Girl from 1994 haunting me!

[networkingman]

Everything's not so perfect in paradise?

 

Perhaps you should start there first OP.

 

Priorities....

 

I guess everything's not so peachy in paradise, you're correct. I never, ever would've thought in a billion years we would ever grow apart. I really mean that!

[OldOnTheInside]

The only mutual friend we have is an old friend of mine who happens to be female. She went to our wedding even and, no, I've never felt an attraction to her. She's become a family friend really as I've known her since 1995. Yes she lives here in CO too.

 

I used to see when her friends would post but now when I look, all I see are her posts. She had to change a setting somewhere, right?

 

Have you actually spoken to her about this?

 

What comes first: Old friend...or your wife?

 

Just make sure you know your priorities...

[networkingman]

Have you actually spoken to her about this?

 

What comes first: Old friend...or your wife?

 

Not yet, but I need to of course.

[OldOnTheInside]

Not yet, but I need to of course.

 

Well...there you go.

 

I'm just amazed at where this thread went.

[xxoo]

The only mutual friend we have is an old friend of mine who happens to be female. She went to our wedding even and, no, I've never felt an attraction to her. She's become a family friend really as I've known her since 1995. Yes she lives here in CO too.

 

I used to see when her friends would post but now when I look, all I see are her posts. She had to change a setting somewhere, right?

 

That does sound like a change she made. Unlikely all her friends made changes.

 

Definitely time to be focusing on the marriage, if that is your priority. Good luck!

[networkingman]

Well...there you go.

 

I'm just amazed at where this thread went.

 

Couldn't agree more! *SIGH* Seems like a big mess is coming. Plus we have this huge Orlando vacation planned next month. Just amazing all of this...

[Trimmer]

...Anyway, I am meeting with her tomorrow at a bar nearby. I told her I was a little nervous to see her again after all these years, and she thought that was SO cute! Oh and by the way, she is separating from her husband as we speak, not because of me of course, just weird timing I guess. I think I might be developing feelings fer her again after all this time. I don't know if it's that, or am I just in love with the idea of going back in time when I had a super crush on her back then. Maybe I am feeling like 24 again. Any advice would be helpful! Thanks for reading!

I agree with what the other posters are saying that you should involve your wife.

 

First of all, I think we need to use different terminology here. I don't like calling this situation "not telling" your wife, because it sounds like you are doing something passive, not taking action. I think we should call it "keeping this secret" from your wife, and I think you should think of it that way, too. As if you have actively decided and are carrying out behavioral choices to effect your chosen outcome. You are keeping this a secret from your wife.

 

The only rational explanation, the only real functional difference between telling your wife and keeping it a secret is that once you tell her, you will no longer have the option of keeping your "friend" a secret, and all the fantasy possibilities that this enables. Be honest, now.... You will come up with all kinds of other reasons (rationalizations), but take a good, honest look at yourself in the mirror: the only reason left standing after all the others erode away is that if you keep your friend a secret, you keep your options open. And really, none of those options are consistent with fidelity to your marriage, so if you go forward on that basis, you have already crossed a line.

 

You will work to convince yourself that "we haven't done anything", "we're just friends", "it's no big deal", and feigning innocence, "gee, there was nothing going on, so there was no reason to tell her." And all of these may be objectively true - technically true - but really you need to understand that what is really going on in your heart is that you want to keep your friend a secret, because you want to keep your options open. And in the context of your marriage and your family, that is wrong.

 

You know how sometimes people say "... if I ever do that, please put a bullet in my head" or "whack me with a stick" or whatever? Consider this a whack in the head (see what I did there? I mixed the two!) You need a wakeup call and you are hearing it here from a number of different posters, but it will take YOU to decide you need to take the action. You will need to be able to look at the path you might be heading down, and you will need to decide not to take ANY chance of going there.

 

Once again - and I repeat this over and over in the hope that it sinks in - you will make excuses. You will claim that you aren't doing anything by what you will perceive to be your inaction of not telling your wife. You will convince yourself that you aren't really headed down that path, so what's the big deal? Nothing has happened, so why worry your wife?

 

And indeed, there's some chance you might be able to do this and nothing will happen and you'll go back to your normal life.

 

But really now - you are already on the slippery slope, from Facebook to PM, to IM, to texting, to meeting at a bar, to.... All without ever mentioning it to your wife. You'll keep telling yourself that you haven't really crossed the line yet but you'll never discover, until too late, that there isn't ever one big, bright line with clear markings. It's not a journey across some threshold - it's just a steady descent. You're a frog and you're going to boil yourself without even realizing it.

