Snowflower Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I used to see when her friends would post but now when I look, all I see are her posts. She had to change a setting somewhere, right? Instead of assuming things about your wife and her FB activity, why don't you just ask her? I read an article fairly recently about FB (and keeping your kids/teens safe while using it) and FB does regular updates that sometimes affect privacy settings. Meaning, that the settings you think you have established may have changed without realizing it. Anyway, it was recommended that you check your FB settings at least once a month to make sure they are where you want them. Just sayin' It also seems to me that you are using your wife's possibly questionable FB activity to further justify (there's that word again) your own actions. Something tells me if Miss-Dreamgirl-1994 wasn't on the scene, you would be a lot more upset about your wife's FB privacy settings. Instead, you are using this as further fuel to justify your actions. Just something to think about. Talk to your wife about all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 If he feels like he couldnt say where hes going and who hes hanging with IF asked.... I can understand that. But why does he have to go out of his way to clear every move he makes to his wife to begin with? Hes a grown man and he has to ask for permission to see a friend? or he has to bring her along everywhere he goes? SC, I know you are sensitive about feeling controlled. But it isn't about control. It isn't about having to ask permission. It is aobut wanting a close relationship with your partner, and learning how to achieve that. Having a rewarding intimate relationship does inherently require giving up some independence. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You know what you're thinking about doing. You know it's wrong. Why else would you have gone to the trouble of posting here? Were you hoping for a big round of "Hell Yes! Nail the Bish!" or something? Sounds like your mind is made up. I'm hearing nothing but rationalizing and excuses from you, so is anything anyone says here really going to make any difference? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Wow... it just donned on me I must say I'm surprised and not surprised all rolled up into one... I'm reading this thread and it is full of people running the other way and touting fear of the "infdelity boogeyman"....the people that are saying "dont go its an infidelity lure..." are the same people in other threads that say "I would NEVER cheat"...hmmm hmm... how pre-tell are you so sure that you would "never" cheat if you always run from the slightest inkling of a semblance of temptation? Clearly you dont trust yourself...How long do you think you can keep running before you have to face up to it? You cant keep running from this stuff... you either manage it or give into it...but the choice is yours and yours only. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 hmm... how pre-tell are you so sure that you would "never" cheat if you always run from the slightest inkling of a semblance of temptation? That's EXACTLY how I managed to never cheat. Duh? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 SC, I know you are sensitive about feeling controlled. But it isn't about control. It isn't about having to ask permission. It is aobut wanting a close relationship with your partner, and learning how to achieve that. . How can you have a "close" and "trusting" relationship with your partner if you feel like you have to pass everything with her/him....methinks there is no "closeness" and real "trust" if you have to do this....you cant build the mansion on sand. Having a rewarding intimate relationship does inherently require giving up some independence. Some? yes....but not all Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 (edited) That's EXACTLY how I managed to never cheat. Duh? until it catches up with you or blind sides you.... what then? see you dont know do you? and thats my point... what qualifies you to make such hard and fast statements when you havent even stood up to it. Thats like saying "I can take the school bully".... but you're nowhere to be found at 3:15pm Edited June 7, 2011 by StoneCold Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 until it catches up with you or blind sides you.... what then? see you dont know do you That's just silly. I never allowed myself to be in a position where I could cheat, therefore I never cheated. Blindsided? I'm not some beast in the field, I'm a man, I have a mind, I have a will. We are not all ruled by our genitals. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Thats like saying "I can take the school bully".... but you're nowhere to be found at 3:15pm That's not even close to the same thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 hello original poster, no offence intended, but you soud like you are making excuses and rationalizing your behavior. Why don't you stop the denials ( especially to yourself) that this is all just "innocent reconnecting with an old "friend" Tkae a look at all the evidence before you: (a) you say that you both have saved everything you ever gave to one another, and that you hide this from you spouse. why do you hide it? I'm not saying that you need to shove it in her face and say "here, look at this", but you are actively hiding it from her. why? also, and maybe I am in the minority here, but why did you save all this stuff anyway? i have had guy frends over the years, and i didn't feel the need to keep ( or hide from my spouse) anything they gave me (b) even if this meeting is purely innocent on your side, what about hers? you say she is in the process of separating from her husband? maybe she wants to get together with you to go back to her past and re-start something. who knows? © how did you feel about your wife and your marriage before this lady and you started texting one another and she suggested that you meet up with her? did you suddenly notice flaws in your marraige that you didn't see before and are there things she does that didn't used to bother you but now they do? I am asking because time after time I have heard men/women who meet someone or reconnect with someone who they want to sleep around with, and to justify their actions ( to others and themselves) they start finding flaws with their spouses that didn't used to boher them before I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but you really do need to evaluate why you want to meet with this woman and why you don't want your wife to know about it. Thanks for your questions and comments. I'll try to answer your points. As for: (a) About saving the stuff. Ok, I'm going to give an answer that's going to sound like a "cop out"...but I really don't know why I have. It is in a box in storage that my wife could easily access so I'm not exactly hiding it. She could've seen them because it's mixed in from old school stuff. Maybe it's hiding in plain sight? Now as for why she saved it, I was actually very surprised she did too. I wouldn't know why she would save it all. (b) Her intentions. Yes, she told me she is separating from her husband. She even texted me last week letting me know she's looking at a townhome. She only mentioned it because, like an idiot, I felt the need to text her to say hi. I do wonder if she just likes the idea of going back in time again before the kids, mortgages, jobs, responsibilities. I know that's part of the allure for me also, however misguided this really is. © I felt like our marriage was fine...not spectacular but fine. Yes, I am now "finding flaws" that I didn't before and yes, things are bugging me that never bothered me before. No, I don't get you are trying to give me a hard time at all. I actually appreciate your post since it's devoid of attacks and it really succinctly pointed out things I probably already know but needed to hear from someone. Thanks again! Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I'm not some beast in the field, I'm a man, I have a mind, I have a will. We are not all ruled by our genitals. So then what are you running from? You contradict yourself... Link to post Share on other sites
