ImageofLove Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 How long would you wait for a man to propose to you when there are no problems with finance, live together in our house, early to late 30s, careers sorted and have been together for almost 5 years. We have discussed and he continually says he wants to marry me but it's always me bringing up the topic and he will only get quotes on diamonds when I suggest something or we fight about it. He also says he is just slow! I'm not sure I believe this! I am feeling unsure about just leaving, as you never know how long you should actually wait! Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
TigerCub Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You say that you're happy with your bf. You live together and have been doing well for 5+ years? I think you need to ask yourself: Would marriage change anything? Do you want to be married to HIM - or just married? because if you're willing to leave him (and a good relationship with him) because you're not reaching the "marriage goal" would that make sense if you wanted to marry HIM? I think you need to talk to him honestly, if marriage is a MUST for you, you need to talk to him openly and tell him that and see if he truly wants marriage in his life. You can't push someone into marriage (well you can, but it wont go well) , and it just seems extreme (to me) to leave someone that you really love and want to spend the rest of your life with, just because they're not proposing on your timeline. But maybe he really does have reservations about marriage - if its not in his plan at all, I hope that he would be honest with you so that you at least know and then can decide if its worth it to stay or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImageofLove Posted June 8, 2011 Author Share Posted June 8, 2011 I'm just very worried at the moment that he is just telling me he wants to get married (he is very believeable) but he has reservations about marrying ME. I guess that's why I am now watching his actions rather than listening to his talk. I see friends and their relationships just seem to flow from relationship to marriage, which makes me think that if someone really wants to marry you they will just do it without prompts? I guess I just feel stuck, as I can't actively try to meet someone else when I am in a relationship with him but I feel like he is just keeping me here with his promises. It's hard to know what a reasonable timeframe is for me to leave. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Mauschen Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Are there any problems in your relationship? Perhaps any problems are the reason he is not proposing. Pressure to marry is also a big deal for many men. The more they feel pressured, the less likely they are to do it. On the other hand, what is the incentive for him to marry you? You are already living together and sharing a life together. What extras does he get if he marries you? Probably nothing. What extras do you get? Would you feel more secure? Do you want a ring on your finger? A ceremony? Children together? If he is a good man and you are happy with him, I don't see a problem in waiting longer WITHOUT pressuring him. It is really not easy to find good, normal men in that age group that aren't already taken. Link to post Share on other sites
martini-mae Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Too many times I've seen this: "Well everyone else is doing it" "Everyone else goes from dating etc, to marriage, why haven't we" You're already threatening to leave. You said you can't pursue anyone else. That's something you should really think about. How much do you really love him? Would it be an ultimatem if you leave if you don't get your way? Do you really want to Marry him - or do you just want the Wedding? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImageofLove Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Thanks for the responses. I feel that I just want to know he is going to follow through with what he says. Having been to lots of engagements and weddings in the last 2yrs has made me more aware. If he is only going to SAY he will propose and never DO it then I need to leave before it is too late to have children. Some people may not agree but I feel that if someone doesn't have the urge to marry you after at least 4yrs they may be lying and holding out on telling you the truth. It could be the pressure he feels from the discussions of marriage but if someone can't man up at the age of 38 after nearly 5yrs together there is obviously something stopping him and boy have I tried to find out why! The only answer I get is "there isn't any reason". When I push further for a better answer I get "I'm just slow" or "I didn't get around to it" (after a promise was broken to get a quote for diamonds). Thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 Propose to him. Link to post Share on other sites
Charger79 Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 It could be the pressure he feels from the discussions of marriage but if someone can't man up at the age of 38 after nearly 5yrs together there is obviously something stopping him and boy have I tried to find out why! The only answer I get is "there isn't any reason". When I push further for a better answer I get "I'm just slow" or "I didn't get around to it" (after a promise was broken to get a quote for diamonds). Thanks again Leave him. Based on this paragraph, it seems like you're putting too much pressure on him and he's getting the sense that it might not be worth it. My wife used to act like this after we had been dating for four years. We dated for eight years before we got married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ImageofLove Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 Denise xo - It certainly is a good way to find out if he is serious when he says he will marry me! Thanks Charger79 - Or rather than leave maybe I should stop trying to find out why he hasn't proposed yet and shut up. If you don't mind saying, why didn't you want to propose for a while and what made you want to propose in the end? Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Radagast Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 It would appear that he's happy with how things are, so why would he need the formality of marriage? On the other hand, it would seem that you are dissatisfied with "merely" living together, and want the ring and certificate. Since you are the one who really wants it, why are you expecting him to push for something he's quite comfortable without? If you really want the wedding, do something about it - propose to him, take him ring shopping, and plan the wedding. If he says yes, you'll get what you're after. If he hesitates, you'll know he's not up for it and can make a decision about whether you love him sufficiently to live together as a couple without the ring and certificate, or whether the ring and certificate matter more to you than he does. Link to post Share on other sites
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