Not Sure What To Make Of This

[BrokenFool]

Hi All

please advise me on this before i go mad

recap - NC for 2.5 months now, broken up for 5 , dumped over the phone by narcicist ex for the 100th time in 3 years LDR

when we broke up she deleted whatsapp from her phone ( similar to blackberry messenger)

recently i checked ( yes i know i shouldnt have) to realise shes reinstalled it on her phone

was curious so started logging on and watching - just to see how often she logs on and for how long - maybe for my own peace of mind i wanted to know if she was chatting to her new bf on there ( she told me she had one when i broke nc after 2.5 months but i doubt it )

anyway after looking all week i have concluded this

 

she logs on 1st thing in the morning and late at night and then sometimes during the day every 2 hours

whats app tells you if the other person is online and if not when was the last time they were online

she logs on for less than a minute every time - ie not long enough to either read a message she may have been sent on there or write a message to someone

and then she logs off until a few hours later so shes not having any conversations on there

so it got me thinking if shes not chatting to anybody on there what the hell is she doing logging on so much ? and i realised shes logging on to check when was the last time I logged in - theirs no other plausible reason , after a 3 month absence being back on there you would think she would be logged on for large periods of time , late at night etc chatting to somebody but shes not

add to this 13 private number calls i received in the last month and im thinking maybe shes starting to miss me ????

i deleted my whats app when i realised this was the situation

so my question is

 

can anybody give me their opinion on why they feel she is back on whatsapp and what her usage on their suggests

also should i reinstall my whatsapp so she can see the last time i logged on etc or carry on with the way i am

finally

should i reach out to her or like my friend says wait for her to break cos she is at breaking point now missing me so much to check up to 14 times a DAY the last time i logged on

 

any replies would be greatly appreciated cos this is driving me mental

[Nohbody]

Stop checking on her. It is not going to help you develop emotional space necessary if she breaks and comes back. Do not reinstall whatever the hell it's called. Remain a ghost in her life. If she really wants to contact you, she will. If she doesn't, she won't. Stay NC. Good luck.

[geegirl]

1. If you claim she is a "narcissistic ex", why would you want to go back?

 

2. You're broken up. Why are you keeping tabs on her?

 

3. You've been dumped for the "100th" time by this "narcissistic" ex. You're going back for another dumping?

 

4. It's been 5 months since you broke up. What have you been doing with your life or at least evaluating in hopes of getting some mental clarity about yourself -- as to why you chose to stay with someone who kept dumping you and is "narcissistic"?

 

YOU are choosing to drive yourself mental.

Edited June 8, 2011 by geegirl

[2011]

Hey

 

My ex done the same thing on a dating site after we broke up, we both still had profiles on it so I would sit there and watch for maybe two months most nights (sad I know) watching her log on for like two minutes then off and back on for two minutes every half hour. I don't know if she was checking I was online, I did have a duplicate dummy account so I could see her but she didn't see I was online on my own profile.

 

I could only guess what she was doing and to think she was checking up on me would have been silly, it's what I would have liked to have imagined what was happening but she could have been stalking some other guy.

 

That has all stopped and she doesn't go on much and has never ever contacted me. So if she missed me that much she would have contacted by now right - WRONG!

 

2011

[Mack05]

BrokenFool,

 

Why are you doing this to yourself? I was badly mistreated by my ex too at the end. I was like you. I became obsessed. I couldn't sleep at night with a million questions going through my mind. Why did I make the mistakes I made?. Why did she treat me so horribly?. What if this happened?, what if I did things differently?, what can i do to make her talk to me?. I beat myself over and over. Mistakes I made when with her, before her.

 

If you stay in this kind of thinking you never get better. Not only that it drains you of all your positive energy. Remove any memory of you ex. Photo's, Facebook, Mobile, MSN, Blackberry, emails EVERYTHING. Try doing one positive thing a day. When you feel like this it's like climbing out of a big hole. Sometimes you will take a step back (I have, even recently) but the crucial thing is to keep moving forward. You will get there. I promise you, not only that you will find a woman who is 100 times the person then your ex ever will be. You have been beaten up enough (by her and by you). It's come the time to say ENOUGH!!!Forgive her, let her go and move on...

[BrokenFool]

gee girl - thanks for your input, and your right, i need to look deep in myself and see why i tolerated this , the only thing i can say is this

im not a game player, putting on the tears, saying rosy words, making future plans etc she was , so whenever we would break up or should i say i would get dumped and i would be strong enough to go nc straight away she would use these games to reel me back in and i would fall for it

secondly because nearly 90% of the dumpings were over small petty things that i had SAID on the phone which she didnt like, my heart didnt want to throw the relationship away over something so petty and small so i would try to fix things however wrong that may have been

ive quit smoking, lost weight , got a new job better than hers and paying much more, finished my mba , booked a lads holiday with the boys so i have been trying to get over this but somewhere in my heart so deep her claws still hang on to me and i cant shake it

