Friend that could be more?

[jabo0112]

Hello everyone! I want to thank you in advance for even reading my story here and if you can help me out, that would be even better. I'll even try to help others out as I can!

 

I have put myself into an interesting situation to say the least and I really don't know what to do next. I'll give some background so you can understand where I'm coming from.

 

The whole story starts with me meeting a buddy in highschool. We kept in touch after highschool and visited eachother during the college years. About 8 years ago he started a girl who I'll call A. As time went on, I naturally became friends with A and over the years the friendship has grown into a very unique situation. I ended up meeting A's brother at a concert and we became very very close friends (In fact I'm going to his bachelor party next week and will stand up in his wedding in a few months). In addition, I've become extremely close with A's whole family so much that her mom calls me part of the family and I can visit any time I want without even having an invitation. Needless to say I've given them a great impression as an individual. They are a very close knit family with great values which match my own and my family's own...and they don't just let people in like they have with me. This becomes somewhat important as I explain more (its sort of a blessing and a curse, I think). Her brother (who is the most protective and loyal person I've ever met) openly told me that I should be dating his sister and even told her the same thing.

 

 

Now many of you are probably saying what about my "buddy". Well the circumstances sort of changed and over time I became closer with A and her family than him. He treated her terribly and was very selfish. He was one of those people you say "why is she still dealing with that guy"...but since she was happy everyone sort of let it go and let her be happy. The guy is likely bi-polar, had a really bad upbringing, and really only has good looks and a very fun personality (there's no backbone). While everyone else was growing up, he really hasn't grown at all.

 

 

At one point in the aforementioned relationship, A was single for awhile. Her brother definitely made it known that I would treat her well, etc... A and I even talked about it and she said she seriously considered dating me at the time but she still wanted to give her b/f another chance. He ended up apologizing to her (and to me and everyone else for what he did) and I accepted it. I am not the kind of person who likes to interfere with other people's relationships so we left it at that. Time went by and A seemed happy and it seemed like the guy was getting his act together ( cleaning himself up, going back to school, a decent job....) so I was happy for the both of them. I dated around, had a 4 year relationship, a couple 6monthers...and really didn't even think about dating A. I thought she was happy and the two of them would be together.

 

 

Well about 2.5 months ago I got a phone call out of the blue from A saying that he broke up with her again. The reasons behind it are too hard to explain but again they all boil down to him being selfish. He had a girl with the most beautiful heart, who gave him so many chances and was always there trying to do the best for him, and he threw it all away. This situation really made me consder my friendships between the both of them and after a few weeks of thought and hearing stories...I realized I did not want a person like him in my life. I have an excellent relationship with the whole family of A and after thinking about it all my "friend" was was a drinking buddy.

 

 

Ok did you get all of that??? lol.

 

 

So for the last couple of months I've seen alot more of A. I helped her with alot of the moving and BS that she had to deal with from having the carpet pulled out from under her by her ex. We've had a number of really good conversations about the breakup, her plans, and also just in general getting to know more about eachother than we already knew before. She's really opened up to me in terms of calling me, calling me back, and it seems like she wants to do more things with just me, even if its just going to the gas station to get a pack of cigarettes, cooking a meal, etc etc..

Now I know there is absolutely no way she is ready to date right now. She was in a serious relationship for around a 3rd of her life (shes 27 and I'm 28). She has definitely cut her ties with the ex and he is too much of a wuss to even call me to talk to me (and I'm not the only one...his "best friend" of 25 years was just married this weekend and he didn't even show up and backed out as his best man). We've talked about all of this and right now she doesn't think about him but more about how she can ever trust a guy again and how she feels somewhat stupid for sticking with him for so long.

 

 

I think it's probably become more clear where my dilemma is now that you have read my short story, haha

 

In my eyes A has the most beautiful heart and of all of the women I have ever met in my life is the most amazing. She's beautiful inside and out, and there's no other way to explain it. This is one of the reasons I'm so mad at her ex...he had what every other guy wants and he didn't even appreciate it. I'm getting to an age where I have dated enough that I know what I want, and she is everything I want. I have a hunch that she feels the same way about me and has known it for a long time, but wasn't able to act on it because she had someone else (and she too would have to deal with the ex/friend and family thing I am now explaining).

 

 

So with all of that in mind is all of this "Just my imagination running away with me?" or is there reason for me to believe that she may infact be interested in me? I know her parents have made hints towards her about me and I've noticed little things the last few weeks with friends that people are kinda "pushing" us to be together. Her brother's fiance has made a few remarks, people leave the passenger seat open for her to sit in when I'm driving, and a few other little things that may just be me overthinking but could be more.

