Husband goes for Erotic Massage

[xxoo]

When the interest fell off, I just thought he thought I was too old and he wasn't into it anymore. I didn't want to embarrass him because he couldn't get aroused, so I just left it. Didn't know the porn had taken over, and that's why he wasn't interested.

 

He is interested now, but it seems fake, and he's having problems with it at least half the time.

 

As to the weight, I am 5'5 and weigh 135. I was 122 when we got married 30 years ago. He prefers, 25, large breasts and tiny waists. He said that is what it would take to get him going (on porn sites).

Nice aye?

 

He prefers women the age of his daughters?

 

When sex disappears from a marriage, that obviously isn't a problem that can be swept under the rug. Someone will eventually stray. It doesn't excuse infidelity, but it does predict it fairly well.

 

It breaks my heart that you assumed he stopped desiring you because you were too old. There's no place for pride and embarrassment in an intimate relationship. If things aren't discussed, people draw their own conclusions--often false conclusions that further harm the relationship.

 

He may have turned to the porn because he was experiencing performance issues, and wanted a "controlled" environment to ensure success. Porn is completely under his control, makes no demands, and doesn't judge. Sex workers are similar. It may be these qualities that attracted him to porn more than the physical qualities of the participants.

 

The picture you are painting of your marriage pre-infidelity isn't all that great. There was a big issue in the marriage (no sex), and neither of you addressed it. Would you say that distance, and conflict avoidance, is typical for your marriage on the whole, or something that was unique to that time period? Did you once have a close, intimate relationship to which you might return, or has it always been sort of a "good enough" marriage?

 

I think if you once had a great love and connection, I would give it a hard year of work to see if we could get it back. If things were never particularly passionate or close, I'd either try to stay accepting things as they are (maybe discuss an "arrangement" wherein you could each find a lover), or divorce. I would not invest the effort, and risk the heartache, for "good enough".

[nyrias]

He prefers women the age of his daughters?

 

That is of no surprise. Older men with younger girls are not exactly news, even in non-cheating situations.

 

It is pure biology. Sexual attraction focuses on fertile young female. I am not saying every man is like that, but it wouldn't surprise me if a significant portion do.

[xxoo]

That is of no surprise. Older men with younger girls are not exactly news, even in non-cheating situations.

 

It is pure biology. Sexual attraction focuses on fertile young female. I am not saying every man is like that, but it wouldn't surprise me if a significant portion do.

 

People are not "pure biology". At 58 years of age, a person has had a lifetime of experiences to hone their sexual attraction.

[sungirl]

He prefers women the age of his daughters?

 

When sex disappears from a marriage, that obviously isn't a problem that can be swept under the rug. Someone will eventually stray. It doesn't excuse infidelity, but it does predict it fairly well.

 

It breaks my heart that you assumed he stopped desiring you because you were too old. There's no place for pride and embarrassment in an intimate relationship. If things aren't discussed, people draw their own conclusions--often false conclusions that further harm the relationship.

 

He may have turned to the porn because he was experiencing performance issues, and wanted a "controlled" environment to ensure success. Porn is completely under his control, makes no demands, and doesn't judge. Sex workers are similar. It may be these qualities that attracted him to porn more than the physical qualities of the participants.

 

The picture you are painting of your marriage pre-infidelity isn't all that great. There was a big issue in the marriage (no sex), and neither of you addressed it. Would you say that distance, and conflict avoidance, is typical for your marriage on the whole, or something that was unique to that time period? Did you once have a close, intimate relationship to which you might return, or has it always been sort of a "good enough" marriage?

 

I think if you once had a great love and connection, I would give it a hard year of work to see if we could get it back. If things were never particularly passionate or close, I'd either try to stay accepting things as they are (maybe discuss an "arrangement" wherein you could each find a lover), or divorce. I would not invest the effort, and risk the heartache, for "good enough".

 

Reading your post really has opened up my eyes. You are dead on with the topics you covered.

