Does the dumpee ever come back?

[That_girl]

I know that in most cases, after considerable time has passed with no contact, the dumpee moves on. Especially if they were dumped in a cruel way or without explanation. Usually the dumper makes contact first because they are the ones that initiated the breakup to begin with.

 

What about in cases where the dumpee emotionally abused, manipulated, cheated on their partner? Do they ever realize that they made a mistake, or that maybe the dumper had no other choice given that they made no effort to change?! Do they ever come back?

 

Personally, I think it's probably best that mine doesn't come back anytime soon because I'm not over it yet.

[Treble Clef]

I'm waiting for that answer myself. We left each other a mess

[Billie The Puppet]

Dumpee's who haven't discovered NC tend to try as soon as the break-up occurs in the earlier stages.

 

After a significant amount of time I don't believe many dumpees try becaause NC becomes second nature and have otherwise given up.

[AmericanHoney]

I think in most cases no. There are some rare cases where they do come back but generally they do not come back. Personally I kinda wish my ex would come back but then there is a part of me that wishes he wouldn't. He chose her over me so really do I want him back in my life?? Not really....

[stopthemadness]

I agree with Billy the puppet. We the dumpees just give up after a while, and come to the realization that its over and they dont want us anymore. And really you get to the point where you think, whatever!! Thats where am at anyway. At this point, I dont want his butt now even if he begged me back. Hang in there..At some point you feel RAGE you'll see......

[guccimane99]

Honestly, if u dumped him because he cheated then why want him back he is going to do it again. If he treated u well and u dumped him well then im sorry but u messed up. I dont understand why female dumpers who get cheated on want those men back, but they get a nice guy who spoils them and they just take them for granted. I'll tell you this because im a guy if a guy cheats on you HE WILL DO IT AGAIN. There are no exceptions your better off going with a GOOD GUY who says the sweet things like "u look beautiful." This is a guy who will ALWAYS be there for you until u decided you dont want to be with him or u two arent right. Believe me when i say this there are GOOD GUY'S out there and there are some that are CONFIDENT. Just be happy and if you want a cheater just remember once a cheater always a cheater. If he didnt respect you know what makes u think he will respect u know?

[jeff2321]

This is largely a subjective topic so I will say the following opinion reflects only my experience.

 

I am male and every woman that has ever left me has never came back, called me, texted me, or emailed me back. My ex left me last August and I haven't heard a single thing from her and we were together for 3-4 years.

 

I think men will contact an ex quite often after some time, but women do not usually contact an ex, especially if they were the dumper. Once a woman is done, they are done... they have too many other options (i.e. guys hitting on them) to consider going back to the old.

 

My EX will never contact me and I'm okay with that and I have accepted it. It is probably for the best as she has caused me so much pain getting over her that I couldn't take her back at this point anyway.

 

Just my .02 on the subject.

 

Cheers,

 

Jeff2321

[flitzanu]

i'd have to say i'm opposite of jeff. every girl that i've dated at some point has come back to talk, AS FRIENDS. the only exception is the current one, but that's a whole different story.

 

the dumpers have come back, and even many have apologized for their behavior, and i'm a forgiving person. the dumpees, those have made amends as well, and i maintain pretty decent relationships with the handful of girls gracious enough to have dated me. it makes sense though, i'm an awesome person, so why wouldn't they want me around?

 

again...i'm not saying i'm an exception, just that i'm an exceptional friend and girls feel comfortable with me, even after we've had hardships. it may be years later of course, but they've all come back around.

[dng]

again...i'm not saying i'm an exception, just that i'm an exceptional friend and girls feel comfortable with me, even after we've had hardships. it may be years later of course, but they've all come back around.

 

I have a similar experience. All the women i've dated >2 years are still in my life in one form or the other.

 

One from 10 years ago we facebook email only. I dont think either of us feels comfortable enought for phone numbers meetings. Well actually she wanted to meet but I've declined, she is in a relationship with kids and while I have no ill intentions, I'd rather not awaken something in myself until we've emailed alot more and I feel comfortable.

 

Another one from like 15 years ago still calls me monthly, weekly, or bi yearly. I never call her but I always enjoy our conversations.

 

Those were all clean breakups with a discussion, a decision and then application of the decision, NC for a number of months/years.

 

The current ex, I'm the dumpee and I don't want to talk to her ever again. Just too much hardship, too many lies and stringing along and complications, she used me, borrowed money to come see me but wouldnt show up, and blah blah blah blah.

 

Maybe she was crazy all along, maybe dumping me made her crazy, maybe something else but seriously I've invested enought in her to want to cut my losses.

 

At least I'm over all the toxic guilt she left behind. I no longer think the breakup was my fault and I sucked, quite the contrary. I was a good boyfriend to her, left her alot of latitude to grow as a person, always offered good guidance and was there for her and behind her. I wasnt a doormat however and would often refuse silly demands like driving her 3 hours away when I had things to do while she could take a bus and other children type behaviors that I tried to curb.

