My Story: 1 week into separation

[AudentesFortuna]

Today is finally the my first counseling appointment. Days are such rollercoasters, morning/noon is the worst time of the day. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have all of this be over. So much to go through still, separating accounts, selling house, waiting for divorce to be final. Sucks. Yesterday I cried for the 1st time in over 2 weeks. I feel like I want to cry at times but nothing comes out.

[BetterDays]

Today is finally the my first counseling appointment. Days are such rollercoasters, morning/noon is the worst time of the day. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have all of this be over. So much to go through still, separating accounts, selling house, waiting for divorce to be final. Sucks. Yesterday I cried for the 1st time in over 2 weeks. I feel like I want to cry at times but nothing comes out.

 

It's a tough situation. I'm going to be moving out soon. Half of me is looking forward to it because I'm tired of not being happy and it's time to me to move on. The other half is absolutely destroyed and feel like she took all my dreams and said "screw you, you don't get to have your dreams any more!"

 

She's the one that wants the separation, so she should move out. But, in our financial situation it's much better if I leave her with the house and all the bills.

 

But, anyway, I feel for ya, man. I know what it feels like to be on the fence. Half of you wants to get back together and the other half says "no way!" I think you'll get an equal amount of opinions telling you to go one way or the other... but, ultimately it's you and her who make that decision. No one can tell what the future holds. It's all a guessing game really. But, I do think you're going about things the right way with NC in this instance.

 

I hope you get what you want and that it works out the way you want it to, either way.

[AudentesFortuna]

It's a tough situation. I'm going to be moving out soon. Half of me is looking forward to it because I'm tired of not being happy and it's time to me to move on. The other half is absolutely destroyed and feel like she took all my dreams and said "screw you, you don't get to have your dreams any more!"

 

She's the one that wants the separation, so she should move out. But, in our financial situation it's much better if I leave her with the house and all the bills.

 

But, anyway, I feel for ya, man. I know what it feels like to be on the fence. Half of you wants to get back together and the other half says "no way!" I think you'll get an equal amount of opinions telling you to go one way or the other... but, ultimately it's you and her who make that decision. No one can tell what the future holds. It's all a guessing game really. But, I do think you're going about things the right way with NC in this instance.

 

I hope you get what you want and that it works out the way you want it to, either way.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Good luck to you as well.

[AudentesFortuna]

Yesterday I had my first counseling appointment since she asked for divorce. It went really well. My counselor feels that I'm doing all the right things: keeping busy, embracing family/friends, counseling, she loves that I'm going the gym and made it a goal to get in shape. I was surprised when she told me bluntly not be surprised if when I get in shape my stbx sees me and wants back in. I'm also starting an 8-week co-dependency group class on Monday.

 

She also opened my eyes to a couple of things. She told me that from the beginning, she saw that our marriage was more like a friendship than a true marriage. That I became a care-giver but never a husband. I asked her if it was possible to change the relationship and she told me that she was confident I could make the switch, but didn't know if my wife was. That is up to her. Oddly, it made me feel good although it pretty much told me that my wife is probably no where near that stage where we can work it out. Very eye opening. Of course, we can't know what is going on my wife's head. Very interesting. Just have to hang in there.

[BetterDays]

Yesterday I had my first counseling appointment since she asked for divorce. It went really well. My counselor feels that I'm doing all the right things: keeping busy, embracing family/friends, counseling, she loves that I'm going the gym and made it a goal to get in shape. I was surprised when she told me bluntly not be surprised if when I get in shape my stbx sees me and wants back in. I'm also starting an 8-week co-dependency group class on Monday.

 

She also opened my eyes to a couple of things. She told me that from the beginning, she saw that our marriage was more like a friendship than a true marriage. That I became a care-giver but never a husband. I asked her if it was possible to change the relationship and she told me that she was confident I could make the switch, but didn't know if my wife was. That is up to her. Oddly, it made me feel good although it pretty much told me that my wife is probably no where near that stage where we can work it out. Very eye opening. Of course, we can't know what is going on my wife's head. Very interesting. Just have to hang in there.

