sungirl Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and I found through an email that he had been going for erotic massages when out of town at a certain business to a certain person. He says he only went twice. He says he has never done anything else before and we have a really good relashionship otherwise. He says that he got a nude on nude massage with happy ending (hand job). He could touch the woman and she was touching him with all body parts. I cannot get over this whole thing and have been going to counselling for two months, but not really getting anywhere. I'm just appalled at the whole thing. I'm thinking I just can't handle this betrayal. Some people (men) say this is not really cheating, but I feel it is. He said he would have continued if he hadn't been caught. Says he will never do it again as it has caused him so much grief. Comments?
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 he did it. it's cheating in my world. what are you planning to do about it? you can't stop him from doing it again... you can only control what YOU do about it. is he doing anything to repair the damage he has done? what is it he's doing differently? how is he earning your trust back after all the deception? i'm sure it wasn't two times... and IF he didn't screw her - he may as well have. ask him how he'd like it if you visited a man for a nude massage... and while there the man asked you to suck him while he's aroused - and allowed him to finger you and massage your breasts touching ALL of the places on your body that are sacred ground for a spouse? would he enjoy that thought/image? he cheated. plain and simple.
Author sungirl Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 My husband is going for counselling, has quit the job that took him to that city (4000 miles away), has cried, apologized, says he will never do it again, spending a lot of time with me. I think he's doing all he can. I appreciate all of this, but can't seem to move forward even so. It just is so disgusting to me. I asked him how he would feel if I did something like that and he says he can't even imagine it, so he doesn't know. Some people I have told about this think I'm crazy when I mention splitting up, even my counsellor. They say there are so many positives (excellent father, husband (except for this), friend, etc), lots in common. I am having a tough time getting through some days though, like wondering who this person really is that I thought I knew so well. It's mind numbing.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 what was his reason for doing that? i'd love to hear his answer... and what was in the email that tipped you off? was he contacting the gal after he went to her? what did the emails say?
Author sungirl Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 He said he was viewing porn a lot and it was suggested by a coworker to try this place. The coworker had been to a specific girl and told my husband how to go about setting it up and what to expect. This girl would only take referrals from other clients, so that's how it started. He had a prestigous job and he said that he felt like he was a really important guy and lost track of who he really was. He says viewing the porn all the time made him want to have a real life experience. He said being so far from home made it seem like he was in a different world. He said he never wanted intercourse, just the hand release. It's kind of like what happens to a lot of these politicians. Anyway, his bubble has burst. He no longer has the important job (job of a lifetime) and his wife thinks he's a very sad person with a flawed character. He says he's never felt this low before in his life. He lost all this for a couple of hand jobs.
Author sungirl Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 sunny, He asked me to view his email to see about a flight reservation on our home computer while he was on the trip. He has a blackberry and gets emails on that and also on the home computer. When he deletes on the blackberry, it doesn't delete at home. He's a very intelligent man, but very stupid mistake made here. The email was asking if he could set up a 1/2 hour appointment that day. She replied with a time. I went to her website and saw it all, nude pictures and telling about the massages and options - body slides, fetishes, hand release, breast release. (no oral or sex) I found this the day after he had been to the massage and asked him about it by phone. He said he didn't know anything about what it was, just junk email. I said are you crazy, it's there plain as day. He srarted crying and apologizing.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 Some people I have told about this think I'm crazy when I mention splitting up, even my counsellor. They say there are so many positives (excellent father, husband (except for this), friend, etc), lots in common. his actions show what kind of man he really is. that he cheats. so he's not the man you thought he could be. his actions don't match that of a man that is an excellent father, husband and friend. the reality of what he DID DO - aren't in alignment with the man that you are describing.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 sunny, He asked me to view his email to see about a flight reservation on our home computer while he was on the trip. He has a blackberry and gets emails on that and also on the home computer. When he deletes on the blackberry, it doesn't delete at home. He's a very intelligent man, but very stupid mistake made here. The email was asking if he could set up a 1/2 hour appointment that day. She replied with a time. I went to her website and saw it all, nude pictures and telling about the massages and options - body slides, fetishes, hand release, breast release. (no oral or sex) I found this the day after he had been to the massage and asked him about it by phone. He said he didn't know anything about what it was, just junk email. I said are you crazy, it's there plain as day. He srarted crying and apologizing. what does your gut say? do you think he's sorry he did it - or sorry he got caught. were there ANY other emails in his history that were suspect of ANYTHING suspicious?
