My Story: 1 week into separation

[AudentesFortuna]

I'm glad I found this place yesterday. Here is my story. I'm not looking for "The Answer", just different perspectives and I guess to say my peace.

 

Together for 11 years, married for 5, last Monday morning (Memorial Day indeed!) got the the whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech and she asked for a divorce. As shocking and devastating as it was to hear those words, they were not totally unexpected. Even I had been thinking and discussing divorce in my head, but I just thought we'd work at fixing our relationship and we'd live happily ever after.

 

The downward spiral started November 2009 when we found out we would struggle to have kids naturally. Technically, I'm sterile. It wasn't an immediate shock, but little by little it began taking it's toll. I got depressed, she got depressed, but we didn't tell each other. Huge mistake. We should have started counseling right after we found out. I was suffering inside, she was too but she didn't show it much. I was falling apart inside, she was too but she quickly found an outlet for her depression. Online games and the men she met there. She started talking to this men, first emails and then texts. It all came out last July on our trip to NY. I had noticed she had withdrawn from me, me being depressed, I took this really bad. I thought for sure we would see each other through this stage but I got really bad when we grew apart instead of closer. She tried to play it off as innocent, "it's just people", etc. During this time I finally went to see a counselor and it really helped, those sessions are helping to this very day. We talked and talked and she convinced me that it was done. She understood and it wouldn't happen again. A few months go by, and same thing. Secret Facebook accounts, she keeps talking to these guys. Same thing, another confrontation and another promise to stop. You know, sitting here, I'm amazed how when someone doesn't want to see something they simply won't. I kept believing her and I kept suggesting counseling and she kept saying no. After a few months, it all went back to "normal". So much so that we went ahead with buying a house on November 2010. Everything seemed so great. Once again, November 2010 through May 2011, all is "normal". We plan, we dream, buy life insurance, plan trip to Rome. All the while, last few months I began to feel her changing once again. She had made an effort to reconnect but little things were off. We talked about trying to have a baby, maybe IVF, maybe adopt, whatever, she would say we are young, have time, let's take our time making this decision. Sex was up and down, sometimes a lot, last 2 months not so much. I grew frustrated yet I fully realize that she didn't reach for me as much as I didn't reach for her. It takes two.

 

Sunday night after party at the house I found a secret pre-paid phone in her purse, looked in her laptop and she had been sending naked pictures of herself to some guy in South Carolina. In yet another mistake of me not thinking straight, I confronted her (I was emotional, not too much, not angry either) right after she woke up with a hangover. After talking for about 1 hour she finally said it. "I'm attracted to other guys, I want to see others guys, I want to see what is out there. I can't stop, we are getting a divorce". She even said that she was sure that I wasn't attracted to other women and I had to spend like an hour telling her that being attracted to others is normal. You fantasize, you get yourself off and then you go mow the lawn/cook dinner.

 

We talked for another few hours and I thought I convinced her to seriously go to counseling. My tune has changed since then, but I kept talking about the life we built together, the stuff we had, the house, the dreams. I thought I got through to her. However, she goes to her grandma's house for a few hours, I got with my brother in law, we all come back to the house and she's "I don't love you anymore, I just see you as my friend, you are my best friend but this life is boring, routine, there is no spark". Her story began to change a bit. We talked a bit more with her brother and she finally says it. She got depressed after we found out we couldn't have kids and her outlet became these online fantasies. I asked her about the good times, the times it was good, she said it was those times that she was trying to work things out. I told her how unfair that was, you can't "work things" in your marriage by yourself. She should have told me. I tried to reason, I see things differently. The online fantasies make sense, you have your real life here your fantasy there. I asked her what was she planning on doing if I never discovered the phone? She said she would have just continued, real life here, fantasy life there. She said she had thought about asking for divorce before, but she wasn't brave enough to do it. Then she said she would have eventually...then she said she couldn't stop herself from talking to these guys and that eventually she would have found someone close and cheated physically on me. Today, I understand the true impact of that. That is huge. I'm aware of the ramifications. Some of the main reasons for all of this is our inability to have kids and our total inability to have dealt with it at the proper time. Now, we would have to deal with the whole baby thing plus her online fantasies.