2011 - thanks for your advice bruv and im sorry to hear what you went through , my ex was on a dating site and i used to do the exact same , she used that to her advantage once to get us talking again by logging on for 4 hours knowing i would be looking, it would hurt me i would break and contact her which i did

the only thing i would say is sometimes the dumper realises they left things in such a nasty horrible way that they are scared to reach out to us , my ex has done that recently giving me private number calls at 07.56am and 7 of them so i would know it was her and maybe contact her , she would have then denied she had rang me and made small talk to re establish the lines of communication

Mack05 - i dont know why im doing this to my self, i certainly deserve better, im a nice guy , wasnt always perfect but did some awesome things for her like driving 600 miles to see her for 30 mins on her birthday with such special sentimental gifts etc she used to say she wouldnt find anybody like me

i suppose i was that guy after the breakup wth calls and texts and begging and pleading for friendship , even going as far as saying if you even text me once a month to let me know you are ok thats fine with me , yes sounds pathetic now when i look back but thats how hurt i was and wanted her in my life, she didnt value the fact that at least i tried to fight for her back like i had always done , maybe she would have wanted me more if when she broke up with me i had just said ok bye - but then i feel that would have showed i didnt love her

i actually have somebody interested in me who is so much nicer loving than my ex but my heart doesnt want to move on , hope is the last thing that leaves and im ashamed to admit i still have hope

the changing of the facebook profile pics she has done lately, the missed calls i have received, 7 in one morning, and now her checking whatsapp up to 8 times a day , and before anybody says it yes i know i shouldnt have checked but i just wanted to work out what her game was , and after monitoring have found she logs on for under a minute, not enough time to read or write a message to anybody, in which case if she did write a message to somebody they would reply and she would be back online to read it which hasnt happened yet , so she is logged on just enough time to see my last log on time which hasnt changed since i realised she was doing this and this seems to be getting to her - she has started logging on a lot more frequently maybe hoping that she will see oh he was online today hes ok or not logging on as much

i know after breaking nc last time and getting told she was now with somebody else and to leave her alone and her have some guy pick her phone up and tell me she doesnt wanna talk to me and have her friend tell me i need to stop harassing her with calls and texts that i cant break NC this time

no way ive come to far 10 weeks NC my longest yet i cant break it and start again

i cant

so shes gonna have to make the first move and i cant wait around forever either

after this whatsapp thing she has nothing to monitor me on so i wonder if she will contact me

i really hope she does , forget a relationship , even if she rings to apologise or see how i am as a friend i will feel i meant SOMETHING to her no matter how small and that will mean a lot to me

i still want a female perspective on why now after 10 weeks NC shes monitoring my log on activity on a daily basis ???

thanks guys for your opinions and support, if it wasnt for you guys i would have broke a long time ago

[Mack05]

Dude you need to let this go, for the sake of your own sanity. Our ex's when they break up with us, are hurt by the mistakes we have made towards them. Sometime clicks in them, they talk it over with their friends and they make a decision that we are not the right guys for them. They then put up an unbreakable emotional wall around their hearts and no matter what we do or say or no matter how good our intentions are, Most of the time, that wall ain't ever coming down.

 

But just because they are hurt and anger at us doesn't mean they don't still care about us or have some feelings for us. They just no longer want to be with us..My relationship with my ex couldn't have ended worse, but when time passes I am sure she will look back and say to herself "He was a good guy. He was just going through a tough time in his life when we were together". I will say she was a great girl, just suffered from a horrible hand that she got dealt with in life.

 

Hanging on for a phonecall or praying for her to 'see the light' is time wasted. You will end up wasting so much time and so much of your positive energy. Before you realise it another 6 months have past and your still stuck in the same hole, stuck in the same rut. If you honestly feel about her, the way you say you do then forgive her and let her go. You will be doing both of you a massive favour.

Edited June 9, 2011 by Mack05

[geegirl]

Read what you write. You realize that she is a game player. Game playing is manipulation. You keep falling for the same tactics over and over again. So she does it over and over again becasue she knows she can reel you back in whenever she wants. You enable her behavior. You allow yourself to be treated poorly. And you allow yourself to be manipulated.

 

It's not that your heart didn't want to throw away a "relationship" because of something so petty, it's because you are addicted to the toxicity. You confuse toxicity for passion. You confuse abuse for love.

 

Someone who loves you and cares deeply for you does not break up with you every two seconds. They don't throw you out and reel you back in with game playing.

 

Her claws are stuck in you because you allow it. It's no one else's fault but yours. She is doing what she does best. Manipulate. You are doing what you do best. Enabling and allowing yourself to be mistreated and disrespected. Either you choose to find a backbone and stand up for yourself and realize you deserve better. Or you continue to be stay stuck in her games.

 

What "first move" are you so desperately waiting for? For her to apologize? You want an aploogy from someone who treats you badly? What significance would it have coming from someone like that? If you see her as a "friend", you have a warped sense of what the value of a friend is. You don't need her validation that you meant something to her. Look at her actions. Did she treat you with respect, love and care when in the relationship or bumped you around like a rag doll?

