Karma ~ Just Desserts??

[aMguilts]

hey trippi.

 

Something doesn`t add up and you know this deep down in your heart.?

Your strong and i know you won`t put up with his fencesitting. And why should you?

Putting you on the backboiler while he decides what he wants out of his life is so so wrong.

he seems very immature?

 

You seem to be giving him more and more time to `think` things through?

Something swirling around in my head ` if he wants to be with you, he would`

Not in a great place in my own life right now, so forgive me if i seem out of line.

 

Hugs

aM

[Yasuandio]

So....it's pretty much done I think. A lot of talking tonight especially after I told him I was going to let my son know what my SO was stressed about. He said he wasn't unhappy because of anyone else. He isn't where he thinks he needs to be in life and it affects his health. He has dreams, aspirations and I respect that. The only thing I have asked of him is to not let them affect how he feels about me as he can dip into his little world and space out.

 

So tonight I asked him if he loved me...he said he didn't know.

I asked him what he wanted....we made a list. Three things: Gym, therapy (he's going to start going to my therapist to figure out what he wants out of life) and rental property for an extra income. These are the things he feels he needs to do to feel better about himself. Admirable, I'm already to that point in my life where I know what I want. He's two years older and is still working on it, I can be patient about SOME things......

So I asked him what he wanted when it came to me:...................................

I plopped down a piece of paper and asked him what his feelings were for me:...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

 

He said he wanted to buy a condo and would I wait for him to figure things out? Um.....NO! We have been a year for him to figure things out for himself and for him to be happy with himself. I will kindly pay him a visit and give him a house-warming on my rounds to visit my other friends...non-gender specific.

 

He packed up tonight for a 3 nighter at his brothers...he asked me if I would wait for him that long to know what he wants, I said sure. He then packed up everything he owns. I said, wow, that's a lot for a 3 night visit...he said he really doesn't know what he is doing. So I asked him if he asked every woman in the past to wait for him to figure things out...he said No, but this is different. He doesn't feel this is over...........ummmm, he took everything, the realist side of me says it's over. New saying: "Never make someone a priority in your life.........when the paper is blank.

 

It's time to wake up or lose me...I've stopped making concessions for people in my life. I hate to hear people tell me I deserve better and conceding to less.

 

I think you may have gotten what you asked for with the assignment. It's the kind of thing you find in a women's magazine - men don't do well on those type of fill in the blank paper and pencil tests (you know their minds don't work that way) - so please don't take it personally. You set yourself up with that test - and got the answer you expected.

 

Just give the guy time and stop asking questions. And, as we always say to everyone else, move on. There is no other choice.

 

His statement regarding a place to go when your son is around says it ALL. That is the information you need to pay attention too. You guys are a lot of drama for your poor SO - who seems quiter in comparison. I can understand why he would need a private cave all his own.

 

I think once I mentioned the noise and kid/husband drama level, and it's possible effect on SO - did I not? It seems I recall, at any rate, noticing it over the phone myself - and wondering it's impact, whether I said anything or not. Just cannot remember.

 

I will again be alone for a non-holiday. Too many people will freack me out honey. You know how reclusive I am. I would be glad to talk to your son in near future - but I am tough old school teacher and professor. He will remember his discussion with me. Happy Turkey, Call if you need me. C

[trippi1432]

Not out of line at all aM - I'm open to just giving him the three days, we will see what happens after that. I'm pretty much guessing I will most likely go NC and disappear.

 

My feelings about him are pretty much conflicted at this point as well.

 

He's gone through these funks before where he feels like he hasn't done enough in life to financially get ahead. He gets down about his job because they jerk him around from 1st shift to 2nd shift sometimes. I've never put any pressure on him financially though, so I know that isn't the issue.

 

It's more his feelings about the matter and I've only asked him to talk to me when he gets down about things...but this time has been different. He started withdrawing physically and emotionally from me. That just reeks of something else. Who knows, perhaps he found someone online in the political forums he likes to blog on that peaked his interest. Prior to me, he was in two LDR's with ladies he met on a chat forum, so yeah...it's plausible but I'm not going to go looking for it. Today, I'm just at that point where I don't really give a d*mn about where his head is at.