 

We decided that I would go and stay with my brother in law for a week and she would stay in the house. I don't know what the purpose of that was, my BIL just said we couldn't be in the same house together. Mind you, this never got heated or angry or anything. Just sad. Some tears and some anger but no raised voices or insults. I was devastated. Completely devastated. I was so bad that night, I made an emergency appointment the next day to see my doctor and get anxiety meds. I've never taken them before but I knew I would need them to get through this.

 

After spending one night in my BIL's couch and talking to some friends, I got a bit angry. I put my thoughts together and a few days later I went to the house and told her she had to move out. I won't bore you with the details of my speech, but the main points were that she was moving out, we were starting a 3 month separation, that she would pay me $500 a month to keep up the bills, that she woudn't contact me for anything, she was free to do as she pleases with whoever she pleases and that these were the conditions to her coming back in 3 months: Counseling for us individually and together, no more secrets of any kind, she'd had to win back my trust and finally, we would do everything in our power to have a baby. Now, one thing about me it's I'm very emotional and now I understand she never responded to that. This time though, be it the Xanax or just me, I told her all of this without a flinch in my voice or a tear in my eye. Almost cold at times. I could see in her face she was a bit surprised. At first she said she would think about it to which I responded, "What is there to think about? You just dropped this on me, I can't just start filing out paperwork tomorrow." Then she said "I'm NOT coming back". I told her (AND I MEAN THIS ALTHOUGH IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE IT AT TIMES) "I know you are not coming back. This is not me trying to convince you of anything. This is me saying my peace". Then she said "I can't come back with those conditions, you are trying to control my life". I replied "Those conditions are not control. They are steps to us being whole again. You can't take one and not the other. No next step happens without the other". At this point I got up to leave, she tried to give me a hug and I pushed back and asked her what that was for? She said I'm sorry. I asked her why she was saying that? Now, I'm not cold-blooded. I put down my stuff and embraced her. Led her by the hand to the couch, we talked some more and repeated the same speech, this time gentler. She was crying. I was calm the whole time. She looks at me and says "Ok, let's try the 3 month separation"...she continues looking at me and says "You know, I MIGHT not come back". I repeated the same "You are not coming back, just me saying my peace". I really don't know what she meant by "let's try the 3 month separation". I left afterwards. I do know she let a few people know (her brother and my brother's girlfriend) that we were "trying" a 3 month separation. Like I said, I don't know what she means by that. Normally, following her pattern throughout the years, I would imagine she is telling me what I want to hear to get me to be quiet and leave, but the only reason this is a bit different is because for the first time in our entire relationship I was strong in front of her, didn't shed a single tear or anything. The she said she had to prove she could take care of herself, she had to take care of her psychological issues and that she had to prove that she was strong. To whom? I explained to her, she has always confused stubborness with strength. I reminded her of all the things she has done in her life that show her full strength. She has issues, I have issues, no point in throwing a life away without giving it a shot to fix them. I'm truly willing to stick through thick and thin.

 

My biggest fear is having hope be my crutch. I'm really living these next 3 months like she is not coming back. It's devastating. I go through a million emotions an hour. Last week was really bad, Sunday was the worst day on my life by far. Xanax helped at the beginning, but one night I noticed that it made me feel "too good". Does that make sense? I didn't like it, I felt it was stopping me from dealing with this. Yet on Sunday I took it and the whole day was horrible. Then yesterday, yesterday was a good day. I have embraced my family, my friend, they have come through for me. I walked 3 miles with my Sister in law and the baby. It calmed me. I haven't taken Xanax in two days. I'm calm. I'm confused. I love my wife, I LOVE HER, but so many things have surfaced. I don't expect her to return, what do I do with my life??? I know, I have to live for me. Have made appointment with counselor, endochronologist for hormone replacement therapy I have been putting off. Have joined the gym, yet this is one week in! One week! My emotions are all over the place some hours, I'm calm some others. I get sleep, yet I'm not hungry. I miss her so much. Haven't talked to her since last wednesday. I miss her so much. The house, I don't know, sometimes I'm numb, sometimes it has no effect. I'm sleeping in the couch. Don't go into the bedroom. I hate to think that somehow, deep inside of me the only reason I'm not more of a wreck is because I expect her to come back? I don't want that! SHE IS NOT COMING BACK. Yet we still have to deal with assets, house, debt, cars. This is devastating...how does one move from this?