 

It's not a matter of female persperctive. You don't need a female or a male to tell you what she's doing. If you know she manipulates and has constantly played games with you and you believe she is narcissistic, you know she's doing what she does best. No one needs to tell you what you already know. She's not looking to love you, care for you or apologize to you. Someone who wanted to do all those things, would show you and tell you. They won't be monitoring you over some app.

 

You really need to start focusing on why you are choosing to indulge in toxic people and situations.

[Mack05]

Read what you write. You realize that she is a game player. Game playing is manipulation. You keep falling for the same tactics over and over again. So she does it over and over again becasue she knows she can reel you back in whenever she wants. You enable her behavior. You allow yourself to be treated poorly. And you allow yourself to be manipulated.

 

It's not that your heart didn't want to throw away a "relationship" because of something so petty, it's because you are addicted to the toxicity. You confuse toxicity for passion. You confuse abuse for love.

 

Someone who loves you and cares deeply for you does not break up with you every two seconds. They don't throw you out and reel you back in with game playing.

 

Her claws are stuck in you because you allow it. It's no one else's fault but yours. She is doing what she does best. Manipulate. You are doing what you do best. Enabling and allowing yourself to be mistreated and disrespected. Either you choose to find a backbone and stand up for yourself and realize you deserve better. Or you continue to be stay stuck in her games.

 

What "first move" are you so desperately waiting for? For her to apologize? You want an aploogy from someone who treats you badly? What significance would it have coming from someone like that? If you see her as a "friend", you have a warped sense of what the value of a friend is. You don't need her validation that you meant something to her. Look at her actions. Did she treat you with respect, love and care when in the relationship or bumped you around like a rag doll?

 

It's not a matter of female persperctive. You don't need a female or a male to tell you what she's doing. If you know she manipulates and has constantly played games with you and you believe she is narcissistic, you know she's doing what she does best. No one needs to tell you what you already know. She's not looking to love you, care for you or apologize to you. Someone who wanted to do all those things, would show you and tell you. They won't be monitoring you over some app.

 

You really need to start focusing on why you are choosing to indulge in toxic people and situations.

 

+ 1 Great post as always G

[BrokenFool]

First of all I have to say all though your words sting somewhat, thank you for being honest, open and transparent with me , its what i need

the honest way of even answering your views is this

 

i had never been out with anybody like her in my life, the 3 previous relationships i had before which were all +3 years were nice, loving, caring, respectful relationships so i know the problem doesnt lie with me , maybe this is a bad thing though because it made me even more determined to prove her wrong, to prove to her that i could make this work between us and we were a good couple

 

i did a few wrong things at the start of the relationship, which although understandable were wrong, i always felt maybe thats why things went wrong because of that so if i stayed long enough i could prove to her that she was all i wanted

 

did she treat me with love care and respect ? sometimes and this is WHERE THE CONFUSION in my heart lies

on one hand you have somebody who helped me revise for a exam cooked for me whilst i was revising gave me back rubs booked me trips to a spa to destress booked me a vip trip to my football clubs trophy room for my birthday

these incidences were few and far between mind you , looking back now whenever she felt she was losing her grip on me she would do something, which usually involved spending money on , to show me she cared for me somewhat

on the other hand you have

a girl who then dumped me before every other mba exam and when i failed a couple due to the stress of her dumping me and not being able to revise said thats god punishing you for the lies you tell, dumped me before my birthdays , before christmas , for being late to see her cos i was stuck in traffic etc

 

she told me when we met, im insecure, ive had these problems with my father in my upbringing etc and i felt like i wanted to be the one to save her and be her protector, what she didnt tell me is im still in love with my ex and still in contact with him behind your back , sending him picture messages, meeting him cos he lived in the same town whilst i lived miles away and i truly in my heart believe things were so rough between us because she still loved him and her heart wanted him not me

 

will an apology of her mean something to me ? probably but your right aswell in the sense what good a apology from someone who deserted me EVERY time i needed her yet had said to me your my rock and always there for me , PROMISED you have always got me then would dump me a few weeks later, i dont know if one half of me is wanting an apology so then it would be validation for me that she cant move on as fast as she proclaimed to me she could

 

and gee your right i allowed her to treat me this way SIMPLE the times when she made a move to come back to me if i had showed a bit of backbone she would have known she cant get away with treating me this way , but i didnt , i showed her you can do what you want to me treat me the way you want and i will still be here like your little puppy dog, but ive learnt a lot , in 5 months i broke NC once, due to being away from home missing her getting a job involving working her home town and stupidly i thought this would mean something to her, i got burnt and learnt my lesson and now am at 10 weeks NC, she has given me 14 private number calls, changed her facebook profile pic and is now on whatsapp all attempts to get me to break and contact her which i havent and wont , so i have learnt and got stronger

ok gee my one question to you and please just give me your view

 

when i realised she is logging on to whatsapp to view my last log in i deleted my whatsapp so when she logs on now it says last logged in on such a such date, do i think forget her and reinstall my whatsapp so she can monitor me or stay away like i have done

which would get to her more

 

and thanks for your advice i really appreciate it and in my weak moments will read what you wrote to stop me from breaking anymore

i suppose i want her to go through some pain after all the pain she put me through

[Mack05]

I don't want to diagnose anybody here broken fool, but your relationship is eerily similiar to mine (except yours was longer) and the advice GeeGirl gave to you, is the exact same advice as my family gave to me. I think your maybe Co-Dependent mate (I am) -> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Codependency. She definitely has issues, maybe some sort of personality disorder (Can you relate to this article -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a101.htm). Either way I am no professional, just maybe something for you to investigate.