[trippi1432]

I know C, the drama magnet roles when it comes to my kids and yes, he was zero drama (well except for the political drama he liked to get involved in - what is it with you Buckeye's?? LOL!!)

 

Yeah, I know....men don't do well on any of those tests, especially when it comes to telling you their feelings. He used to be pretty open about how he felt about me but it does go back to the whole drama thing and the kids. Hell, even I wish I had a safe place to run to like a deserted island to get away from the drama.

 

Yeah, we have talked about it before and it's effect. You know more than other's here C, the drama was one of the reasons I put my daughter and her fiance' out...it was getting over the top and they are grown adults. But it's not like he wasn't warned either. He pushed for wanting to legally "move in", I was the one that held back and said let's see how it goes with my daughter here, if we survive that, we can survive a nuclear disaster. If nothing else hun, I emptied the house finally, best friend now has her own place and she's loving it like I knew she would.

 

I'll give ya a call in a little bit.

[jaymz]

Big hugs, hope it works out.

[trippi1432]

Talk with son went okay....at first, he was upset and thought it a lame excuse not to love his mom. I explained to him that it wasn't that SO doesn't love me anymore, it's how he feels about the situation and whether or not he can deal with the verbal sparring because he hasn't had to be exposed to this before. He went from he hasn't even done anything since SO has been there to all kids are worse than me to everybody always wants to blame him and he's tired that when he is trying to change and be good, everyone wants to point the finger back at his past behavior.

 

I told him Time Out....let's really tackle this....Fact: Yes, you have done some things and they weren't good...all of that is in consideration. Fact: As YOUR mom, I don't really care about what other kids do, I CARE about what MY kid does and who it affects, namely someone I love and their happiness as well as how it affects me and my happiness. Fact: I know deep down my son has a heart of gold...I've seen it and there is a good kid in there that will grow up to be a good man. He will be a man that loves his girlfriend and wants to give her all the happiness in the world because she deserves it, who wants to see his mom happy because she deserves it but he will have to learn that caring about someone is not showing them the bad behavior he is trying to leave in the past. Instead of taking offense at someone pointing that out, shake it off and remember who you know in your heart you are....reverting to who you used to be just proves their point.

 

Son went on to say that all his life he has been blamed and yelled at and started noting his dad yelling at him since he was little. I asked him if he remembered when I would put him in time out, or in the corner, send him to his room...etc. He did and I told him, that was being a parent and correcting poor behavior, yelling at a kid for every little thing was not parenting. As a parent, it's also my job to say No. Not because I am looking for a fight, a battle of wills, but because it's my job as a parent to decide if he deserves something (like a game, a bike...etc), or if it can be afforded...instead, my saying No (setting limits) winds up in a major battle as he uses blame and fault-finding to guilt me into saying yes. And this is the behavior that is upsetting to SO, and what many others have pointed out, as being disrespectful and ultimately abusive and so frustrating to me as well.

 

I pointed out that SO does love me and care for me and his feeling this way is his right to say what he can and cannot tolerate and it's hard for me because I love and care for the SO as well. What I worry about the most is if I will ever be allowed to find the happiness I deserve as I would prefer the problem be me and not my children. Me, I can address and change but it's up to my children to grow up and into respectful people. We hugged and both cried some. He apologized and I said if he gets to see SO again, it would be nice if he would apologize to him too. He agreed.

 

On the way home from my mother's, I asked him if he was okay. He said yes, but he was mad. I said please don't be mad at SO, he said he wasn't, he was mad at himself. He said he never realized how his behavior hurt other people or affected others like this. I told him I loved him and I know he had a good heart.

 

The interesting thing is that on our way over to my mother's for Thanksgiving dinner before the above discussion, son and I talked about his plans after graduation and I mentioned that I didn't know if it was a good idea for him to live with me based on the issues we have. He said yeah, he had thought of that too but it was no big deal, he was just trying to plan things out. He could live at his dads as long as he keeps a job per his step-mother. I said that would have been my rule too. Son said he would probably just stay at his dads because places to work were closer anyways until he got a car.

 

If nothing else comes of this, the positive thing is that it may have improved the relationship with my son. If SO's decision is still that he needs to buy a condo and figure out his life and work on building a better income, then that is something he needs to do for himself as the "funks" he gets into stem from this also and the need to be a good provider. That I understand and not anything that I have put on him. On the other side, I have to decide what I will accept and not accept as well. It's really time to put all issues on the table as I don't want to settle for less than I deserve because I know that will ultimately affect my happiness as well.

