Should I answer the phone?

[skibum]

So almost 2 months ago my gf of 5.5 years broke up with me. The whole story is here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278070/

 

Bullet points:

-we have been doing long distance the entire time, seeing each other every summer and constantly traveling the world and visiting each other, never going more than 2 months apart.

-she tells me about a month before that the breakup that she has a crush on her lab boss, though she admits to me and her close friends that he is unattracive but just has a great personality

- out of the blue one night she breaks up with me over the phone blaming the distance and how incredibly stressed she is (first year of grad school, multiple family problems)

- i fly home to meet her face to face and she sticks to her decision, saying if it werent for the distance everything would be fine.

- I am going to be living near her in 1 year once I am done with med school and she says maybe then we can try from scratch, but that we should date other people in the meantime

- she emphasized she really cared for me and wanted to be friends since the past 5.5 years have been wonderful and i never did anythign wrong to cause the breajup (she was bawling while telling me this)

 

 

OK so we decided to do NC for 2 months, and on June 16 (the day after my huge exam) she said she will call me and see where we are in the healing process, etc.

 

The only problem is that I am super suspicious of this other guy. Before I blocked her on Facebook I noticed that he suddenly became friends with her roommate and sister and close friends which means he has been hangin around them a bunch (which he didnt when we were dating).

 

I understand he could have been there for her during her tough breakup and since she liked him things could have grown. But the idea that she broke up with me to get with him I cannot get out of my head no matter how much she denies it.

 

The problem is:

-if she broke up with me and ended a 5.5 year beautiful relationship to get with some ugly mother****** then I dont want anything to do with her. That is a ridiculius thing to do and she is not worth my time.

-if she genuinly was stressed and needed a break I could respect that, I went through the same thing when I started med school I just toughed it out but I had wanted to break up. In that case I would not be bitter and would still like to have her in my life.

 

What should I do?

 

I had been emailing her sister who I am close with and her sister emphasized how we need to be friends because I shouldnt throw away the last 6 years memories and experiences and that my ex really cared about me and wanted me in her life. When I told her that I didnt want to be friends if my ex had dumped me for the other guy I got a cryptic message that I still am not sure what to make of:

 

"If you know the result of certain actions, you probably would be acting in a very different way. However, you would also not learn much since you always know the outcome. What I am trying to say is that you probably learned a lot not only from what happened right now, but also from the relationship itself and the years spent together. Even though avoiding anger and saddness is natural, it is also an important aspect of life. I wish what had happened had been more gradual, btu feelings are not logical and many time inexplicable. "

(not sure if that means she wants me back or if it means that the consequences of not being friends with the ex would be bad for our future/her)...

[loverboy1984]

Hey buddy remember me? Im done with the Step. as you remember our situations were very similar so let me tell you what happened with mine. So we had been together for 6yrs. She broke up with me for no real reason. I went no contact for 2.5 months then after both of us had finished our exams I texted her. Why? because she told me sister 4 days after the break up that "hope fully when we are both done studying and when he is ready to talk again that we can start over." so I texted her congratulating her for finishing the semester and taking her test and said that if shes ready to talk that she can call me. She replied by mirroring what i said and congradulating me then she said once she is done celebrating with her classmates and finished moving she will call me. so 10 days later she called. 10 days!!!! I didnt pick up

 

Its up to our exes to close the distance since they put it there. I wanted her back so much and now I dont because how can I? how can I take someone back who is not willing to take 10 min to call me and wait this long. I say be a gentleman and bow out. I never hated her and she never hated me. It would have been an easy reconciliation but it never happened and It cant work anymore. You cant bet your life on it. Dont dwell on this and focus on your test. I regret deeply that i spent so much time hoping when I could have been focusing better. I can never forgive someone who broke up with me during the time im studying for the most important exam of my life. My worst enemy has never inflicted this much pain

 

Dont respond to her. let her leave a message. let her tell you why she wants to talk to you. move on. People told me this but I never believed it because I thought since we both love each other and didnt have anything bad happen between us that my situation would be different. I held on to hope and I regret it now.

 

Good luck!

[skibum]

Hey loverboy, thanks for the reply. I remember you very well, I am glad to hear that your Step is over. I have mine in one week exactly and I am in panic mode.

 

I have been pretty successful in keeping her out of my mind since I have been so distracted. I have been getting some good studying in the past few weeks and Ive surprised myself with that. Of course its not as good as it would have been without this huge stress she threw on me. But hey, we do what we can right?