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 I know you will very bad, but you will get through this. The worst case scenario is having your H establish a complete intimate and emotional relationship with an OW. At least there is no OW and no relationship with anyone. huh? make assumptions much? how do we know for sure that a man of this character wouldn't - over the span of 30 years - have developed some inappropriate connection with someone else - IF he's capable of random hand jobs with well known hookers? putting his W at risk for STD's... grrr he paid money for a hooker. plain and simple. his value system says - when he's away - he forgets what's at home! sheez. that is NOT a man of integrity and honor. 30 years of wondering - for now his truth is revealed - only to ruin what you THOUGHT was real. he has created the illusion of being a man he's not at all. who knows what THAT man is capable of... one will never know.
Author sungirl Posted June 8, 2011 Author Posted June 8, 2011 It's interesting how men's opinions differ from women on this topic. I have never seen any other emails or have any other concerns over the last 30 years. Don't know for sure, but don't believe he has ever strayed in any way before.
nyrias Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 It's interesting how men's opinions differ from women on this topic. I have never seen any other emails or have any other concerns over the last 30 years. Don't know for sure, but don't believe he has ever strayed in any way before. Hard to say. Just like you say "don't know for sure". In fact, it is impossible to know for sure. At the same time, it does not mean that he has. It is possible that you caught him early so there are really the only times. But again, impossible to know for sure. You have 3 options: 1) stick with him, knowing this happened and you are to be on ur guard for a long time before you can trust him. 2) Leave him and go back to the dating scene. Cheating is pretty prevalent (just look at all the news or search for infidelity statistics) so it is not certain that you will meet a better person than your husband. 3) Leave him, give up and be alone.
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 He says he has never done anything else before and we have a really good relashionship otherwise. how would you know he hasn't done it before? (he did it twice, yes?) did he tell you about it BEFORE he did it? did he ASK for YOUR permission to DO that? if not = he wasn't honest. a good relationship? good relationships are based on honesty. evidence shows you don't have that. so what is it based on? is he willing to go to counseling to find out why he did it - why he felt justified in betraying you? why he felt so entitled to cause harm to those he claims to love? why he wanted to hurt someone he says he loves? these are things HE needs to address... and VERY rarely is this a one time situation - he shows he lies, after all... so tell him to take a lie detector test- and ask him EVERYTHING you ever wanted to know - see how that goes over... see if he will do it after setting up an appointment to have it done. is he willing to go to counseling and take a polygraph test? those two things may get you started in a direction of action on his part... ask him how willing he is? how many kids do you two have/how old are they now?
2sunny Posted June 8, 2011 Posted June 8, 2011 He could touch the woman and she was touching him with all body parts. ALL body parts means he can insert his penis with a condom on - they would always require he pull out - making it necessary for him to need her hand to finish. all body parts means she can suck him and he can eat her - means he can suck and lick her breasts. a half hour - how much was he paying? that may be telling as well... Says he will never do it again as it has caused him so much grief. so, he's NOT sorry he did it - just sorry he got caught. i'd divorce him just on that statement alone! bastard! and he went TWICE - and he intended to keep going as long as you never found out! so his intent was only that you NOT know... and he would keep doing it. THAT'S why you aren't making progress in counseling. how can you accept a situation that a person isn't sorry for? it's not possible. he is the one who needs a consequence for the way he participated... it's his character to cheat, as long as you don't find out. i'd be pissed. and i'd divorce him.
carrie999 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I couldn't deal with that. I used to think I could handle anything sexual that had no real "intimacy" or emotional attachments, but I cannot imagine dealing with any form of cheating. After 30 years of marriage, I suppose it would be hard to throw in the towel if this was the first indication I had that he was unfaithful and it was an otherwise happy marriage. Less than ten years? Separation, and the trust may be too broken not to divorce. Less than five? His stuff would be on the lawn and papers filed tomorrow. How did you find out? Was he honest about this? Think he's being honest now? And why did he do this? Pressure from the guys at 50+ years old? I know I'm providing no comfort to you, and I'm sorry that I can't, but I'd be furious!