 

The distance and conflict avoidance is dead on, and the "good enough" is so true. I am quite outgoing and speak my mind but I quit doing that because my husband is so closed off from really connecting and doesn't like it. So, I thought, be the perfect wife and shut up because he doesn't like talking. My husband thinks having sex and being cooked and baked for is a close realtionship even if you don't speak a word the rest of the day. He is not an open person at all, doesn't talk to me or anyone else about anything. Lives his life inside his head, thinking all the time.

 

I am going to discuss this with my counsellor next time we meet. These things I think are what led us in this direction and believe they should be dealt with and if he refuses, well, then, I'll have to think about things for the future.

 

Thanks so much

 

I'm putting in my year, though, try to work though it, and reassess then.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Reading your post really has opened up my eyes. You are dead on with the topics you covered.

 

The distance and conflict avoidance is dead on, and the "good enough" is so true. I am quite outgoing and speak my mind but I quit doing that because my husband is so closed off from really connecting and doesn't like it. So, I thought, be the perfect wife and shut up because he doesn't like talking. My husband thinks having sex and being cooked and baked for is a close realtionship even if you don't speak a word the rest of the day. He is not an open person at all, doesn't talk to me or anyone else about anything. Lives his life inside his head, thinking all the time.

 

I am going to discuss this with my counsellor next time we meet. These things I think are what led us in this direction and believe they should be dealt with and if he refuses, well, then, I'll have to think about things for the future.

 

Thanks so much

 

I'm putting in my year, though, try to work though it, and reassess then.

 

I appreciate the honesty and xxoo as per usual hit the nail on the head. As I approach 50, these things all enter my head and are things I worry about. I think your husband is and has always avoided issues and you have never asserted yourself and now you are here.

 

Of course men are attracted by 25 year old hard bodies.... But same with the older well maintained sexual women we love..... Heck I am not embarrassed if my spouse told me she found young 25 yo attractive too... But if she acted on it while denying me and my advances that is another thing.

 

I am truly sorry and hope the next year brings clarity and piece of mind.

 

For you to comment also that you've put on all of 13lbs over 30 years and be concerned too, also bothers me.

[sungirl]

The reason I put down the weight thing is because one of the posters asked me about it.

 

I do not have a problem with my weight and feel I am in pretty good shape for 56 yr old.

 

I only answered this because of being asked. I'm asking questions here and feel I should answer them as well.

[2sunny]

my suggestion - based on what you typed - is to talk to YOUR HUSBAND, not the counselor!

 

take your thoughts, feelings and anger to him directly. and no need to wait a year:rolleyes: - a year for what? unless there is significant change happening here - there's no reason to stay.

 

tell him how you feel - what you think!

 

IF he doesn't talk to you or try to REPAIR the damage HE has done - then he isn't in the marriage for love. if he intends to have YOU live with the harm HE caused and not repair the damage by providing you comfort, support and changing the way he connects to YOU - YOU can decide that you don't intend to stay in a M where a husband intends to cause harm. causing harm and not repairing the damage is not loving behavior.

 

it's his to change, not yours. if he's not willing to start changing everything - including the way he communicates with you - i'd leave!

 

loving behavior is sharing thoughts. feelings and experiences (good and bad) with the one(s) you care about.

 

take those conversations DIRECTLY to him - he's the one that did it. then talk to the counselor about what changes- or not - are happening as a result of having the issue out in the open.

 

bust that issues out! throw it out on the table! talk about it! IF you don't - he never will. and IF you do, and he won't discuss any and ALL of it FOR you - then the M should be considered over... mainly because it takes TWO to participate in a marriage.

 

he's showing actions of a complete coward. stop finding that acceptable - because it's not.

 

i can bet money visiting a hooker isn't new behavior for him. you have every right to throw him out until he gets motivated to change everything...

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The reason I put down the weight thing is because one of the posters asked me about it.

 

I do not have a problem with my weight and feel I am in pretty good shape for 56 yr old.

 

I only answered this because of being asked. I'm asking questions here and feel I should answer them as well.

 

And yes many want to know that question (but afraid to ask), but that you sounded (wrote it) in a defensive way......

