So, am I wrong in this?

[Kivu]

I had a thread a few months back where I talked about how worried I was about my husband having a possible emotional affair.

 

There are many reasons why I thought that. There were texts, and the fact he dressed up to go have a drink with her, and the fact he saw her alone more than once a week. Plus when I saw her, she would ignore me completely and focus on my husband.

 

I frankly don't trust her or like her one iota, and I'm suspicious about my husband's feelings for her.

 

Things happened - I told him her or me sort of thing. He took me, he said it was obvious.

 

He stopped talking to her completely, but didn't tell her why. He's also avoiding her as much as possible.

 

Here's the problem:

 

1. She will still text occasionally and ask him if anything is wrong, that she misses him. He will get pissed off at me and won't answer her.

 

2. He is avoiding going out with his other friends because of the small possibility she may show up. He gets mad at me about this as well.

 

3. I am annoyed that she is still texting him and that he is getting mad at me about this situation. I feel that he should tell her that he can't be friends with her because she's been a bitch to me.

 

4. He feels that he should just tell her that I've "heard rumours" about them (which I did!) and explain that's why he can't see her any more. I don't want him to tell her that, because it sets a them against me situation up, and it opens up lines of communication again.

 

He feels like I should trust him completely and let him have his female friend. I don't trust her an inch, and I'm a pretty damned good judge of people if I do say so myself. I have seen how she is around him and if she's not secretly lusting after him and trying to set up an affair, I would be extremely surprised. She doesn't even look at me, it's like she's trying to pretend I don't exist.

 

The best ending I can see is that he ignores her long enough she just goes away.

 

I still, funnily enough, feel horribly guilty because he keeps getting angry at me because I apparently "hate his friends" and don't want him spending any time with them! When it's really just that bitch!

 

So, am I wrong? Should I let them hang out?

[reboot]

So, am I wrong? Should I let them hang out?

 

No and no.

[oldguy]

I had a thread a few months back where I talked about how worried I was about my husband having a possible emotional affair.

 

There are many reasons why I thought that. There were texts, and the fact he dressed up to go have a drink with her, and the fact he saw her alone more than once a week. Plus when I saw her, she would ignore me completely and focus on my husband.

 

I frankly don't trust her or like her one iota, and I'm suspicious about my husband's feelings for her.

 

Things happened - I told him her or me sort of thing. He took me, he said it was obvious.

 

He stopped talking to her completely, but didn't tell her why. He's also avoiding her as much as possible.

 

Here's the problem:

 

1. She will still text occasionally and ask him if anything is wrong, that she misses him. He will get pissed off at me and won't answer her.

 

2. He is avoiding going out with his other friends because of the small possibility she may show up. He gets mad at me about this as well.

 

3. I am annoyed that she is still texting him and that he is getting mad at me about this situation. I feel that he should tell her that he can't be friends with her because she's been a bitch to me.

 

4. He feels that he should just tell her that I've "heard rumours" about them (which I did!) and explain that's why he can't see her any more. I don't want him to tell her that, because it sets a them against me situation up, and it opens up lines of communication again.

 

He feels like I should trust him completely and let him have his female friend. I don't trust her an inch, and I'm a pretty damned good judge of people if I do say so myself. I have seen how she is around him and if she's not secretly lusting after him and trying to set up an affair, I would be extremely surprised. She doesn't even look at me, it's like she's trying to pretend I don't exist.

I don't think it takes a good judge of character here just someone with their eyes open.

 

The best ending I can see is that he ignores her long enough she just goes away.

The best ending is your hubby growing a pair and telling this woman he is happily married & to get lost!

 

I still, funnily enough, feel horribly guilty because he keeps getting angry at me because I apparently "hate his friends" and don't want him spending any time with them! When it's really just that bitch!

Your hubby has reversed the emotions in this situation; He should feel guilt but by getting angry he shifts that to you.

So, am I wrong? Should I let them hang out?

You are right about your feeing, you are right about your suspicions but you are wrong about feeling any part of guilt. For one thing, he is a big boy, if he wants to see his friends that is his choice.

My advise; go to a relationship counselor. start on your own & then with him when the counselor wants to see the two of you together.