 

 

I too have made some very subtle hints to her that I am interested but I am letting her have her space. For example at the wedding this weekend she came up to me to give me a hug and I told her she looked great, she ended up staying over at my place after the wedding (not just with me but with a few other friends) and the next morning we talked, she bought me lunch, and I went up to the counter to "fix" her order (she wanted cheese on a sandwich lol) but something about how she reacted to that was different. It's almost like she got used to someone being selfish. I've been wanting to go see the hangover 2 and I made mention to her a couple of times but we have both been busy. She's said yeah I want to go but I don't know how much time I'll have (which wasn't her trying to be nice...we have both had no time and I wouldn't have been able to go if she asked me anyways). I mentioned it again before we parted ways on Sunday and she said she would like to on Wednesday and maybe see bridesmaids too which was supposed to be funny.

 

 

One last thing. I'm generally very nervous and shy around girls that I like. I know part of that shyness is that I am closed off to people I don't know, but with A I find myself saying and doing things I normally wouldn't do. My life in general has been going well and I know I'm more confident as a whole but it's almost natural for me with her which I found to be very strange knowing myself. I'm not sure if that means anything but maybe it does. I also know for sure that she knows I would be a great catch (I'm successful, attractive, funny, laid back, and she also knows she can trust me no matter what).

 

 

So I guess I just want to hear people's thoughts overall and I have a few specific questions other than the one above about me just making this all up in my head.

　

If she does have reciprocal feelings is it likely she will make some sort of a move or say something when she is ready? I'm kinda worried that timing is bad and I'll end up meeting someone tomorrow and then in 6 months when she is ready, I'll already be with someone else and if that doesn't work out after some period of time, she'll have found someone else (sort of reverse of what happened to me and her originally).

 

 

How long should I wait to say something? I know there isn't some specific mathematical equation, but I also don't want to let some window of opportunity go away if it is open. I also can't just sit around and wait forever for something that may never happen. I'm not really concerned about losing her as a friend if I do cross the line because she would just tell me she's not interested and things would be fine. What are some things I should look for that may indicate she would want more? What are some indications that she may not be interested?

 

 

Thank you again for reading my novel here and I look forward to hearing any input you may have!

[EDIBFEBYSEILT]

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[jabo0112]

Thanks that really helps me out EDIBFEBYSELIT. I couldn't have said it better myself.

[Lil1]

LOL^

 

OP, I think that you sound like a genuine sweet guy. If you want things to work out between you and your lady friend you need to give her space. It sounds as though you two could have a really good relationship, especially considering that her family really digs you. However right now she needs to get over her last relationship completely and that will take time. The best thing you can do is continue to be her friend and be supportive of her. Trust me, if your love is there she will see it eventually. Allow her some time to fully heal and when she feels ready she will most likely make the first move (because she will know by your actions throughout that you truly are a good guy who has her best interest at heart). The last thing you want to do is declare your love for her when she is still hurting from her past relationship experience! That might just scare her away (she may think you were not being a genuine friend to her and had ulterior motives the entire time!). Just truly be a good friend to her at this time and let things develop naturally between you two. Good luck!

[carhill]

OK, no loyalty for cause to former buddy; check...

 

Shy around women you like; check....

 

Known A for a long time; been a 'friend'; check....

 

Here's what I'd do, based on all the mistakes I made when your age.

 

Swallow your shyness for 20 seconds and say this:

 

'I like you and I'd like to date you. While you and <former buddy> were together, I respected that relationship. How do you feel about that?'

 

Expect surprise (real or feigned) and a polite refusal. If so, smile and 'I understand. I hope things work out for you'.

 

If refused, then cease proactive contact. She knows how you feel and that 'buddies' isn't in the cards for you.

 

If refused, accept her refusal and process it as the rejection it is. If she finds you later and changes her mind, and you're available, assess your feelings then. Otherwise, move on. No 'friends' and no 'pedestals'.

 

Do not 'hang out' with her on a casual basis. That's girlfriend with penis zone. No movies as 'buddies'. Once you 'declare' your interest, you can expect her interest in 'hanging out' will end if she doesn't want to date you. That's OK. It's really good information.

 

This stuff here, what we're talking about, is the unhealthy downside of unrequited attachment and 'pedestal building'. She's enjoyed you as a friend while you've been pining away. Don't be surprised if she expresses betrayal, like she's imagining all these thoughts you've had about her while she was assuming the nice platonic guy friend. Don't be surprised.

 

Obviously, if she's been hot to date you and was just waiting for you to take the initiative, then most of the above is moot. You will date and be happy ever after

[east coast edward]

Hello everyone! I want to thank you in advance for even reading my story here and if you can help me out, that would be even better. I'll even try to help others out as I can!............Thank you again for reading my novel here and I look forward to hearing any input you may have!

 

Its a lovely story.

 

Doing this with a friend of long standing, and such a close friend can blow you away. You have to be strong, resolute and above all else, cool.

 

You have one serious aspect of this in your favour, her family. Don't expect them to influence her, but they can act as a back channel.

