dreamwithme Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My girlfriend recently decided that she needed to take a break from our relationship of over a year. She assured me that there was no other guy, but that she just needed to sort out her own feelings, etc, and decide whether the relationship was right for her. She said that she loved me absolutely and has depended on me over the last year for my emotional support, but that she just needed to take a break to see if she could stand on her own. This pronouncement was kind of sudden as she started ignoring my calls and txts over a couple of days. We usually call and txt regularly through the day. She explained her wishes to me when I finally txted her to ask her why she was ignoring me. She said that she needed a break and that I wasn't making it easy by continually contacting her. So I agreed that if she needed space, that I would give her space. I have initiated NC since Saturday, but it feels weird and unnatural to be doing this instead of talking. I am coping. The question in my mind though is this: Is this really a breakup? I mean, she says she needs to take a break to see if she can do it on her own. So to me it's more like a trial breakup...which I guess would fit one definition of taking a break. I always thought that taking a break meant giving time for us to miss each other. Instead I get the feeling that taking this break is her way of easing out of the relationship. What gives? Link to post Share on other sites
Kazmi Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Give her the break. From personal experience. It's a bit different from your situation, but still... I was going through a tough year and he was always there by my side. A very emotional year. At the end we both went mad - I was depressed and his mind was a mess. I asked for a break MANY TIMES through the year. My ex was not willing not give me a break, he wasn't willing to try to pass a day without me, we aren't together now obviously.. I'm in pain because of it, since he broke with me at the end, and it seems to me that he just wasn't patient enough... And even if it is how you feel, that she wants to ease her way out of the relationship, still give her the break and wait silently. We tend to appreciate things more when they are not around. Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamwithme Posted June 7, 2011 Author Share Posted June 7, 2011 Kazmi, Thank you. I appreciate your perspective. I guess I have to deal with my insecurites of fearing that the relationship is over or that "out of sight, out of mind" mindset. Replace it with "absence makes the heart grow fonder". I'm trying. It's difficult. It's almost like a game that I don't want to play, but I will maintain NC for now. Thx again. Link to post Share on other sites
superchiefs Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My girlfriend recently decided that she needed to take a break from our relationship of over a year. She assured me that there was no other guy, but that she just needed to sort out her own feelings, etc, and decide whether the relationship was right for her. She said that she loved me absolutely and has depended on me over the last year for my emotional support, but that she just needed to take a break to see if she could stand on her own. This pronouncement was kind of sudden as she started ignoring my calls and txts over a couple of days. We usually call and txt regularly through the day. She explained her wishes to me when I finally txted her to ask her why she was ignoring me. She said that she needed a break and that I wasn't making it easy by continually contacting her. So I agreed that if she needed space, that I would give her space. I have initiated NC since Saturday, but it feels weird and unnatural to be doing this instead of talking. I am coping. The question in my mind though is this: Is this really a breakup? I mean, she says she needs to take a break to see if she can do it on her own. So to me it's more like a trial breakup...which I guess would fit one definition of taking a break. I always thought that taking a break meant giving time for us to miss each other. Instead I get the feeling that taking this break is her way of easing out of the relationship. What gives? After 6 weeks of being seperated, I started wondering the same thing from my broken engagement. My ex told me that she didnt want to marry me. Then she indicated that we were just taking a break. So finally, I asked her last week in an email, are we taking a break or are we broken up and her response was that she didnt know what we were. So then I emailed her and told her that I didnt want to be just friends and that if she couldnt give me any sort of committment then I was out of her life. My final email to her asked her for forgiveness for all the times I made her feel bad and she never responded. Of course, that was only yesterday at about this time. These breakups just suck! Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 This seems to be a prevalent habit amongst girls - seeking a break. I don't know why it is. Maybe they fear the full separation thing because it means they are stepping into a potentially lonely unknown; or maybe it's that they just can't bring themselves to go the full "I'm dumping you" route. Oh I know many ladies do, and many men do. it's just that it seems a prevalently feminine trait to go for the 'taking a break' option. I see far more women doing it than men..... Whatever. Guys - if a girl says this to you - consider things over. Done with. Finished. Ended. Kaput. Finito. Dumped. Broken. Up. Link to post Share on other sites
Kazmi Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 This seems to be a prevalent habit amongst girls - seeking a break. I don't know why it is. Maybe they fear the full separation thing because it means they are stepping into a potentially lonely unknown; or maybe it's that they just can't bring themselves to go the full "I'm dumping you" route. Oh I know many ladies do, and many men do. it's just that it seems a prevalently feminine trait to go for the 'taking a break' option. I see far more women doing it than men..... Whatever. Guys - if a girl says this to you - consider things over. Done with. Finished. Ended. Kaput. Finito. Dumped. Broken. Up. I don't think it's absolute true. Your words may be relevant in many situations, but not all of them. It's not all that simple... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Guys - if a girl says this to you - consider things over. Done with. Finished. Ended. Kaput. Finito. Dumped. Broken. Up. Yup. Always have. Never been wrong. A couple of times I doubted myself, but 'told you so' later. Trusting one's instincts is forged in the furnace of the uncertain, and those turned out to be Hoovers. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 sorry, agreed. break = breakup. if a girlfriend says "i want a weekend to myself and to not talk for 2 days" i could see that being different, but saying "i need a break to find myself" means "i want to sleep with other people but also to string you along until i find someone." Link to post Share on other sites