 

Like you my relationship with my ex was toxic, but it wasn't always like that. At the start all we see, is what we want to see. We meet someone beautiful, who seems sooo sweet and caring. You think how lucky am I!!?My ex too did some nice sweet things for me. That's why when it all goes bad, you want to go back to the good days. You want to see that sweet caring girl you remembered from the start.

 

Sadly we stay in a vicious cycle. Some happy days, some bad days and loads of break ups. Broken you can either stay in this toxic relationship or break free of her grip she has on you right now. You are obsessing over this girl (I did the same!). Your hoping she will see the light and go back to being the sweet girl she was at the start. Read Gee Girls response over and over again. You need to break the grip she has over you. Do what I am doing. Treat you ex (in your mind) as this crazy stalker. Remove all ways of contacting her. Disappear from her life and make sure she disappears from yours. Ignore Gee girls advice and still be posting the same stuff here in 6 months - 1 year..I urge you mate. Let this GO! I promise you it's for the best

Edited June 9, 2011 by Mack05

[BrokenFool]

Mack - if you really wanna know what hell i been through and allowed myself to go through here goes

we get introduced on the phone we talk , after a while i say look we arent suited we think differently she cries she says im taking what she has said the wrong way says shes coming to my home town to see me on x date for 3 days whether i come or not is up to me but shes just telling me shes gonna be here ( like a fool i go)

we meet we have a nice time the sex is amazing she talks marriage talks kids future engagement everything i think ok

fast forward 3 months shes pushing for engagement but by this time ive already been dumped 3-4 times

one time she dumped me she texts me

her: can i ask a favour?

me: what ?

her: I am in such a such town im hungry and dont know where to get food from ?

me: i rush to get her food from my home town drive to where she is drop it off she starts crying says " i lost what i wanted" i say NO " you dumped what you say you wanted " she cries some more we have sex and we are back together

so in march shes pushing engagement i say look i cant get engaged to you until the dumpings stop they scare me make me feel worthless to you she agrees, i say lets have ONE period of 6-8 weeks with no dumpings and we will get engaged never happened

held it against me that we didnt get engaged and i wasted 3 years of her life, however the times i offered engagement she didnt want it

found out after 15 months she had been talking to her ex ( went out for 5 years still in touch with him lost her virginity to him) behind mine and his girlfriends back , only way i found out by getting a friend of mine to check her phone bills for me - twists it around on me i invaded her privacy for checking her phone bills, he was just a friend etc

promises never to chat to him again cries we have min blowing sex again kisses from my feet to my head to apologise,

few weeks later check her other phone and shes been chatting to him again

held it against me that i checked her phone bills and says im like her dad he used to always check up on her and she doesnt wanna marry somebody with traits like her dad

she says she doesnt want a husband like her cousin has , he has no opinion agrees with her on everything - however whenever i give a opinion she doesnt like im dumped

she says its normal to have some arguments in a relationship they keep it healthy - never had one where i didnt get dumped

in 3 years dumped more times than i can remember for anything she thinks off

dumped before exams, birthdays, christmas, job interview everything

for her 30th birthday i drove 600 miles to see her i got her

a cake shaped like a designer handbag

a designer hand bag

a designer purse

perfume

a rose laser engraved with happy 30th birthday on it

special wrapping paper with our picture on it

a watch

i put up banners and balloons in the hotel room sang her happy birthday she came to see me for 30 mins had sex then went

2 days later she rings me

her: i think we should get back together , ive been a bit hasty with you

me: dont just say that because i did something nice for your birthday , only say it if you mean it , cos whatever i did for your birthday i did out of love not because i had a ulterior motive

her: no i mean it ive thought about it

 

2 days later i said something, she thought i was trying to make her feel guilty by saying it DUMPED

and you know what despite knowing for a whole week i was gonna come see her i didnt even get a birthday card i said nothing

 

fast forward a year later im thinking because of what happend last year she will make extra effort this year

the night before my birthday and we are talking on the phone she has befriended this lad from across the road, has told me he fancies her etc and he is writing on her wall every day

me: i hate that guy on your facebook

her: who:

me: you know who , mr arsey arsey lickey lickey whos trying to be your best mate

her: why do you hate him is it because he fancies me

me: not really i think hes a ugly cunt

 

DUMPED didnt speak to me for my whole birthday and then on her birthday the day after when i rang to wish her a happy birthday picked up and made plans to see me the next day