[Spark1111]

Reading your post really has opened up my eyes. You are dead on with the topics you covered.

 

The distance and conflict avoidance is dead on, and the "good enough" is so true. I am quite outgoing and speak my mind but I quit doing that because my husband is so closed off from really connecting and doesn't like it. So, I thought, be the perfect wife and shut up because he doesn't like talking. My husband thinks having sex and being cooked and baked for is a close realtionship even if you don't speak a word the rest of the day. He is not an open person at all, doesn't talk to me or anyone else about anything. Lives his life inside his head, thinking all the time.

 

I am going to discuss this with my counsellor next time we meet. These things I think are what led us in this direction and believe they should be dealt with and if he refuses, well, then, I'll have to think about things for the future.

 

Thanks so much

 

I'm putting in my year, though, try to work though it, and reassess then.

 

Do not beat yourself up too badly! A lot of research says that the WS, pre-affair does an excellent job of emotional distancing that creates an environment where everyone walks on eggshells so as to not "upset" them or make make them more uncomfortable.....

 

Itstead of adopting their non-communicative style in an effort to be a supportive wife, the chasm grows deeper and wider.

 

It is time to communicate directly your thoughts and feelings. Turn off the electronics, disallow the diversions, and kindly and compassionately ask open-ended questions that state your feelings. Encourage him to state his. Do not judge......do not criticize and have a ton of patience.

 

Constructive communication does not happen over night, especially with someone who has turned off their emotions and has shut the door tightly on communicating them to their spouse.

 

Good luck sungirl!

[2sunny]

Sunshine girl thinks all the relationship problems are caused by her husband's introversion. But what she posted can be read two ways--as if his introversion is a response to her dismissive/disrespectful attitude towards him (seems obvious to me actually) but which she herself is blind to.

 

She is so distanced from reality that she doesn't even want to accept the fact that a random 25 year old massage parlor girl is going to be WAY more physically attractive than even a relatively attractive 56 year old hausfrau.

 

Hopefully the resident harpies won't descend and attack...but yeah ladies at 25 you're way more attractive specimens than at 56--on the whole that is.

 

The other thing is I'll be the massage parlor girl doesn't emit an attitude of complete disdain towards your husband like you do.

 

It's funny you even said you shut down communication with him (probably many years ago) yet found a way to blame that on HIM.

 

Nice.

 

i'd like to know how all this blatant criticism is helpful to the OP about the fact that her H cheated?

 

what i see here is a very unhelpful and terribly MEAN post!

 

[PinkInTheLimo]

Do not beat yourself up too badly! A lot of research says that the WS, pre-affair does an excellent job of emotional distancing that creates an environment where everyone walks on eggshells so as to not "upset" them or make make them more uncomfortable.....

 

I agree. The problem is HIS problem, not yours. If he does not want to try to communicate, then he is creating difficulties in your marriage, not you.

He has chosen to keep a distance from you and now even created a bigger distance by going for that erotic massage.

 

If your marriage consists of you trying to be a good (house)wife and not getting a lot in return, ask yourself the question if you want to continue in such an empty marriage. Don't work too hard on saving it, the one who has to save it is your husband not you. You did nothing wrong.

I think your husband is eager to get things back to where they were because he is afraid as hell to find himself without his nice comfortable life. That's where you have the power. Make it clear to him that unless he does the long hard work (counseling and finally being a partner for you), the marriage is over.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

SausijMan posted a # of provocative and interesting comments throwing the blame on the OP. While I did find some over the top, many were fair questions and comments..... And now they were removed.

 

Points I agreed with were:

 

1. Lack of sex is a two way street and the OP didn't really care to do anything about it and figured sex was done..... Is this not a common situation and the woman is relieved that they no longer have to be sexual with their spouse.

2. Comparing the encounters (or intimating) that they were incestuous because their daughters were the same age. Yes it is a cruel fact that if you get an erotic massage or escort, they will often be 20-30 years old.