 

If your counseling experience is anything like mine you are going to find out a lot of things about your relationship that you didn't realize before after a few weeks. If your counselor is helping you move on instead of helping you try to get her back, there is a good chance that you won't even want to get back with her.

 

I'm working on moving on, myself. My counselor has opened my eyes to how messed up our relationship was. I knew there were problems but I never realized to what extent. I'm simply amazed at some of the things that I put up with but never realized it at the time.

 

I could possibly accept reconciliation but it would have to be on my terms.

 

It gets easier. Hang in there and lean on your support system.

[AudentesFortuna]

 

I could possibly accept reconciliation but it would have to be on my terms.

 

 

Yeah, my counselor mentioned that I might not want her back a few months from now. Who knows. Like you though, I'm already at the point where if she comes back, she has to come back under my conditions. Plain and simple. And that is why I'm pretty sure she is not coming back. This is the hardest thing ever, but somehow I do know that I'll be alright.

[BetterDays]

Yeah, my counselor mentioned that I might not want her back a few months from now. Who knows. Like you though, I'm already at the point where if she comes back, she has to come back under my conditions. Plain and simple. And that is why I'm pretty sure she is not coming back. This is the hardest thing ever, but somehow I do know that I'll be alright.

 

No matter what you're going to be okay. Emotional pain hurts like the worst physical pain but it will never kill you.

 

She is not the person that you married. This is not your fault. Do not beat yourself up over it.

 

You have your terms of reconciliation and stick with them! Do not get back together with her just because you miss her. Things need to change and she needs to do her part too! If not, it's going to be the same **** again, bro.

[BetterDays]

And you WILL be okay!!! Try to be good to yourself. I know how hard it is. I was in the depths of depression for about 6 months and am just recently coming out of it. I thought some really messed up things during that time. But, I am getting over them now and really ready to move on in my life. Life is good. You should LIVE it!!!

 

She didn't want to live it with you. The best thing you can do is show her that you know how to live without her!

[AudentesFortuna]

Wow, it has been one month since everything went to hell. It's amazing how emotions mess with your perception of time. Sometimes you feel that things happened yesterday and some other times you feel that one month felt like three. I'm a roller coaster of emotions but through it all, I have done great progress on myself. I started going to the gym 2 weeks ago and haven't missed a day. One hour of cardio every day. I have no idea where I get the energy to do it. I have some horrible days and still, one hour of cardio. It's gotten to the point where I'm actually looking forward to it. I have bought new clothes, seen the counselor, today I start group therapy classes and some meditation classes this Wednesday. I have also arranged to volunteer at the local food bank. I'm really taking care of myself, I have even had some good times in between and some real laughs. The whole thing is still on the back of my head, she is still in my thoughts constantly. I have not talked to her since we began the 3 month NC separation on June 3rd. She has contacted me once through email and I didn't answer. Just an email to alleviate her guilt. Last Thursday she came to the house when I wasn't there. My SIL was home and she told me all about it. Just more of the same. It sent me on yet another half day tailspin but I recovered. It triggered so many emotions to hear, even second hand, that she still saying the same things. Through it all, I'm growing and beginning to see our marriage in a whole new way. I'm moving forward. 100% full steam ahead. I'm a different man and I will be ok. I will be healthier physically and mentally but it will be for me. I'm moving forward with or without her although I would prefer it be with her.

 

So here is where I need some other perspectives. I'm the one that implement the 3 month NC separation. One month in, I feel that there are some things I wish to tell her. I have realized a lot of things in one month. I am told by her family that she is confused and they feel she in the fence about the whole thing. I don't know whether this is true or not. It might not even matter. Her brother feels that I should say what I have to say regardless of the NC. I don't want to approach this as me trying to convince her of anything. Just to say some things that might help make her decision more concrete either way. Even an extra month or two to sell the house might be helpful and will help me truly move on sooner. My one fear is that I reach out to her and she won't come to talk. I don't know how I would handle that. The negative person in me feels that if I don't say something the door on reconciliation might be closed...but realistically, we have a house, joint accounts, etc, and divorces in California take forever. There will be plenty of time to talk. Also, I found out she has her first counseling appointment on July 15. I don't know if I should talk to her before or after. I don't know if that would make any difference. Any one have any advice?