Edited June 7, 2011 by AudentesFortuna

[coolheadal]

Man it's a very hard to call this one, mine is doing the same in a why. I would say how can you love her still and she still does it. Doesn't sound like she cares about you. You have the in-law to stay with I don't have that option. I only have one to get out before I go crazy thinking about it!

[Mauschen]

I recommend visiting marriage builders.com and reading His Needs Her Needs.

 

I'm sorry you're going through this. I know it's not easy as my ex-Husband cheated on me for 3 years and then married the other woman just a couple moths after out divorce.

 

In time, you will feel better. I'm so glad you moved back into the house! Do not give er anything unless it is court ordered and do not accept her as anything but your wife. I would let her know that if she decides to come back, a completely open and honest relationship is all you're willing to accept (no facebook, online gaming, etc.). In 3 months you might not even want her back.

[What_Next]

God this story repeats itself so often around here. Each time I read one my heart sinks.

 

There are some positives here though. You at least came to your senses and told her pointblank that her behavior would not be tolerated and good for you. Secondly, she wanted out so SHE LEFT; also good for you. Lastly, you were stern, but not overly emotional in her presence; VERY good for you. Maybe you didn't even know it but you have already put into play a wonderfully successful set of behavior patterns, the 180.

 

Now, in your position you must realize a few things. Firstly, you CANNOT control her behavior, only your own. This is simplistic I know; but powerful. So; exercise, eat right and get your mind busy. Pick up old hobbies, go out with friends, do whatever you must to stay busy. It will help.

 

You didn't mention ages, how old are you and your wife? What is her family history as far as marriage goes, you might often find clues as to why she is acting like this buried in her history. Now of course the issue surrounding having children plays a part in this as well; honestly though be thankful at this point there are no children involved just yet.

 

Lastly, you mentioned the house, the trips, the car etc, these are all "things" sure they make life a little more comfortable, but they are just that, THINGS. They have no real impact on your life. I know it might sound trite to say this, but going through these awful times in your life will teach you these items are not critical, they come and they go.

 

Stay strong.

[AudentesFortuna]

In time, you will feel better. I'm so glad you moved back into the house! Do not give er anything unless it is court ordered and do not accept her as anything but your wife. I would let her know that if she decides to come back, a completely open and honest relationship is all you're willing to accept (no facebook, online gaming, etc.). In 3 months you might not even want her back.

 

Interesting you said that because that was part of the speech. "We will have a proper marriage or we will have nothing at all, and I know that scares you. I understand you think you don't deserve this life and this happiness, but it is the only life I'm willing to have with you". It's burned in my mind because I practiced it so much!

 

One of the hardest things about right now is my mind is going a million thoughts a second. I can't think to this afternoon, yet alone 3 months from now. I'm hour to hour right now. Thanks!

[AudentesFortuna]

God this story repeats itself so often around here. Each time I read one my heart sinks.

 

There are some positives here though. You at least came to your senses and told her pointblank that her behavior would not be tolerated and good for you. Secondly, she wanted out so SHE LEFT; also good for you. Lastly, you were stern, but not overly emotional in her presence; VERY good for you. Maybe you didn't even know it but you have already put into play a wonderfully successful set of behavior patterns, the 180.

 

Now, in your position you must realize a few things. Firstly, you CANNOT control her behavior, only your own. This is simplistic I know; but powerful. So; exercise, eat right and get your mind busy. Pick up old hobbies, go out with friends, do whatever you must to stay busy. It will help.

 

You didn't mention ages, how old are you and your wife? What is her family history as far as marriage goes, you might often find clues as to why she is acting like this buried in her history. Now of course the issue surrounding having children plays a part in this as well; honestly though be thankful at this point there are no children involved just yet.

 

Lastly, you mentioned the house, the trips, the car etc, these are all "things" sure they make life a little more comfortable, but they are just that, THINGS. They have no real impact on your life. I know it might sound trite to say this, but going through these awful times in your life will teach you these items are not critical, they come and they go.

 

Stay strong.