3. Lack of communication and blaming all of it on him

 

Again a lot of what was said was over the line, but again there were some interesting discussion points and they have been removed from the thread.

 

Are we not adults here? There is plenty of venom for the WS, yet I don't see a post that was deleted attacking him.

[PinkInTheLimo]

SausijMan posted a # of provocative and interesting comments throwing the blame on the OP. While I did find some over the top, many were fair questions and comments..... And now they were removed.

 

Points I agreed with were:

 

1. Lack of sex is a two way street and the OP didn't really care to do anything about it and figured sex was done..... Is this not a common situation and the woman is relieved that they no longer have to be sexual with their spouse.

2. Comparing the encounters (or intimating) that they were incestuous because their daughters were the same age. Yes it is a cruel fact that if you get an erotic massage or escort, they will often be 20-30 years old.

3. Lack of communication and blaming all of it on him

 

Again a lot of what was said was over the line, but again there were some interesting discussion points and they have been removed from the thread.

 

Are we not adults here? There is plenty of venom for the WS, yet I don't see a post that was deleted attacking him.

 

Sorry but if one of the spouses makes a serious mistake, then that spouse is to blame and only that spouse.

In a marriage where there is no agreement that it is an open marriage, there is simply never an excuse to pay a sex worker for a massage. He gets all the blame because he deserves all the blame. The man is not capable of a mature relationship, it's as simple as that.

 

Problems in a marriage are not always the problem of both spouses. Some people are not decent and if you happen to be married to such a person, you can try as hard as you want to make the marriage work, you will give a lot more than you will receive. Not a good deal.

 

I would divorce this man, at 58 he is probably not willing to work on himself.

If my spouse would do this, the relationship would be over, and no, I surely have never put my partners on a sexual diet. I know I am a good lover so if I am not sufficient for my partner, then the relationship is over.

[sungirl]

I haven't been able to check all the posts in the past few days, so I missed sausijman's. I guess I'm glad I did, sounds negative.

[bentnotbroken]

I haven't been able to check all the posts in the past few days, so I missed sausijman's. I guess I'm glad I did, sounds negative.

 

 

I am glad you missed them too.

[soserious1]

SausijMan posted a # of provocative and interesting comments throwing the blame on the OP. While I did find some over the top, many were fair questions and comments..... And now they were removed.

 

Points I agreed with were:

 

1. Lack of sex is a two way street and the OP didn't really care to do anything about it and figured sex was done..... Is this not a common situation and the woman is relieved that they no longer have to be sexual with their spouse.

2. Comparing the encounters (or intimating) that they were incestuous because their daughters were the same age. Yes it is a cruel fact that if you get an erotic massage or escort, they will often be 20-30 years old.

3. Lack of communication and blaming all of it on him

 

Again a lot of what was said was over the line, but again there were some interesting discussion points and they have been removed from the thread.

 

Are we not adults here? There is plenty of venom for the WS, yet I don't see a post that was deleted attacking him.

 

The OP stated that their sexual relationship had dwindled due to her husband's lack of interest, she also stated that she figured he felt that she

at 56 was was no longer physically attractive enough to arouse him, hence his sexual difficulties, she then went onto say that she didn't wish to embarrass him by putting him on the spot about this.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

The OP stated that their sexual relationship had dwindled due to her husband's lack of interest, she also stated that she figured he felt that she

at 56 was was no longer physically attractive enough to arouse him, hence his sexual difficulties, she then went onto say that she didn't wish to embarrass him by putting him on the spot about this.

 

I read that too, but again here we go that men are the one's who want sex and once they stop, the women are thrilled that it is all over???? That's what I am reading from you.

 

How sad. The OP also stated she has put on little weight, thus sorry to be crude, I hope maintained and attempted to stay attractive to her husband.

 

The deleted posted while nasty in many respects, also had some valid points.

 

However as was my post above, has been easily misinterpreted, because it dared ask questions of the cheated upon spouse.

 

I get it, cheating is a one-way raod and only the cheater is to blame.