[trippi1432]

Last update on this topic - SO is pretty much depressed. He doesn't find any joy in anything anymore, I wish I could say it's SADS, I really don't know. I've seen him dip this way before last year. He says when we go out, there's nothing to celebrate <--- not sure I understand that, he always seemed happy when we were out and about. I know that this is not his fault and I am the only person he has really ever shared this with but, it's time he shared that with a professional who can really help him. I hope he does that.

 

I've tried to assess where things were my fault, what women do - blame themselves, and he refuses to blame me for anything. He says that he knows it is something in him and that it's not fair to ask me to wait. He has no desire to see other women or anything like that. For me, it's hard to say I can hold on when he has told me that he doesn't know when he stopped loving me. I know if it is depression, nothing he says right now is going to make any sense. I've told him I'm not going anywhere and he knows how I feel about him. The only thing I can do is support him as a friend if and when he reaches out.

 

On my side, I really don't know what I want anymore. As Steen asked, is he The One? We probably aren't The One for each other. It happens, it's not really anybody's fault, it just wasn't meant to be. He's a wonderful friend and I care deeply for him. I don't know if either of us will want a relationship beyond friendship in the future, I just know that I need to protect my heart and my own emotional well-being right now.

[Steen719]

It says a lot about what kind of person you are that someone you have dated for a year can tell you they are not sure when they quit loving you and you are still willing to be their friend. I hope you can put him in a compartment of your heart that is for friends and then begin to work on your family issues until those are in a good place - then if love comes knocking and it is the one, you will be "more" ready for it.

[Steen719]

How is it going for you, Trippi?

[trippi1432]

Hey Steen....what can I say?? It's going.

 

Ex SO and I are "friends" I guess. I check on him about once a week to see how he is doing, put I don't "poke the sleeping dragon" if you know what I mean. This has given me time to focus on me and what I really want out of a relationship and life. He knows how to get up with me if he wanted to, pretty much doesn't, but he is actively pursuing buying a house and he did decide to stay in the band we are in....says he guesses it's good therapy. Saw him last weekend for the first time and he gave me a half hug and seemed in good spirits which I am glad to see.

 

Son and I are going to spend a few days together before Christmas and then I am going to go decorate Palm Trees as I spend Christmas with my folks in Florida. This will the first time ExH and I haven't split Christmas day, but I think it will be good too for him to spend the whole day with his dad. This Friday, we lay to rest my paternal Grandmother and my dad worries about his health, so it will be good to spend another Christmas with my dad since he lives 1200 miles away.

[Steen719]

It seems as if you are OK with the way things are with ex SO. I hope so and I hope things are better with your son.

 

Sorry to hear about your grandmother. Maybe a trip to Florida will do you some good. It is usually good to be with family - it is for me. I like being with people who love me and I know it!

 

Well, I just wondered how your life was going and if you had worked it out with your bf. Best to you and have fun decorating those palm trees! Bring your sunglasses - the sun is shining here!

[trippi1432]

I heard....80 degrees on Christmas Day!!

 

They say it takes a village to raise a child, I saw where I needed to bolster my support system some. Wasn't really bad on what was going on in that support system (it was really so minor that none of us really recognized it), but it was the way my son was using it to create guilt to get his way. Now the support system is all on the same page. Things with son are good.

 

Thanks for checking in Steen.

[MyEvilTwin]

Hey Trippi,

I'm so jealous of that 80 degree Christmas you are going to have!

Getting out of dodge may be just the best thing for you.

[trippi1432]

Update - Well, it's nearing the 2 month mark and I would say that ex-SO and I are completely done and I guess we have left it with our self-respect intact and we are able to be in our band together without any issues.

 

I asked him last weekend to finally change his FB status and profile picture because it was hard being the only one really dealing with this situation publicly and having people tell me that he must still be in love with me because of that. If a man really loves you and wants the relationship, it takes a little more than social media to make me believe it. I do have to be honest here, his words (which are zero) and his actions (which are zero) do match in this case and in that equates to "He does not love you and perhaps never did". The FB things....perhaps a little bit of being a martyr, but I don't over-romanticize that stuff....if I were a teenager, perhaps.