 

Be kind, gentle, even affectionate, but never be possessive. One difficult thing to be considered, and you're already doing so, is her appetite for partners. She expects them to be selfish, she expects to be badly treated. That means you have to be strong, without being overbearing. Its a hell of a ballance, and I've got it badly wrong. Remember, she's looking for more than a friend in a relationship, she's looking for a protector/provider.

 

Good luck and best wishes......This is a tricky journey, and when you get hurt the worst thing you'll wrestle with is that the one (friend) you would turn to for help is her, and she's the one causing the hurt. I've now had this twise in my life, and it is crippling beyond any normal relationship issue. Remember though, if things get tough , use the back channel.

 

 

/rgds

[confused192]

I love this story...I really hope it works out for you! I agree with what Carhill says Good luck!

[jabo0112]

Thank you everyone for your excellent replies. These have been very helpful and encouraging. Based on what you have said, I think I am on the right track.

 

I actually posted a really good reply to this last night but when I hit reply it said I wasn't signed in or something and it deleted my post. I was a bit mad about this and decided to try again today, lol.

 

I came back from the bachelor party trip with her bro and stayed with her and her family for a couple of days. I know I shouldn't be spending too much time with her right now but I even asked if I should go home and she said she wanted me to stay (I get to work from home quite a bit so I just worked from their house and spent time with her at night). We had two really nice nights of having really good conversations again. She is definitely opening up to me more than ever. She even announced to me while we were goofing around on our laptops that she was taking a break and deleting all of the pics of her ex off of FB. We sat together, laughed about the stupid crap she put up with, and she said something along the lines of how I was always there for her through all of the BS.

 

Through some of our talks we discussed plans for the summer and fall for trips and stuff like that. If I mentioned that I would be interested in such and such a place, she said I should come with and overall seemed to want to include me in things which was never the case before (she always included me in things but not on trips and such). In the talks about the different places she said things like "if you go...blah blah". I definitely find this to be a good sign.

 

My best friend from college is moving closer to the area with his wife and he will be staying at my house for a week in early July. He suggested we go to a concert and its for a band she really likes as well and she totally wants to go with me. A mutual friend invited me to something tonight (friday) and she was excited to hear that because she is going to be there too (which I didn't know). Before I left she even said I'll see you Friday so she definitely is looking forward to it.

 

I still don't think the time is quite right to say something. I think that while she is definitely moving in the right direction of healing...she still has a few more changes coming up that will require some time to settle down including moving again, finding a job, and a few other things. I think once she gets through all of that along with me being around on occasion will really be the right time.

 

One thing that I may do, and tell me if I'm wrong, is see if she wants to be my date for her brothers wedding at the end of July. My only worry is that people will ask if I'm her B/F and that may be a good thing or a bad thing (as many of the people that will be there will think we should be together anyways lol).

 

I know she is not stupid and she has to know that me being around more and wanting to do more things with her lately has to have more meaning than just being a friend. This is especially true since in the past we even talked about dating and now that she is again available I'm acting this way. This fact tied to the fact that she seems to want me around more is definitely a good indication that things may work out.

 

Her biggest worry and fear is that she will have a hard time trusting anyone and she already knows that she can trust me from how I am and how I have been for all of this time so it could really fall into place.

 

When the time feels more right I'm going to say something along the lines of this:

 

I like you and i want to date you. I was always respectful of your past relationship, but since you are now single, i've done a lot of thinking about you and I. I think we would really be a great match that has potental to become a very strong relationship. What do you think about that?

 

Hopefully the "right time" will become more apparent as time goes on. As some of you have said she will likely show me a bit more when she is ready.

 

Thanks again everyone and if you have more thoughts please let me know!!

[jabo0112]

Howcome you cannot comment, if you don't mind me asking? If it is because you don't have an opinion, then I'm cool with that...but if you think I'm going the wrong way about this let me know! I am not going to be upset by it.

 

I'm still on the lookout for potential dates and partners...I'm not just sitting around thinking about her every minute of every day. I just now see a window of opportunity that has not been there before and it is a window to someone I can truly say I would like to date and see where things go. I'm sure we all have people in our lives who we have said "so and so is a really great person and if I had a chance I'd date them" but whether it be timing, lack of interest, shyness, whatever it never happens. I have mostly been concerned with the timing thing and not wanting to scare her away while she is still vulnerable. I guess on the flip side of that argument, if she feels the same way about me she wouldn't care if it was the next day after a breakup (figuratively speaking).

 

Relationships are sooo damn confusing sometimes...especially for somoene like me. My Achilles heel is that I'm extremely logical and see things in black or white. It's apparent to me that we would be a great couple, but all of the little things in between are what I need help with. If you ask me to do a multi-million dollar network project, I can go in guns blaring and do it with no problems...but ask me to figure out the right time to ask a girl out and I'm a dummy haha. Thats why I'm here and I appreciate all of your help!