 

And I wouldn't even care so very much, except that you have kids. Don't fool yourself that you can (or will, until it's too late) control this as you go down the slope. I won't test my credibility by saying that I can guarantee a bad outcome (and in your rationalizations, you will focus on that small possibility of a "good" outcome, whatever form that might take - maybe just a "not-bad" outcome is the best you can hope for...) but I can tell you that there is a good possibility - a strong possibility - of a bad outcome. And the level of bad we're talking about here is russian-roulette bad, like your wife could decide that whatever she eventually discovers is just completely unacceptable (which it is...) and not give you a second chance, and you all end up with a split up family, and your 3 kids to try to explain it to.

 

Do you have what it takes to really be honest with yourself about your motives in choosing to actively keep this secret? Consider this a whack to the head.

 

ETA: Wrote this over about 45 min, doing other stuff, and missed the last group of posts, but I think this still stands. Especially related to StoneCold's comment that you're an adult and you can meet up with an old friend, and you are master of your destiny, I still say: the only reason to keep that meeting a secret is to keep open your options to do something outside your marriage in the future. You can convince yourself that "this meeting doesn't mean you're going to do anything", but in keeping it a secret, you have decided not to rule out those future options. If you really don't need those options kept open, I challenge you to tell your wife, or even bring her along.

Edited June 7, 2011 by Trimmer

[OldOnTheInside]

Couldn't agree more! *SIGH* Seems like a big mess is coming. Plus we have this huge Orlando vacation planned next month. Just amazing all of this...

 

Yep.

 

All I'm saying is, make sure you have your priorities straight.

 

If your marriage is as shaky as you say...I don't think that chasing after old crushes (you basically said that you had "feelings" for her in your first post so let's not deny that something is up...) is in your best interests right now.

 

I dunno, you're in a pretty messy situation.

[networkingman]

I agree with what the other posters are saying that you should involve your wife.

 

First of all, I think we need to use different terminology here. I don't like calling this situation "not telling" your wife, because it sounds like you are doing something passive, not taking action. I think we should call it "keeping this secret" from your wife, and I think you should think of it that way, too. As if you have actively decided and are carrying out behavioral choices to effect your chosen outcome. You are keeping this a secret from your wife.

 

The only rational explanation, the only real functional difference between telling your wife and keeping it a secret is that once you tell her, you will no longer have the option of keeping your "friend" a secret, and all the fantasy possibilities that this enables. Be honest, now.... You will come up with all kinds of other reasons (rationalizations), but take a good, honest look at yourself in the mirror: the only reason left standing after all the others erode away is that if you keep your friend a secret, you keep your options open. And really, none of those options are consistent with fidelity to your marriage, so if you go forward on that basis, you have already crossed a line.

 

You will work to convince yourself that "we haven't done anything", "we're just friends", "it's no big deal", and feigning innocence, "gee, there was nothing going on, so there was no reason to tell her." And all of these may be objectively true - technically true - but really you need to understand that what is really going on in your heart is that you want to keep your friend a secret, because you want to keep your options open. And in the context of your marriage and your family, that is wrong.

 

You know how sometimes people say "... if I ever do that, please put a bullet in my head" or "whack me with a stick" or whatever? Consider this a whack in the head (see what I did there? I mixed the two!) You need a wakeup call and you are hearing it here from a number of different posters, but it will take YOU to decide you need to take the action. You will need to be able to look at the path you might be heading down, and you will need to decide not to take ANY chance of going there.

 

Once again - and I repeat this over and over in the hope that it sinks in - you will make excuses. You will claim that you aren't doing anything by what you will perceive to be your inaction of not telling your wife. You will convince yourself that you aren't really headed down that path, so what's the big deal? Nothing has happened, so why worry your wife?

 

And indeed, there's some chance you might be able to do this and nothing will happen and you'll go back to your normal life.

 

But really now - you are already on the slippery slope, from Facebook to PM, to IM, to texting, to meeting at a bar, to.... All without ever mentioning it to your wife. You'll keep telling yourself that you haven't really crossed the line yet but you'll never discover, until too late, that there isn't ever one big, bright line with clear markings. It's not a journey across some threshold - it's just a steady descent. You're a frog and you're going to boil yourself without even realizing it.

 

And I wouldn't even care so very much, except that you have kids. Don't fool yourself that you can (or will, until it's too late) control this as you go down the slope. I won't test my credibility by saying that I can guarantee a bad outcome (and in your rationalizations, you will focus on that small possibility of a "good" outcome, whatever form that might take - maybe just a "not-bad" outcome is the best you can hope for...) but I can tell you that there is a good possibility - a strong possibility - of a bad outcome. And the level of bad we're talking about here is russian-roulette bad, like your wife could decide that whatever she eventually discovers is just completely unacceptable (which it is...) and not give you a second chance, and you all end up with a split up family, and your 3 kids to try to explain it to.