John Michael Kane Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 So then what are you running from? You contradict yourself... He's confused. Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 So then what are you running from? You contradict yourself... No, I don't, and pardon me while I refuse to continue participating in your threadjack. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Aaarrgghh, I wasn't going to comment on this thread-too upsetting-but heck, I feel compelled to since you are from CO...at least those jokes about if G*d had meant for Texans to ski they would have made bullpoo white--won't apply to you! Who cares if it takes two to tango? Who cares what she is doing? Just because she wants to go to a bar with you, it doesn't mean you have to go! I don't understand this rationalization at all--because that is what you are doing---rationalizing your actions. For the first part, I went to HS in TX, so this gave me a chuckle. Thanks for the much needed humor here. As for the second part...I don't understand the rationalization either. I'm trying to figure this part out. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 No, I don't, and pardon me while I refuse to continue participating in your threadjack. Hey I was just making an observation... you're the one that tried to take me to task on it. anyways... back to the topic at hand Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 How can you have a "close" and "trusting" relationship with your partner if you feel like you have to pass everything with her/him....methinks there is no "closeness" and real "trust" if you have to do this....you cant build the mansion on sand. You insert "have to" where I feel "want to". On the most surface level, anytime something interesting happens in my day (certainly including hearing from an old friend), I think "can't wait to tell H about that!" And there are deeper levels of wanting to stay connected, too, of course. It takes far more closeness and trust to really open up than it does to keep things to yourself. Network--you've texted the old flame this morning. Have you talked to your wife yet? Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You insert "have to" where I feel "want to". On the most surface level, anytime something interesting happens in my day (certainly including hearing from an old friend), I think "can't wait to tell H about that!" And there are deeper levels of wanting to stay connected, too, of course. ok..but thats you...more power to you if thats what you are like So if I understand this correctly...because he doesnt want to tell his wife means unequivocally that this is fishy? See this is where you lose me... some people just arent the type to tell their spouse everything...doesnt mean they are up to anything...they just see things differently. But like I said... if he feels like he has to go out of his way to not tell her....thats a different story. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 You insert "have to" where I feel "want to". On the most surface level, anytime something interesting happens in my day (certainly including hearing from an old friend), I think "can't wait to tell H about that!" And there are deeper levels of wanting to stay connected, too, of course. It takes far more closeness and trust to really open up than it does to keep things to yourself. Network--you've texted the old flame this morning. Have you talked to your wife yet? No texts from the old flame yet..I'm sure she will IM me soon. Yes, been chatting with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 ok..but thats you...more power to you if thats what you are like So if I understand this correctly...because he doesnt want to tell his wife means unequivocally that this is fishy? See this is where you lose me... some people just arent the type to tell their spouse everything...doesnt mean they are up to anything...they just see things differently. But like I said... if he feels like he has to go out of his way to not tell her....thats a different story. It is fishy because he would be upset if his wife did the same: I am just curious how you would feel if your wife was doing the same things behind your back as well? You are correct, I'd be ticked off too of course. I just found out, my wife has blocked me seeing her FB Wall posts! LOL! Sheeze..maybe we're talking to others from our pasts and don't even know it. This girl just told me she's kept every letter I've written and every gift I've given but it's at her mom's house in some box. I have the same but it's in storage. I guess we're keeping these things out of spouses' views. Read the rest of that quote, too, about the boxes of stuff they both kept. This is sooo a date! YES, you MUST tell your spouse when you plan to go out on a date with another person! OP--why don't you WANT to tell your wife about the meeting? What is the downside of having a "Guess who I just heard from!" conversation? Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 What is the downside of having a "Guess who I just heard from!" conversation? Oh that's easy. Wife might refuse to let him go bang her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Oh that's easy. Wife might refuse to let him go bang her. Come on now..no banging is going to happen! Link to post Share on other sites
Author networkingman Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 It is fishy because he would be upset if his wife did the same: Read the rest of that quote, too, about the boxes of stuff they both kept. This is sooo a date! YES, you MUST tell your spouse when you plan to go out on a date with another person! OP--why don't you WANT to tell your wife about the meeting? What is the downside of having a "Guess who I just heard from!" conversation? I don't know if it's a "date". So we kept each others' stuff for 17 years..nothing out of the ordinary here right? (Yes, I am being sarcastic.) Ok maybe she just keeps stuff from her past and has boxes of things from old boyfriends. I'm a bit of a pack rat too! Maybe she is as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Networkman, on a purely statistical level for fun, what are the chances that your wife would be upset about your hiding this rekindled friendship from her? What are the chances that your wife would be upset that you were having a date in a bar with a rekindled friend and were hiding it from her? Give me a number figure - i.e. there is a 50% chance she will be hurt by the rekindingling; there is a 80% chance she will be furious by lunch., etc.) (These are serious questions; I can't really answer until I think about this.) Link to post Share on other sites
reboot Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You can't even be honest with yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I don't know if it's a "date". So we kept each others' stuff for 17 years..nothing out of the ordinary here right? (Yes, I am being sarcastic.) Ok maybe she just keeps stuff from her past and has boxes of things from old boyfriends. I'm a bit of a pack rat too! Maybe she is as well? all possiblities, I just think its a little pre emptive to call meeting a person you havent seen in 15 years a "date"...it could verywell escalate there but it takes two to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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