Just separated - how soon is too soon to see other people

[in the dust]

My wife and I decided in the last few weeks to separate. If anyone is at fault for the failure of our 13 year marriage, would say i take the brunt of it. I am a quiet, laid back type of guy. I don't communicate well and in turn, I don't give her the verbal attention she wants and deserves. In addition, I have an extremely low sex drive - hers is on the far end of the spectrum. We went to some counselling over the last month and after that we both realized that we love each other but aren't "in love" with each other, she is my best friend. I loved her differently than any other person in my life but I guess that wasn't "in love." She is an beautiful woman, a fantastic mother to our children. Part of the problem was the fact that i never verbalized that to her. I didn't let her know how I felt. During our conselling, it came out that she had developed an intimate online relationship with a guy that lives out of the country and that it has been going on for a few months. She said that she had not been in love with me for a few years and she had begun the mourning process of our relationship a long time ago. I guess I realized that things were going south about 4 months ago and a few weeks ago is when we decided that we were going to do an inhouse separation and will most likely divorce later down the road. My mourning process is just beginning. . .

 

The question I would like your feedback on . . . .I know she likes this guy a lot, she talks to him daily and was doing so well before counselling and separation. I want her to be happy but things have gotten rough the last several days as this guy is coming to town in the next few weeks and she said she is meeting him. I know we are separated but it still hurts like hell. . . and i am jealous that she developed such an intense relationship while ours was falling apart. There is a lot to process in this situation and now the new guy is coming into the picture just a few weeks after we made any decisions. I've had a few weeks to start coping, she says she has been for much longer. . . .that doesn't make it any easier on me. I want her to be happy but am I justified in feeling hurt that this new guy is physically coming into the picture so soon after our decision? She says she wants me to find someone that makes me happy. I can't even think about finding someone else right now, I devoted the last 13+ years to her and the emotions I am dealing with are just to intense, there is no way I can even think of trying to develop a new relationship at this time.

 

I would appreciate any comments. Tell me I am justified . . . tell me it's not my place to worry about it now. Any advice on how to cope would really be helpful.

[2.50 a gallon]

Welcome to LS, sorry to see you here

 

My first question is how many kids and ages?

 

What are the divorce laws in you state?

 

Here is my stance, no more layed back. We might be separated, but until you get the divorce papers you are still my wife, and you are cheating on me and our kids. Get the divorce papers and then you are free to date.

 

Now that I know what our problem is, I have not given up on our marriage, my goal is to save it and our family.

 

Divorce is hard for all of those involved, and especially the kids. They instinctfully want and need a two parent family. Do not let her feed you the line that the kids will be OK with your break up. Kids are always affected and almost always negatively so.

 

She is not a good mother if she is considering seeing and dating the OM while she is still married to you. Any man that pursues a married woman is pond scum.

 

And do not let her introduce your kids to this POSOM (Piece of $hit Other Man)

 

Hopefully other more learned posters will join in

[John Michael Kane]

My wife and I decided in the last few weeks to separate. If anyone is at fault for the failure of our 13 year marriage, would say i take the brunt of it. I am a quiet, laid back type of guy. I don't communicate well and in turn, I don't give her the verbal attention she wants and deserves. In addition, I have an extremely low sex drive - hers is on the far end of the spectrum. We went to some counselling over the last month and after that we both realized that we love each other but aren't "in love" with each other, she is my best friend. I loved her differently than any other person in my life but I guess that wasn't "in love." She is an beautiful woman, a fantastic mother to our children. Part of the problem was the fact that i never verbalized that to her. I didn't let her know how I felt. During our conselling, it came out that she had developed an intimate online relationship with a guy that lives out of the country and that it has been going on for a few months. She said that she had not been in love with me for a few years and she had begun the mourning process of our relationship a long time ago. I guess I realized that things were going south about 4 months ago and a few weeks ago is when we decided that we were going to do an inhouse separation and will most likely divorce later down the road. My mourning process is just beginning. . .

 

The question I would like your feedback on . . . .I know she likes this guy a lot, she talks to him daily and was doing so well before counselling and separation. I want her to be happy but things have gotten rough the last several days as this guy is coming to town in the next few weeks and she said she is meeting him. I know we are separated but it still hurts like hell. . . and i am jealous that she developed such an intense relationship while ours was falling apart. There is a lot to process in this situation and now the new guy is coming into the picture just a few weeks after we made any decisions. I've had a few weeks to start coping, she says she has been for much longer. . . .that doesn't make it any easier on me. I want her to be happy but am I justified in feeling hurt that this new guy is physically coming into the picture so soon after our decision? She says she wants me to find someone that makes me happy. I can't even think about finding someone else right now, I devoted the last 13+ years to her and the emotions I am dealing with are just to intense, there is no way I can even think of trying to develop a new relationship at this time.

