CurlyIam Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Never happened to me, or I found out about it after breaking up (not too proud of that either). But... would you take back a partner who cheated? Are there any ways of cheating more "excusable" then other? Which ones and why? very curious about this... Link to post Share on other sites
Pyrannaste Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam But... would you take back a partner who cheated? Perhaps I would. It would depend on the circumstances I was cheated on, and on the circumnstances I'd find out. [Are there any ways of cheating more "excusable" then other? Which ones and why? very curious about this... Definitely YES, at least to me. Mind that this is just my extremely personal opinon. One night stand: way more excusable than a long affair. chick throwing herself at my boyfriend and offering sex: more excusable that my boyfriend seducing her. they heve sex the same day they met: better than getting to know each other well, and seducing each other behind my back. boyfriend guilty, possibly crying, feeling like ****: would make it easier to forgive him being informed by my boyfriend: makes the affair way more excusable than if I found out on my own. the less time from the affair to confessing it, the better. sex with a hooker or casual sex he paid for: slightly more excusable. I treat bf badly for a lot of time before he has his affair: makes it easier to forgive. it was a retaliation: see above bf spends more on a date with his mistress than he ever spent for a date with me: will make things worse. it was just a one night thing, AND from the way he acts or talks, I get the feeling that he'll never ever cheat on me again, and I feel I'll be able to totally trust him in future: I'll surely get back with him. the list could be a lot longer Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 I am asking this because I have this rule I've applied: it's me or the other person. Should (s)he go to somebody else, (s)he made his choice. Period. As I'm getting... wiser (pleaso note I did not say older)I question myself more, but I still find that I am right. IT's like the feeling of betryal has nothing to do with circumstances, exceptional situations or logical explications. I've never been cheated - or at least never knew it, but I simply can't imagine under any circumstances getting the man back or continuing the relationship. Maybe I'm imature or never given enough of me in one. Once a cheater always a cheater?!? Link to post Share on other sites
reggio Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Absoutely NOT! Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Whhyyy??? Link to post Share on other sites
Fedup&givingup Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 NO! NO! NO! Link to post Share on other sites
befuddled11 Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 When I enter into a relationship, although it "should be" a given, I ensure we have the discussion about monogamy and exclusivity.....that cheating, to me, is a total and 100% deal-breaker. I ensure my expectations are clear from the start, so there's no misunderstandings on where I stand. If they do end up cheating? B'bye! Adios. See ya. In this day and age of STDs, HIV, Hepatitis, etc......I will simply not remain with someone whose behavior has risked my health. I have been cheated on, though I have never cheated. I would never cheat. I'm just not wired that way. When I love someone, I love only them and have no need to see if the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. I expect the same in return and if that isn't the case, I'm done like dinner. I don't care what the excuse or reason is. In my opinion, there's no acceptable excuse for cheating, none. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 We had this discussion about unconditional love before, on whether it existed. The (not-so-brilliant) argument against it was, primarily, coming up with extremes that someone could put you through, and saying, 'you couldn't possibly love them then, so it doesn't exist'. I believe that unconditional love is composed of a lack of absolutism, not self-destructive maintainance of something that's unhealthy. Certainly, if you married a serial killer your love for the person will change, but part of unconditional love is investing yourself in someone who you can trust to meet whatever conditions you would have, if they were neccessary. Just because you're not using their misconduct as fodder for departure, doesn't mean that you can't work through it. Link to post Share on other sites
echocrush Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Probably not, but I've done it before, and it turned out that one a cheater always a cheater was true in that case. But If he came to me right after it happened, admited what he did, showed remorse AND showed me he was willing to make it right maybe. I don't know, it really messed with my head and I don't know if I ever want to go through that again. Link to post Share on other sites
CaterpillarGirl Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 If I wasn't married to him, NO WAY. If I was, well, it would depend on a variety of factors, so my answer is maybe. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted April 16, 2004 Author Share Posted April 16, 2004 Circumstances, circumstances... I'm about to quote dyer here with "Tomato, Tomato" Link to post Share on other sites
CostumeSmile Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 NO, NO, NO, NO & NO......... Trust, they don't change! Your forgiveness will be more like permission! I speak from experience! I spent 3 years w/ a cheater it was the worse 3 yrs of my life, I only wish I had listened to everyone back then! Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 We need to define 'Cheating'. Is this sex, or do other things count like kissing, stuff like that. When I was younger I dated a few girls that ended up kissing another guy at a party or some young crap like that. Didn't really think all that much of it at the time...and didn't end the relationship because of it. Anything sexual though...and I think I would have broken up with the girl, as it just would have hit me harder. Link to post Share on other sites
CostumeSmile Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Yes, kissing is cheating. I think anything sexual or romantic with someone other than your partner is cheating! Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by CostumeSmile Yes, kissing is cheating. I think anything sexual or romantic with someone other than your partner is cheating! I agree 100% But I'm also a 35 year man in a serious relationship. It's just that all of these things are subjective to the context of your life at the time. What is now cheating in my book, was at one time a small triffle that didn't really bother me. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Not only is there physical cheating but emotional. If my fiancee were to be chatting (flirting) with some guy, that would be enough grounds for me to end it. Anytime trust gets broken, it's cheating. Kissing, touching, flirting are all cheating to me. Everyone has different opinions to it. Link to post Share on other sites