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 My husband and I have been married for almost 30 years and I found through an email that he had been going for erotic massages when out of town at a certain business to a certain person. He says he only went twice. He says he has never done anything else before and we have a really good relashionship otherwise. He says that he got a nude on nude massage with happy ending (hand job). He could touch the woman and she was touching him with all body parts. I cannot get over this whole thing and have been going to counselling for two months, but not really getting anywhere. I'm just appalled at the whole thing. I'm thinking I just can't handle this betrayal. Some people (men) say this is not really cheating, but I feel it is. He said he would have continued if he hadn't been caught. Says he will never do it again as it has caused him so much grief. Comments? The female equivalent to this is allowing another man to buy something for you. That should put it in the correct perspective.
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Before your husband quit was he some kind of contractor/business guy who used to be in the military and still some how works closely with the military and some business?
carrie999 Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The female equivalent to this is allowing another man to buy something for you. That should put it in the correct perspective. Is this a joke???
2sunny Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 Before your husband quit was he some kind of contractor/business guy who used to be in the military and still some how works closely with the military and some business? that's really private info considering this is an anonymous board. i would suggest you not give out that info...
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 that's really private info considering this is an anonymous board. i would suggest you not give out that info... She already gave out more private info then that. Do you know how many people are veterans and how many more work through the government in some sense. If she were to follow your course of action which maybe she should I would suggest she not write another single post and ask that this entire thread be deleted. I she wants help she should probably talk a little more about what type of guy he was (veteran?) and generally what type of industry (works with government?) it truly is very vague.
2sunny Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 She already gave out more private info then that. Do you know how many people are veterans and how many more work through the government in some sense. If she were to follow your course of action which maybe she should I would suggest she not write another single post and ask that this entire thread be deleted. I she wants help she should probably talk a little more about what type of guy he was (veteran?) and generally what type of industry (works with government?) it truly is very vague. she never said he was a veteran - so stop it. she should not give out his employment info. she asked for help - you aren't helping.
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 she never said he was a veteran - so stop it. she should not give out his employment info. she asked for help - you aren't helping. I don’t understand why you are being rude to me? No where did I say she said he was a veteran. You’re going a little off topic, I’m here to help her not you. She doesn’t need you to explain some things are personal. People on here regularly ask far more personal questions like “how many kids do you have and how old are they” “what city are you in” etc etc. They don’t need you to explain they don’t have to say it. You are very rude for a person who in this thread alone asked far more personal questions then me. Don’t tell me to stop it when I’m here to help some one out who with out animosity can choose simply not to answer my question. Your advice to this woman has been as antagonistic and simple as you’ve been with me.
2sunny Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 I don’t understand why you are being rude to me? No where did I say she said he was a veteran. You’re going a little off topic, I’m here to help her not you. She doesn’t need you to explain some things are personal. People on here regularly ask far more personal questions like “how many kids do you have and how old are they” “what city are you in” etc etc. They don’t need you to explain they don’t have to say it. You are very rude for a person who in this thread alone asked far more personal questions then me. Don’t tell me to stop it when I’m here to help some one out who with out animosity can choose simply not to answer my question. Your advice to this woman has been as antagonistic and simple as you’ve been with me. his job has no bearing on the question she asked. why are you insisting on understanding who employed him? maybe you are her husband?
Dust Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 his job has no bearing on the question she asked. why are you insisting on understanding who employed him? maybe you are her husband? Maybe you’re her husband? I mean do you really think you are helping by arguing your nonsense with me?
StoneCold Posted June 9, 2011 Posted June 9, 2011 The female equivalent to this is allowing another man to buy something for you. That should put it in the correct perspective. Very interesting... and I agree somewhat. It would all depend on the people involved. But generally speaking... I can see the arugment
Recommended Posts