Girl from 1994 haunting me!

[Owl]

3. Because she's insanely jealous.

 

And it doesn't occur to you that meeting up with an old office romance with whom you've been communicating with on the sly for drinks would possibly demonstrate that she's apparently got REASON for being jealous???

 

She's got every reason to be jealous if you find this in any way ok.

 

You try to make her to sound like some kind of crazy woman...but at the same time you're engaging in behavior that demonstrates a good reason for her to act the way she is.

 

Even you have to take a moment to stop and laugh at yourself in this...c'mon!

[UnsureinSeattle]

Pretty easy- stop talking to her before it gets out of hand. You're doing your wife a GREAT disservice, and you need to stop before it becomes worse.

[reboot]

He's already rewriting their history.

[Lucky_One]

I hear what you are saying but money is really not all that important to me. I've been broke, and I've seen millions flow through my business. I can rebuild so that's not the main concern here. It's the other drama associated with it. Sometimes I think of us divorced and for some reason it doesn't really bother me all that much. I don't even know why. Sure when I think of my wife and the good times we've had, it breaks my heart, I'm not devoid if emotion. I really don't know what is going on with me. I honestly don't!

 

Good. Glad that money isn't important to you. So when push comes to shove, you won't mind give your wife and kids 75% of your assets, plus a generous amount of child and spousal support. Granted, your second wife might get pretty ticked when you stroke that check every month, and when you can't afford to take her out for drinks.

 

Geez man. You truly are delusional right now.

[John Michael Kane]

Good. Glad that money isn't important to you. So when push comes to shove, you won't mind give your wife and kids 75% of your assets, plus a generous amount of child and spousal support. Granted, your second wife might get pretty ticked when you stroke that check every month, and when you can't afford to take her out for drinks.

 

Geez man. You truly are delusional right now.

 

Exactly. All for some other married woman with problems of her own, who you haven't seen in almost 20 years.

[reboot]

Not enough blood to operate both heads syndrome.

[Mme. Chaucer]

1. Good news is I am on the fence about this. I am hoping to fall off and not go. I haven't texted or IM'd her and she hasn't tried to contact me as of yet but of course it's only 9:35am here.

 

Arrrgh. This kind of talk angers me.

 

You are not going to "fall off the fence" and therefore not go. You are going to make an active decision one way or the other.

 

A person in a committed relationship is responsible for the health of that relationship, which includes NOT putting oneself in positions that are clearly threatening to that relationship.

 

Own your own choices, please.

 

I know it's not proper LS etiquette to bring up past threads, but http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=114130

 

If you weren't a member here since 2007, I would think that perhaps you were doing research.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t276690/

[networkingman]

i hope that you do decide to talk with your wife about the things that are bothering you.

 

i hope that you don't start to confide in your "friend" about them.

 

that's how a lot of affairs get started... you start talking with your opposite sex friend about relatively minor problems in your marriage ( things that have the potiential to be adressed and changed) ... sometimes that is okay, but all too often it leads to more and more. you begin to develop an emotional connection to them that is no longer platonic and it can be very hard to stop

 

that's how my husband's affair started...got a facebook friend request from a woman he worked(s) with and then got an email from her saying she had a problem and that she wanted to talk with him about it. seemed innocent enough...but soon they were facebook chatting everyday and she would ask him questions about our marriage...that's when he started noticing things about our marriage and me that bothred him ( he had never mentioned them to me ) ...she kept asking and "sympathizing" with him about how "awful it was for him at home" and that was it...they started seeing each other ( I am oversimplifyig here, but that's summary of what happened)

seems pretty typical for a lot of affairs...they start out inncently enough, but you may soon find yourself in over your head

 

please don't do that

 

Thank you FS..and thank you again for your civility. It's easy to want to BBQ the "wrongdoer" and I certainly understand that. You're exactly right, it starts out innocent enough and grows from there. We are all human so if someone is filling some sort of perceived void, then that's how it becomes overwhelming.

[John Michael Kane]

Thank you FS..and thank you again for your civility. It's easy to want to BBQ the "wrongdoer" and I certainly understand that. You're exactly right, it starts out innocent enough and grows from there. We are all human so if someone is filling some sort of perceived void, then that's how it becomes overwhelming.

 

I take it this guy won't be honest to his wife and family about the covert operations he's been running with his old flame.

[networkingman]

No texts, no IM's from her or from me to her all day. We are supposed to meet tonight. Throw in the butt beating I am getting here, it's actually helping a lot. Maybe I can just let the time come and go....

[John Michael Kane]

No texts, no IM's from her or from me to her all day. We are supposed to meet tonight. Throw in the butt beating I am getting here, it's actually helping a lot. Maybe I can just let the time come and go....

 

You're not getting a butt beating here. We're just suggesting you be honest your wife, your family, and yourself.

[xxoo]

No texts, no IM's from her or from me to her all day. We are supposed to meet tonight. Throw in the butt beating I am getting here, it's actually helping a lot. Maybe I can just let the time come and go....