wideawake Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 Originally posted by jmargel Not only is there physical cheating but emotional. If my fiancee were to be chatting (flirting) with some guy, that would be enough grounds for me to end it. Anytime trust gets broken, it's cheating. Kissing, touching, flirting are all cheating to me. Wow...that a tough stance. Chatting or flirting is pretty subjective... Its something that has upset me in the past, but I've never broken up with a girl for flirting... And I would hate to be held to those same standards... Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 HELL no. Link to post Share on other sites
arcadia Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 I do agree with Pyrannaste about some of the things that might make cheating more forgivable, TO SOME PEOPLE. but not all people are the forgiving type. I was recently cheated on, and while i have not forgiven him yet, i have no decided to totally end the relationship. Whether or not this is a mistake, i don't know yet, but i do know that had certain things about the way he cheated been different, my opinions on the matter would change drastically. I caught him having cyber sex with a woman he knew.. He did not have sex with her.. if he had, he'd be out the door without a second glance. However, if he had come to me and admitted it before i had the great displeasure of finding out, i wouldn't be as mad as i am now. so yes.. i definitely think that circumstances can change feelings.. on another note: i always hear this "Once a cheater, always a cheater" thing and i can't say that this is true in all cases. I was in a relationship with someone for 4 years.. i cheated on him once after a year and he took me back. I never did it again and never thought about doing it again. And I have never cheated in any relationship I have had after. I have known others that are the same way... they cheat once, but never again. So i don't agree with the once/always theory. I think in order to get an idea if the person is the type to do it again, it kind of has to do with the reason they did it in the first place. Was it a drunken kiss? If so, they may realize their mistake right off and vow to control themselves while intoxicated and never do it again. Was the person sleeping around with lots of different people ? Then they probably are the type of person that doesn't take their commitment seriously and will do it again.. but that's just my opinion Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted April 16, 2004 Share Posted April 16, 2004 CURLYIAM- I don't think you can be wrong or right about what you feel terminates a relationship. Where someone might be able to forgive someone another may not. You might say lets try and work it out but unless you are really willing to forgive then you will just harbor resentment. There's no amount of logic that can amend a heart consumed with betrayal. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2004 Author Share Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by Goatsbreath There's no amount of logic that can amend a heart consumed with betrayal. YOu're right. Unfortunally I still am at the stage where I might add "at all" after amount of logic, although I know there must be a whole lot of "nuances" in between. I simply can't bring myself to accept them. Any of it, actually... Link to post Share on other sites
Author CurlyIam Posted April 17, 2004 Author Share Posted April 17, 2004 I mean attimes I feel like a total hypocrite, 'cause I'm ok with flirting and having different friends and going out separetely. I trust an I am trusted. I simply believe I am only very jelous. I could even forgive emotional cheating, would eat me alive, but as long as "no touching" rule was respected, I can take it. What worries me is that I am almost convinced that once you're starting along time relationship, it's inevitable and it scares the s*** out of me. Link to post Share on other sites
Goatsbreath Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 What worries me is that I am almost convinced that once you're starting along time relationship, it's inevitable and it scares the s*** out of me. Perhaps it is just the relationship. I dont think everyone would argree that this is a inevitable feeling in a long lasting relationship. Personally- I would hope that I was maintaining the long relationship because I knew that I was not looking to test the waters elsewere. Because this was the one. But- its true- it happens other ways, some relationships can run a long time and sometimes not for the right reasons. Link to post Share on other sites
GeorgiaSongbird Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 In my first marriage, my ex cheated on me. We had alot of other problems going on in the relationship and tried to work it out after I found out he was cheating on me. But the cheating ended up being the deal breaker and our marriage ended. I've married now to a wonderful man but we have had some ups and downs in adjusting to our marriage. He has not physically cheated on me but I have forgiven him for things I never thought I could forgive. Our marriage is stronger for it and I am happy with him and our relationship. I understand that sometimes you just have to know when to go.. but everyone (unless you are a candidate for sainthood) have done things that hurt other people. Everyone has lapses in judgement. Could I forgive a physical affair? I don't know. But I hope I would not close the door on a wonderful person and good relationship because of a mistake and not be willing to work on something that might be worth saving. Link to post Share on other sites
aroseInLove Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 Originally posted by CurlyIam But... would you take back a partner who cheated? Are there any ways of cheating more "excusable" then other? Which ones and why? very curious about this... The 'once a cheater .. is always a cheater' carries merit.. just like a 'thief is always a thief.. but I am no man's judge in any scenario...esp. as it would be unfair to make such a claim.. As for one form of cheating that is quantified with placing values of 'more' or 'less' in terms of "excusable" ..I'd say, ..absolutely not .... ..Cheating = Cheating = Cheating .period. The 'form' means nothing.. and the "excusable" comes from within YOUR soul.. what YOU can tolerate, forgive, and move forward from.. so to me, the idea of taking back a partner who cheated would DEPEND on ... 1: IF I COULD FULLY ..TRUST that it would never happen again.. 2: IF I COULD FULLY ..RECOVER from it 3: IF I WOULD NOT not make him .. EAT it repeatedly.. Link to post Share on other sites
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