Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 11, 2011 Author Share Posted August 11, 2011 I totally understand. I know you've read my thread and you know what I'm going through. I was doing ok and Fourth of July sent me in a week long tailspin. I came out of it and something happened last week that got me down. But it didn't send me in a tailspin, so I am at least recognizing the pain is less and I get over it sooner. I'm no where close to the other side. But if I can use a forest as an analogy; it was really really thick 5 months ago. Couldn't see light in any direction. I'm still not seeing the end of the forest, but I can at least see the direction I am supposed to go. Do your best to get through this week! Thanks for the encouragement. I might as well move the empty room where I cry everyday at work! This is tough...so very tough. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 15, 2011 Author Share Posted August 15, 2011 Had a great weekend. Took a trip to Sequoia National Park in California and it was awesome. I really needed that. Did lots of thinking, meditation, reading and hiking. Took some great photographs as well. I miss it so much now! I can't wait until the next time I can get away. The house sale is in full stride though. Had a lot of traffic on the open houses and there are two people that seemed very interested. I hope the house sells quickly. Other than that it's the usual, lots of thinking. Trying to train my brain to stop the "but"s and "what if"s. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 House is for sale, some people are showing interest. I'm losing weight, I'm getting out, hiking a lot, socializing a lot with friends, getting closer with family, reading tons of books, journal writing, counseling...yet my mind and heart still give her way too much time and energy. It sucks! I just think about her constantly and then to think that she is probably all happy talking to her online boyfriends...it just drives me crazy. I don't know how I make it sometimes. She hasn't filed for divorce yet...I know I should but then again I can't bring myself to do it. As much progress as I've made, things are still very hard. I find myself lonely, angry, frustrated throughout the day and week. I just want peace... Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 One book that took the power off of humans gave it back to me and made me feel so much better about life was: Taming Your Outer Child. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 I am having a tough week. Ever since the house was put up for sale two weeks ago it opened up this flow of emotions. I have made a breakthrough of sorts, I don't know what it means though. I keep obsessing about her being with other guys. I keep obsessing about her in a sexual way. Not that I'm fantasizing about her, but I just keep obsessing about her having sex with other guys. In my head, her sexuality is so over idealized right now. I see her as so sexy and hot. She is when she wants to be, but she is not as hot and sexy as she is my head right now. I just can't stop thinking about her being with others guys. It's not even about our life together, our dreams, our feelings, our "love". It's all about sex right now. I feel like I felt in college as an awkward "adult". I'd fall for someone and I'd obsess over her. I'm obsessing about my stbx. I can't ****ing believe it. I'm obsession about my stbx! I feel so ****ing horrible right now...I was doing so well. Link to post Share on other sites
worldgonewrong Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I go through the same waves of thinking,AF. It's normal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 I'm beginning to understand my feelings better but still having a hard time getting a hold of them and stopping them from messing with my head. Today for example, I feel guilty once again. I try to stop it but a thought or something she said gets a hold me and drags me down. I know, I KNOW, it wasn't my fault but I keep hearing her "reasons" for leaving and I can't help but go into could-have-would-have-should-have mode. I hate it. I'm making some progress though. At least I'm recognizing my thinking patterns, I'm just having trouble doing something to stop them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted August 30, 2011 Author Share Posted August 30, 2011 One book that took the power off of humans gave it back to me and made me feel so much better about life was: Taming Your Outer Child. Hey DOT, I got the book and I'm beginning to read it. All I have to say is: (imitating Keanu Reeves): WHOA. Very interesting stuff. Can't wait to finish it. Link to post Share on other sites
Saul Goodman Posted August 30, 2011 Share Posted August 30, 2011 (edited) I'm beginning to understand my feelings better but still having a hard time getting a hold of them and stopping them from messing with my head. Today for example, I feel guilty once again. I try to stop it but a thought or something she said gets a hold me and drags me down. I know, I KNOW, it wasn't my fault but I keep hearing her "reasons" for leaving and I can't help but go into could-have-would-have-should-have mode. I hate it. I'm making some progress though. At least I'm recognizing my thinking patterns, I'm just having trouble doing something to stop them. I know you mean. I remember my second girlfriend. I was with her for two years. She broke up with me and started seeing another guy about a day later. She was going on about how I had neglected and disrespected her throughout the relationship. And honestly, I felt like a real b_stard. Then I found out that she had been seeing this other guy for the entire duration of our relationship and was just feeling guilty. She dealt with her guilt by laying it onto me. At the time, I looked at the situation with a lot of bitterness since we had both agreed to be exclusive from the very start. Now, I just think "man, life can be really f__ked up sometimes" and laugh. Time on its own, won't get rid of these thoughts. Using that time for introspection, using that time to make yourself a better and stronger person...that is time well spent IMO. Edited August 30, 2011 by Saul Goodman Link to post Share on other sites