Kazmi Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 You make us sound so horrible pft. I really meant a break as if in "I need time for myself". I never wanted to break up with him when I said that, and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only girl alive that feels like that. I guess a lot of girls do that, but I don't believe all of us. Sorry, I just had to comment, it's wrong to look at the world in boxes like that. There are a variety of people. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 It's only 'a break' if you follow up with: "Please let's cool it until day/date/month. I will meet you then, and we can review". If you leave a guy in limbo, and you don't make it this concrete, WTF is the poor sucker supposed to think - ?! All you're saying (or all he's hearing) is: I don't want to see you right now, but I'm not sure when I will want to see you again. Until then, stick around and hang ten...." I mean, there is a huge amount of Ego involved in declaring you're on a break, but not laying down any boundaries, rules, concessions, compromises and provisos. What makes some girls think they're so important? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Break = potential hookups with new guys without it being 'cheating' Example - lady has interesting fish nibbling at bait on hook and tired of the one in the bucket; call for break, set hook, reel in, gut and cook. Tasty meal. Go back to the bucket and peer inside. Nah, time to bait up. I had to put it into guy terms Link to post Share on other sites
ahoy Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 My ex said she wanted a break, I agreed. What I actually said was "Okay, take as much time as you need. I'll speak to you when you feel ready." After two hours of not speaking, she was texting. I ignored them. She started phoning. I ignored the calls. She came round to my house and explained that she couldn't bare not speaking to me. End of break. The "I want a break" speech is more often than not the beginning of the end, regardless of whether you agree to the break like I did or fight it like your life depends on it. All I am saying is use it as a big warning sign, as that's what it usually is. Link to post Share on other sites
TearyEyedPride Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 I can say that it's not only the ladies that ask for breaks. Some guys do too. My ex needed a break and he spent alot of time just hanging out with his guys, but he did text and talk to me regularly. I think with women, because we're very much in tune with our emotions... sometimes when we can feel it conflicting with our thoughts, or all of a sudden if a feeling changes suddenly... we have to analyze it and that may take some alone time. NOT ALL WOMEN, but I can say that just needing some time to think is very normal. However, when it goes on for a week or more... not a good sign. Link to post Share on other sites
california15 Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 haha I liked carhill's description. I can maybe, possibly, entertain the idea of a break if it was along the lines of "so and so died, I lost my job, I need to be bymyself for a week or so".... but I'm not as open minded when its to find one's self or to grow. If thats the reason for the break, then Break up, and when you're done growing and finding yourself we'll go from there as to whether or not we want to date again, but I can't sit around and hope you'll come back to me after the break and be in this limbo. what happens when you're married and she want's a break from the marriage to find herself? Wants a break when things go downhill? She can't just up and leave you for a while in the dark while she does her thing (well I suppose she COULD... but thats not my point). If she wants to find herself and grow, thats perfectly normal. But I don't think I can understand why the other person would want to sacrifice a relationship and someone they truly care about in order to do so, which is why I'd rather just break up. I want someone there consistently. not someone who needs a break from me and the relationship, someone thats going to leave me hanging. Because that shows that the person requesting a break is not happy with me there... and in that case, I'd rather they just own up and end it instead of trying to be nice with the break thing. Yes people need to find themselves and grow, but people can grow together and support and encourage each other in the process... which leads me to my whole philosophy on the break thing (and maybe because I've been burned by breaks in the past and it still bothers me) I see it as, you like me or you don't. You want to be with me or you don't. Either you're in... or you're out. Link to post Share on other sites
superchiefs Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 haha I liked carhill's description. I can maybe, possibly, entertain the idea of a break if it was along the lines of "so and so died, I lost my job, I need to be bymyself for a week or so".... but I'm not as open minded when its to find one's self or to grow. If thats the reason for the break, then Break up, and when you're done growing and finding yourself we'll go from there as to whether or not we want to date again, but I can't sit around and hope you'll come back to me after the break and be in this limbo. what happens when you're married and she want's a break from the marriage to find herself? Wants a break when things go downhill? She can't just up and leave you for a while in the dark while she does her thing (well I suppose she COULD... but thats not my point). If she wants to find herself and grow, thats perfectly normal. But I don't think I can understand why the other person would want to sacrifice a relationship and someone they truly care about in order to do so, which is why I'd rather just break up. I want someone there consistently. not someone who needs a break