 

Do you have what it takes to really be honest with yourself about your motives in choosing to actively keep this secret? Consider this a whack to the head.

 

ETA: Wrote this over about 45 min, doing other stuff, and missed the last group of posts, but I think this still stands. Especially related to StoneCold's comment that you're an adult and you can meet up with an old friend, and you are master of your destiny, I still say: the only reason to keep that meeting a secret is to keep open your options to do something outside your marriage in the future. You can convince yourself that "this meeting doesn't mean you're going to do anything", but in keeping it a secret, you have decided not to rule out those future options. If you really don't need those options kept open, I challenge you to tell your wife, or even bring her along.

 

Thank you for your insightful post! Of course I know all this and you are correct. Perhaps it's "fate" testing me to make the right decision. *SIGH*

[Steadfast]

I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up?

 

seems like you have a history of getting into this sh*t doesn't it?

 

Seriously? Dude, there's an old saying, don't bullsh*t a bull****ter. Are you intent on becoming a serial cheater, have massive self-esteem issues, or both? Women rarely hit up guys on FB...especially guys they've already dumped.

 

Better get cracking on that hook up...wifey is ahead and pulling away. One tip; whatever you did before, play it the opposite. With your marriage circling the drain, the least you can ask for is some quality panty time.

 

OldOnTheInside; good catch on the OP's history. It exposed him.

[whichwayisup]

Well, you and your wife both seem to be doing something questionable. Not saying she's cheating, but her hiding her wall from you IS suspicious.. Yet with that said, here you are, about to make a stupid mistake by going out for drinks with someone you had a connection with from your past. That's just asking for trouble and you know it too, otherwise you wouldn't be here posting.

 

Forget the other girl and focus on your wife. Woo her (your wife) and go to a nice dinner and have a romantic evening. drop the kids off at the grandparents for a night and reconnect with your wife.

 

Though you two DO have to talk about stuff going on in your marriage, each of you are taking the wrong path (I'm assuming with her just because of her fb situation) and it could lead to a lot of problems in your marriage.

[networkingman]

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

[Trimmer]

Yes, you do deserve the flaming for that. The statement may be true, but has NO bearing on your decision-making. You need to decide what is good and right for you, your family, your marriage - whatever is important to you - not based on the easy availability of other options, but on your own situation in your marriage, your own values, etc.

 

Her availability is not relevant to the decisions you need to make, and it is not an excuse or a rationalization for you to make a different decision than you would otherwise.

[OldOnTheInside]

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

 

At this point, does it really matter whose "fault" it is? Not really going to change anything.

 

Anyway, I think that you're intelligent enough to know what you have to do...

[Steadfast]

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

 

Right on all counts. Let her tango with someone who isn't married.

 

And speaking of that, answer this; do you love your wife? Are you in love with her? Like her? Mildly interested? It isn't cool to screw over even casual acquaintances, how can you justify doing it to the person you promised to love, honor and cherish? If you answered yes to any of the above, take your wife in your arms, dip her back and show her how you feel. Then, surprise her with a romantic getaway while remembering to give thanks for having someone that truly cares about you. You belong to her. Act like it.

 

Grow a brain. If it isn't too late.

[Fugu]

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

 

Just come out and say it: you're thinking of boinking this chick. When you look at her pictures, when you think about the summer of 1994, you get hard and you probably masturbate thinking about her. It's okay, though, we're a supportive community. We'll help you get through this.

 

Just don't f*ck her fer chrissake. Fantasize about her all you want, but don't meet up with her.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

If only you could push a single button and cancel your involvement with this old flame.

 

The best way to protect your future is not to reverse into your past.

[networkingman]

If only you could push a single button and cancel your involvement with this old flame.

 

The best way to protect your future is not to reverse into your past.

 

Thank you and I couldn't agree more!

[whichwayisup]

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

 

Yes you're right. But you know you're married and could easily say no. OR, tell her you'd like to bring your wife so you two could meet. OR, invite her to your house for dinner, ask her to bring her husband/boyfriend/kids (if she is married as well and has kids).. Noone is holding a gun to your head with this.

It's a simple choice to make, either you go and tell your wife and/or bring her too, GO and not tell your wife, not go and still let your wife know, or just say nothing to her and not go.

 

Whatever your wife is up to, doesn't justify you going off and sniffing around another woman for attention/ego feed or to see if the connection is still there. No good can come of this and it certainly won't help your marriage.

 

Please think things through before you leap.

[StoneCold]

Still think you are blowing this out of proportion...