 

I would appreciate any comments. Tell me I am justified . . . tell me it's not my place to worry about it now. Any advice on how to cope would really be helpful.

 

Dude her "intense" feelings are full of crap. She's a cheater and she's selfish, regardless of whether you're separating. She has enough time to spend with another man but won't even work on her own marriage because she wants someone new. Typical cheater behavior. Don't even ask for her to come back to you because right now she's tainting herself with another dude. That's the only reason why your marriage is falling apart: She wants to separate so she can use that to go screw some new booty.

 

Drop her.

[oldguy]

I think it's HIGHLY unlikely she stopped having feelings for you & then meet him.

Laws vary from state to state, even county to county.

I realize that people often have in-house separations for financial reasons but they are a bad idea emotionally not only for the couple but more importantly the children.

My personal feelings are; your still married to each other, in fact your still living together AND the most important consideration for both of you right now is that your both parents first.

 

Your marriage may have been going stale and you did nothing about that but she turned to someone else.

 

She's going to meet the guy, there is little you can do to change that.

 

Are you still in counseling together & is the counselor aware of your verbal separation & that she is planning to meet another man she's been talking to?

[marqueemoon4]

Welcome to LS, sorry to see you here

 

My first question is how many kids and ages?

 

What are the divorce laws in you state?

 

Here is my stance, no more layed back. We might be separated, but until you get the divorce papers you are still my wife, and you are cheating on me and our kids. Get the divorce papers and then you are free to date.

 

Now that I know what our problem is, I have not given up on our marriage, my goal is to save it and our family.

 

Divorce is hard for all of those involved, and especially the kids. They instinctfully want and need a two parent family. Do not let her feed you the line that the kids will be OK with your break up. Kids are always affected and almost always negatively so.

 

She is not a good mother if she is considering seeing and dating the OM while she is still married to you. Any man that pursues a married woman is pond scum.

 

And do not let her introduce your kids to this POSOM (Piece of $hit Other Man)

 

Hopefully other more learned posters will join in

 

quoted for 100% truth.

[reboot]

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just code for "there's another man/woman". It's straight out of the Cheater's Handbook.

 

"Love" is history and children and memories and a life built on hard work and sacrifice. "In love" is just a bunch of chemicals splashing your brain that cause those funny little butterflies in your stomach.

 

You're being played buddy. She's rewriting your history together and has you convinced it's true. Don't buy it. In house separation my ass. If she wants to play, tell her to move out while she plays and you'll have her served ASAP. Look out for yourself, and look out for your children if you have them. Don't be a cuckold.

[oldguy]

Welcome to LS, sorry to see you here

 

My first question is how many kids and ages?

 

What are the divorce laws in you state?

 

Here is my stance, no more layed back. We might be separated, but until you get the divorce papers you are still my wife, and you are cheating on me and our kids. Get the divorce papers and then you are free to date.

 

Now that I know what our problem is, I have not given up on our marriage, my goal is to save it and our family.

 

Divorce is hard for all of those involved, and especially the kids. They instinctfully want and need a two parent family. Do not let her feed you the line that the kids will be OK with your break up. Kids are always affected and almost always negatively so.

 

She is not a good mother if she is considering seeing and dating the OM while she is still married to you. Any man that pursues a married woman is pond scum.

 

And do not let her introduce your kids to this POSOM (Piece of $hit Other Man)

 

Hopefully other more learned posters will join in

Could not have said it better

 

"I love you but I'm not in love with you" is just code for "there's another man/woman". It's straight out of the Cheater's Handbook.

This is very true which is why I'm surprised she agreed to see a marriage counselor with you as refusing too is the other kiss of death

 

"Love" is history and children and memories and a life built on hard work and sacrifice. "In love" is just a bunch of chemicals splashing your brain that cause those funny little butterflies in your stomach.

"In love" is a very real thing that should grow & develop into much more than the initial rush of what we think is "in love", but it requires effort & commitment on both sides, every day.

 

You're being played buddy. She's rewriting your history together and has you convinced it's true. Don't buy it. In house separation my ass. If she wants to play, tell her to move out while she plays and you'll have her served ASAP. Look out for yourself, and look out for your children if you have them. Don't be a cuckold.

In house separation is just BS & it is will have a very adverse effect on your children. Trust me, they already know.

[The Great Gazoo]

 

"Love" is history and children and memories and a life built on hard work and sacrifice.

 

 

Love is security, affection, warmth, belonging, friendship, companionship... a safe place to land. People who look to be "in love" all the time are searching for something that probably doesn't exist.

[The Great Gazoo]

yea - for being with someone for 13 years of marraige, still living under the same roof and then straight up telling you she's going to meet this other guy shows that she has zero respect for you and is a selfish/heartless b$tch.

 

i would have her served with divorce papers IMMEDIATELY.

 

as others have said, if she wants out of the marriage, tell her to get out of the house. if for some reason you're not able to do that, i would suggest you moving out. leave her. she has already left you.

 

this thread pisses me off.

 

Selfish/heartless bitch only scratches the surface. I don't understand how some people (my ex included) can be so cruel?!?!?

[Mauschen]

Tell her you are only willing to accept her as your wife and nothing less. Then cut her off as completely as possible - no conversations about anything other than the kids, no helping her with a flat tire, etc.

 

I've met people from online, and the experience is often disappointing. People online can be whomever they want to be, and in reality, they aren't always so great. If you remove yourself from your wife's life as completely as possible, then she may realize that she isn't getting the best of both worlds where 2 men are meeting all of her needs. It's much harder to feel fulfilled when just 1 man (whom she doesn't even really know) is meeting her "needs."

 

As for child custody, if you are interested in pursuing custody, document all of her actions. And do read the book Child Custody A to Z: Winning with Evidence by Guy White. It has been a very helpful book for me and has taught me that I have to take charge of my custody case and document EVERYTHING my ex does that is not in the best interests of the children (in your case, this might include her introducing them to a strange man while you're still married - very confusing and traumatic for a child).

[in the dust]

My kids are 9 and 3 and I haven't even had time to process this to look at the divorce laws yet. . .

 

Welcome to LS, sorry to see you here

 

My first question is how many kids and ages?

 

What are the divorce laws in you state?

 

Here is my stance, no more layed back. We might be separated, but until you get the divorce papers you are still my wife, and you are cheating on me and our kids. Get the divorce papers and then you are free to date.

 

Now that I know what our problem is, I have not given up on our marriage, my goal is to save it and our family.

 

Divorce is hard for all of those involved, and especially the kids. They instinctfully want and need a two parent family. Do not let her feed you the line that the kids will be OK with your break up. Kids are always affected and almost always negatively so.

 

She is not a good mother if she is considering seeing and dating the OM while she is still married to you. Any man that pursues a married woman is pond scum.

 

And do not let her introduce your kids to this POSOM (Piece of $hit Other Man)

 

Hopefully other more learned posters will join in

[in the dust]

Wow - I thought I was the only one that thought that. I guess i may miss the boat on affection but, but affection is not lust. I don't associate lust with love. you can lust after anyone.

 

Love is security, affection, warmth, belonging, friendship, companionship... a safe place to land. People who look to be "in love" all the time are searching for something that probably doesn't exist.

[Dust]

I think the biggest thing you are doing wrong is just letting this happen. You seem like you still want your wife but are ashamed at yourself for god knows why. Get over your shame the best way you know how and go get your woman. Neither of you owe this guy from another country anything. I like the thought of this guy sleeping at the airport. It’s just wrong for her to have this guy fly in and be around her and your kids. (I’m not saying you’re perfect but you should stop this)

[Steadfast]

It's common for betrayed spouses feel guilt. When the significant other says love is gone, we try to 'make up' for our shortcomings. We love them. What did I do? What didn't I do? It's very confusing until reality settles in.

 

That when most people start to get angry.

 

You'll get even angrier when you deduct Prince Charming showed right about the time you sensed a change in her, and angrier still when you realize that no one is ever 'seduced' against their will or better judgement. The fact is (and no matter how strongly she denies it) your lovely wife and the mother of your children was surfing online for a hook up. And she found one. To save face, she concocted the 'haven't been in love with you for years' line, otherwise known as rewriting the history of your marriage.

 

She's calling all the shots. Don't let her. You have as much say in this situation as she does. Don't let her guilt (or yours) keep you out of it.

 

When a woman is where she's at, nothing will change her mind or plans. It is, without question, the most important thing in the world to her. That, and her income/security. It's really hard to be hot and bothered when you're hungry or sleeping in a cardboard box. That's where you come in. With the divorce well underway, her plan is coming together. Now is the time for clarity and legal help to protect you and your family. Get it.

 

Buckle up. It's just starting. Lose the fear, lose the guilt. Stand up to her.

[bigmomma1974]

I hear over and over again that i love you im not in love with you is a sign of cheating. This isn't always true. I loved my ex husband but wasn't in love with him. I married him for all the wrong reasons but we tried for 10 yrs to make it work. I just wasnt in love with him. I love him dearly still do to this day, he is a good man, a good father, we just wasn't right for each other. People in love do sometimes fall out of love. Seperation isn't easy on anyone. Your feelings are normal feelings and you have a right to feel what you feel and of course you do not want anyone to hurt your wife of 13 yrs that is a normal feeling. If your wife is going to meet this man you should talk to her about this and explain to her, that the children do not need to be introduced to this man and if she is going to meet him, she needs to move out. As for the children do not do anything harsh reguardless of what your wife did your children need both parents, and they need some structure. Divorce does affect children but you talk to them, let them know you love them and answer all their questions honestly. I know the 3 yr old is to young to truelly understand but your 9 year old will ask questions. Decide who is going to have the children the most and after you decide that, then the other parent should move out of the house but stay involved in the kids life daily. Remember the kids shoul.d never suffer because someone went out on someone else. This doesn't make them a bad parent, it makes them a bad spouse. Good luck to you and in time things will get easier.

[reboot]

Nothing is ALWAYS true. Most of the time, ILYBINILWU is a safe way to bet though.

[John Michael Kane]

I hear over and over again that i love you im not in love with you is a sign of cheating. This isn't always true. I loved my ex husband but wasn't in love with him. I married him for all the wrong reasons but we tried for 10 yrs to make it work. I just wasnt in love with him. I love him dearly still do to this day, he is a good man, a good father, we just wasn't right for each other. People in love do sometimes fall out of love. Seperation isn't easy on anyone. Your feelings are normal feelings and you have a right to feel what you feel and of course you do not want anyone to hurt your wife of 13 yrs that is a normal feeling. If your wife is going to meet this man you should talk to her about this and explain to her, that the children do not need to be introduced to this man and if she is going to meet him, she needs to move out. As for the children do not do anything harsh reguardless of what your wife did your children need both parents, and they need some structure. Divorce does affect children but you talk to them, let them know you love them and answer all their questions honestly. I know the 3 yr old is to young to truelly understand but your 9 year old will ask questions. Decide who is going to have the children the most and after you decide that, then the other parent should move out of the house but stay involved in the kids life daily. Remember the kids shoul.d never suffer because someone went out on someone else. This doesn't make them a bad parent, it makes them a bad spouse. Good luck to you and in time things will get easier.

 

^

 

Not good advice, ma'am. This man is being cheated on and disrespected. Trying to say otherwise is like trying to stick your head in the sand.

[robf1971]

the children do not need to be introduced to this man and if she is going to meet him, she needs to move out. .

 

Actually, an even better idea, if she goes and meets this man.

 

The OP packs w's stuff in boxes and puts them in the driveway,

 

Words and talk is cheap. Actions are needed

[Mauschen]

Actually, an even better idea, if she goes and meets this man.

 

The OP packs w's stuff in boxes and puts them in the driveway,

 

Words and talk is cheap. Actions are needed

 

 

YES! ! ! Action is needed here.

[Mauschen]

Remember the kids shoul.d never suffer because someone went out on someone else. This doesn't make them a bad parent, it makes them a bad spouse.

 

I beg to differ - it DOES make them a bad parent AND a bad spouse. Going out with someone else while married is breaking one's promise to their spouse and giving the children one of the worst examples of betrayal possible. There are valid reasons for divorce, but cheating on your spouse while you're still living in the marital home with them is never a good example for a child to see.

[robf1971]

I beg to differ - it DOES make them a bad parent AND a bad spouse.

 

Yep, cheaters are cr*p role models for their kids. Hard to argue with that one.

[bigmomma1974]

betrayal is harsh and yea it is wrong but does a 3 year old child even know what is going on? I mean does one go to their child and dog the other parent for doing this, My opinion would be no. Also yes Action is better then words. I stand corrected. I just know that children are innocent and should be spared any harsh feelings one parent has for another, That is all I mean when it comes to the child. Sorry if I made you all think differently. I do not agree with people cheating on their spouses but it happens all the time and it hurts and parents should try to make it easier on the child if this happens. Children get affected by all of this and I just think parents need to make it as easy as possible for them.

 

Mr.John I am sorry you feel i give bad advice but I think it was valid, I dont get why you like to bash on my opinions but is it really needed? Do I bug you cause I am lexys friend and I stick up for her? I would ask you this elsewhere but I don't know how since I am new to this forum.

[John Michael Kane]

Mr.John I am sorry you feel i give bad advice but I think it was valid, I dont get why you like to bash on my opinions but is it really needed?

 

Nobody is bashing on your opinion. I'm just simply differing.

 

Do I bug you cause I am lexys friend and I stick up for her?

 

I don't know where you got that from. I have no problem with you being friends with her.

 

I would ask you this elsewhere but I don't know how since I am new to this forum.

 

Okay?