 

We did chat about the relationship finally last weekend and he told me I was correct when I said we needed to break up and also correct when I said it was not fair to ask me to wait on him to sort his life. I had been avoiding this talk because I felt if he really was depressed, talking about the relationship was not the right thing to do, give him space to sort himself. Honestly, from where I sit, it's been 2 months and he really hasn't done much to change his "lot in life" other than put me on the back-burner which is something I felt he was doing and prompted the break up talk. I asked him if was unhappy when we were together and he admitted that he was and that he felt restless. I had already honed in on that by his inaction for several weeks in our relationship and what finally led up to the break up talk. He's adamant on letting me know that it was not anything that I had done to make him unhappy, it is something in himself and I understand where he is coming from when it comes to that. The fact is, he was already like this before I knew him and why he doesn't lay blame on me for it. If nothing else, it's something that I appreciate that he does respect me enough to not blame me for his own short-comings and that I have returned in kind as I know I do have my own as well, so I do own up to how things went in the break up talk.

 

So a year and four months of my life....with a wonderful man that I did care deeply for. I put my needs on the table, my daughter would be happy I did that finally as one of the issues she and I had a while back is that I wasn't doing this because I didn't want to "rock the boat". In return, he was honest and realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship and had reservations about my son. I guess that is the "summary". Even though I told him I couldn't wait for him, I have been watching from the sidelines, but it is time to move forward because inaction to better his own life is where he seems to feel comfortable and it's not a place where I can thrive in a relationship. I don't know if he is really depressed or more focusing on just himself due to the break up talk, but I can say that there is a reason I have been vocal about NC rules. I've reached out to him several times thinking the issue is depression but I did spend several weeks after my grandmother's death not contacting him. I've also told him many times how I felt about him, I've stopped because I have stopped feeling anything for him anymore. His NC helped me see that I don't love him anymore and I am pretty much numb to feeling anything for him now.

 

The issues were most likely resolvable, but now they aren't because, prior to this, he had a problem sharing his feelings with me...with anyone for that matter. Instead he keeps them to himself and pulls inside himself, not letting anyone in. I'm not going to say that this is depression but more just how he is. When we are playing with the band, he seems happy with that and we are acquaintances in that regard. When I think to what kind of future we would have had together, it probably would have felt more like "roommates". Honestly, I'm too passionate a person to have been happy with that, so I am glad that I did recognize this before I made a mistake and chose to be with a man that was wrong for me again. It was right to get it out on the table before I made that decision to officially live together.

 

So, I have friends asking me if I am going to take the blame for the break up, yeah, I am because it was the right thing to do. This is what happens after divorce when trying to start your life over. It's a series of starts and stops and bumps in the road....in between the bumps, you can experience some wonderful things that help you learn what you really want in a partner. Like Steen stated.....when the right person comes along, you will be more ready for it next time.

Edited January 13, 2013 by trippi1432

[Gunny376]

Thanks for the up-date! I don't comment too much on your thread, because from this side of the monitor you seem to have a good handle and all the more a damn good perspective and attitude about it all.

 

Or as us military types say, "Vets know Vets!" That is to say that its hard to explain something ~ an experience for instance ~ to someone who's never been there, nor experienced it? And if both parties of the conversation have already been through it? There's really nothing to be said nor done except to sling one back at the bar and say, "Yeap!"

 

It kind of like trying to describe what its like being a woman giving birth to a child? To a man or someone who's never given birth. Personally, Bill Cosby comical description of taking one's lower lip and pulling it over the top of your head works for me? :eek: :eek:

 

So here's to you, and here's to me! Slinging back some 12 year old Scotch Whiskey and just sayinig,................................

 

"Yep!"

[Gunny376]

In so far as Karma goes? I was born in 1957? I fairly convicned I must have been a Nazi something or the other in a fromer life ~ because I'm paying for it in spades now!

[trippi1432]

Thanks for the up-date! I don't comment too much on your thread, because from this side of the monitor you seem to have a good handle and all the more a damn good perspective and attitude about it all.

 

Or as us military types say, "Vets know Vets!" That is to say that its hard to explain something ~ an experience for instance ~ to someone who's never been there, nor experienced it? And if both parties of the conversation have already been through it? There's really nothing to be said nor done except to sling one back at the bar and say, "Yeap!"