[xxoo]

I read that too, but again here we go that men are the one's who want sex and once they stop, the women are thrilled that it is all over???? That's what I am reading from you.

 

How sad. The OP also stated she has put on little weight, thus sorry to be crude, I hope maintained and attempted to stay attractive to her husband.

 

I read that differently. I read as her feeling undesirable to her husband, and not pressing it out of fear of rejection. He's shared that he prefers 25 year olds, which will affect a wife's sexual confidence.

 

Regarding weight, she said she gained 13 pounds in 30 years? Are you saying that is too much??? Some weight gain (in this range) is actually healthy for thin women after menopause.

[Woggle]

I don't condone this but I wonder how the reaction would be if the genders were reversed. If it is okay for a woman to blatantly flirt with other men surely this must not be much different.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

I read that differently. I read as her feeling undesirable to her husband, and not pressing it out of fear of rejection. He's shared that he prefers 25 year olds, which will affect a wife's sexual confidence.

 

Regarding weight, she said she gained 13 pounds in 30 years? Are you saying that is too much??? Some weight gain (in this range) is actually healthy for thin women after menopause.

 

Did you not read my follow-up saying I was shocked that the OP sounded defensive that she put on 13 lbs? That's absolutely nothing. I was alluding to being sexually attractive, which has nothing to do with weight. And frankly that is a two way street (i.e. he too must be attractive to her).

 

I didn't read (maybe missed it), that he said he preferred 25 yo's. Frankly I look at my wife and think 25 yo (not her age). The vast majority of men prefer "attractive women" and very few put an age to it.......

 

Frankly as the posts that were erased alluded crudely too, there is a lack of communication going on here.

Edited June 13, 2011 by Toodamnpragmatic

[xxoo]

Did you not read my follow-up saying I was shocked that the OP sounded defensive that she put on 13 lbs? That's absolutely nothing. I was alluding to being sexually attractive, which has nothing to do with weight. And frankly that is a two way street (i.e. he too must be attractive to her).

 

Oh, sorry TDP. I misinterpreted. True that sexually attractive is more than weight, but it so often boils down to pounds around here it seems

 

I didn't read (maybe missed it), that he said he preferred 25 yo's. Frankly I look at my wife and think 25 yo (not her age). The vast majority of men prefer "attractive women" and very few put an age to it.......

 

:)

 

I love your attitude!

 

Here is her quote on the subject, fwiw:

 

As to the weight, I am 5'5 and weigh 135. I was 122 when we got married 30 years ago. He prefers, 25, large breasts and tiny waists. He said that is what it would take to get him going (on porn sites).

Nice aye?

 

Ugh!

[xxoo]

I don't condone this but I wonder how the reaction would be if the genders were reversed. If it is okay for a woman to blatantly flirt with other men surely this must not be much different.

 

C'mon, woggle! He paid a sex worker for a sexual act. That's not flirting.

 

I'd be just as outraged if a woman rejected her husband sexually, and paid for it elsewhere. Of course.

[Woggle]

C'mon, woggle! He paid a sex worker for a sexual act. That's not flirting.

 

I'd be just as outraged if a woman rejected her husband sexually, and paid for it elsewhere. Of course.

 

I hope so. Reading another thread just has me ticked of and I probably should not take it out in this thread.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

it took a 25 yo with big breasts and tiny waists to get him going.

 

I guess I thought maybe she misinterpreted what he said, because otherwise frankly if he is that much of a pig I'd say there is no hope.

 

However remember the early posts talked wonderfully of him as a father, provider and husband and slowly that has been debunked, so I am not really sure of the whole story.

[Mr.Harris]

it took a 25 yo with big breasts and tiny waists to get him going.

 

I guess I thought maybe she misinterpreted what he said, because otherwise frankly if he is that much of a pig I'd say there is no hope.

 

However remember the early posts talked wonderfully of him as a father, provider and husband and slowly that has been debunked, so I am not really sure of the whole story.

 

The fact that he's cheating is quite clear. The motive of trying to find some other message in her posts to excuse his behavior is irrelevant.