networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Ok I'm 41, married for 15 years with three kids. I have never cheated (not even emotionally) on my wife, and all and all we've had a decent marriage. Had its normal ups and downs and such, but nothing major. So there was this girl back in 1994 who I hung out with a lot. At the time I was her supervisor, and even though I was interested in her, but with us both working at a financial institution at the time, well it was a no-no to fraternize in any way with subordinates. This was all in CO where I went to college. I left the bank and moved to TX. While there, we mailed letters back and forth and talked for HOURS and HOURS on the phone. I even came up to CO to visit her to hang out. It was a great time and I really wanted to turn things up. Well one day, being young and dumb, I wrote something in a letter that royally pissed her off. The next day we talked, she ripped me a new one! Needless to say that was the end of that and she married the guy she was sort of seeing right after this "ending" with me. To be honest, I can't even call the relationship your typical BF/GF setup, so not even sure what it all was to tell you the truth! So, she moved on, I moved on and met my wife in TX. So a few years ago, I found this same girl on Facebook. We exchanged nice PM's even IM'd each other once in a while, bragging about our spouses and our kids. Was just nice to catch up. No feelings, just like, "Oh cool to catch up with an old friend" type of thing. Anyway, we moved to CO last August. Now, I didn't say a word to this girl because being close, I just didn't want to start anything weird. I dunno, just didn't want to tell her I guess. I don't even know what the big deal is. Well she found out I was here in CO because I changed my status to reflect what city I was living in. So she PM's me, and we start talking via FB back and forth. Then it turns into IM-ing back and forth. Well we've graduated to texting. Anyway, I am meeting with her tomorrow at a bar nearby. I told her I was a little nervous to see her again after all these years, and she thought that was SO cute! Oh and by the way, she is separating from her husband as we speak, not because of me of course, just weird timing I guess. I think I might be developing feelings fer her again after all this time. I don't know if it's that, or am I just in love with the idea of going back in time when I had a super crush on her back then. Maybe I am feeling like 24 again. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
YellowShark Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Good old Facebook strikes again. I've taken so much heat on this message board over my dislike of Facebook and yet this is the very reason why I dislike it. You would have never reconnectd with an old flame had Facebook not made it so easy to do so. Anyhow, here's my advice. Don't see her, don't throw your wife under a bus. You are entering very dangerous waters and before you do something you will regret just hit the brakes. She is an old flame and unless you are single she should remain in the past. Take a deep breath and reflect on the consequences of re-engaging an old flame *now* 17 years later. Edited June 7, 2011 by YellowShark 1 Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Good old Facebook strikes again. I've taken so much heat on this message board over my dislike of Facebook and yet this is the very reason why I dislike it. You would have never reconnectd with an old flame had Facebook not made it so easy to do so. In all fairness, not liking FB because it can lead to affairs is like not liking guns because people get shot. People will do what they want to do anyway they can... Here's what I think you need to consider OP. If you do get involved with this woman, expect blowback to affect your wife and three kiddies in some way or form. It's only logical. Think about the risks vs rewards of doing what you are considering then ask yourself whether it is really worth it. I think I might be developing feelings fer her again after all this time. I don't know if it's that, or am I just in love with the idea of going back in time when I had a super crush on her back then. Maybe I am feeling like 24 again. ^ This is interesting. When it comes to something as risky as affairs, you need to be 100% sure of what you are doing. This situation really isn't a "I just wanted to see what would happen...oh oopsies" kinda deal. You don't sound like you are 100% sure that you want to do this. In which case, I would suggest that you find out why you are even considering doing this in the first place. Then find out how you can resolve your feelings without putting your wife, kids, or this other woman in the metaphorical sh*tter. Edited June 7, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Don't meet up with her alone. If you want to have an affair you're making all the right moves. If you don't want to have an affair then you need to stop this thing in its tracks. Introduce her to your wife. If you want her in your life the only way to do that without destroying your marriage is to have her as a casual friend who your wife knows about 100%. Otherwise my main advice would be to RUN and get her out of your life ASAP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 In all fairness, not liking FB because it can lead to affairs is like not liking guns because people get shot. People will do what they want to do anyway they can... Here's what I think you need to consider OP. If you do get involved with this woman, expect blowback to affect your wife and three kiddies in some way or form. It's only logical. Think about the risks vs rewards of doing what you are considering then ask yourself whether it is really worth it. ^ This is interesting. When it comes to something as risky as affairs, you need to be 100% sure of what you are doing. This situation really isn't a "I just wanted to see what would happen...oh oopsies" kinda deal. You don't sound like you are 100% sure that you want to do this. In which case, I would suggest that you find out why you are even considering doing this in the first place. Then find out how you can resolve your feelings without putting your wife, kids, or this other woman in the metaphorical sh*tter. I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up? Link to post Share on other sites