 

I have been leanign towards not answering the phone. I think it is healthier that way. That way I can feel as if the ball is in my court and I once again have the upper hand instead of being the sad little dumpee. If she continues to call and try to get a hold of me I may talk to her but I have a wedding to go to right after the Step and so Ill be pretty distracted flying out there for a few days for it.

 

There are no ill feelings between us (other than me getting pissed at how she had to dump me during the most stressful time of my life because she couldnt keep her pants on, but thats not based on any fact thats just me lashing out). I know she is a genuinely good person and we had somethign great, but we can ever get that back. If anything, the only chance i Have with ehr is to start from scratch and move on this next year working on myself, for myself and not for her.

 

Its tough and Im sorry to hear how it turned out with your girl. I think Ill talk to mine in a month or so once rotations start or something but we will see. It is going to be hard not to answer the call when she does call on the 16th We'll see if I have the cojones not to.

[TaraMaiden]

Simple. be out of the house, and turn your 'phone off.

All day.

Go to a beach, go out with buddies that day, go do something - anything - that doesn't require you to have a 'phone glued to your ear all day.

 

You know, people used to lead a perfectly normal existence before mobile 'phones came along....

 

Try it and see how liberating it can be.

 

Oh and - when you go back home, refuse to listen to any message on the landline, (delete it, or get anyone you live with, to delete it. or if someone took a message, just say thanks, and file it in your mental trash can.....)

 

....and get someone else to check your mobile - and delete any message/text from her, without letting you hear/read it.

 

Please trust me on this one.

Please.

Pretty please.

With sugar sprinklin's on the top.

[loverboy1984]

Hey I bet Im the only person on the forum who can really feel you right now the week before your step. Right now my mind is much clearer than it was when I was studying and Im kinda pissed because I wish I had a clear mind then. I was really looking forward to my test ending and for me to send her a text so we can begin reconciliation. There were no ill feelings between us either. We both said we loved each other. She even contacted my family a few times during the break up. But actions speak louder than words. Im not sure who she is anymore. I just cant wait to move on with rotations so I can have new distractions in my life. When I look at it her breaking up with me while I was studying for the most important test was something my worst enemy wouldnt have done.

 

I went from planning and rehearsing what I would say when she calls to not picking up. You need to make them sweat a little. If they really want to talk to you nothing can stop them. Mine called and didnt leave a message and didnt call back. I want closure still but I got it from her actions. In the long run we will look at this as a blessing.

 

My only advice is please dont come on this forum this week and focus on this test. Its not that bad and your gonna do great just dont want you to waste precious energy thinking about her. I regret every moment I thought about her and let her slow me down.

 

Good Luck buddy!

[skibum]

My only advice is please dont come on this forum this week and focus on this test. Its not that bad and your gonna do great just dont want you to waste precious energy thinking about her. I regret every moment I thought about her and let her slow me down.

 

Good Luck buddy!

 

 

You are absolutely right. I am not going to log into this forum until next Wednesday afternoon once I am done with the Step. I need to focus and I have now entered panic mode since its so close. Ill update you on how it goes once I finish. Thanks for the sudden inspiration haha

[skibum]

Well I am done with my Step! Eff that was hard.

 

So today after I get home from the exam I get an email from the ex explaining that she wasnt going to call me tomorrow because she was going to Costa Rica fora week by herself.

Im not sure how to feel. I know I shouldnt care that she is going, but part of me is a bit bummed because we traveled Europe and Asia together and we were always planning on doing South America next. Now here she goes by herself leaving me home. Also she always seemed too busy to go places lately since she started grad school and had no time to hang out with me and now that shes single she has a whole entire freakign week to run off to another country for a vacation? The hell dude?

 

Whatever, it bothered me but Im getting over it. I have no temptation to call her but if she calls in a week when she gets back then I still dont know whether to pick up...

 

90% of the time I have made peace with her decision and (although I disagree with it) I recognize that she was stressed and needed time to think. Thats fine I can accept that since I know how she feels. I feel that it is fine to talk in a few months, maybe be semi normal friends.

 

The other 10% I just get so pissed that she could do this to me. As loverboy said, not my worst enemy could have hurt me so bad. And at the worst possible time in my life. Literally. There is no good time for a breakup but there sure are times you dont do it. I didnt do it after her grandparents died for that reason and she just picks the lowest point in my life to do it?