 

She however spent years in and out of the relationship, often packing her things and then not leaving, never quite sure, pushing/pulling. I took it all with flegm and I dont regret, I was teaching her how to behave with me and normal people respond to that with respect, she responded with a need to have limits and a craving to break the limits.

 

Let her find another guy with the toolset that I have and see if he makes it for nine years.

 

She played push/pull for 6, 7 months until I told her to go jump in a lake and *ended* it myself. I tried to break it cleanly but I didnt succeed.

 

End result? If she's happy, nice. If not, nice.

[flitzanu]

+1 dng, +1.

 

well, +10000. just mean good for you, for making that realization that you're not to blame and realizing that girls LOVE forcing you to see that when THEY don't want to hold any guilt.

 

i'm working on that part myself.

[dng]

+1 dng, +1.

 

well, +10000. just mean good for you, for making that realization that you're not to blame and realizing that girls LOVE forcing you to see that when THEY don't want to hold any guilt.

 

i'm working on that part myself.

 

Ha well. All I can say is this: 11 months of therapy. That's what it took but the good news is that its a global thing for my life, not just this breakup.

 

I can say I'm over the emotions as well. I still think about her all the time but I feel its more an habit other than anything else.

 

The one thing left to get over is a substancial amount of anger. I'm still angry at her for leaving the way she did, she played every angle to her advantage and at me for letting her get away with it.

 

You know what? Even that helps, she was like that in the relationship too but I simply didnt see it or didnt want to see it (she's different!).

 

She's not different, she was just prettier and sexier than most (upper 85%) and we were both damaged in opposed ways, so we sorta made one person out of two broken halfs.

 

So all that closure stuff, it really has to come from within. I had to get to a point where I understood the breakup in my own terms and now I do.

[flitzanu]

i've always been curious just what people tell/hear in therapy, counseling, etc about relationships. i had friends tell me i should go, but i think they were just sick of listening to me...

 

but seriously, i've never discounted therapy and still don't, but just the bit i dabbled in psychology in college, i understand a little about the lines of questioning and self-discovery, but NO ONE can ever force you to turn off an emotion, you know? that's my area. i know i'm sick and disturbed over my past (and past relationships), but my heart feels what it is going to feel, you know?

 

not sure if that really makes sense though.

[dng]

i know i'm sick and disturbed over my past (and past relationships), but my heart feels what it is going to feel, you know?

 

not sure if that really makes sense though.

 

Can't talk for you as I dont know you, but I can tell you there arent many persons around me who I think wouldn't benefit from therapy.

 

I've been learning alot, but none of it has to do with turning emotions off, quite to the contrary. I've been learned to accept what I am, accept my emotions and let them live and fizzle out.

 

I've been learning to unblur what I CAUSED and what I DIDNT CAUSE and still took responsability for, short of knowing better.

 

I feel more and more life my life is mine and I'm not responsible for anyone but myself. I also began to understand why I made the choices and I made and why I stayed where I shouldnt have stayed.

 

If you feel like you could use it, then by all means go ahead, find a therapist and go.

 

I know alot of people choose to go to behavior cognitive therapy for a quick fix but I went full steam ahead and choose psychoanalysis.

[giuliano-3]

Yeah, this is subjective. Most girls I've gone out with and dumped me have contacted me at some point afterwards. The ones I dumped? Not so much, although I have had a couple of those contact me as well. So, it depends on you and them - every situation is unique.

 

As far as would I (the dumpee) take back my most recent ex? The only answer is "I don't know." Nor do I care. Depends on the timing, the situation I'm in, have we both truly changed, are we able to start fresh without past baggage messing things up. Right now I wouldn't, I do know that much. Even if she flew down 1,000 miles to see me and beg. Would I get back with an ex from 10 years ago? Maybe, again depending on the situation. My exes are spread around the globe and none live where I currently do, so I haven't had to make that decision in awhile.

 

Exes are pretty far from my conscious thought process right now, all I can think about is how to make myself better for the next one that comes along. Its really all that matters. Learn from the past so you might grow in the present and be better off for it in the future.

[flitzanu]

Can't talk for you as I dont know you, but I can tell you there arent many persons around me who I think wouldn't benefit from therapy.

 

I've been learning alot, but none of it has to do with turning emotions off, quite to the contrary. I've been learned to accept what I am, accept my emotions and let them live and fizzle out.

 

I've been learning to unblur what I CAUSED and what I DIDNT CAUSE and still took responsability for, short of knowing better.

 

I feel more and more life my life is mine and I'm not responsible for anyone but myself. I also began to understand why I made the choices and I made and why I stayed where I shouldnt have stayed.

 

If you feel like you could use it, then by all means go ahead, find a therapist and go.

 

I know alot of people choose to go to behavior cognitive therapy for a quick fix but I went full steam ahead and choose psychoanalysis.

 

 

interesting. i really do find those things fascinating, and by no means do i want to sound like "i don't need it" or that i dont' think it helps, i've just always been curious what exactly they are going to tell me that will make me "stop" if you know what i mean.

 

another question if i can pick your brain, are you an expressionist...artist...blogger, journaler, painter, etc...? do you express emotions through media or other means, or are/were you an internalizer that bottled up?