pessimistic

[DontWorryBHappy]

I suppose at the moment I have a pessimistic view toward life. I grew up with emotional issues that I still deal with. Mostly just the fact that I'm unable to live up to the unrealistic perfectionist expectations that I hold so highly, like a piece of cheese dangling in front of a cat. But then there's also the other stuff of life that so often seems to crumble around us. Our exes break up with us sometimes without warning or for reasons that dont make sense to us. Mine broke up with me because he said he fell out of love. Yet, he called today (which I ignored) leaving no voice message and no second attempt. You would think that would make me feel good somehow - either that I'd feel good for ignoring him, or at be a little stoked that he was thinking about me or something. But it actually made me feel more lonely. I don't really have friends. Maybe a couple of them, but they are those distant sort of friends that you aren't particularly close with. To me it is so disturbing at times, and so disheartening, to have formed such a close connection with another person and see them just leave and become a complete stranger, no longer on my radar. I've isolated myself from others... I'm a cool person when I actually let people in, but for the most part I walk around head down, eyes to the ground, avoiding looking at others. If someone says a cheery hello to me, mine comes out as a whisper. I'm almost intimidated by talking to others. If I have to, I front it to seem confident and happy. Otherwise I'm lost in my own world. And the world isn't giving me a lot of faith right now. With every passing day it feels more like routine routine routine, and I have this one guy that I'm sort of friends with yet sort of seeing, and whenever he says hello it's just the same every time... "Hello how are you?". I then answer that I'm fine (even if I've had the worst day known to man), we exchange a few more pleasantries, and then that's the conversation. That's how life feels lately. The same ****, different day.

 

Sometimes I just feel like life is going to be a constant circular struggle in which i'll go around it in the same ways, expecting different results in different situations, but in the end I'll arrive back at the starting line. I'll think up goals and aspirations that will get me excited, but I'll be gutted if I don't achieve them and probably still unfulfilled if I do. Some people may make me happy, but some will continually disappoint me, and my to-do list will NEVER be finished. Always one more annoying thing to do and never enough time to smile. I dont even think I can smile anymore without being insecure about something in the back of my mind, and that is so sad for me to write. I just texted my friend. He's high, after he said he was done with dope. He uses it as a crutch... and we all seem to have a damn crutch these days. I hope one day things will make sense, and I'll see a light at the end of this dark tunnel. End rant.

[DSM2709]

Hey there, I completely understand where you are coming from. I have been in some real crappy relationships. I guess I am considered a nice guy and I get stepped on. I myself am trying to be happy. I recently bought a motorcycle and it helps me not think about my ex or any other negative thoughts. I am proud of you for coming out here and expressing your feelings to people you don't know. It takes alot. This site has helped me immensely even though there times that I don't listen to the advice given and I end up right back where I started....just look at my past posts.

 

Try to stay positive and motivate yourself to keep plugging away.

 

Can I be your friend :-)??

[DontWorryBHappy]

Haha, sure, we can be friends . Yeah, it sucks to walk around feeling like a plastic mannequin, putting a presentable face in front of others, but feeling completely different inside. I know there are a ton of people out there that feel this way, as you said, but not a lot truly express it I guess. If I can really smile one day with one of those smiles that doesnt have strings attached to a million other expectations that I dictate to myself (like GUYS, and self-perception, and a million other things), that will be a real victory. I just read a thread on another section here, "General Relationship Discussion", about the top 5 regrets people have while they're dying. Kind of a wake up call.... I know I can't live my life feeling like I'm on a hamster wheel.... So yeah, keep going and try our best.

Edited June 7, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy

[Exit]