[She's_NotInLove_w/Me]

A great potential solution in a situation such as this is to ask this simple question (posed to your husband):

 

"So, if I were close friends with a male who seemed to have special interest in me, or liked to see me alone, and/or spend time, etc, etc, and he bothered and/or intimidated you, how would you expect me to handle the situation?" If his response is along the lines of having total trust in you and allowing things to continue the way they were then I would feel he is trying to justify continuing the relationship. His intentions may be totally innocent and or not along the lines of anything threatening. Still, if he were totally honest and searched inside for the real response to how he would feel if the tables were turned he would see how you feel to at least some extent.

 

I don't really see his intentions and/or feelings towards her to be the only issue. It's really you. The current and potential future resentment from your husband is just as serious of an issue as the potential OW right now. Perhaps as the previous poster suggested couples counseling is in order.

 

If you are not going to attempt that route, I will tell you that it's not at all unusual for a guy (even though he's married) to want to feel that attention from a female (especially one he finds attractive), and even though he may have no bad intentions this is how affairs start... The two of you really need to have a long heart to heart conversation about this so he totally understands your position. After you reach a point where he completely sees it your way (or more realistically at least truly understands how you feel) - then I think it would be acceptable to see the friends that he has been avoiding, and maybe even offer him to contact her and text and or speak about how things are in his marriage. I genuinely feel if he sees things your way he wouldn't want to do that without you present, or the conversation with the OW would be about the his marriage and why a continued relationship with her is not appropriate and or healthy for him and you...

 

Good Luck!

Edited June 7, 2011 by She's_NotInLove_w/Me

[Kivu]

Thank you oldguy and reboot for your confirmation of my feelings, it's always nice to hear.

 

SNILWM, I have asked that question just to get that response - "I would trust you completely" - which as you say is just a justification to continue the relationship. He knows most of the reasons why I don't like her, and he has said that he understands why I feel the way I do. That's why he's stopped talking to her, but I'm still getting the guilt trips, which makes me question myself.

 

No counselling, for various reasons.

 

Now he's pulling the guilt trip thing and I've just HAD. IT. with the guilt trips. I want it to end. I can't go back to the previous situation, but this situation is becoming intolerable. I need to find out what to say when he tried to guilt trip me. Telling him that he's guilt tripping me only leads to an argument. Practically anything I say about the subject leads to an argument.

[TigerCub]

A few things to consider...

 

You say that she still texts him on occasion - why doesn't he just block her #?

 

I think that your H was cruel in just stopping talking to her without an explanation - I think its rude and cowardly (I know that you don't care because you just dislike her so much) but if they were friends - that's just not the right way to go about it.

 

I think he either needs to continue on this path of pretending she doesn't exist and just block her #

 

or...

just come right out with it and say that their friendship has gone as far as it could and that they shouldn't talk to one another anymore.

 

That's it, that's all - it doesn't need to be so complicated.

 

As for what you should say to him when he tries to guilt you - just tell him

"I gave you a choice, her or me, and you made that choice all on your own. Now I would greatly appreciate it if you'd act like a man and back up your choices without whining and throwing a fit. You had a choice and you made it all on your own, now stand behind it - don't try to guilt me, it was her or me and you chose - what more is there to say or do?"

 

Honestly, that's how I would do it - but I'm no expert on relationships.

 

I just find it (amusing is a bad choice of words here maybe), but kind of amusing to see how people dance around issues and don't just come right out and say exactly what they need and what they want and what they expect. It saves a lot of time and leaves no room for doubt and questions when people just come right out and say it like it is.

 

Good luck

[Kivu]

I don't know why he hasn't blocked her number. I think he's still holding out hope that I'm going to change my mind about her (not going to happen this lifetime).

 

I also happen to agree with you that it's rude and cruel not to explain to her why he's not talking to her. In my mind, since I pretty much hate her guts right now, it's no big loss if he's cruel - but I still feel unhappy that my husband is the kind of guy who would be so casually cruel to someone who he says is a friend. I'm very conflicted about this. I don't want him to start talking to her again, ever, and I'm not even happy about him explaining why he can't - but I still want the issue dealt with in some way.

 

If he gives me another guilt trip about it I'll explain how happy I am that he listened to my feelings and made this decision. And I'll leave it at that. If he starts an argument about it, I'll just repeat it.

 

I really hate it when he starts arguments and then says that I started it - that happened last weekend about this same issue.

 

What's really funny is that I'm so conflicted about this that it's hard for me to say with clarity what I want and what my expectations are. He has the same problem. We're working on it.

 

I do think that he has a lot of resentment of me over this, and a lot of other things, and it does hurt our relationship. But I'm not sure what to do about that either, and counselling, as I've said, is out.