[imagine]

You need to heal. You wont do this in these circumstances.

 

I recommend that you look up what Plan B is all about in the articles of the marriagebuilders site.

[AudentesFortuna]

You need to heal. You wont do this in these circumstances.

 

I recommend that you look up what Plan B is all about in the articles of the marriagebuilders site.

 

I understand I won't fully start healing until everything is done with (divorce, selling house, settling debts, dividing assets, etc). I'm trying to deal with the here and now. Since the NC separation started everything regarding the relationship just stopped. I just want to decide whether I should go through with the remaining 2 months of the separation or just begin with the divorce process.

[BetterDays]

I understand I won't fully start healing until everything is done with (divorce, selling house, settling debts, dividing assets, etc). I'm trying to deal with the here and now. Since the NC separation started everything regarding the relationship just stopped. I just want to decide whether I should go through with the remaining 2 months of the separation or just begin with the divorce process.

 

You and me both. Last night I was so pissed off if there was a 24 hour divorce shack I would have been there.

 

Hang in there, man. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and will treat you right.

 

I'm on the fence about if I should try to contact my wife or not right now because, like you, I have things I want to say to her. I haven't seen her in days.

[AudentesFortuna]

You and me both. Last night I was so pissed off if there was a 24 hour divorce shack I would have been there.

 

Hang in there, man. You deserve to be with someone who loves you and will treat you right.

 

I'm on the fence about if I should try to contact my wife or not right now because, like you, I have things I want to say to her. I haven't seen her in days.

 

Thanks. I think I'll stick with no contact for now. I'll go to a couple more counseling sessions and see hoe it goes.

[AudentesFortuna]

I have dropped 10 pounds in 3 weeks at the gym! I don't know where I'm finding that extra gear, but 45 to 60 minutes of cardio every day, no matter what. The "no matter what" part is the one that has me impressed. Even during the darkest days, even after the breakdowns, I go to the gym. I'm proud of myself for that.

 

No new news in the separation front. She hasn't done/said/sent anything. Not that I know anyway. I am beginning to know myself better, I'm beginning to understand the whole co-dependency and low self-esteem stuff. Very eye opening.

 

Lately, I keep asking myself "Why do I want her back?". I have no answer to that yet. If I say "Love" then the whole co-dependency stuff creeps up. There was love there, I have no doubt, but the very foundation of our marriage was so weak. I don't think we can fix our old marriage, I think we would have to start a whole new one. Does that make sense? I can do it, I know I can, but her? I don't know. I just have to get past the feeling that I'll be alone forever. I have to continue improving myself. I'll be ok.

[ver13]

Yes you will be okay my friend,Yes you will it's all a matter of time. Just remember that we come in the world all by ourselves and when we leave it wil be the same way, all you have is right now. The key is to always have your bag's packed ie... No true regrets in your personsl relationships, they are all that matters in the end. You have done all that you can do with this woman at this time and that's all that really counts. With that said keep walking forward and keep your eye's up off the ground. There are way to many things to see it's time to stop tripping over your feet.

[jstobo]

I have dropped 10 pounds in 3 weeks at the gym! I don't know where I'm finding that extra gear, but 45 to 60 minutes of cardio every day, no matter what. The "no matter what" part is the one that has me impressed. Even during the darkest days, even after the breakdowns, I go to the gym. I'm proud of myself for that.

 

I just have to get past the feeling that I'll be alone forever. I have to continue improving myself. I'll be ok.

 

Trust me, you will not be alone forever. I got in shape and lost 25 pounds. When I started feeling better and started having fun again, I put 10 pounds back on. I must be at my perfect weight now, because I suddenly have a lot of great opportunities. I've been in separate homes for 3 1/2 months and D day was 8 months ago. So you still have a ways to go. I became really ready to date about two weeks ago. I've been trying to date for about 4 months, but I just wasn't ready. A fricken satellite signal must have been sent out when my body AND mind became ready, because I have been contacted a lot over the past couple of weeks. Strange but good. Hang in there, you are doing AMAZING!!!!