Sounds like you have a LOT in common with me. I've overcome some of my extreme shyness and anxiety in the past few years, enough that I can speak with people, go out to get something to eat by myself, whatever, but for the most part, I still feel like I am always trapped in my head. I can be standing around with a group of people, appearing to be talking and laughing with the rest of them, but in my head I just feel like I'm somehow never "in" the situation. I don't connect with people easily, so like you, when you form a great bond with someone and it gets torn away, it sucks. I don't have a lot of friends either. Truthfully in terms of someone I can actually contact and have a 50/50 shot that they'll actually want to hang out that day, I think I have one friend. It's such a double-edged sword. Sometimes I'm actually proud of the way I am, I'm glad that I don't feel I have to change who I am just to appeal to people, if I was willing to go sit at bars every weekend I'm sure I'd have more friends, but I don't want to do that. A lot of people can't handle isolation, they don't even know themselves well enough to be able to spend a night alone or look and the mirror and really figure themselves out. But of course there are all the downsides, everyone wants to feel loved, I wish I had more people to hang out with to distract me from the situation with my ex. When I do get to go out with my friend and have fun, I've already noticed myself saying "geez if I could actually enjoy myself every day, I'd have no problem moving on from a girl". But I get sporadic days of being able to hang out with someone and then two or three days of being completely alone in the apartment where the ex was supposed to live with me.

 

And as you say, this goes way beyond relationship troubles. I think about life in general all day long and I just don't get it. And setting goals for yourself can be scary, it's scary to think about failing and it's also scary to think about succeeding and what if things don't really change. For years now I have wanted to get in better shape, and of course now that I'm single again I'm starting to pursue it again. I think to myself if I was happy with my body I'd have no problem having more love and respect for myself and not letting someone treat me poorly. But maybe I'm wrong? Maybe I could get totally in shape and still on the inside I'll be weak and needy.

 

All you can do is try to dig very deep and find a way to break the routine that life can turn in to. The other day my friend asked me to go hang out somewhere with him and I was tempted to say no and stay home because I figured I'd be uncomfortable, but I forced myself to go, I know I need to get out of my comfort zone. Same thing with getting in shape, the routine of using food and sugar to cheer myself up certainly hasn't worked so far, so it's time to try something else.

 

It's not easy living the lives we live, never feeling connected to much else. But hey, they say geniuses and artists are always the secluded type haha. Many great people throughout the history of man certainly were not "social butterflies".

 

Start small. They say "fake it to make it". Pretend to be more interested and assertive when you talk to people from now on, and some day that will just become the norm for you. I've been a lot more confident introducing myself to people lately in a social setting and I haven't exactly hit the jack pot with a new best friend, but it's enough sometimes to come home and realize I had a decent evening talking to people.

[DontWorryBHappy]

Exit, thank you for your very thoughtful reply. It does seem that we have many things in common. I also am the kind of person who spends a random day here and there hanging out with someone (usually just one person) and then many days COMPLETELY within myself. On those days I don't leave my head, so to speak (and sometimes not my room either). There are times when I will leave my apartment just to *be around* other people, even if it's likely I won't talk to any of them. I also sometimes feel this trait makes me "special" in some way, as you were getting at, because it does make me think about life a hell of a lot more than many other people. And it also ensures that I look at things from deeper levels, including my relationships with others. My ex is the opposite of me emotionally and socially. He tends to be a social butterfly to compensate for the fact that he can't get close to anyone. I too, sometimes wonder if I'd have it easier if I were more like that. Then again... he broke up with me because he says he doesn't know how to love. So I guess I wouldn't want that life.

 

I also relate to what you said about your issues surrounding you getting into better shape. If somebody looks at me they would say I'm thin, but because of my perfectionism, I am always trying to fulfill the ideal image in my head. The problem is that I've learned that getting into shape is MUCH more a journey than a destination. If I get pretty close to what I'd consider that ideal, I still have to work like hell to maintain it. And at the same time I find myself noticing that my life really isn't any better, except for the fact that I think I look a bit better, but that doesn't fix everything else...

 

I smiled when you wrote the part about many people in history not being social butterflies, including the creative types. I'm actually a classic creative type. I write music (lyrics as well as melodies), have played the flute for over 10 years, sing, draw, act, and these are the primary things in life that bring me joy. I can get into a "zone" where all this stuff I've been talking about falls away in comparison to the joy I garner from my art. But that, too, is a double-edged sword. I can make beautiful art, but there are times when I feel like I'd trade it for the ability to run around and be super social and bubbly like a "normal" college student... haha.

 

I agree about switching up the routine and putting yourself out there. It's great to meet other people that struggle with this, glad to know there are others similar to me who aren't afraid to express it. I suppose it's also great that the world is filled with as many different kinds of people as there are leaves on trees.

Edited June 7, 2011 by DontWorryBHappy