Ugh

 

Anyway I guess this is just an update and although I recognize the need not to pick up so that I can have some of the power back I still am in a dilemma

[TaraMaiden]

No you're not. There is no dilemma, only temptation.

 

The question is not "should I pick up?"

 

The question is "Why SHOULD I pick up?!"

 

There's absolutely no sound, logical or sensible reason why you should.

There are plenty as to why you shouldn't though.....

[EgoJoe]

My last post for the night and I'm with TM here.

 

Your homework, Skibum: Pros and Cons list in this thread.

[skibum]

This may be a long read so I apologize. Feel free to get annoyed at my train of thought, I realize that most of LS is a strict NC supporting zone and I agree that that is the best way to get over an ex. So bear with me as I try to explain my logic:

 

I am no newbie to breakups, I have been dumped before, I have done dumping, I have dated many girls/women and I have a very sound head on my shoulders. I realize that a lot of breakups ppl complain about are one that happen in tennage years and first loves and all that. And, although I recognize how incredibly painful those are because I have been through them myself, I feel I have a lot of experience where I know a love relationship from a lust one.

 

I dated this girl for 5 and a half years, she was the first one who thought just like me and we didnt do drama hardly at all. Literally, we rarely fought because we both took life lightly and yet were both motivated. And given the fact that we were long distance the entire time it gave us the ability to have lives outside the relationship. And when we got together every month or so and every summer it was awesome.

 

Here is my pros and cons list for answering the phone:

 

Pros:

- I still love her like crazy, not in the "o no i got dumped i need her" but its been two months and I can see myself getting along in life fine without her, but I dont want to

- If there were a chance of getting back together when I return home in 11 months for good then not talking to her until then will make her forget about me I fear

- We have dozens and dozens of mutual friends, her best friend married my brother for crying out loud and they talk every week, there is no escaping her and she will always know what I am up to because of so many mutual friends (ergo no mystery in disappearing from her)

- The only reason for the breakup was the distance and stress in her life, she said if I lived near home everything would be fine. She told me before I went to med school that if I went out of state again we would break up and I agreed. When I went to med school out of state we loved each other so much we couldnt break up. I wanted to because I was just as stressed but when I went home to do it I couldnt, and every day since I had been so grateful I didnt because I just fell for her more after that

- If I ignore her then we cant be friends and how can people who arent friends care for each other? She told me she cared for me so much and couldnt imagine her life without me when se dumped me

- If she doesnt hear from me how can she see the happy me she fell in love with?

- She is dealing with a TON of stress I feel so terrible about it I wish I could help, I know she made this decision without a rational mind. maybe when things settle down shell realize her mistake.

- I told her when we broke up I dont want to hear about her and any new relationships if we were to be friends so I wont be dealing with that. She agreed.

 

Cons:

- she dumped me. Hurt me worse than anyone could possibly do. Worse than my worst enemy could have.

- By dumping me she basically looked at me, saw all that I was an gave her and was willing to do for her and thought "eh, the hassle and stress isnt worth it"

- She threw in the towel when I had already tried so hard to not do what she did a year before. By doing that she chose literally the worst time in my life to break up. I realize there are no good times, but a month and a half before the biggest exam of my life? If we had broken up when I was going to a year ago then I would have been fine and instead she waits until I am the most in love with her out of our entire 5.5 year relationship? Bullsh**

- She is going to Costa Rica for a week now when she said she couldnt go to the wedding Im going to this weekend? She was soooooo busy when we dated but now she has time to get away from it all and go on vacation alone for a week? South America was always our next destination we were gonna go together.

- I know I will be cool on the phone with her and pretend its all fine but I know Ill break down after.

 

 

 

It all boils down to it being unhealthy, but if not unhealthy then there is the chance gone forever and although I know I will be OK years down the road, I know that she was perfect for me and I dont want to not have her in my life. And neither does she.

 

 

 

There you have it. Feel free to rip into me

[EgoJoe]

Dude you were LDR and you're going to be back near her in 11 months? Don't answer.

 

Trust me when I say that you'll have your day. Now, be cool and relax.

 

She'll come to you. Don't answer ANYTHING don't make ANY effort. You're in a good position. Just live your life for you. You'll have your chance to talk about this and in the 11 months you'll regain every aspect of your power.

 

The truth is that you make a habit of "giving up" your power when you hang on to non-mutual emotional attachment. Walk away with your head held high.