ShatteredReality Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up? Does it matter what she thinks? If you want to "catch up" bring your wife. Don't do this thing in secrecy. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up? In this case, you aren't even sure as to what you want. And that's why you have to proceed slowly. You aren't thinking clearly. If you are 100% commited into meeting her, why not bring your wife as well? Minimises the risks involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Fugu Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Ok I'm 41, married for 15 years with three kids. I have never cheated (not even emotionally) on my wife, and all and all we've had a decent marriage. Had its normal ups and downs and such, but nothing major. So there was this girl back in 1994 who I hung out with a lot. At the time I was her supervisor, and even though I was interested in her, but with us both working at a financial institution at the time, well it was a no-no to fraternize in any way with subordinates. This was all in CO where I went to college. I left the bank and moved to TX. While there, we mailed letters back and forth and talked for HOURS and HOURS on the phone. I even came up to CO to visit her to hang out. It was a great time and I really wanted to turn things up. Well one day, being young and dumb, I wrote something in a letter that royally pissed her off. The next day we talked, she ripped me a new one! Needless to say that was the end of that and she married the guy she was sort of seeing right after this "ending" with me. To be honest, I can't even call the relationship your typical BF/GF setup, so not even sure what it all was to tell you the truth! So, she moved on, I moved on and met my wife in TX. So a few years ago, I found this same girl on Facebook. We exchanged nice PM's even IM'd each other once in a while, bragging about our spouses and our kids. Was just nice to catch up. No feelings, just like, "Oh cool to catch up with an old friend" type of thing. Anyway, we moved to CO last August. Now, I didn't say a word to this girl because being close, I just didn't want to start anything weird. I dunno, just didn't want to tell her I guess. I don't even know what the big deal is. Well she found out I was here in CO because I changed my status to reflect what city I was living in. So she PM's me, and we start talking via FB back and forth. Then it turns into IM-ing back and forth. Well we've graduated to texting. Anyway, I am meeting with her tomorrow at a bar nearby. I told her I was a little nervous to see her again after all these years, and she thought that was SO cute! Oh and by the way, she is separating from her husband as we speak, not because of me of course, just weird timing I guess. I think I might be developing feelings fer her again after all this time. I don't know if it's that, or am I just in love with the idea of going back in time when I had a super crush on her back then. Maybe I am feeling like 24 again. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks for reading! If you value your marriage, you will not go through with this. You know this is not just a 'friend'. This is someone with whom you've always had an attraction to, and from what you've written, it seems like she's had some level of attraction to you as well. From the looks of it, this appears to be the kind of meeting where, right now, there's no real interest because you all haven't seen each other in years. But it's the kind of occasion on which you two down a drink or two, start laughing with each other while recalling the good ole days, and before you know it, you're dick deep in her vagina. If you end up having a fling, just remember, you set it up yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up? Does your wife know you're going to a 'bar' to meet this girl from your past? Is she aware that you two have connected again? I think you're making a HUGE mistake by opening this door.. And I think you know it too but are hell bent on seeing this through. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up? Whats YOUR intention? What do you expect of this? You can only control yourself, you can't control this other woman. My gut from reading what you've said..All this is trouble in the long run for your marriage and what you feel for your wife. IT IS going cause problems, I can guarantee it. Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Whats YOUR intention? What do you expect of this? You can only control yourself, you can't control this other woman. My gut from reading what you've said..All this is trouble in the long run for your marriage and what you feel for your wife. IT IS going cause problems, I can guarantee it. At the end of the day, it just depends on how much potential drama that OP wants to introduce into his life. If you feel that you have to dance along the slippery slope...go and do it. Just don't act surprised if you end up falling off and dragging a lot of people down with you. Edit: You know, I read one of your old posts out of boredom OP, seems like you have a history of getting into this sh*t doesn't it? Edited June 7, 2011 by OldOnTheInside Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am just curious how you would feel if your wife was doing the same things behind your back as well? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) Dude.... its been 15 years and it reads like you two were simply good friends. OK you're excited to see someone again you were close with in a past life...understandable. You're a grown man...I dont see anything wrong in meeting up with an old friend. I dont know... many here are saying "dont go, dont go..." and I dont get why.... its been so long and all you have been doing thus far is communicating over text. Did she imply that when you get together she is going to jump your bones? I didnt read that anywhere but maybe I missed it. IMHO theres too much of the "infidelity boogieman" running around here. If people feel that they have to run from potential infidelity at every turn....you'll be running from anything that isnt rated F for family. But hey I guess some are attracted to the Disney life. Go meet your friend and use your head Edited June 7, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 I am just curious how you would feel if your wife was doing the same things behind your back as well? You are correct, I'd be ticked off too of course. I just found out, my wife has blocked me seeing her FB Wall posts! LOL! Sheeze..maybe we're talking to others from our pasts and don't even know it. This girl just told me she's kept every letter I've written and every gift I've given but it's at her mom's house in some box. I have the same but it's in storage. I guess we're keeping these things out of spouses' views. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Dude.... its been 15 years and it reads like you two were simply good friends. OK you're excited to see someone again you were close with in a past life...understandable. You're a grown man...I dont see anything wrong in meeting up with an old friend. I dont know... many here are saying "dont go, dont go..." and I dont get why.... its been so long and all you have been doing thus far is communicating over text. Did she imply that when you get together she is going to jump your bones? I didnt read that anywhere but maybe I missed it. IMHO theres too much of the "infidelity boogieman" running around here. If people feel that they have to run from potential infidelity at every turn....you'll be running from anything that isnt rated F for family. But hey I guess some are attracted to the Disney life. Go meet your friend and use your head See I agree here..maybe I am blowing it out of proportion! No, she didn't say we're going to have to find a Motel 6 after we down a few drinks! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 At the end of the day, it just depends on how much potential drama that OP wants to introduce into his life. If you feel that you have to dance along the slippery slope...go and do it. Just don't act surprised if you end up falling off and dragging a lot of people down with you. Edit: You know, I read one of your old posts out of boredom OP, seems like you have a history of getting into this sh*t doesn't it? Not really..that was just an office attraction. Nothing happened there and probably nothing will happen here either. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 See I agree here..maybe I am blowing it out of proportion! No, she didn't say we're going to have to find a Motel 6 after we down a few drinks! ...and even if she does oddly enough say something like that....if you dont want to partake....dont partake. You make your own choices...nobody else does it for you...not her, not your neighbor, even your wife shouldnt be doing that Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Not really..that was just an office attraction. Nothing happened there and probably nothing will happen here either. Then go see her and prove the naysayers wrong... ...or right. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Then go see her and prove the naysayers wrong... ...or right. weather the naysayers are wrong or right is really neither here nor there.... Hes the master of his own destiny Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 See I agree here..maybe I am blowing it out of proportion! No, she didn't say we're going to have to find a Motel 6 after we down a few drinks! No, but you did have a big crush on her then, and you already suspect you are developing feelings for her now.... If you want to protect your marriage, this is where boundaries come in. You "water" relationships that you want to "grow". If you are already developing feelings for her, spending time with her is "watering". Your wife has blocked you on facebook? What the heck is going on in your marriage? She's blocking you, you are thinking of this old flame....time for a tune up if you want this marriage to last another 10k miles! Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 weather the naysayers are wrong or right is really neither here nor there.... Hes the master of his own destiny He certainly is... You know what, it sounds like you've made your choice OP. So find out how much self control you really have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 No, but you did have a big crush on her then, and you already suspect you are developing feelings for her now.... If you want to protect your marriage, this is where boundaries come in. You "water" relationships that you want to "grow". If you are already developing feelings for her, spending time with her is "watering". Your wife has blocked you on facebook? What the heck is going on in your marriage? She's blocking you, you are thinking of this old flame....time for a tune up if you want this marriage to last another 10k miles! Well she hasn't totally blocked me, but I only see where she posts anything about me or the kids. I noticed the other day looking over her shoulder, there were a myriad of posts from other people. She has been acting a little off base lately but she is so damn intuitive, I chalked it up to me. Man...this is so crazy. We seemed fine just a few months ago! Link to post Share on other sites
OldOnTheInside Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well she hasn't totally blocked me, but I only see where she posts anything about me or the kids. I noticed the other day looking over her shoulder, there were a myriad of posts from other people. She has been acting a little off base lately but she is so damn intuitive, I chalked it up to me. Man...this is so crazy. We seemed fine just a few months ago! Everything's not so perfect in paradise? Perhaps you should start there first OP. Priorities.... Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Well she hasn't totally blocked me, but I only see where she posts anything about me or the kids. I noticed the other day looking over her shoulder, there were a myriad of posts from other people. She has been acting a little off base lately but she is so damn intuitive, I chalked it up to me. Man...this is so crazy. We seemed fine just a few months ago! Are those other people your mutual fb friends? My H and I have open access to each other's pages, and I know that there are posts I can not see when I view his page as my "friend" rather than viewing his page directly. It is because those friends have set their privacy to "friends only"--and I am not their fb friend. It has nothing to do with my H's settings. Maybe that's it? Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Are those other people your mutual fb friends? My H and I have open access to each other's pages, and I know that there are posts I can not see when I view his page as my "friend" rather than viewing his page directly. It is because those friends have set their privacy to "friends only"--and I am not their fb friend. It has nothing to do with my H's settings. Maybe that's it? The only mutual friend we have is an old friend of mine who happens to be female. She went to our wedding even and, no, I've never felt an attraction to her. She's become a family friend really as I've known her since 1995. Yes she lives here in CO too. I used to see when her friends would post but now when I look, all I see are her posts. She had to change a setting somewhere, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts