What Should I do?

[SGA]

I am an Asian and so is my bf. We are both in our mid 20's. We have been together for two years. In the two years of our relationship we have been through lots of ups and downs. He was sacked from his job and my parents did not like him so I moved out with him and then the place he was living at the Uncle did not like me so we had to move out again. Last 6 months have been pretty peaceful except for the occassional fights here and there.

 

Now he has got a very good job opportunity in Europe and will be moving away for good. I told him that we should end this relationship as it is not possible for both of us to migrate. Being Asians my parents would never approve of me moving with him without marriage and his parents do not want him to marry me. I told him that once he leaves this country we end here basically cause I do not see us together in future, I do love him and it hurts to just let him go like that. He on the other hand does not want to loose me and wants me to come visit him on holidays. I work and get only 14 days paid leave how many times can I travel and meet him in a year. I have tried explaining to him that it is very tough to maintain relationships on distance but he says he now wants to give me all the luxuries as he can now afford them with his new salary. I come from a well off family and am used to holidays and all this while he on the other hand did not till now earn that much to give me any luxuries. With his new job he would be able to afford all this. I in my frustration and anger have sometimes mentioned that we do not go to expensive restaurants and have complained to him about it. But now when I refuse to accept his offer of spending just holidays together he says that this is what I always wanted. I want to be around him through thick and thin, good and bad. I do not want luxury holidays alone. I want a balance of both. I want him to understand that I want to be there to hug him when he gets back from work and not just use his money. I wanted luxury holidays but not like this.

 

I do not know if this is clear but I feel so many different feelings. When I think about that the past it shakes me and makes me wonder if he is what I want. My heart says that I love him and loosing him would be tough. Should I let him go or take his offer for good holidays together. The reason his offering holidays is cause I told him once that all I do is cook and clean and take care of him. He does not seem to understand that I want to be taken care of for a change and not take care of someone. Luxury holidays does not mean I am being taken care of. How do I explain all this to him without hurting him? Is there another solution to this problem?

 

Pls help!

[Tony T]

You cannot have a relationship if you live in one country and he lives in another. If you remain friends and desire to visit him now and then, fine. The idea of going overseas for one or "good holidays together" with an ex boyfriend sounds pretty preposterous.

 

I know this is painful. But you are showing the most love you could possibly show by letting this man move on to further his career and his life. I don't think you need to sweeten things with the promise of visits that will eventually and surely interfere with the future personal relationships of both of you.

 

The break-up should be warm and friendly. Write him or send him Email once in a while to make sure he's OK. Let him know you will plan to visit him if that's possible but don't tie yourself down to a continued commitment with someone who simply won't be around for you.

 

Proably the best way to approach this is to see just how the two of you feel a few months after the move. But make no promises now. Just put in on hold for later review. This guy is simply asking to much of you if he wants you to sit idly waiting for holidays while he is working thousands of miles away. That just isn't fair or practical.

[Taressa]

Being romantic at heart I would like nothing better than to see you win against all odds, but my what odds you've stated. Without the support of your family, and with a history of "ups and downs", there just isn't much hope for a successful relationship.

 

The move overseas would isolate you from both friends and the supportive portion of your family. Alone, the differences that have plagued and been mis-communicated between you in the past would just magnify and separate you further.

 

I'm afraid there's no happy ending in sight other than the friendship you may tend to salvage.

 

I think your original decision to end the relationship once he moves was a wise one. It will hurt but it may prove the least hurtful to you both in the end.

 

For now, keep the opportunity open for future visits but don't make any certain plans. Use the sweetest gift of time to see what develops and what changes. Time will prove the depth and maturity of love you share.

[Mana]

I think the advice given here is wise, but I don't necessarily believe that long-distance relationships are not possible. I was in a long-distance relationship for over two years with a boyfriend that I only saw on holidays. It really made our relationship like a romantic novel. The problem that we experienced later when we evetually did live together was that the romance died, and the mundanities of everyday living became unbearable, and neither one of us were mature enough to survive the "post-romance" stage of the relationship. I do know other people that seem to do okay in these types of relationships though:

 

An American woman living in New York is married to an architect in London. He flies to New York once every two weeks! but the money that is spent on this.....

 

You seem to be a very down-to-Earth realistic person who is capable of seeing ahead. I am completely the opposite because I follow my feeling instead of my logic. Both ways of being have their good and bad points. If he really wanted to be with you, why couldn't he change directions?

 

This may seem like an unfair question, but why should you be the one to have to make the painful decision?

[SGA]

Thanks Tony, Taressa and Mana for your good advice. I really appreciate the way you all have thought. At least someone somewhere in the world feels I am doing the right thing.

 

What hurts more is that if he willing to take me along, all I have to do is ask my company to transfer me where he is going. My company has a branch in the same city as he would be in. But, he does not want that, he wants me to visit on holidays, and this is not acceptable what so ever to me. Makes me feel like I am someone's mistress and when he has time for me he shall spend it with me. I mean even if I was to agree to his solution, everytime we make plans for me to travel at the last moment he is gonna say "sorry my leave did not get approved" or "the work load is too heavy" and my heart is going to break each and every time. It is not just the actions of travelling but the HOPE that breaks that it really hurts. My stand is still to let this end for good now, although he is trying his best to make me change my mind.

 

As a further note I am back living at my home now and my parents are much more understanding and supportive of this relationship. Secondly, in Asian society it is the woman who invariably has to sacrifice not the MAN! Man is potrayed as some almighty in our society and he is brought up with this ego all his life.