 

Now, Pro and Con the whole relationship or your own viewing pleasure. Read it whenever you think of her and do your own thing.

[TaraMaiden]

This may be a long read so I apologize. Feel free to get annoyed at my train of thought, I realize that most of LS is a strict NC supporting zone and I agree that that is the best way to get over an ex. So bear with me as I try to explain my logic:

If you agree that NC is the best way to get over an ex - then what follows, has no logic. It's just you trying to justify why you'd reply. And the reason you'd reply is to prolong your own agony by just hearing her voice again.

 

Here is my pros and cons list for answering the phone:

 

Pros:

- I still love her like crazy, not in the "o no i got dumped i need her" but its been two months and I can see myself getting along in life fine without her, but I dont want to

- If there were a chance of getting back together when I return home in 11 months for good then not talking to her until then will make her forget about me I fear

- We have dozens and dozens of mutual friends, her best friend married my brother for crying out loud and they talk every week, there is no escaping her and she will always know what I am up to because of so many mutual friends (ergo no mystery in disappearing from her)

- The only reason for the breakup was the distance and stress in her life, she said if I lived near home everything would be fine. She told me before I went to med school that if I went out of state again we would break up and I agreed. When I went to med school out of state we loved each other so much we couldnt break up. I wanted to because I was just as stressed but when I went home to do it I couldnt, and every day since I had been so grateful I didnt because I just fell for her more after that

- If I ignore her then we cant be friends and how can people who arent friends care for each other? She told me she cared for me so much and couldnt imagine her life without me when se dumped me

- If she doesnt hear from me how can she see the happy me she fell in love with?

- She is dealing with a TON of stress I feel so terrible about it I wish I could help, I know she made this decision without a rational mind. maybe when things settle down shell realize her mistake.

- I told her when we broke up I dont want to hear about her and any new relationships if we were to be friends so I wont be dealing with that. She agreed.

None of these strike me as valid justifications. They're 'grasping at straws' excuses. The bottom line is that you'd answer the phone because you want to, as you still have feelings for her. So you'll gladly rip the stitches out of the wound and re-open it, because you think it would be the right thing to do.

Which is of course, the wrong thing to do.

 

Cons:

- she dumped me. Hurt me worse than anyone could possibly do. Worse than my worst enemy could have.

- By dumping me she basically looked at me, saw all that I was an gave her and was willing to do for her and thought "eh, the hassle and stress isnt worth it"

- She threw in the towel when I had already tried so hard to not do what she did a year before. By doing that she chose literally the worst time in my life to break up. I realize there are no good times, but a month and a half before the biggest exam of my life? If we had broken up when I was going to a year ago then I would have been fine and instead she waits until I am the most in love with her out of our entire 5.5 year relationship? Bullsh**

- She is going to Costa Rica for a week now when she said she couldnt go to the wedding Im going to this weekend? She was soooooo busy when we dated but now she has time to get away from it all and go on vacation alone for a week? South America was always our next destination we were gonna go together.

Lame.

The basic reason you shouldn't answer the 'phone is because it's over.

The reasons are immaterial, the causes for your pain, justified. But it's over, so why keep it going?

 

- I know I will be cool on the phone with her and pretend its all fine but I know Ill break down after.

And this, in a nutshell, is precisely why it's a crap idea.

 

 

 

It all boils down to it being unhealthy, but if not unhealthy then there is the chance gone forever and although I know I will be OK years down the road, I know that she was perfect for me and I dont want to not have her in my life. And neither does she.

The fact that you are broken up shoots holes in this and makes it a lie. If you were perfect for each other then, you still would be.

Incompatibilities arose, and proved too much for either of you to deal with and compromise on.

It's broken. Unhealthy. And no amount of justifications, pro's, con's and arguments is going to change the fact that she dumped you, and you're no longer together.

 

Go No Contact, stay No Contact. You know it makes sense.

 

You said so yourself.

 

 

There you have it. Feel free to rip into me

 

Done.

[skibum]

O TaraMaiden I should read what you write the day she is supposed to call. It puts me in a "eff that! Im not gonna answer mood!"

 

Also another con:

When we broke up she said that I was also on a different maturity level than her (does she think shes some beacon of maturity?). Im a pretty mature guy I just had a silly sense of humor with her cuz she liked the goofy me. Trust me, Im gonna be a doc. Takes some maturity for that. hah

She also said that I made her feel self conscious about her body. Total BS. I always told her she was perfect and she said she was too skinny and I said hell no youre beautiful. And meant it. All these other excuses seemed like her trying to justify a bad decision.