 

Thanks for the reply. I fully understand I cannot control her behavior. I'm proud of myself because I would imagine in this situation I would be grovelling, sobbing and begging her to change her mind. I know that is what she was expecting of me. I'm a mess inside, my heart hurts, but outwardly I'm putting up a good front. I told her no contact for the next three months and I have no desire to talk to her. I miss her, but I don't want to talk to her unless it's about us. She has contacted me twice via texts but it was for whatever stuff (some bank stuff and car stuff). I have fully embraced my friends and family. They are being my base right now. Been walking with my SIL and baby nephew (3 miles a day), been hanging around friends and one of my friend's husband is even taking me shooting guns this weekend at his ranch! Amazing people in my life.

 

We are both 33, in both of our families, I don't think there has been a single successful/happy marriage ever. My mom is in her 2nd but that one is shaky. Her mom is total mess. She is back with her first husband (my wife's father) that sexually molested my wife when she was young. My wife didn't talk to her mother for years and years. Then she decided it was time to let bygones be bygones and started talking to her again. Coincidence that on Sunday it was the 1st time her and her mom had gotten together in years and then she gets drunk and this happens???? Probably.

 

As for your last point, about THINGS. You are very right about that. One thing I regret about the first day of our fallout is that I kept bringing up things: house, cars, trips, etc. But you are right, I came to my senses and I do realize that they are just that, THINGS. I wish I could have told her that before the separation began and I will tell her when I see her at the end of the 3 months. Put aside all the things, they can be had again, let's just concentrate on fixing ourselves so we can be whole again. That is what I'll say.

[AudentesFortuna]

I have been thinking so much in these past few days. The separation was official last Friday so it hasn't even been a week yet it feels like an eternity.

Even though I am the one who insisted on the separation and said NC whatsoever, I wish I could clear a few things up. Should I even bother contacting her with some texts or an email? It's bugging me a little, I just wish to say a few words. Is this advisable? Should I even bother? I know if I send them I probably wouldn't even get reply or know if she read them. Sigh. I'm so tired and sleepy, yet I am sleeping quite a bit. I just want to lay in bed.

[Mauschen]

I have been thinking so much in these past few days. The separation was official last Friday so it hasn't even been a week yet it feels like an eternity.

Even though I am the one who insisted on the separation and said NC whatsoever, I wish I could clear a few things up. Should I even bother contacting her with some texts or an email? It's bugging me a little, I just wish to say a few words. Is this advisable? Should I even bother? I know if I send them I probably wouldn't even get reply or know if she read them. Sigh. I'm so tired and sleepy, yet I am sleeping quite a bit. I just want to lay in bed.

 

 

No, stick to your original plan. Give her a chance to miss you (which may or may not work out for you). Just wanting to lay in bed = depression. Have you been seeing a therapist?

[tornintexas]

Should I even bother contacting her with some texts or an email?

 

Our stories are similar in many facets down to the big implosion on Memorial day weekend. I'm not really in a position to offer great advice but I can say that when I failed at NC and tried what you are asking it did not work for me.

 

Strength brother!

[AudentesFortuna]

I'm glad I found this place, but reading all these stories is driving me crazy. I see bits of my story on every story and it scares the hell out of me. I understand all issues are complex but right now my mind is stuck on the "ILYBINILWY" stories. It's classic us. I'm needy/clingy, drive her away and she meets someone online and wham, no more love. Then there is the baby issue that started it all but the clinginess/neediness would probably have come out anyway. That would have been a disaster with the baby. I honestly have had a epiphany this week thanks to this site. I understand my clingliness and neediness and I was trying to change it and I'm willing to continue changing. And for me and me only. She has to work on her issues as well, I'm just afraid she might go on tailspin and ruin her life. Everyone is right here. I should stick to my original NC plan. I know that is taking her by surprise, she would never think with my neediness that I could pull it off.

[AudentesFortuna]

No, stick to your original plan. Give her a chance to miss you (which may or may not work out for you). Just wanting to lay in bed = depression. Have you been seeing a therapist?

 

Have an appointment June 22, keep calling to see if an appointment opens up each day, no luch yet. Did get some Xanax from my Dr. but it's a weird drug that I don't like. At first I was amazed how good it made me feel and then I hated it...my body was happy but my mind/heart was sad. Haven't taken it in two days. I go through waves during the day. Have been getting exercise/going out to movies etc. I was sleeping well last few days except for last night.