 

If you think she's "haunting" you now, consider how badly the woman from 2011 could haunt you if things get out of control. She's already showing some questionable judgment. Be smart!

[Mimolicious]

I have a strong feeling that you will be on these boards for a liiiiitttlleeee while.

 

Congrats! You are one step closer to starting an A. Eventually this chick from 1994 will make you realize how "dull" and "miserable" your M is because she is all your W is not, plus let's not forget "amazing".

 

Please, if you want to know if this is going to be a positive thing to do, ask your W if she is ok with it. Oh, wait! Your W probably doesn't even know that you are in touch and meeting this chick.

[Mimolicious]

Not really..that was just an office attraction. Nothing happened there and probably nothing will happen here either.

 

 

But

 

This girl just told me she's kept every letter I've written and every gift I've given but it's at her mom's house in some box. I have the same but it's in storage. I guess we're keeping these things out of spouses' views.

 

So you were giving her gifts and sending her letters and it was "nothing"?

[whichwayisup]

Thank you FS..and thank you again for your civility. It's easy to want to BBQ the "wrongdoer" and I certainly understand that. You're exactly right, it starts out innocent enough and grows from there. We are all human so if someone is filling some sort of perceived void, then that's how it becomes overwhelming.

 

Actually all my responses to you have been respectful and what I've said (I'm hoping) has made you stop and think, but you haven't acknowledged anything that I've said to you on your thread.

 

No texts, no IM's from her or from me to her all day. We are supposed to meet tonight. Throw in the butt beating I am getting here, it's actually helping a lot. Maybe I can just let the time come and go....

]

 

Good. I hope you find it in your when she does contact you at some point today to tell her,"I've been thinking and sorry, no offense, but I've changed my mind about meeting you tonight. I'm married and don't think it's wise for me to go, it wouldn't be right and I don't think my wife would be too pleased either." Or something along those lines.

[Mimolicious]

No texts from the old flame yet..I'm sure she will IM me soon. Yes, been chatting with my wife.

 

 

How nobel! While you patiently anticipate a text from your future boo...

 

Since I am Ms.Mimo not Cleo of LS, you will end up with nothing. You watch.

[Mme. Chaucer]

 

Maybe I can just let the time come and go....

 

Way to be completely passive! This way, you can congratulate yourself heartily if this time does come and go - while at the same time, keeping the door open for other opportunities! Which, given your level of correspondence and evident mutual interest, will happen.

 

As opposed to

 

a) telling your wife that you are interested in catching up with an old flame of yours and inviting her to come to the rendezvous

 

or,

 

b) telling the old flame that it's not appropriate for you to be corresponding with her and meeting with her behind your wife's back, so you won't be doing either. And then, NOT doing either.

 

And, in both a & b, addressing your marital problems and concerns ... with your wife.

[Mimolicious]

Actually all my responses to you have been respectful and what I've said (I'm hoping) has made you stop and think, but you haven't acknowledged anything that I've said to you on your thread.

 

]

 

Good. I hope you find it in your when she does contact you at some point today to tell her,"I've been thinking and sorry, no offense, but I've changed my mind about meeting you tonight. I'm married and don't think it's wise for me to go, it wouldn't be right and I don't think my wife would be too pleased either." Or something along those lines.

 

 

You know... I wonder who Network really is. He has ignored every single post of yours WW.

 

In reality, this dude should just pack his bags and go find himself. He obviously doesn't seem to really be into his M much. OP, if you want to find out if the grass is greener, be ready to pay a higher water bill. I think we see it all over the place, men who act like this end up with nothing. Go google it. GOOD LUCK!

[networkingman]

But

 

 

 

So you were giving her gifts and sending her letters and it was "nothing"?

 

Yep!! We never were physical..only a hug and a kiss on the cheek at most.

[Trimmer]

until it catches up with you or blind sides you.... what then? see you dont know do you?

 

and thats my point... what qualifies you to make such hard and fast statements when you havent even stood up to it.

The human ability to learn from others' mistakes. I haven't had to stick my hand in a fire recently, to prove to myself that it's important not to stick my hand in the fire. I haven't had to stand at the edge of a high roof to prove to myself that I can avoid jumping off. Maybe I'm just not macho...

 

Thats like saying "I can take the school bully".... but you're nowhere to be found at 3:15pm

That's a BS analogy. We're talking about the ability to avoid a particular negative situation, not the ability to prove your macho by putting yourself into that situation and withstanding it. So it's more like saying "I'm not going to get in any fights" and avoiding the bully altogether.

 

My wife is the insanely jealous type! I mean..INSANE! This is part of the reason I feel like I can't say anything because she will just come unglued and blow it all way out of proportion.

Ah, this seems like a bit of a shift in the story, but OK. Then here we go - this will become an awesomely useful tool in your rationalization toolbox. Wow - keeping secret virtually anything that happens from here on out is now justifiable on these grounds. Essentially, "I didn't tell you about this thing I did wrong, because you'd be mad that it was wrong..."