Also Im suspicious of another guy she told me she had a crush on a few months before she dumped me. When asked if she would date him she said maybe. And told me to date other ppl to bcs if we got back in a year she woudl feel guilty if I didnt. (Not sure why she would break down in tears multiple times when breaking up with me if its for another dude though.... pro?)

 

Still tough. Best friend of over 7 years. Gone like that.

 

Im headin off to catch a plane but Ill be back to read more criticisms of my "cant get over her" attitude in a few days.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't keep coming up with pro's and con's. You rip yourself up, and make yourself hate her.

Neither is constructive.

Just understand: Some people make it work, others don't.

It happens.

Break ups happen because something arose that proved unfixable or was too hard to compromise on.

We can't change or fix others, and they can't change or fix us.

 

So it didn't work?

So accept it.

The more you linger thinking about it, the more of you you're investing in a relationship that is now only in your head.

Why give the broken Past head-room?

 

Haven't you got more important things to keep in there?

[EgoJoe]

Amen. I was just suggesting the Pro/Con list to give him an outlet and a distraction when he was thinking about it.

[TaraMaiden]

Pro/Con lists are fine for non-emotional investment.

When you're emotionally invested, it just accentuates stuff, and makes you think about it harder. You actually begin to focus, and you change the way you think.

 

That is, you generate nostalgia and resentment.

[skibum]

Whadya kno, I have wifi at the airport! I understand what you mean with the no contact it is absolutely necessary in order to heal and move on. I'd like to think that my case is different since it was just cuz of distance but I suppose that doesn't matter, in the end I'm still single.

 

Then I have another question: why would she be so adamant about still wanting me in her life as s close friend to the point she cried sbout losing me forever? One could say guilt sure but there's got to be more of a reason. I kno her pretty well and I kno she still cares about me. Just not the way I care about her.

 

I have a friend who couldn't do no contact and dragged it on for three months (mentioned him previously) and then he just gave her the ultimatum and now they're engaged. I was thinking that could be s possibility but I kno that is a damn slippery slope.

 

And I don't have medicine stuff occupying my head yet lol I have two weeks of break before rotations. Then I can forget about her. I'm climbing mount Whitney next week to get my mind off her I'm super pumped!!!

[EgoJoe]

Your situation IS different. GO NC until you go home. Entertain the notion of talking face to face, then. Only if she initiates w/o breadcrumbs.

 

Listen to Tara. The 11 months NC is me trying to meet you halfway.

[TaraMaiden]

Then I have another question: why would she be so adamant about still wanting me in her life as s close friend to the point she cried sbout losing me forever? One could say guilt sure but there's got to be more of a reason. I kno her pretty well and I kno she still cares about me. Just not the way I care about her.

 

There's no question she cares about you, but obviously not enough to want you in her life as her priority.

She still wants you as an option.

 

You have to make this clear: if she is adamant that there is no future for you two as a couple, she has to understand that as the one in recovery, you will have to let her in when you're good and ready, not when she wants it to happen.

you have to be able to look her in an indifferent light. Not uncaring, indifferent.

In other words, completely comfortable with the thought that she's got a 'Mr Perfect For Her' on her arm, and she's going the longer distance with him.

You have to completely accept and be happy with that, before you can entertain the thought of friendship.

 

If she protests that you're not the only one in recovery, this will reveal a number of things:

She thinks her recovery is more important than yours;

She's making this about her, not about you;

and if recovery is such a big deal to her, then her need for recovery was her choice. You weren't given that choice.

 

Does that answer your question?

[skibum]

Those are great answers thanks a lot. I like the thought of NC until I get home in 11 months. Who knows, I may have a new gf by then no one knows what the future holds. I won't answer when she calls cuz in no way, shape, or form am I ready to be friends. I still hurt like hell and still love her to death and I need to repair myself first.

If she keeps calling or emailing I may make it clear to her what Tara mentioned. But if there is only one call then her not contacting then I will take that as her understanding I need more time and will just move on with med school without explaining anything since contacting her will just set me back. I will keep you updated how it goes!

 

Damn love is s b****. you never can trust anyone without getting hurt!!

[EgoJoe]

Don't contact her after that time unless she makes an effort.