What kind of conversation did you have with your SO before you got married?

[vsmini]

This is directed at everyone. People who are engaged, happily married, unhappily married, separated, or divorced.

 

Did you/do you wish you had some serious talks with your SO before you got married about your expectations about marriage? Do you regret not having certain conversations or not being on the same page about certain things?

 

If you could go back - what would you tell yourself to ask/understand about your SO before you got married.

 

Thanks everyone!

[crazycatlady]

This is directed at everyone. People who are engaged, happily married, unhappily married, separated, or divorced.

 

Did you/do you wish you had some serious talks with your SO before you got married about your expectations about marriage? Do you regret not having certain conversations or not being on the same page about certain things?

 

If you could go back - what would you tell yourself to ask/understand about your SO before you got married.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

The only thing I would have changed would be for him to live alone for 6 months instead of basically moving in with him right after he moved out of his momma's house (he actually lived with his friend for one month before I joined him for a month and then we got our own place). But i think he probably could have used 6 months of living on his own before we moved in together. He never had to take care of really anything because first mom did and then I took over.

 

But otherwise, nope. We talked a lot about everything before we got married. And even more importantly, after we got married.

[ShatteredReality]

We talked about all of the important things...dreams and hopes for the future. Reality - how many kids / religion / political views...if I had it to do again I might set some very firm boundaries of what I would and would not live with long term...and ask the same of him.

[Afishwithabike]

I dated him for years so it wasn't like we had one big conversation before we got married. In the course of dating him over college and afterwards, I knew his views on religion, politics, lifestyle, money matters, number of children, goals in life, fears, setbacks, achievements, family background, family problems, etc.

 

Too many people rush into marriage before they really know each other. It's not enough to love each other and want to spend time with each other. You need to make sure you're on the same page as far as future goals. Sometimes you think you know what a person's answer is, but when you start the discussion you might be surprised by the responses.

[Stung]

Well, we'd been living together and raising children together for a few years before we ever got married, so I think we had all of that pretty well covered. He'd also been pretty much my best friend for a couple of years before we even moved in together, and we talked about everything. We had already gone through some tough adjustments the first year of living together with me becoming a stepmother to his lovely daughter, and weathering a death in his family, after that we knew we were strong--and by the time we got around to the wedding ceremony we'd already merged our finances, worked together professionally, had a baby together, bought real estate together.

 

We were in our 30s when we married, also, and we had both already had serious live-in relationships prior to ever meeting each other, which had taught us a lot.

 

I do think way, way too many people marry too young and without enough forethought, or with too little understanding of the changing dynamics in long-term live-in relationships.

[OWoman]

This is directed at everyone. People who are engaged, happily married, unhappily married, separated, or divorced.

 

Did you/do you wish you had some serious talks with your SO before you got married about your expectations about marriage? Do you regret not having certain conversations or not being on the same page about certain things?

 

If you could go back - what would you tell yourself to ask/understand about your SO before you got married.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

We're both second-timers, so we both knew how bad things could be. Before we decided we wanted to be together full-time we'd discussed our views on M, our views on "the perfect R", as well as all of those other things that matter most to us. By the time we decided we wanted to be together full-time, we knew each other inside-out, and knew that our values aligned on all the important matters, and that we were similar enough to get along but also different enough for interest to remain.

 

I wouldn't do it any differently - it's worked out wonderfully for us

[The Great Gazoo]

Have regretted not doing it for the last 6 weeks post separation

[Eve]

This is directed at everyone. People who are engaged, happily married, unhappily married, separated, or divorced.

 

Did you/do you wish you had some serious talks with your SO before you got married about your expectations about marriage? Do you regret not having certain conversations or not being on the same page about certain things?

 

If you could go back - what would you tell yourself to ask/understand about your SO before you got married.

 

Thanks everyone!

 

We didn't discuss much because we are pretty much of the same mind. Our base agreements came about through living with each other for six months or so before we got married. We were married in under one year of meeting. The main thing was to tell each other if we wanted to be with someone else and we both agreed that we would try counselling in the first instance rather than split up if this came up in the future.

 

We have differing political views but are not committed to politics so that has not been a problem. Hubby even used his vote when I was unable to use mine to support my party! I thought that was cute.

 

Housework rule is just to help each other and as far as possible to do it on a Thursday evening so we are free at the weekend. Also, whoever cooks, the other one washes up.

 

We agreed that the natural parent will parent their child as they are accustomed with background support only from the step parent - and if we disagreed to tell each other away from the kids.

 

We did jointly agree to tests for sexually transmitted infections before making love for the first time. Our negative results became the glue behind our deal to tell each other we wanted someone else rather than cheating deal - neither of us want to contract a disease because of a decision made by the other party.

 

We agreed to having a shared account and to know each others bank details, passwords etc. We spend what we want pretty much but always tell the other what we are doing. Birthday events, large purchases are agreed together.

 

Both have the same religious beliefs and humanistic leanings.

 

Wouldn't change a thing.

 

H'mmm... maybe we did more than what I thought pre marriage. Had not really thought about it before. I prefer things to be spontaneous and do see our marriage as something that is changing with time to take in things such as how we look after our health and how we manage getting older together.

 

I always hoped that I could be this happy.

 

Take care,

Eve x

Edited June 10, 2011 by Eve

[xxoo]

We talked about anything and everything that came up. Hours and hours of talking, wanting to know everything about each other, and dreaming our life together

 

Maybe the most important thing--we never avoided any conversations out of fear or awkwardness. If there was a possible incompatibility, I wanted to explore that and find out before marriage!

 

I remember having specific conversations about money and raising a family, because our fathers were different in that regard. I knew I could not live with a man who approached money and children the way his did (basically--screw the kids, I'm taking care of myself). My father, while never rich, put us kids first in terms of security and education. H was very young when we got together, and his path was yet unclear. So we had progressive discussions on that topic as our relationship got more serious. In the end, he modeled after my own father, which makes me (and my dad!) very proud.

[WhisperinnWinds]

We've been dating for nearly 3 years and really we've discussed about everything. Our views on kids, how they should be raised, religion, housework, finances, careers, homes, communication styles, how to acknowledge and deal with family members, pets, cars, abortion, unplanned pregnancies, health care, weapons, abuse (physical/verbal/emotional), our upbringings, our family medical history... you name it. I was surprised to find out that we held such similar views on so many things. You can't plan for everything, but I think we have reasonable expectations about what to get here going forward.

 

Of course, living together (as we do now) has helped. It's a preview into what the marriage may be like in terms of how we'll get along and work together to manage our house and our relationship. I'm rather pleased with the progression, in that capacity.

 

The only thing I wish we had done is discuss engagement and getting married sooner. We were dating for more than a year before I could finally bring it up (I only wanted to ask, "Do you see yourself EVER marrying?", which he always deflected) in any capacity. We talked sometimes about engagement, which was originally supposed to be "between 2 and 3 years." Now we're living together, 3 years is just a few months away, and talks of engagement and marriage are just as infrequent.

 

Before I moved in, we did agree on a one-year timeline to get engaged. Now we're one-third of the way through that deadline and still nothing has happened.

 

He is talking about buying our first house, though. Maybe that's a sign that it's coming...or maybe not. During those conversations, I often think: "Ok...house...so wedding/engagement will probably be out of the picture for a while." Both are, well, obviously, a lot of money.