[AudentesFortuna]

Our stories are similar in many facets down to the big implosion on Memorial day weekend. I'm not really in a position to offer great advice but I can say that when I failed at NC and tried what you are asking it did not work for me.

 

Strength brother!

 

Thanks, I read your whole story as well, heartbreaking. Strength to you too.

[AudentesFortuna]

All this self-analysis! URH. Need advice, did I handle the separation correctly? Was 3 months too long? Was the no contact rule too harsh? I told her she was free to live her life as she saw fit, was that advisable? So many things were said. She was ready for a divorce, didn't want to hear anything, I saw this as the only possible hope. Come back in 3 months, no contact, do what you want, if you want back in...there are the rules...etc, etc. Please tell me I handled it correctly. I just freaked because I read yet another article stating I did it wrong...

[AudentesFortuna]

One thing that is so hard about this separation is her brother is my best friend. He is in a tough spot because he talks to the both of us. I don't want him in the middle like that, but when my anxiety gets to me and I talk to him, I just want to ask him about her. He really doesn't like that I totally understand. All he tells me is that she is concerned about me. He tells me to just be ready, she might not come back. That gets my anxiety going like crazy because I feel he must know something...although that might not be the case. A million people, a million different opinions.

[jstobo]

One thing that is so hard about this separation is her brother is my best friend. He is in a tough spot because he talks to the both of us. I don't want him in the middle like that, but when my anxiety gets to me and I talk to him, I just want to ask him about her. He really doesn't like that I totally understand. All he tells me is that she is concerned about me. He tells me to just be ready, she might not come back. That gets my anxiety going like crazy because I feel he must know something...although that might not be the case. A million people, a million different opinions.

 

I know it gets your anxiety going like crazy. But the reason for your separation is to see how things change. She may feel right this instant that she won't come back. He may be hearing her say that. Hopefully with time, her feelings about that will change. I for one, do not think a 3 month separation with no contact is the best idea. I think a lot can happen in three months. You don't want a self-fulfilled prophecy. Separation was a good idea, but 3 months is too long. Maybe a month or so. Just my opinion.

[AudentesFortuna]

The way I feel at this moment...I don't even want to bother with the 3 month separation. I just want everything to be over...but we have to sell the house, settle debts, EVERYTHING is in both of our names. Selling the house is going to be a pain. I want some normalcy. I hate going home. I avoid it like the plague. I go there late and just to to sleep. She left the rabbit, I don't want to take care of the rabbit. Talked to some friends though, they calmed me down. Lots can happen in 3 months...though I don't expect her to change her mind. I need some peace.

[AudentesFortuna]

I cannot believe it's barely been 11 days since the separation started. It's been wave after wave of emotions. The mornings are the absolute toughest. It's when I feel the worst. As the day passes, I begin feeling better. Evenings and nights are surprisingly good. I exercise, hang out with friends/family. I'm actually getting some sleep. Yet the mind can't be turned off. Haven't talked to her in 11 days. I miss her, but have no real desire to talk to her. Let her take it all in. Counseling begins next week, I can't wait.

 

I have begun to really look into myself, true hard, honest look. I'm surprised that at times I can be good and think so clear. My low self-steem, lack of self-worth, terrifies me. I don't want to be alone and perhaps that is why I want to make this work. Even is she does come back, the true hard work would begin and who knows if any of the counseling will have any effect on her. What then? I'd be back in this same place 6 months for now. The house really kills me. Just bought it on November 2010 and here we have to sell it 7 months later. That will be something that will keep us tied together until it sells. Could take months to a year. I just want everything over with. Need to move on with my life, change of scenery. Stop worrying about will she/won't she.

[Shane Jimison]

Time and counceling/support from friends, family and professionals will help tremendously. While a divorce is almost never easy, it's even harder when one has been through what you've been through. Sounds like she may have a sexual addiction and you are better to leave the relationship, find someone that cares for you, and move on. Of course, consult with your lawyer and always think before you act out!

