Bumped into him...

[Nebula]

I related to a lot of things in this thread, so I thank the feedback given even if it wasn't directed at me.

 

I was in a worst situation where "my" guy wasn't even my bf, he was more of a fwb. Except I was in love with him. Of course it was stupid, yes, I've learned my lesson, I'll never do it again.

 

He said we "wouldn't work out in the end so we shouldn't make it official and spare ourselves the painful ending" (but then he did that big mess anyway), but it just really meant he didn't like me enough for something serious. Yet we spent a lot of time together, talked/chatted/texted all the time. Went out and stuff. But when we went out he was always "the friend". When we were alone in my room then he was all over me.

 

I eventually got sick of it and ended it, now he has a proper gf. And I can relate to you Gisele when you said he's doing all these all PDAs with her and he was never like that with me, and it SUCKS. I wanted it so bad! I KNOW if we weren't really together he had no obligation so it's a bit different from you, but then he wasn't thaaat affectionate to his previous girlfriend either, so I thought it could also have to do with how dettached he is in general, he won't even hug his friends, not just because our situation. But now with this girl he holds her and kisses her (I've been lucky to not have seen it in person, but I've been told). And I know he's in love with her. The way he never was with me. And he pretty much told me so and confirmed it. Ouch.

 

In retrospect I realize he was also kind of abusive in the ways Gisele's BF was. Ignoring, belittling me, and just not being caring and nice when I tried to be so nice to him (yes, that was a mistake too. ).

 

So I've been through the whole, "why is he so nice to her and not to me?" Even worst in my case, how come I didn't even get a proper relationship?

 

And the answer is like a poster stated, in MY particular case, he just wasn't into me. He liked me enough to sleep with me and talk to me all the time, but not to commit. He said I was his best friend ever who he has trusted more than anyone and I sort of believe that, but also I can't fathom that he really cared that much about me because a friend would NOT sleep with the other fully knowing that she's in love with him and suffers a lot because of the situation. I told him my feelings and he saw me suffering a lot, and yet didn't feel any remorse.

 

And to make matters worse I have to see him at work too. I don't really have to talk to him for anything but he sits close, and it's annoying. And I agree it slows the healing process down, but it shouldn't be impossible either. We just have to remember they're like anyone else, and shouldn't give them so much power over us.

 

It's been a few months and it still hurts. It still makes me question how come the best of me wasn't enough for him. But it's not that, he just didn't feel that way about me. Sure, it would have been ideal for him to either love me and give me a relationship, or just walk away instead of messing with me, but he's an asshat so he took advantage of the situation.( And I should have known better and left when I knew he wouldn't commit or even treat me nicely instead of waiting for him to change his mind). But the main thing is that all we want is for someone to treat us well and love us, so if a particular person doesn't want to, we can't force them. Gisele, your guy seems like an asshat too, even if he's not an asshat to her that's all he would have ever been to you, because that's all you ever got, and people often don't just change like that if they've always been that way with you. I think we need to focus on the fact that we'll meet someone who's not only NOT an asshat, but will feel the same way as we did about these guys, and I guess even how these asshats feel about their new women. So they'll love us enough to do the things we expect. And I'm sure it will feel so much better!

 

You weren't right for each other and in the end all that means is that you're free to find someone who'll actually be nice to you. It's the hope I'm clinging to, anyway.

 

We need to stop doing this to ourselves and stop settling for less than we deserve. We need to move past crappy experiences like this, learn the lessons from them and most of all learn to love ourselves more.

 

The fact that you're very young is good too, he's just an early bump in the road before the good stuff comes along.

[sun_moon]

Like I mentioned, another reason he treated you so poorly, could have been because he doesn't know how to treat a girl, and is trying to do better this time. Or, Like Sun moon here said (which I was going to throw that in earlier, but it slipped my mind), it could easily be all for show. But..it's been going on for six months..you'd think that the dude would have gotten sick of pretending to be happy by now..unless he's just that immature and pathetic (which by all means could be true).

 

When everything is said and done though, thank God you're not with someone who would do that, anymore. It's truly a blessing in disguise here. He seriously sounds like a pathetic loser who is just clinging to her because she's heart broken over her breakup still, and therefore knows it wont last with her, since he probably realizes that he's just a rebound (and knows that she's just a rebound for him). Sometimes..when you know that there's a definite expiration date for a relationship..you throw yourself all in, just for the hell of it..and he could just be doing it. Doesn't change the fact that he's a pathetic loser that you need to move on from though.

 

lilmisus...SO FREAKING TRUE...

 

You know maybe he was rebounding and it actually turned into something, either way Gisele, like she said, and we have all told you: my goodness you are so much better off.

 

Reading Gisele's pain reminds me of the stupid **** I had to deal with as well.

 

By the way, this is so important to note, not just for Gisele and Nebula, but for myself and anyone else reading this and feeling like ****. Whether his asshat douchbag behavior was because he 'wasnt that into her' or not, it is not an excuse to treat your girlfriend that way or anyone else for that matter. I'm sorry, but I've dated, I've had serious relationships, I've had a range of deep or non deep feelings for different men and I did not treat them like dirt and drag them through hell and back. I believe that speaks so highly of someone's character or lack there of. Where is the compassion, empathy, and basic respect for the other person?

 

You dodged a big bullet. I heard and keep hearing the same thing over and over from family and friends. Better you cry now then when you are in a miserable marriage and your stuck, better you see the flaws and big red flags now than later. You have just saved your life.