 

she puts us on a 2 week break im not allowed to contact her

after about 1.5 weeks i break and ring her, she flares up i dont wanna be with somebody who cant respect my decision for space

we have to do the 2 weeks again

 

i put us on a 2 week break

the very next day a text " i know i shouldnt i just had to say i miss you i miss you i miss you please dont text back"

a few days later writes on her facebook wall knowing i would see " x is having a wee cry"

a few days later rings me i dont answer rings back a few hours later, i says whats up, sorry to contact you i was just seeing if you are gonna be free to come with me to my hospital appointment

me; yeah course when is it

her: i dont know i havent booked it yet

 

once im working in London i get a email

i love you but im not in love with you anymore

i respond ok thats fine dont contact her

next day email

sorry, i love you i want you i miss you i need you hope you having the sweetest of dreams

 

asides from the dumpings she disappeared for nights , said she had taken night nurse which had knocked her out

accused me of being on a matrimonial site ( which she then later joined) of lying about how many times i had been on holiday, of being in ikea with my mum, accused me of having many girlfriends, etc

i was always to blame always in the wrong , never ever out of the 150 odd dumpings did she make the move to contact me and i took it

for what mack ? why did i take it ? what did i do to deserve this ?

not being dumped face to face, for a valid reason, no care or concern about what i wanted or how her dumping me again shattered my confidence and belief in love , how staying in touch after breaking up even if it was a little bit was important to me

how somebody could be fine one minute then the next dumped deleted of bbm deleted of facebook calls and texts ignored why did she do this to me

and your right i should let go but i cant forgive her mack , i know in my heart of hearts deep in my soul i never did anything hurtful or harmful to this girl so why did she do this to me

and she cant have been messing about because for asian girl to not be married at 32 is a big no no so she wouldnt have wasted 3 years of her life with me their has to be something there

one part of me thinks sod it reinstall my whatsapp and let her bloody monitor me then the other half thinks no she doesnt deserve to monitor me sod her

let her go through what i went through

ive got so much hurt and anger inside me simply because i didnt deserve what she put me through and an apology would mean she now realises that

i know if i contact her now the power would be back in her hands and i wont give her that

she can monitor me all she wants my status as to when i last logged in isnt going to change

i just wish one of you guys on here could says something

shes monitoring you probably because of this ? and whats likely to happen is this ?

maybe im just mental

[geegirl]

I'm sorry if I was harsh. It was not my intent to hurt you. But your story relates to me and I feel your confusion and pain.

 

I too came from the same type of relationship. Granted my ex is a diagnosed narcissist, it doesn't make it any different. The times he was sweet, caring, nurturing, kind to the times he was cheating, raging, breaking up with me, etc. can really take a toll on your emotional and mental well being. You want those good times back so badly that you stay and stay hoping one day it will come back. If it was there before, it has to come back. It has to exist. But it never came back. The person that cheated on me, lied to me, raged at me, broke up with me when things weren't going his way, that's the person he really is. It's easy to put on a facade. It's easy to put on a show to keep you hooked. You noticed that she did nice things when she was losing grip. Why? Control. She was controlling the R the way she desired. Keep you when she wants. Toss you when she doesn't.

 

These types of toxic relationships can really hook you bad. You've been made to feel bad for so long that after awhile you keep wanting to go back for more, eventhough you know it's bad for you. It becomes a bad addiction. Most times you don't know which way is up or down, what's right or wrong because you've lost all sense of judgement because she was the one that was in control. You followed along and lost yourself.

 

I believe I am co-dependent. My life was not complete if I wasn't with my ex. His validation meant everything to me. Without it, I felt like I was nothing. The R was abusive, game playing, back and forth, hot and cold. I stayed to get the good times back. It never existed. It was all a front to keep me there. When the real person emerged, that's when the toxicity was at it's peak. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I know how you feel. There were good times, yes. But was it enough to risk my emotional health and sanity? No.

 

A healthy relationship should keep you happy. It should motivate you, sustain you, nourish you, give you joy, make you share, it's unconditional, it's loyal, it's loving and caring. You know this. You've been in a good relationship. You don't have to wait for the good times to come back. You don't have to seek that "good girl" you once met. A good relationship does not "lose" the good times or the good girl. It's just always there.

 

You want an apology because you want to feel that you meant something to her. That the R was of value to her, enough to acknowledge your hurt and pain. But you have to look at her actions. Not the good times when she felt she was losing grip. But the bad. Actions speak louder than words.

 

ok gee my one question to you and please just give me your view

 

when i realised she is logging on to whatsapp to view my last log in i deleted my whatsapp so when she logs on now it says last logged in on such a such date, do i think forget her and reinstall my whatsapp so she can monitor me or stay away like i have done

which would get to her more

 

I believe that the only reason you would want to reinstall is because YOU WANT her to monitor you and hopefully get a reaction from her. If YOU had your best interest at heart, you would disable everything that connects you to her so that you won't have a lifeline to her. Keeping that app alive only feeds into the dysfunction between you and her.