[AudentesFortuna]

2 weeks and 2 days into NC separation. At least in my part. On Friday I received an email from her despite me having told her "no contact whatsoever" for 3 months. In the email she said that she was ok, hoped I was ok, that she opened a bank account, went to the Dr. and asked for a referral to see a counselor. She said she wanted to be a better person but she couldn't help how she felt about me. Then she said she knew it would be tough to get through this and that she would continue putting money for the mortgage as agreed. I felt like contacting her but thought better of it. I just wanted to ask her to clarify her email because to me it sounds like she is continuing with the separation but she never specified anything as far as filling for divorce. I know it's coming, it's a fact, but she was kind of cryptic. Anyway. I said 3 months no contact so I'll keep my end of the deal. Come September we will begin the process. Although it seems that surely she will contact me again. I have a feeling she is trying to get me to chase her...the more I chase her the faster she can run. I have no reason to. I'm doing ok. The email sent me on a bit of a tailspin but I'm past it. Have been going to the gym for 1 week and a half now. It's really helping. I'm planning my future but we have to sell the house first. I'm worried about that. She is making plans to get an apartment and all, but she seems to not realize she has to continue paying part of the mortgage as long as the house isn't sold.

[AudentesFortuna]

The email and events leading up to it have been quite the eye openers. On Friday, before I received the email I got together with her brother (my best friend) for some coffee for a few hours. Although I tried to avoid it, eventually the conversation went to her and I. He had met with her the night before for a few hours. Although he never said what she was doing, he just kept saying that "she is asking the right questions" and so was I. I still told him it was over but he was all "No, no, give it time. She is asking the right questions". Like an idiot I fell for it. The little glimmer of hope that perhaps the separation was doing something. I should have known better. As soon as I left him to go meet a friend, wham, the email comes in that sends me into a tailspin for 24 hours. It was a shock because I had just had the "glimmer of hope" just a few minutes before. I let him know and he was shocked too. After a few hours it hit me, she manipulated HIM as she did to ME all these years! She tells everyone what they want to hear and everyone buys it. I always knew it but never really accepted it. But here it was so different to see her doing it to someone else.

 

This also brings the issue of my best friend, my wife's brother. I knew him before I dated her and I will know him for the rest of my life. As such, he will also always be my connection to her. Have to be careful with that. I've told him to not tell me about her and her about me...but he always ends up telling me stuff and I'm sure with her as well. I have to put my foot down with him as far as he telling me about her. Not only that, but I have to keep in the dark a bit about my life right now as well. I don't want him telling her everything I'm doing/going through. It's going to be tough. He is my best friend, but he has to help me a bit here.

[scaredandalone1223]

If you are still wanting your marriage to work don't give up hope!

 

From personal experience I can say that a separation to work on one's own issues can work miracles. My husband and I separated for a month last year and were headed for divorce. I, like your wife, told him it was over. He was still my best friend and I loved him, I just didn't feel I was in love with him like I needed to be. I didn't have other men I was chatting with like your wife and I would never think of sending another man nude photos. I did, however, have an 'affair with the idea' that my freedom would open up this great new world. That I could go hang out and have fun and do all these wonderful things that I somehow felt like I was robbed of by being married and raising a family through my 20's. And I did believe at some point I would find this great other Mr. Romeo that shared all my same interests and we would have a fairytale courtship with all the butterflies I had missed out on before my husband and I married and live this great happily ever after. Glad I realized really quickly that I had my Romeo, that I hadn't missed out on anything, that we did share most of the same interests, that our core fundamentals were the same and our future dreams we very much on the same page! I'm no professional therapist but I think the depression your wife went into because you guys can not easily have children is making her look to many places for happiness. She thinks by finding something new to do, someone new to be with it will make everything else o.k. It won't!! The issues are not with you or the marriage, they are her own personal, emotional issues that she must deal with and overcome. The sad thing is until she realizes that no amount of other's telling her or trying to help her is going to make any difference. She has to figure it out on her own and be ready to face those issues and work through them.

 

You say she has contacted you via email and your BIL says she is asking the right questions. These are both good signs. In my situation it only took a week for me to realize I had made the worst mistake of my life and no freedom was worth it if I didn't have my best friend, my husband, there to share it with me. She may be coming to the same realizations in her 2 weeks away.

