vsmini Posted June 6, 2011 Posted June 6, 2011 Well the good news is that my boyfriend said he wants to marry me someday. This was not a proposal or promise but generally speaking. We are both 28 and at good spots in our lives. We've only been dating 6 months but I suppose that is neither here nor there in regards to my post. If he brings it up again I want to stress how much I believe in my stance on marriage. Yes - I do believe in marriage. Yes - I do think and expect it to be really, really hard at times. Yes - I do consider the possibility that it will not work out forever. So. I wanted to talk about people's views on marriage and since this is the first time I've ever seriously considered marrying a guy I wanted to get a few things out and wondered if anyone had the same talk and/or views with their spouse once they got married: -Marriage means sticking it out through the rough patches. Even when you feel angry and hurt. -It means keeping yourself out of tempting situations so you don't purposely walk into an opportunity to cheat. -It means perhaps meeting someone down the road (10, 15, 25 years from now) that you think would be even MORE perfect for you but letting them pass by since you've taken the oath of marriage. -And it means sticking through it even when you get to midlife crisis and say "f*ck it, I only have one life to live anyway." I want to gently have a conversation along these lines so he understands what I expect out of marriage. I'm not going to bring it up anytime soon but I wondered what kinds of conversations you had with your SO's before you got married. Thanks!
tigressA Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm not married, but BF and I have talked about marriage and I agree with your stance. I don't desire to be married. I see it as the contract that it is, not really as a romantic notion, though I wouldn't do it with someone I didn't already know I wanted to spend the rest of my days with. I do believe in marriage. I do feel it is 'for life' and I of course would not make the commitment if I wasn't prepared to stick to it, except in extreme cases (abuse, serial cheating). I have made that known to my BF. I definitely encourage you to talk to your BF about your expectations when you feel the time is right. Each of you should be aware of those (certainly he has some too) going into such a huge commitment.
sunshinegirl Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 -Marriage means sticking it out through the rough patches. Even when you feel angry and hurt. -It means keeping yourself out of tempting situations so you don't purposely walk into an opportunity to cheat. -It means perhaps meeting someone down the road (10, 15, 25 years from now) that you think would be even MORE perfect for you but letting them pass by since you've taken the oath of marriage. -And it means sticking through it even when you get to midlife crisis and say "f*ck it, I only have one life to live anyway." Yes, I'd say H and I share this perspective. Our conversations started early on in our dating life... we had both experienced sudden breakups with no explanation, and we agreed that we would not do that to each other; no matter what the problem was we wouldn't blindside the other by exiting without attempting to work on the issue. I think that morphed pretty naturally into conversations about what marriage would mean for us. We both see marriage as a life long commitment and have explicitly discussed your points 1, 2, and 4. We've also talked about what we like and don't like about our parents' marriages, and what we hope to emulate and avoid from their examples.
quankanne Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 marriage means mutual respect, period. Because if that's not there, no amount of love is going to save the relationship.
Ouroboros Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I'm coming around to the idea that my stance for myself is marriage is for someone else.
Woggle Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 Despite being in a very happy marriage myself I have mixed feelings on it. I agree with your stance but how many people actually treat marriage in that manner? It's clear that marriage itself is just not working out these days.
fazz Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I agree completely with the OP. And I think I should make sure that my partner has the same ideas about marriage too before we jump in the boat.
heartshaped Posted June 7, 2011 Posted June 7, 2011 I think something more important in making a marriage work isn't so much your ideals about marriage, but what are your genuine ideals when it comes to finances, children, chores, where you will live, religious practices, sex, in-laws, work, fidelity, etc, etc. My boyfriend and I have talked a good bit about marriage since we are getting to a point where it's a serious consideration and we have discovered some differences in our opinions of things. Nothing deal breaking, but it's good to go into things knowing this is how he wants our children to be raised, this is how he wants to manage finances and how much debt he has, this is how often he wants to see his family, this is how he feels about one of us possibly staying home when the children are small, etc etc.
TokyoG33kyGal Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 -It means perhaps meeting someone down the road (10, 15, 25 years from now) that you think would be even MORE perfect for you but letting them pass by since you've taken the oath of marriage. there must be clearly something wrong with my marriage if i think someone else is more perfect for me but i agree with heartshaped that you should see more eye-to-eye on things about finances, children, etc. most couples argue about that and they realize like after 1-3 years of marriage that they are two different people. and i don't want to stick out just because i made a commitment and for the heck of it...that's why i should make sure that i am marrying the person who i am most compatible with. i don't believe in mr. right or the serendipitous definition of "the one." you are right in a way that yes there may be someone else more compatible that you will meet down the road but this does not become a conscious option since you are in love and fully committed to your husband/wife. i think more than anything, i don't have a definite "idea" about marriage, but i expect my partner to be there for me during our tough times. that is the true test of marriage i think. tbh i never really myself as the marrying type but suddenly the picture of the future became clear when i had a preview of how my marriage is going to be. i had this date gone wrong with my fiance and it turned out to be the most memorable one. he was so composed the whole time, he takes the lead when i shut down and he made that disaster date into a wonderful one.
oldguy Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 (edited) I think that people should work on their relationship, daily. Too many people begin to take each other & their relationship for granted. I've always believed in the old adage; "when the grass starts to look greener on the other side of the fence, it's time to fertilize your own lawn". We all change aver the years & if we don't work at changing together we will drift apart. Edited June 9, 2011 by oldguy
Millard Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Marriage means to love unconditionally. Not only do you have to stick through the thick & thin of EVERYTHING both of you will encounter, but that also means sticking together when you're poor & desolate, unhealthy or disabled, crazy rich out of your minds with billion dollar homes -- To be married is to make a life long commitment to the person you're promising to share most of your life with. Marriage is NOT black & white, so be prepared when **** hits the fan.
Author vsmini Posted June 12, 2011 Author Posted June 12, 2011 Marriage means to love unconditionally. Not only do you have to stick through the thick & thin of EVERYTHING both of you will encounter, but that also means sticking together when you're poor & desolate, unhealthy or disabled, crazy rich out of your minds with billion dollar homes -- To be married is to make a life long commitment to the person you're promising to share most of your life with. Marriage is NOT black & white, so be prepared when **** hits the fan. Now what if there is an affair - they broke the commitment first. Does that count for physical abuse as well?
Woggle Posted June 12, 2011 Posted June 12, 2011 Now what if there is an affair - they broke the commitment first. Does that count for physical abuse as well? Affairs, abuse and mistreatment are all good grounds for divorce. I don't believe in throwing away good relationships in search of some unattainable perfection but nobody should put up with mistreatment.
aerogurl87 Posted June 14, 2011 Posted June 14, 2011 My boyfriend and I have had a few indepth conversations on marriage. Our premise is this basically: We promise to be faithful and each other's best friend until we die. That's pretty much covers what marriage is for us. Simple and to the point, but what it entails is being open, responsible, caring, honest, and not wanting to bolt because some hottie came into view. Plus him and I've had a long, hard road so far. But neither of us would change it for the world because of how much closer it brought us and how much clearer it made things for us personally and regarding the bond we have together.
Crabbies Posted July 24, 2011 Posted July 24, 2011 it's a legally binding contract: great for women (go for it), I wouldn't recommend it to your intended...
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