robf1971 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 I see her as so sexy and hot. . Only because you can't have her, we all want what we can't have. Just think about it like this, there are thousands, nay millions of women out there just as hot and sexy as your wife. The sad irony of it is, once you start going with one your wife will want you back.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted October 4, 2011 Author Share Posted October 4, 2011 I guess it's good that my ex and I have not talked at all for 3 months now. Just a couple of very business like texts about the house. Even though 4 months ago she asked for a divorce and insisted we do it right away, here we are and she has not filed...so, I will be filling the paperwork today and serving her on Monday. I was resisting having to do it myself because I knew how complicated and stressful it can be but I need to take control of my life. The courthouse offers a workshop where they help you fill out the paperwork and I spent 8 hours there last week filling out the papers. My head was pounding at the end but now it's done. I just wish for her to sign off and we will be done with that. The house hasn't sold. Had a few offers but they were too low. I'm ready for the long haul and figure it will be a year before the house sells. I still expect her to stop paying her share soon. I'm ready for that. I have more good days than bad days now. I have come to accept lots of things. I miss her but each day I understand what happened more and more. At the same time, I realize I will never know everything and deep down I'm ok with that. Somethings are never meant to be understood, just accepted. I have seen my counselor, have participated in a support group for co-dependency and I'm currently in a support group for divorce care. I have lost 35 pounds since she left me, have taken a class at the local community college. I have even become an artist of sorts and started a few art projects I will finish soon! I take care of myself. I buy nice clothes, even splurged on a fancy watch! I go to the movies a lot, by myself mostly but I like it! It's nice to be seating down, read about a movie and right there and then go see it without having to worry about anything else. It's quite nice! I'm reading a lot. Some self-help and some novels. I write in my journal as much as possible. I have embraced my family and true friends. They have been the reason I'm ok. Their love and support have kept me afloat. I have found a passion for hiking like never before. I have done many 10 mile hikes, I have visited 3 National Parks. I want to continue losing weight and get fit so I can start backpacking in the Spring. Nature and hiking have saved me. I took a trip to Sequoia National Park and that was a turning point. I was touched. It was beautiful and peaceful. I sat on top of a hill, overlooking the valley, trees and mountains for miles and this sense of calm came over me. I felt that everything was alright and everything would be alright. All was alright with the world at that moment. I have taken many weekend trips and this winter I'm going to Europe for 2 weeks! I have such a long way to go and I fully understand that sad and dark days are still ahead. Some hours and some days are still so sad and stressful. I still break down now and then and ask why things happened the way they did. I still long for her at times and worry about the future when I find out she is married and/or pregnant. Not much I can do to prepare for that. I have not yet shed my last tear but now I know I can have control of my life and I can be happy again. Link to post Share on other sites
silic0ntoad Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 You are on the path bro. Congrats. A trip to Europe? Awesome. When you're feeling better, a trip to Thailand may help Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted October 13, 2011 Author Share Posted October 13, 2011 It has been an interesting, rough two weeks. Two weeks ago it was my nephew's 1st birthday. Family got together to get him a little cake that Monday night. It was awesome. After I left, my brother contacts me and lets me know that my stbx texted him the following: "Happy birthday to my beautiful nephew! Can you please send me a picture of him so I can see how big he's gotten?". OMG! My brother and his GF were pissed! Why the hell is she still referring to him as her nephew? How does that work? Is she not aware that she asked for a divorce and by leaving me she is leaving my family? She is not anymore and will never be his aunt. He is 1 year old, he will never remember her. I just don't get it. I didn't dwell on it, but I don't get it. The next day I filed for divorce and then I agonized for the next week about serving her the documents. I want to keep everything civil as it has been. She is the one that was supposed to file but she never did and I had to take it upon myself to do it. The last thing I wanted was to wait around for her to file. I didn't know how she would handle that so I was afraid how she would react to being served. Anyway, I hired a process server and just before they left to serve her I sent her an email letting her know the docs where on the way. Never got a reply to the email or text. I didn't expect a reply but I won't lie, part of me still hopes for a friendly reply that might lead to reconciliation. Not going to happen. I'm ok with that but my heart feels what it feels. She was served on Monday night and Tuesday night we got a really good cash offer for the house that we will take. That means the house sold. In 3 months. I was expecting it to take a year or longer but no, the house sold. It all hit me so hard. Serving the papers and realizing that the house sold really hit me hard. Broke down in my car in some parking lot. So overwhelming. I knew it was over but these things just makes it more real than ever. It's over. I'm sad, anxious, hopeful. I'm not destroyed or devastated, I'm past that. It's just...sad. Working through a lot of emotions. Her last text was an "I agree" about taking the offer to the house. Part of me is so damn resentful that she made this mess and I was the one that had to do the hard stuff. I had to financially carry the house, keep it clean and tiddy, schedule open houses, schedule visits, arrange paperwork. I had to live in that house with all the memories every day. I had to prepare divorce paperwork, I had to file, I had to serve her. I had to do everything to giver HER what she wanted while she just sat in her new apartment doing whatever. That pisses me off to no end. That anger and resentment will be let go by me soon. I had to do all those things for me. It was what she wanted but this is all for me and me only. I'm having a bad week but it will pass. It's all so bittersweet at this moment. Link to post Share on other sites