 

Although I tried NC it was never really an option, we had children, and it wasn't the right path for us. Communication was always one of our strong points so we continued to communicate. Instead as I made changes, as I focused on my problems and what I was doing to correct them I shared these things with my husband.

 

MC was huge for us and IC counseling for me. I applaud you for going and whether your marriage works out or not it is a great thing. Your wife will hopefully open up to the idea as she begins to see things more clearly. A lot of things I worked through on my own. Meditation, lots of self improvement blogs and books, writing a journal and LS all helped tremendously but every dime we spent on counseling was well worth it. I may be in the minority here, but if your wife is making progress and reaching out to you I would suggest not staying firm on the 3 months of complete NC. My husband and I being best friends is very much what helped us make it back to each other as spouses.

 

As for the her wanting to see other guys and do whatever she wants for 3 months I do not feel that is going to help anything. You do not want to have a whole other world of emotional resentment if you guys do work things out. She is struggling emotional and until she deals with her depression none of those other things, especially a new man, are going to help. I just hope she sees that before making a date!

 

Separations aren't always the answer, but they can be very beneficial. The rewards upon reconciliation can be great! My husband and I better than ever now and I do not foresee anything putting a wedge between us like that again. It's sad it took that to wake me up but I'm extremely grateful to be awake now! AND the bonus....I finally got my butterflies and he still gives them to me regularly! Hopefully the same eye opener will happen with your wife.

 

Good Luck and if you have any questions please ask. Although there are quite a few major differences in our situations I see many similarities with where you wife is and where I was at the time.

[AudentesFortuna]

...but I think the depression your wife went into because you guys can not easily have children is making her look to many places for happiness. She thinks by finding something new to do, someone new to be with it will make everything else o.k. It won't!! The issues are not with you or the marriage, they are her own personal, emotional issues that she must deal with and overcome. The sad thing is until she realizes that no amount of other's telling her or trying to help her is going to make any difference. She has to figure it out on her own and be ready to face those issues and work through them.

 

I'm glad to hear your story worked out! This right here, you couldn't have put it better. Thank you. I never wanted to analyze her but this is the gist of her issues. I know it, her brother knows, she says she knows it but she only keeps talking about "not being in love" and never quite bringing the kids issue. How I wish she could see this. It would suck if she finally sees this years after we divorce and have moved on with our lives. She says she is seeing a counselor so we'll see how it goes in the next 10 weeks and time to come. We will have to interact for a while because of the house. I just hope she does keep up with the counselor.

 

You say she has contacted you via email and your BIL says she is asking the right questions. These are both good signs. In my situation it only took a week for me to realize I had made the worst mistake of my life and no freedom was worth it if I didn't have my best friend, my husband, there to share it with me. She may be coming to the same realizations in her 2 weeks away.

 

I can only pray and hope. My BIL said she was saying the right things but it also caught him by surprise that she would send me that email. He is still in shock about it. He said he didn't "read" that from their conversation.

 

Although I tried NC it was never really an option, we had children, and it wasn't the right path for us. Communication was always one of our strong points so we continued to communicate. Instead as I made changes, as I focused on my problems and what I was doing to correct them I shared these things with my husband.

 

Communication is our problem. I thought it wasn't but I was just in denial. Since she would always accuse me of neediness I wouldn't push her on our issues trying to prove to her I wasn't needy. When I did push, she would just tell me what I wanted to hear to get me to shut up. She did it to the very end. The day she told me she wanted the divorce, in the morning she had told me that she wanted to tried MC. That was the morning. She went to visit her family and when she came back she just told me she couldn't do it anymore and wasn't coming back. I asked her why had agreed to counseling in the morning? She said I was crying and she didn't know what else to tell me.

 

MC was huge for us and IC counseling for me. I applaud you for going and whether your marriage works out or not it is a great thing. Your wife will hopefully open up to the idea as she begins to see things more clearly. A lot of things I worked through on my own. Meditation, lots of self improvement blogs and books, writing a journal and LS all helped tremendously but every dime we spent on counseling was well worth it. I may be in the minority here, but if your wife is making progress and reaching out to you I would suggest not staying firm on the 3 months of complete NC. My husband and I being best friends is very much what helped us make it back to each other as spouses.