 

It's not about "getting to her"...then you're no different because this too is game playing.

 

You have to make a choice to stay rolling in the mud with her or removing yourself completely from any connection to her because YOU choose YOU first. You choose to heal and find your sanity back. You choose to remove all negativity from your life. You choose to live a healthier life, emotionally and mentally. There is a bigger picture Broken. You're failing to look past the mess infront of you.

 

If you truly want to rid yourself of the nasty, you need cut everything that connects you to her. Don't look for the clown and don't let yourself be found by the clown.

 

The best revenge is living well. She will always be who she is. You however, after some time of focusing on yourself and detaching completely from this situation, will be able to find someone who will reciprocate all that you give. That will be your revenge. You don't know what goes on inside her. She may have her own demons that keep her awake at night. She may have to go through this dysfunction forever if she doesn't find her awareness.

 

Focus on you. Keep NC. Cut all ties. Start fresh. You know it's bad for you. You're successful in other areas of your life. Focus on this area. Start working on strengthening a healthier emotional you.

Edited June 9, 2011 by geegirl

[Mack05]

Mate I promise you this. Forgiveness frees us to move on. I have posted this link a few times on this site. It's a movie, go to 3:50 and listen to the speech -> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PLsWSiitLGw&feature=related

 

Forgiving is VERY hard, especially when you know you didn't deserve to be treated the way she treated you.."If we want to win we gotta let ‘em go. Forgive ‘em and move on. Other wise we give them too much power over us. And they don’t deserve it.."

Here is my story about forgiving my ex -> http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t278257/. I am almost there. I get some days I still get angry at my ex, but overall yes I have forgiven my ex and wish her well in her life. Forgiving her has given me a lot of peace and serenity. It's helped me moved on. "God give me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, the courage the chnage the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference".

 

Right now you are focusing all your energy on her. It's wasted! You keep doing this you will drain yourself of all your positive energy. You need to focus on you (YOU ALONE), Learn from your mistakes, make yourself a better man. Once you love yourself again and get your self esteem back, then you will attract the right kind of girls. You will end up with a woman that deserves you and vice versa. Right now you are in a big hole (a rut so to speak), looking up thinking I can't climb out of this. You need to focus one day at a time. Keep moving forward, baby steps. Do something positive every day. A few idea's..

 

1) Exercise is proven to make you feel better..

2) Write letters to your ex, that you will never send..Also write a diary. The first things that come into your head write them down and don't edit it.

3) Remove all traces from your ex in your house and also remove any means of communication.

4) Write down goals. Short term goals and long terms goals. Cross each one off that you achieve. Goals give your day purpose..

5) Hang out with friends more

6) Make a bigger effort with family. Be a better son/brother/uncle/cousin

7) Vent on here!

8) Maybe go to church more. Even if you are not spiritual thinking things in church can be very theraputic..

 

It doesn't matter if some days you take a step back. As long in the main that you keep moving forward. That is how winning is done. When you past this test of character and climd out of this rut you will be a far better person and you can put this experience behind you..

[BrokenFool]

Gee

your right in a lot of ways

when your in a relationship and all your ever hearing is

my friends dont want me with you if you make me unhappy

your not the one for me

you have this flaw

that flaw

you do this wrong

you wear this wrong

 

you want to stay and almost disprove them , you want them to say yes i notice the changes your making for me whilst at the same time they wont make any changes for you

then the tide changes and you hear

 

i wont ever find anybody like you who cares for me and does as much for me as you do

i think your the better looking out of us two

i hope our kids get your lips your eyes etc

my friends really liked you

etc

 

and you dont know where you are, the ground from beneath you is getting pulled so often your whole foundations are gone

throw in some insecurities

 

her ex on the scene, her lying about him in the first place , him living in her town me 300 miles away her breaking up with me so often her never being the one to make up , etc and you maybe think things that arent there

then weird instances

 

her disappearing at nights saying night nurse knocked her out - for 24+ hours

her getting urine infections all the time

once her starting to cry midway through sex saying your gonna leave me i know you are your gonna leave me , me stopping reassuring her then her dumping me a few weeks later

 

its not a case of i want her to monitor me on that app to get a reaction out of her, more like i want her to feel you know what hes using that app getting on with his life hasnt contacted me maybe hes talkin to some other girl

i talk to a lot of friends on there so why shouldnt i use it

STUPIDLY when i realised she was back on this app and monitoring me on it i put a cryptic message on my status

--- loves --- which she will know is for her

so i am gonna reinstall that app today delete that message and then just use it like normal

i have deleted all links to her i deleted my whatsapp , my facebook havent so much as given her a private number call which i know for fact she gave me a month back so i am trying

and it doesnt hurt as much

i finally can see you guys point of view

i cant wait around forever whats done is done and i need to move forward

she will be back though i promise you that

its in her psyche once she feels OMG i have finally lost him and then new guy doesnt take as much crap and for as long as i did she will be back

but she wont find me

thanks guys i really appreciate it

[geegirl]

i just wish one of you guys on here could says something

shes monitoring you probably because of this ? and whats likely to happen is this ?

maybe im just mental

 

I can't read her mind so I will make a guess:

 

She's monitoring you because:

 

1) She is curious about what you're doing.

