringing along to me. He hugged me for a what seemed like forever and acted like he didn't want to leave. I asked him if he was waiting on me to tell him not to go, he repeated that he didn't feel like it was over....it certainly feels over to me (I didn't tell him that, but it is how it feels to me).

 

This thing he brought up about not being happy about where he is in his life, he's brought that up before because he feels like he's been "asleep" for the past three years and not been working towards his goals in life...better job, buying a rental property for extra income or starting his own business...etc. Nowhere in any of these goals does he ever mention a relationship or include me in them. I don't think that relationships have been high on his priority list and from what I could tell, I certainly am not on his priority list for his future plans.

 

Happy Thanksgiving.

Edited November 22, 2012 by trippi1432