 

From your keyboard to God's (and her) ears. My wife told me it was hurting her to do this because I was her best friend. I love reading boards like LS but 1,000 people give you 1,000 different opinions. I have heard them all. I'm confused. I might break NC if my counselor advices it or I get something from her other then "I'm sorry for feeling the way I do but I can't help it" and "I'll know it will be hard to get through this". I'm counting on her having a counselor appointment sometime in the next 10 weeks and if she goes open minded and has a breakthrough, hopefully she'll let me know. I'm doing lots of self-improvement but I don't know if she is. Only she can help herself now.

 

As for the her wanting to see other guys and do whatever she wants for 3 months I do not feel that is going to help anything. You do not want to have a whole other world of emotional resentment if you guys do work things out. She is struggling emotional and until she deals with her depression none of those other things, especially a new man, are going to help. I just hope she sees that before making a date!

 

Yeah, that was an emotional decision. From what I know she is not doing those things. Her lasts words to me before the separation were that she wanted to be on her own and prove to herself and others that she could take care of herself. Don't know what that means. Her flirting around with guys online had a sense of danger and excitement because of the secrecy. Now that the secrecy is gone, so is the thrill probably. From what I know, she is not but who knows. I don't know what to expect from her anymore. Whether she is still talking to the online guys, I don't know. I do know that if she is, then all is for naught as I she probably won't make any breakthroughs.

 

Separations aren't always the answer, but they can be very beneficial. The rewards upon reconciliation can be great! My husband and I better than ever now and I do not foresee anything putting a wedge between us like that again. It's sad it took that to wake me up but I'm extremely grateful to be awake now! AND the bonus....I finally got my butterflies and he still gives them to me regularly! Hopefully the same eye opener will happen with your wife.

 

Good Luck and if you have any questions please ask. Although there are quite a few major differences in our situations I see many similarities with where you wife is and where I was at the time.

 

I wish I could let the excitement of your story into my heart. I wish I could let hope into my heart. The only hope there is what is left over before I let it all out. I'm moving forward. I don't want to set my heart for more pain. I'll have enough of it in the next few years. Thanks for your story though. It was uplifting at least for a few minutes. I'm not giving up completely, but I have to move forward.

[scaredandalone1223]

Yes, I can't emphasize strongly enough to keep moving toward. And I should also maybe clarify what I said about NC. I did not mean for you to start calling her, or begging her to come home in any way, or anything like that. I meant if she opened up some and began talking honestly and openly not to close the door just because the 3 months isn't up.

 

If she hasn't made a move on anyone else and she is starting to deal with the other issues at hand then little by little she is moving in the right direction.

 

Her wanting to prove she can take care of herself, to prove to herself and others she can....almost those exact words came out of my mouth! I went from living at home with my parents, my overly strict parents, to living with my husband with a newborn soon after! When I was wanting my 'freedom' so badly part of it was to show everyone I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I wanted to support myself which meant me and me alone would decide what I could do, where I could go and when And I would have to answer to noone.

 

You will unfortunately get a 1000 different stories, with 1000 different pieces of advice because everyone's situation is different. The same things do not work the same for everyone. So many of the words your wife spoke though are the same ones I did and I do see some hope, some positives for you guys.

 

Prepare for the worst but hope for the best. That is about the best thing you can do now.

[AudentesFortuna]

Thanks! I'm not closing any doors. If she contacts me with real breakthroughs before the 3 months, I'll engage her. I just won't engage her "I hope you are ok" emails.

 

I'll see what tomorrow brings...

[Woggle]

If you don't have any kids why do you even want her? Why put yourself through this kind of stress for a woman that has no appreciation whatsoever for what she has? If she wants to be on her own let her and live your life happily on your own as well. Even if she does take you back chances are the same cycle will repeat itself in a few years and if you two do happen to have kids there will be a broken home. It is much easier for a man to wash his hands completely of a woman if there are no kids. You have to realize you can live a happy life without her.

 

I wish men in general would stop trying so hard to make it work with these women. Let them go and when they realize life on their own is not some 24/7 SATC episode tell them too bad. That is why I have told him that if even hints at the idea of seperation she better truly mean it because there is no turning back after that.