 

It kind of like trying to describe what its like being a woman giving birth to a child? To a man or someone who's never given birth. Personally, Bill Cosby comical description of taking one's lower lip and pulling it over the top of your head works for me? :eek: :eek:

 

So here's to you, and here's to me! Slinging back some 12 year old Scotch Whiskey and just sayinig,................................

 

"Yep!"

 

Yeeeaaaap! Thanks Gunny! I would have to say that if there is one hard lesson I have learned, it's not to go chasing "rainbows" or mythical unicorns. When someone isn't right for you, you learn and you move on. Doesn't mean you don't miss them, especially when the good outweighs everything else, you just come to acceptance.

 

In so far as Karma goes? I was born in 1957? I fairly convicned I must have been a Nazi something or the other in a fromer life ~ because I'm paying for it in spades now!

 

Ya know....Tara is going to get me for this!! :eek: I did start this thread a long time ago because I wonder just what in the world I did in a previous life to deserve not being able to find the right man in this one.

 

Well, partner picker was broke....it's getting better though!

[KathyM]

I haven't read all the responses to this thread, but I'd just like to say that I think everybody loses when it comes to affairs. You have lost your husband, your child has lost his father, who is now only a part-time dad to him and is dividing his time/attention/money between his own son and his newly adopted family, but also the OW may have gained a husband, but it is one who has poor character, who cheated on his family, and she now has someone whom she cannot really trust. The MM loses as well, because he loses the time with and respect of his own son, he loses his money, which is now subdivided between supporting his own son and his new "adopted" children, and he is now supporting two households. Nobody wins in the case of an affair. So in some respects, there is karma for those who cheat, even if it appears the OW won something.

[Gunny376]

Yeeeaaaap! Thanks Gunny! I would have to say that if there is one hard lesson I have learned, it's not to go chasing "rainbows" or mythical unicorns. When someone isn't right for you, you learn and you move on. Doesn't mean you don't miss them, especially when the good outweighs everything else, you just come to acceptance.]

 

Ya know....Tara is going to get me for this!! :eek: I did start this thread a long time ago because I wonder just what in the world I did in a previous life to deserve not being able to find the right man in this one.

 

Well, partner picker was broke....it's getting better though!

 

Sometimes?

 

 

You've just gotta' laugh to keep from cryin'

 

I think I would like to just drunk with Ron White, Kris Krosterferstein, Willie Nelson, Johnny Cash, Hank Williams Jr. Rossaine, Ed Murphay, Johnny Carson, Red Skelton, Burl Ives, Ed McMan, Jackie Glesson, Janis Joplin, Waylon Jennings, .........................just a few

 

And YOU!:love::love::love:

[Gunny376]

:love: :love:And Mrs Gunny of course!!!!!!!!!! :love: :love: She said that she's indulged before? But she doesn't appreciate 12 year old Scotch? Especially in me!

[trippi1432]

LOL! Dolly Parton (sometimes simple makes more sense than complex), Marilyn Monroe (if you can't handle me at my worst, you sure don't deserve me at my best), Miranda Lambert, Roseanne Cash, Joplin definitely, Ellen Degeneres, Bill Cosby, Willie Rocks!! and Kris Kristofferson (because he and my step-dad could be brothers).

[Steen719]

Update - Well, it's nearing the 2 month mark and I would say that ex-SO and I are completely done and I guess we have left it with our self-respect intact and we are able to be in our band together without any issues.

 

I asked him last weekend to finally change his FB status and profile picture because it was hard being the only one really dealing with this situation publicly and having people tell me that he must still be in love with me because of that. If a man really loves you and wants the relationship, it takes a little more than social media to make me believe it. I do have to be honest here, his words (which are zero) and his actions (which are zero) do match in this case and in that equates to "He does not love you and perhaps never did". The FB things....perhaps a little bit of being a martyr, but I don't over-romanticize that stuff....if I were a teenager, perhaps.