 

what does you wife/marriage have to do with meeting an old friend?

[Trimmer]

Still think you are blowing this out of proportion...

 

what does you wife/marriage have to do with meeting an old friend?

It's his situation. and even he seems to admit to the potential danger he's about to expose himself to, and that's based upon his knowledge of his own rekindled feelings, etc.

 

If it's as simple and completely innocent as you suggest, then he should have no trouble sharing his newly reestablished friendship with his wife, or even inviting her along to introduce them to each other. Doesn't his unwillingness to do that tell you anything?

[YellowShark]

I found this same girl on Facebook.

Good old Facebook strikes again. I've taken so much heat on this message board over my dislike of Facebook and yet this is the very reason why I dislike it. You would have never reconnectd with an old flame had Facebook not made it so easy to do so.

In all fairness, not liking FB because it can lead to affairs is like not liking guns because people get shot. People will do what they want to do anyway they can...

I just found out, my wife has blocked me seeing her FB Wall posts! LOL! Sheeze..maybe we're talking to others from our pasts and don't even know it.

 

 

Ahhh... good old Facebook strikes again. First it gave networkingman a quick and easy conduit to reconnect with an old flame from 17 years ago, and now it's driving yet another wedge into networkingman's marriage because it turns out that networkingman's wife has blocked him from "seeing her wall."

 

Nope, Facebook isn't a relationship killer... not at all.

 

IMHO had there been no Facebook involved networkingman would not have found an old flame from 17 years ago, and his wife would not be hiding crap on it she doesn't want him to see.

 

But don't listen to me, what the hell do I know anyways! And how dare I say a bad word against Facebook.. why that's a thoughtcrime! Damn the torpedoes networkingman, use Facebook to your hearts content and start reconnecting with all your old flames on it, and continue to let your wife keep secrets from you on it. It's not affecting your marriage one bit!

Edited June 7, 2011 by YellowShark

[Snowflower]

Aaarrgghh, I wasn't going to comment on this thread-too upsetting-but heck, I feel compelled to since you are from CO...at least those jokes about if G*d had meant for Texans to ski they would have made bullpoo white--won't apply to you!

 

All kidding aside, I think you know, deep down, that you are headed into dangerous territory.

 

A couple of thoughts...

 

I am wondering if I am just blowing it all out of proportion though? We never really "dated" in the traditional sense but I really liked her back then. I don't even know what this is all about. Maybe she thinks it's just a get together to catch up?

 

No, you're not blowing it out of proportion. Rather, you're not taking it seriously enough.

 

It doesn't matter if you had had a full out BF/GF relationship with her back in 1994...what matters is now.

 

I think this is one of those cases of pining "for the one who got away." And perhaps pining for those more carefree times before kids, mortgage, responsibilities...

 

Thank you for your insightful post! Of course I know all this and you are correct. Perhaps it's "fate" testing me to make the right decision. *SIGH*

 

Yes!

 

Keep reading your post here over and over again...until it sinks in!

 

Ok I know I deserve the flaming here but it takes two to tango. She knows I am married and is wanting to go to a bar with me.

 

Who cares if it takes two to tango? Who cares what she is doing? Just because she wants to go to a bar with you, it doesn't mean you have to go!

 

I don't understand this rationalization at all--because that is what you are doing---rationalizing your actions.

 

Like my dear old dad used to say, the moment you have to rationalize what you are doing--you are probably not doing what you know should be.

 

Don't do this. 1994 is long gone...you can never go back there-nor should you want to. If you do try to revisit this...I think you will lose all that you have in 2011.

 

My .02 since I think you are h*ll-bent on doing this anyway.

[xxoo]

Still think you are blowing this out of proportion...

 

what does you wife/marriage have to do with meeting an old friend?

 

A lot, if you keep the meeting secret from your wife, and you have "feelings" for the old friend.

 

You can still see old friends! But meeting in a bar--just the two of them--after conversations about their boxes of saved stuff, and how "cute" it is that he is nervous or whatever....this is sounding a lot like a date to me When I meet up with old friends, it looks very different, and my husband comes along

[StoneCold]

A lot, if you keep the meeting secret from your wife, and you have "feelings" for the old friend.

 

You can still see old friends! But meeting in a bar--just the two of them--after conversations about their boxes of saved stuff, and how "cute" it is that he is nervous or whatever....this is sounding a lot like a date to me When I meet up with old friends, it looks very different, and my husband comes along

 

 

If he feels like he couldnt say where hes going and who hes hanging with IF asked.... I can understand that.

 

But why does he have to go out of his way to clear every move he makes to his wife to begin with? Hes a grown man and he has to ask for permission to see a friend? or he has to bring her along everywhere he goes?