 

I hear what you are saying but money is really not all that important to me. I've been broke, and I've seen millions flow through my business. I can rebuild so that's not the main concern here. It's the other drama associated with it. Sometimes I think of us divorced and for some reason it doesn't really bother me all that much. I don't even know why. Sure when I think of my wife and the good times we've had, it breaks my heart, I'm not devoid if emotion. I really don't know what is going on with me. I honestly don't!

Well, I think this is fundamental to your overall situation. You have become ambivalent about your marriage.

 

We have all been going on here as if your marriage had some value that might be worth protecting, as if you might otherwise value it, but that you were just temporarily blinded by this fantasy from the past.

 

But it turns out that you are already ambivalent. You speak of your marriage like a business deal that might fall through, but oh well - you'll just rebuild.

 

So really, the primary "carrot" that I thought might wake you up - "Hey, you might damage your marriage!!!" - really doesn't mean anything to you.

 

All you care about is minimizing the drama, but other than that, it sounds like there's little else you do care about.

 

I was going to go down a discussion path the led from StoneCold's comment here:

If he feels like he couldnt say where hes going and who hes hanging with IF asked.... I can understand that.

...and press you on what you would do if your wife asked, but now I've become somewhat ambivalent, too. I think you have deeper problems than whether to go meet an old "friend" or not. Now I think that's just a distraction from the ambivalence you feel about your marriage.

 

By the way, how old are your kids? How do you think all of this will affect them? I think that's the only part of your story I'm not ambivalent about at this point.

Edited June 7, 2011 by Trimmer
can't believe I used the wrong "affect/effect" ! ! !

[Ms. Joolie]

I'm unclear, and maybe you are, as whether this woman friend of yours is a romantic interest or a friend to you now. You MUST be honest to yourself about how you expect to show up tonight - as looking for that old flame or being a friend.

 

Because these are possibly two different issues at hand here, imo. If you are looking for that flame, you are seeking a romantic thrill outside your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble!

 

If you are going as a friend and you leave as friend, the issue is more about you having female friends inside your marriage. You said your wife gets very jealous. There's definitely more than meets the eye here, too.

 

 

So is this more an issue of your marriage being in trouble or of your wife's jealously over you having female friends?

[John Michael Kane]

I'm unclear, and maybe you are, as whether this woman friend of yours is a romantic interest or a friend to you now. You MUST be honest to yourself about how you expect to show up tonight - as looking for that old flame or being a friend.

 

Because these are possibly two different issues at hand here, imo. If you are looking for that flame, you are seeking a romantic thrill outside your marriage. Your marriage is in trouble!

 

If you are going as a friend and you leave as friend, the issue is more about you having female friends inside your marriage. You said your wife gets very jealous. There's definitely more than meets the eye here, too.

 

 

So is this more an issue of your marriage being in trouble or of your wife's jealously over you having female friends?

 

He's already in an emotional affair with a married woman. If he goes, knowing that the possibility of sex will happen, he'd just be piling on more damage to his marriage.

[PortuguesePrincess80]

You know... I wonder who Network really is. He has ignored every single post of yours WW.

 

In reality, this dude should just pack his bags and go find himself. He obviously doesn't seem to really be into his M much. OP, if you want to find out if the grass is greener, be ready to pay a higher water bill. I think we see it all over the place, men who act like this end up with nothing. Go google it. GOOD LUCK!

 

 

I agree with this too. He picks and chooses what threads to reply and anyone who mentions his wife and giving her the option if she wants to invest her time on him he avoids.

 

I say go...go cheat and when things are so awesome with this tramp and your wife finds out...don't come back here looking for sympathy...cause I bet you no one will even bother replying to your "I screwed up" thread!

[StoneCold]

Yeah..and maybe being married to you is the reason she is the way she is!

 

 

uh oh.... the "justification" argument swings the other way......the sky is falling...what are we to do?

[Snowflower]

Thank you FS..and thank you again for your civility. It's easy to want to BBQ the "wrongdoer" and I certainly understand that. You're exactly right, it starts out innocent enough and grows from there. We are all human so if someone is filling some sort of perceived void, then that's how it becomes overwhelming.

 

Hey networking, the number of the responses might seem overwhelming here.

 

But even those BBQ posts often have a grain of truth in them. If some are over-the-top cruel then report them or just ignore. Some posters you will identify with and some you won't.

 

People, let's not bash this guy to the point he doesn't come back here! That will not help him or his marriage/wife.

 

Anyway, I hope some of the responses here are helping you through this thought process...

 

I see justification written all over your responses. But wait, I will stop the BBQ right there because I also read your responses which show you as a guy who is quite self-aware and introspective.

 

It is that introspective guy who, if he allows this "friendship" to continue, will wake up one day when all the damage has been done and think, "why did I do this, when I knew better!?"

 

I have faith in you...and so does your wife most likely.