from me and the relationship, someone thats going to leave me hanging. Because that shows that the person requesting a break is not happy with me there... and in that case, I'd rather they just own up and end it instead of trying to be nice with the break thing. Yes people need to find themselves and grow, but people can grow together and support and encourage each other in the process... which leads me to my whole philosophy on the break thing (and maybe because I've been burned by breaks in the past and it still bothers me) I see it as, you like me or you don't. You want to be with me or you don't. Either you're in... or you're out. Everything you said is exactly how I feel about my situation and in my situation, my ex has pretty much indicated that she would rather not have me in her life at all than to have me as a lover. Of course, for whatever reason, my heart is having major problems with letting her go. I think it is because she keeps feeding me poison by telling me she still loves me, she always will, she doesnt want to lose me in her life, etc...but yet she keeps saying she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now whenever I ask her. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden Posted June 7, 2011 Share Posted June 7, 2011 Superchiefs: Go NC. Read the Caliguy No Contact guide in my signature. Best of luck. Truly - I feel for you. Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 Everything you said is exactly how I feel about my situation and in my situation, my ex has pretty much indicated that she would rather not have me in her life at all than to have me as a lover. Of course, for whatever reason, my heart is having major problems with letting her go. I think it is because she keeps feeding me poison by telling me she still loves me, she always will, she doesnt want to lose me in her life, etc...but yet she keeps saying she doesnt want to be in a relationship right now whenever I ask her. right there, at the end. "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now" that's the truth. it's not weird confusing girl talk, that's as direct as you can read it, don't dress it up. take it for what she said, and don't hurt yourself by waiting on a string for her to come back. sorry dude. wish i'd done the same when my ex pulled this crap. Link to post Share on other sites
IhavenoFREAKINclue Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I think a break classifies as you taking a break from each other but you are still exclusive. I do not believe its a break up... Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 I think a break classifies as you taking a break from each other but you are still exclusive. I do not believe its a break up... tell my ex that. first day it was a break. three weeks later it was a breakup. "what did you think a break meant??" it means a simple way to back out of the situation without causing immediate drama. but yes, 'freakn, i'd agree with you wholeheartedly that's what it SHOULD mean. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dng Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 it means a simple way to back out of the situation without causing immediate drama. Yep. Its all very selfish. Its "I met someone but I'm not sure", or "I want to break up but I'm not sure", or "I want to break up but I need help from you to move out and money and furniture, why buy everything in double?", or "I want to break up with you but I can't do it so I'll just lie to myself and pretend its a break and take it from there". Many more variations I'm sure but one thing in common "break up". If this ever happens again, I'll know what to do. I'll bring on my robot mode and say "You want a break, fine, but I'm breaking up with you, goodbye and best of luck to you", then NC forever. There won't be a next time because I've been learning how to choose better in the +11 months I've been single. Link to post Share on other sites
vsmini Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 A break can be used to minimize drama but it can also be used to create drama. When I was younger (and a total immature little brat)I used "I want a break" to see if the guy would go nuts or just not care. Then I used that as a barometer for his feelings for me. Totally Effed up - I know. Most people can "figure" things out while still being in a relationship but might need some quiet time - IE - taking a few days with no contact to get things straight. There really is no need to start with this break talk unless a breakup is coming soon. Don't be her fallback guy. Link to post Share on other sites
Ginger Beer Posted June 8, 2011 Share Posted June 8, 2011 The girl I've been seeing recently said she wants a break, now I know why (to see other guys without it being cheating). Link to post Share on other sites
Author dreamwithme Posted June 9, 2011 Author Share Posted June 9, 2011 Yep. Its all very selfish. Its "I met someone but I'm not sure", or "I want to break up but I'm not sure", or "I want to break up but I need help from you to move out and money and furniture, why buy everything in double?", or "I want to break up with you but I can't do it so I'll just lie to myself and pretend its a break and take it from there". I guess this is what I think...despite her telling me that she absolutely loves me and that there is no other guy...sure, there are external stressors in her life right now, but all this "taking a break" stuff is very selfish. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Savage Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I'm in a similar situation right now and I'm starting to wonder are there ANY sucess stories of couples taking a "break" and everything working out in the end. All I am hearing is these "breaks" eventually ended in a break up. Anyone out there have this situation come out good for them? Link to post Share on other sites
flitzanu Posted June 10, 2011 Share Posted June 10, 2011 I guess this is what I think...despite her telling me that she absolutely loves me and that there is no other guy...sure, there are external stressors in her life right now, but all this "taking a break" stuff is very selfish. sorry dude. there's SOMETHING else, if not someone else. think of it like food. "hey what do you want to eat?" "i dunno...but i DON'T want mcds" so, "hey you want a relationship?" "yeah i do, but just not sure with you" tread lightly my friend, don't get burned and taken advantage of. Link to post Share on other sites
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