2) She is bored and needs attention.

3) If she knows you can see her monitoring you, she is likely throwing out the bait to see if you react.

 

Likely to happen:

 

1) She doesn't hear from you, wants to get control so she contacts you 2) She doesn't hear from you and gets bored and leaves you alone

[Mack05]

i just wish one of you guys on here could says something shes monitoring you probably because of this ? and whats likely to happen is this ? maybe im just mental

 

Every effort to understand or help this type of woman is an excruciatingly pointless exercise in emotional rescue. No physical, financial or emotional assistance ever seems to make any lasting difference. It's like pouring the best of yourself into a galactic-sized Psychological Black Hole of bottomless emotional hunger

[Mack05]

I'm sorry if I was harsh. It was not my intent to hurt you. But your story relates to me and I feel your confusion and pain.

 

I too came from the same type of relationship. Granted my ex is a diagnosed narcissist, it doesn't make it any different. The times he was sweet, caring, nurturing, kind to the times he was cheating, raging, breaking up with me, etc. can really take a toll on your emotional and mental well being. You want those good times back so badly that you stay and stay hoping one day it will come back. If it was there before, it has to come back. It has to exist. But it never came back. The person that cheated on me, lied to me, raged at me, broke up with me when things weren't going his way, that's the person he really is. It's easy to put on a facade. It's easy to put on a show to keep you hooked. You noticed that she did nice things when she was losing grip. Why? Control. She was controlling the R the way she desired. Keep you when she wants. Toss you when she doesn't.

 

These types of toxic relationships can really hook you bad. You've been made to feel bad for so long that after awhile you keep wanting to go back for more, eventhough you know it's bad for you. It becomes a bad addiction. Most times you don't know which way is up or down, what's right or wrong because you've lost all sense of judgement because she was the one that was in control. You followed along and lost yourself.

 

I believe I am co-dependent. My life was not complete if I wasn't with my ex. His validation meant everything to me. Without it, I felt like I was nothing. The R was abusive, game playing, back and forth, hot and cold. I stayed to get the good times back. It never existed. It was all a front to keep me there. When the real person emerged, that's when the toxicity was at it's peak. I didn't know if I was coming or going. I know how you feel. There were good times, yes. But was it enough to risk my emotional health and sanity? No.

 

A healthy relationship should keep you happy. It should motivate you, sustain you, nourish you, give you joy, make you share, it's unconditional, it's loyal, it's loving and caring. You know this. You've been in a good relationship. You don't have to wait for the good times to come back. You don't have to seek that "good girl" you once met. A good relationship does not "lose" the good times or the good girl. It's just always there.

 

You want an apology because you want to feel that you meant something to her. That the R was of value to her, enough to acknowledge your hurt and pain. But you have to look at her actions. Not the good times when she felt she was losing grip. But the bad. Actions speak louder than words.

 

ok gee my one question to you and please just give me your view

 

when i realised she is logging on to whatsapp to view my last log in i deleted my whatsapp so when she logs on now it says last logged in on such a such date, do i think forget her and reinstall my whatsapp so she can monitor me or stay away like i have done

which would get to her more

 

I believe that the only reason you would want to reinstall is because YOU WANT her to monitor you and hopefully get a reaction from her. If YOU had your best interest at heart, you would disable everything that connects you to her so that you won't have a lifeline to her. Keeping that app alive only feeds into the dysfunction between you and her.

 

It's not about "getting to her"...then you're no different because this too is game playing.

 

You have to make a choice to stay rolling in the mud with her or removing yourself completely from any connection to her because YOU choose YOU first. You choose to heal and find your sanity back. You choose to remove all negativity from your life. You choose to live a healthier life, emotionally and mentally. There is a bigger picture Broken. You're failing to look past the mess infront of you.

 

If you truly want to rid yourself of the nasty, you need cut everything that connects you to her. Don't look for the clown and don't let yourself be found by the clown.

 

The best revenge is living well. She will always be who she is. You however, after some time of focusing on yourself and detaching completely from this situation, will be able to find someone who will reciprocate all that you give. That will be your revenge. You don't know what goes on inside her. She may have her own demons that keep her awake at night. She may have to go through this dysfunction forever if she doesn't find her awareness.

 

Focus on you. Keep NC. Cut all ties. Start fresh. You know it's bad for you. You're successful in other areas of your life. Focus on this area. Start working on strengthening a healthier emotional you.

 

If only I had seen this 3 months ago. I might have made even more progess, then I have already made. Great post Gee girl. I have no doubt we will all learn from our experiences, be better people and met people who deserve our love and see our hearts..Great thread

[BrokenFool]

I can't read her mind so I will make a guess:

 

She's monitoring you because:

 

1) She is curious about what you're doing.