[scaredandalone1223]

I know this goes against most of what you've heard here but I firmly believe if you have something to say you need to say it! I don't mean begging or pleading for her to come home but if you have things that relate to the marriage that need to be said then bottling them up to live up to a three month time frame may do more damage than good.

 

I tried to NC which with kids was actually LC and it did not work! The only way my husband and I worked through things was to talk about our feelings....COMMUNICATION is the key to a healthy relationship and unless she tells you she doesn't want to hear what you have to say I believe it is worth a shot.

 

When my husband and I were separated when he would stop to see the kids he and I would usually talk for an hour or so. We talked about the positives of trying to reconcile and the negatives. Sure there were some tears but not crying and begging. We would talk and then he would go back to where he was living giving us each time to digest the conversations and search within ourselves for more answers.

 

After doing this for a time I finally told him that he a decision had to be made to move back or start divorce proceedings. I refused to start trying to build a life on my own only to have him come up 2 months later and say let's give this another go. By the same token I refused to pour all my effort into working to help our marriage with him living elsewhere only to come up 2 months laster and say you know what this really his over let's move toward divorce.

 

I'm not a fan of ultimatums and I am a strong fan of bettering yourself and working to make yourself happy first but with that I believe you have a right to know which direction you need to be working in. If you are ready to push for a divorce and that is the route you think will be best then no do not contact her. If you want to put effort into the marriage then I believe she needs to hear what you have to say. Work on YOU most definitely first and foremost but you're on a new road here and you need to know which direction your driving in to get you to your destination.

[tornintexas]

I just have to get past the feeling that I'll be alone forever. I have to continue improving myself. I'll be ok.

 

You will only be alone forever if you choose to be. I know it's cliche but it is the freaking truth.

[AudentesFortuna]

I know this goes against most of what you've heard here but I firmly believe if you have something to say you need to say it! I don't mean begging or pleading for her to come home but if you have things that relate to the marriage that need to be said then bottling them up to live up to a three month time frame may do more damage than good.

 

I tried to NC which with kids was actually LC and it did not work! The only way my husband and I worked through things was to talk about our feelings....COMMUNICATION is the key to a healthy relationship and unless she tells you she doesn't want to hear what you have to say I believe it is worth a shot.

 

When my husband and I were separated when he would stop to see the kids he and I would usually talk for an hour or so. We talked about the positives of trying to reconcile and the negatives. Sure there were some tears but not crying and begging. We would talk and then he would go back to where he was living giving us each time to digest the conversations and search within ourselves for more answers.

 

After doing this for a time I finally told him that he a decision had to be made to move back or start divorce proceedings. I refused to start trying to build a life on my own only to have him come up 2 months later and say let's give this another go. By the same token I refused to pour all my effort into working to help our marriage with him living elsewhere only to come up 2 months laster and say you know what this really his over let's move toward divorce.

 

I'm not a fan of ultimatums and I am a strong fan of bettering yourself and working to make yourself happy first but with that I believe you have a right to know which direction you need to be working in. If you are ready to push for a divorce and that is the route you think will be best then no do not contact her. If you want to put effort into the marriage then I believe she needs to hear what you have to say. Work on YOU most definitely first and foremost but you're on a new road here and you need to know which direction your driving in to get you to your destination.

 

Thanks for the advice, I will take it under consideration. I'm still willing to work on our marriage but from what I hear, she says her mind is set. I don't want to waste time and emotion pouring my heart out to a wall. I hear she is hurting (having problems with her family where she is living) and this week I got so ANGRY. I don't want to talk to her angry. I might give it another week see how it goes. You are right though, if we are ultimately heading for a divorce, we should just go ahead with it. I don't know what two more months of NC will accomplish. One thing though, she has her first individual counseling session on July 15th, I was thinking of talking to her after the appointment. Perhaps she will see things a bit different.

[AudentesFortuna]

After weeks of sadness, hopelessness and some progress with myself, anger arrived today. In a big way. I got so angry. Cried for like an hour...but no sadness. Just anger. Angry at her, angry at the situation, angry at the way she is handling this. I don't want to make any harsh decisions so I'll calm down for a few days and reevaluate. See if I want to end separation and just start the divorce.

[BeavisMom62]

.