jaymz Posted October 13, 2011 Share Posted October 13, 2011 It has been an interesting, rough two weeks. Two weeks ago it was my nephew's 1st birthday. Family got together to get him a little cake that Monday night. It was awesome. After I left, my brother contacts me and lets me know that my stbx texted him the following: "Happy birthday to my beautiful nephew! Can you please send me a picture of him so I can see how big he's gotten?". OMG! My brother and his GF were pissed! Why the hell is she still referring to him as her nephew? How does that work? Is she not aware that she asked for a divorce and by leaving me she is leaving my family? She is not anymore and will never be his aunt. He is 1 year old, he will never remember her. I just don't get it. I didn't dwell on it, but I don't get it. She is either playing being the "good girl" or still needs the emotional feeding from being part of your family. She will soon realise the consequences of her actions. The next day I filed for divorce and then I agonized for the next week about serving her the documents. I want to keep everything civil as it has been. She is the one that was supposed to file but she never did and I had to take it upon myself to do it. The last thing I wanted was to wait around for her to file. I didn't know how she would handle that so I was afraid how she would react to being served. Anyway, I hired a process server and just before they left to serve her I sent her an email letting her know the docs where on the way. Never got a reply to the email or text. I didn't expect a reply but I won't lie, part of me still hopes for a friendly reply that might lead to reconciliation. Not going to happen. I'm ok with that but my heart feels what it feels. NC is there for a very good reason. Its hard to do but it does work. Why worry about her being served? Your giving her exactly what she wants. She was served on Monday night and Tuesday night we got a really good cash offer for the house that we will take. That means the house sold. In 3 months. I was expecting it to take a year or longer but no, the house sold. It all hit me so hard. Serving the papers and realizing that the house sold really hit me hard. Broke down in my car in some parking lot. So overwhelming. I knew it was over but these things just makes it more real than ever. It's over. I'm sad, anxious, hopeful. I'm not destroyed or devastated, I'm past that. It's just...sad. Working through a lot of emotions. Her last text was an "I agree" about taking the offer to the house. Out with the old and in with the new life. Its an adventure Part of me is so damn resentful that she made this mess and I was the one that had to do the hard stuff. I had to financially carry the house, keep it clean and tiddy, schedule open houses, schedule visits, arrange paperwork. I had to live in that house with all the memories every day. I had to prepare divorce paperwork, I had to file, I had to serve her. I had to do everything to giver HER what she wanted while she just sat in her new apartment doing whatever. That pisses me off to no end. That anger and resentment will be let go by me soon. I had to do all those things for me. It was what she wanted but this is all for me and me only. I'm having a bad week but it will pass. It's all so bittersweet at this moment. This is one of the hardest parts for me too. I did nothing wrong. But here I am paying for everything, living on one meal a day, seeing kids a few times a week while she has a new home, the kids, all our furniture, scumbag, the car, the holidays, out all the time etc. not a care in the world. Its a big sh*t sandwhich but its gotta be eaten. Once the divorce is done and the house sold, free to start again and find out who you are. It may not be the life you wanted, but accept it and make it even better. Have an adventure, have fun, be the kind guy, be the fun guy and who knows what is just around the corner.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 This is one of the hardest parts for me too. I did nothing wrong. But here I am paying for everything, living on one meal a day, seeing kids a few times a week while she has a new home, the kids, all our furniture, scumbag, the car, the holidays, out all the time etc. not a care in the world. Its a big sh*t sandwhich but its gotta be eaten. Once the divorce is done and the house sold, free to start again and find out who you are. It may not be the life you wanted, but accept it and make it even better. Have an adventure, have fun, be the kind guy, be the fun guy and who knows what is just around the corner.... Thanks jaymz! A few days removed from the events and I feel much better. Offer papers for the house are signed and it goes into escrow today. 30 days from now it will be sold and I'll get a nice chunk of change. As sad as everything is, I am excited for what's coming. For the first time in my life I am making an effort to direct my life where I want it to go. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 Thanks jaymz! A few days removed from the events and I feel much better. Offer papers for the house are signed and it goes into escrow today. 