 

We did chat about the relationship finally last weekend and he told me I was correct when I said we needed to break up and also correct when I said it was not fair to ask me to wait on him to sort his life. I had been avoiding this talk because I felt if he really was depressed, talking about the relationship was not the right thing to do, give him space to sort himself. Honestly, from where I sit, it's been 2 months and he really hasn't done much to change his "lot in life" other than put me on the back-burner which is something I felt he was doing and prompted the break up talk. I asked him if was unhappy when we were together and he admitted that he was and that he felt restless. I had already honed in on that by his inaction for several weeks in our relationship and what finally led up to the break up talk. He's adamant on letting me know that it was not anything that I had done to make him unhappy, it is something in himself and I understand where he is coming from when it comes to that. The fact is, he was already like this before I knew him and why he doesn't lay blame on me for it. If nothing else, it's something that I appreciate that he does respect me enough to not blame me for his own short-comings and that I have returned in kind as I know I do have my own as well, so I do own up to how things went in the break up talk.

 

So a year and four months of my life....with a wonderful man that I did care deeply for. I put my needs on the table, my daughter would be happy I did that finally as one of the issues she and I had a while back is that I wasn't doing this because I didn't want to "rock the boat". In return, he was honest and realized that he wasn't ready for a relationship and had reservations about my son. I guess that is the "summary". Even though I told him I couldn't wait for him, I have been watching from the sidelines, but it is time to move forward because inaction to better his own life is where he seems to feel comfortable and it's not a place where I can thrive in a relationship. I don't know if he is really depressed or more focusing on just himself due to the break up talk, but I can say that there is a reason I have been vocal about NC rules. I've reached out to him several times thinking the issue is depression but I did spend several weeks after my grandmother's death not contacting him. I've also told him many times how I felt about him, I've stopped because I have stopped feeling anything for him anymore. His NC helped me see that I don't love him anymore and I am pretty much numb to feeling anything for him now.

 

The issues were most likely resolvable, but now they aren't because, prior to this, he had a problem sharing his feelings with me...with anyone for that matter. Instead he keeps them to himself and pulls inside himself, not letting anyone in. I'm not going to say that this is depression but more just how he is. When we are playing with the band, he seems happy with that and we are acquaintances in that regard. When I think to what kind of future we would have had together, it probably would have felt more like "roommates". Honestly, I'm too passionate a person to have been happy with that, so I am glad that I did recognize this before I made a mistake and chose to be with a man that was wrong for me again. It was right to get it out on the table before I made that decision to officially live together.

 

So, I have friends asking me if I am going to take the blame for the break up, yeah, I am because it was the right thing to do. This is what happens after divorce when trying to start your life over. It's a series of starts and stops and bumps in the road....in between the bumps, you can experience some wonderful things that help you learn what you really want in a partner. Like Steen stated.....when the right person comes along, you will be more ready for it next time.

 

Hi Trippi,

Well, I guess now you know for sure. One of the things that really struck me was your discussion on NC. When it was suggested to me that the feelings I felt for XH (longing, feeling that I had lost my love) had a lot to do with the betrayal, how unattractive and unwanted I felt, how frightened, angry.......well you get the picture, I just didn't give that idea any credence. I was so sure that my feelings for my XH were just simply this love that would never change. Now, I can't examine every little thought - I just don't have it in me, but recently, I have been amazed that I find myself not feeling that way about him. I was told by people who knew us both that in time, I would look at this and ask myself why I didn't do this sooner. It is true. I do wish that. NC is a great tool, really helps you get perspective and I practice it unless I absolutely have to talk to him and then it is by email or text. I think it can bring clarity.

 

I think it's great that you can stay in the band together - what do you play btw?

 

Glad you are moving on. Good things ahead, right? And having fun while we are waiting!

[TaraMaiden]

Ya know....Tara is going to get me for this!! :eek:

 

Yeah.

 

But I'm, saving it up for the next life.

 

I'm coming back as a Unicorn.

How 'bout you.....?

 

[trippi1432]

Yeah.

 

But I'm, saving it up for the next life.

 

I'm coming back as a Unicorn.

How 'bout you.....?

 

 

LMAO!! :laugh:

 

If nothing else, you guys are making me laugh today!

 

I'm coming back as a Pegasus.

 

"Personification of the water, solar myth, or shaman mount, Carl Jung and his followers have seen in Pegasus a profound symbolic esoteric in relation to the spiritual energy that allows to access to the realm of the gods on Mount Olympus."

[TaraMaiden]