The house really kills me. Just bought it on November 2010 and here we have to sell it 7 months later. That will be something that will keep us tied together until it sells. Could take months to a year. I just want everything over with. Need to move on with my life, change of scenery. Stop worrying about will she/won't she.

 

I know this isn't really your issue right now, but something to keep in your mind. It might be next to impossible to sell your house with the economy being the way it is. Or you could sell it,but probably won't get what you owe on it, which means unless you do a short sale or something, the both of you are going to have to come up with the balance on the loan. And yes, as you said, another thing that will keep you tied together. What a bummer. My STBX and I have a house, but he's unemployed and I'm leaving. I've had to file for bankruptcy because I know that the house is going to be a big issue. I feel bad for leaving him with the house, which is in foreclosure as we speak, while I am protected by bankruptcy. But sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. Best of luck with you. Stay strong.

[AudentesFortuna]

Last week, I felt angry for the first time since the separation. I have been shocked, sad, in denial but not yet angry. Well, it came like a storm last Friday/Saturday. It started Friday, I just began getting angry about what she was doing and how she was doing it. The whole day it just filled my body. Then on saturday morning, it just exploded. I was driving back from dropping off a friend at the airport and I just started crying. It was definitely not sad tears, it was angry tears. I cried the whole way back home. I went to the gym, I thought it was over but I had to cut it short because it came again and this time it lasted for about an hour. I was just so angry with her. I cried and cried. Thank God my sister in law was there to console me.

 

In one month's time I have gone through a lot. I have come to understand a lot how this marriage developed and why/when the cracks formed. I don't even know if my marriage is salvageable. I am so different than I was a month ago. This new me doesn't even know if I truly love my wife. I miss her, I was used to her, but I don't know that I could ever see her the same. The type of commitment I would have to see from her for me to believe we can work it out is so much more than I have ever seen from her.

 

I am still sorting through my feelings. Trying to understand what is love and what is missing someone just because you spent 11 years together. Trying to separate through love from co-dependency. Trying to understand that the last 1.5 years have been rough. I miss her yet everyday I realize that we were not moving forward. What kills me is that she said she's been feeling like this for years now. YEARS. Damn it. Why go through with buying the house? What was real and what was she faking it? We took a trip to Zion National Park and a year later she tells me she hated it. She didn't want to do it but she did enjoy some of it. Why string me along like that? Our marriage could never continue the way it was. It would have to be a whole new marriage.

 

Sigh. I just want to be done with everything.

[tornintexas]

I am still sorting through my feelings.

 

Our stories are similar in many facets, and I really do understand the emotional roller coaster your on. This is a crazy train and the tickets cost us dearly.

 

Somebody told me at the beginning to just hold on and realize that the ride does eventually level out and come to an end. I'm seeing that now and I pray you do too. We will survive this and be a better people for it.

[Beginingoftheend]

Im 4 days into a seperation that was her choice. You have come a long way and you have inspired me. I too am an emotional wreck. No sleep or food in 5 days now. But you have given me hope, and ideas, and courage. Some of the things youve done make so much sense from 3rd party perspective, but to recognize the right thing to doin the moment is so hard. I have two baby girls, 3 and 1, so I must stay in contact. But know this, you didnt fix anything for me, no one can but me, and the same goes for you. But your words will forever be in my mind. I will always remember the story of the man that gave me some of the best advice. Though it was not your intention your strife has helped others. Im scared to death but have no dought we'll make it through for the better.

[AudentesFortuna]

Im 4 days into a seperation that was her choice. You have come a long way and you have inspired me. I too am an emotional wreck. No sleep or food in 5 days now. But you have given me hope, and ideas, and courage. Some of the things youve done make so much sense from 3rd party perspective, but to recognize the right thing to doin the moment is so hard. I have two baby girls, 3 and 1, so I must stay in contact. But know this, you didnt fix anything for me, no one can but me, and the same goes for you. But your words will forever be in my mind. I will always remember the story of the man that gave me some of the best advice. Though it was not your intention your strife has helped others. Im scared to death but have no dought we'll make it through for the better.

 

Thanks for the kind words. Hang in there, take care of yourself and take care of your kids. Be strong and somedays, do whatever it takes to survive.