30 days from now it will be sold and I'll get a nice chunk of change. As sad as everything is, I am excited for what's coming. For the first time in my life I am making an effort to direct my life where I want it to go. Fudge. Buyer backed off the sale. ARGH! What really sucks is that I had found a nice place already and now I have to give it up. This sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted November 22, 2011 Author Share Posted November 22, 2011 Financial woes start...? Just got a text from the ex asking if she can deposit the money for her share of the mortgage and her car payment later than usual. She has been depositing the money on the last Thursday of every month when she gets paid. That payment covers the next month’s mortgage/her car/credit cards. It works well. So she texts me asking if she can deposit the money later in December. Gives no reason. The mortgage is due on the 1st but it can be pushed all the way to the 16th of the month without it being considered late. The car payment is due on the 20th. So I text her back that I will pay the mortgage and her car payment on December 15th and to please make sure the money is in the bank by then. Sounds reasonable right? She gets an extra 3 weeks to deposit the money. I can’t push it any further. A minute later I get a text saying exactly this: “Nevermind. ty. Have a happy thanksgiving. I wish you all well” WTF????? I really have no desire whatsoever to play these games. AT ALL. I’m not looking to screw her over but I cannot cover the entire mortgage, her car payment, my car payment and everything else by myself. Isn’t 3 more weeks a reasonable amount of time? She will get another paycheck plus her bonus from work as well. Was she expecting me to let her put the money at the end of December? Why didn’t she just say it? Ok, I’m over analyzing it....but my spidey sense is tingling. Sounds more like she is testing the waters. It's like she was testing me and then when I didn't give in much she went back to her manipulating ways. It’s funny how things have changed. Part of me still worries about her. Is she struggling that bad? That part of me wants to reach out and see what’s going on, see how I can help, you know, be that needy, co-dependent Knight in shiny armor. But the rest of me knows there is no point in that. Sure, she might open up a bit that would lead to nothing. She is still the one that made the decision to end this marriage. I will not let her use me. If she is struggling, it’s her own doing. Link to post Share on other sites
goldengirl86 Posted November 23, 2011 Share Posted November 23, 2011 Honey, its the right thing to do three months allows you enough time and her! The no contact is exactly what you need to separate from her. She is with the other guy now and if she changes her mind and comes back to you it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone else and then leaves again. She wants a baby too, and wants it the easy way! Hun you probably would not be able to get over this even if you did reconcile, think about all the bad stuff and stop remembering the good! As more often than not once things get bad they egnerally get worse. Good luck and you are so lucky to have your family and friends there the ones who truely love you. Give it time its going to hurt for a long time, i dont know how long but it will hurt. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted November 23, 2011 Author Share Posted November 23, 2011 Honey, its the right thing to do three months allows you enough time and her! The no contact is exactly what you need to separate from her. She is with the other guy now and if she changes her mind and comes back to you it will only be a matter of time before she finds someone else and then leaves again. She wants a baby too, and wants it the easy way! Hun you probably would not be able to get over this even if you did reconcile, think about all the bad stuff and stop remembering the good! As more often than not once things get bad they egnerally get worse. Good luck and you are so lucky to have your family and friends there the ones who truely love you. Give it time its going to hurt for a long time, i dont know how long but it will hurt. Hi GoldenGirl! Thanks for the kind words. It's now been 6 months since the separation started, divorce paperwork has been filled and signed. The only thing left really is selling the house. I have not talked to her in 4 months now. I'm moving on. There are more good days than bad but some days are pretty dark. It's ok. I've grown so much as a person and I know that in a few years I'll be over this completely. Always forward. Link to post Share on other sites
Author AudentesFortuna Posted January 8, 2012 Author Share Posted January 8, 2012 Went to Europe for 2 weeks and it was magnificent! Life changing, experience of a lifetime. At times I missed her terribly. However, when I got back home I discovered that she spent a week in Myrtle Beach, SC. That's where the guy she was talking to is from. The littlest bit of hope I had and the desire to reach out to her went out the window. I had moved on quite a bit already but this did it. I have seen her a couple of times since, dealing with house stuff. My walls are much bigger now. I knew I was ready to move on, now, now I feel it in my inner core. It still hurts like crazy but everything is crystal clear. Life is good for the most part now. Surprisingly good! Link to post Share on other sites
tornintexas Posted January 24, 2012 Share Posted January 24, 2012 Hey bro... I'm glad your expanding into this new world of ours. It's been a while but I finally returned to do a little loveshack reading. Good to see you made it. Our stories happened near the same time and I read yours as I chronicled mine. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted February 1, 2012 Share Posted February 1, 2012 Good for you - it's good to get busy living! Next time she asks for a delay in paying her share of monies - tell her NO! Essentially, she's asking you to give her extra time so she can fund her man hunting escapades- hence her trip to see her man. No need for YOU to carry her money for any reason. In fact, have her car put in HER name - that way when she chooses to pay it late - it only affects her credit, not yours. No extensions on money - tell her to keep up with her responsibility - it will end soon. Link to post Share on other sites
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