2) She is bored and needs attention. -

3) If she knows you can see her monitoring you, she is likely throwing out the bait to see if you react.

 

Likely to happen:

 

1) She doesn't hear from you, wants to get control so she contacts you 2) She doesn't hear from you and gets bored and leaves you alone

 

 

Shes monitoring you because

1) probably

2) doubt it , i live too far to give her attention and plus if what she told me was right about having a new boyfriend he will be giving her all the attention she needs

3) i doubt she knows this because she blocked me on whatsapp so from my phone i cant see when she has logged in or send her a message - i have been monitoring her from a friends phone which she wont know about but i get the idea about her throwing the bait out, thats why im gonna give her some bait back im gonna log on and then not log in again for another few weeks , almost like a rollercoaster, after 2 weeks of her being on a straight logging on and seeing no change today when she logs on it will be like a dip on a rollercoaster to her heart to see ive been online today and then boom im gonna disappear again

 

Whats likely to happen ?

contact me ? she wont shes to much of a scaredy cat to do that , the way she left things didnt wanna talk to me , got some guy to pick up the phone and pretend it was his phone, ignored all my texts and calls etc she would never have the guts to contact me directly for fear of

 

me telling her to bugger off

me refusing to speak with her

me telling her ive moved on or engaged now

leave me alone ? well apart from the private number calls shes pretty much done that

 

i just wish i could speak with her once, air all our grievances after this even if we never talk again at least we have both cleared the air

 

thanks geegirl and mack - weve all been through a lot and its their loss not ours

at least we are decent enough to acknowledge our faults and TRY make amends for them

nobodys perfect and nobodys an angel

 

right at the end she said to me - i know i might be making the biggest mistake of my life

she still went ahead and made it

[geegirl]

You know Mack, when I was in the thick of dysfuction and even after the breakup, I cried so much wondering why I had to suffer that experience. I played victim for a long time. Now that I am gaining clarity, I feel thankful for the experience. If not for it, I would not have had the realization that I needed to work and focus on myself. No one made me a victim but me. So I am doing all I can to find a healthier me. And now I can spot BS a mile away! I really had to be hit hard to learn and my ex. was the horror of all horrors!

[geegirl]

i just wish i could speak with her once, air all our grievances after this even if we never talk again at least we have both cleared the air

 

You expect too much from her. Someone who manipulates and controls is not looking for amicable closure and peaceful endings. You expect that from people who are emotionally healthy, respectful and considerate.

 

And even if you shared your "grievances", most likely she will turn it all around and either blame you for it all or she would probably deny. Either way, you feel bad again.

[Mack05]

You know Mack, when I was in the thick of dysfuction and even after the breakup, I cried so much wondering why I had to suffer that experience. I played victim for a long time. Now that I am gaining clarity, I feel thankful for the experience. If not for it, I would not have had the realization that I needed to work and focus on myself. No one made me a victim but me. So I am doing all I can to find a healthier me. And now I can spot BS a mile away! I really had to be hit hard to learn and my ex. was the horror of all horrors!

 

Geegirl, I couldn't agree with you more. I can't believe I am saying this, but I am really happy I went through this experience. It has been literally life changing!. Before when I broke up with girls, I always blamed them. I was never the problem. This time I focused on my faults, where I have been going wrong. What can I do to be a better man, a better partner. Yes I am a good guy, but I am not perfect. Like everyone else I have my faults.

 

Going through what I have gone through has made me become so self aware. My inner strength and confidence is returning more and more each day and I will end up a far better/stronger person for what I went through. Plus like you I will NEVER be duped again.

[Mack05]

You expect too much from her. Someone who manipulates and controls is not looking for amicable closure and peaceful endings. You expect that from people who are emotionally healthy, respectful and considerate.

 

And even if you shared your "grievances", most likely she will turn it all around and either blame you for it all or she would probably deny. Either way, you feel bad again.

 

Agree with Geegirl. After 2 weeks of no contact with my ex (after she dumped me by the phone for the 3rd time in 3 weeks) I sent her a text saying let's end things in a classy way. At this stage, I realised what we had was over. I said we had lots of good times, that the ending we had let us both down and that we deserved better. To end things is a nice way. Her reply was "if you contact me again I will call the poilce and you will be prosecuted for harrassement".

 

Broken you assume they think like we do. But as G said we are emotionally healthy, respectful and considerate. They are the exact opposite...Emotionally unhealthy, disrespectful, selfish and inconsiderate. Believe me we are all SO MUCH better without these type of narcissistic cowards in our lives :-)

[BrokenFool]

Mack & Gee - thanks so much for your advice, opinions and stories, i know its not easy to rehash what you been through but thanks

ive decided im gonna live my life , im not a game player or manipulative i came into her life with love and i left with love , when she told me she had somebody else i wished her well and said good luck i hope it works out for you

im not gonna play silly games hoping delusionally that it mught bring her back or get her thinking about me etc

if thats gonna happen it will anyway

im gonna reinstall my whatsapp and live my life

if she wants to monitor when i log on etc good for her

thanks guys