Cheating? I am completely lost - BF needs answers

[Steveinshambles]

I have been in a difficult relationship for 2 years now. Recently I moved to the Chicago area in hopes of better employment opportunities as far as starting my career with the promise of my GF coming with me.

 

I think this is a no-brainer, but I just need some reassurances that this is the right path to take...

 

A little background, she cheated on me last year. She got a waitressing job at a bar, and she started seeing her boss. She since quit her job and felt awful for what happened and we decided that we wanted to work through it. I forgave and in time will forget, but obviously this brought up new trust issues that were never there. She has a lot of issues/baggage that she brings with her. Her mother has remarried 5 times when she was growing up, never met her father, and has some relationship/emotional issues because of all that. Which is why I think she cheated in the first place, but I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't say for sure. I decided to move to Chicago to find better career opportunities for myself and ultimately make things better for us.

 

However, the job search hasn't been great, and it's expensive to live out here. Distance sucks and we constantly fought on the phone because we were both struggling with the fact that we couldn't be together. When I moved here I bought her an engagement ring, since what we wanted for a long time was to get married. She is my one and only, but in the last two months things have really taken a dive.

 

She refuses, or cannot tell me how she feels. This lack of communication has always hampered our ability to be on the same page with one another. I blame her emotional issues, but not her. She is who she is and I have learned to accept and love her for her. But it's like the glass half full half empty type of thing. I tell her exactly how I am feeling, and she knows how she feels, so she gets the full glass. But I have no idea how she feels. Not at all. I have to base all of my thoughts and actions based on the very little information I get. I filled my glass halfway with my feelings, but I can't fill the rest without hers. I don't have the best of it and it leads to a lot of assuming. Assuming sucks and I have talked and talked to her about how I need to know how she feels, but it seems to push her further away.

 

She tells me things shouldn't be this difficult, but they aren't. Loving someone isn't as difficult as she makes it out to be. I love her unconditionally, but she seems to be looking at the greener pastures outside of us and has told me about guys constantly hitting on her, etc. We decided to take a break, actually she did. I couldn't say what I believed was right. I can't make a sound judgement without the full facts and I don't know how she feels.

 

She went on a date. And let me tell you how much that kills me. When I went to visit her we had an awesome time. I stayed with her every night, and I got to see exactly who I fell in love with again. However, on the eve of me leaving, she knew I wanted to talk about things and where they would be going from here... Instead when I called her she said she couldn't and that she was going to bed. Instinctively, I thought she was having a hard time with the fact that I was leaving again, so I went over to 'our' apartment we had when I was there to see her and she was pissed that I came over. Said that some guy was coming over. WTF! I just spent the last week with this girl and she invites some nobody from work over? I was in a rage. I waited until he left, came over and demanded answers. She fought with me, I was literally insane so its no surprise she didn't want to talk, and went and spent the night at her friends' house.

 

Since, she has ignored me. I tried to see her, but she refused. I just don't know how everything could've fallen apart so fast. After investing and committing myself to this relationship. And for a while since I have moved we both wanted the same things, I wanted to propose once I got a job and found a place for us, but she shut off. Flipped a switch and now I am the enemy. Why? What happened, what changed? Why can't she just come forward and talk to me? I have been very open about hearing anything she has to say but still cannot come forward. I pushed and pushed and it made things worse. How was I not supposed to push when everything I wanted, and everything I thought we wanted was dissolving?

 

I told her about the ring I got her, and I sent it back. I haven't heard anything since. I don't know what I am supposed to do other than assume it's over with. My mind is racing a million different directions, mainly because I have so many questions and no answers. I would've done anything to make this work. I tried. I tried moving back two months and she bawled over the phone telling me not to. What in the hell is going on and why can't she just tell me how she feels?

 

I don't know how someone can just throw away 2 years of being with someone to the wind without a word. How awful, how disrespectful. This is a girl that I wanted to marry, and wanted to marry me. We talked about kids and had a wonderful future of hopes and dreams and now it just seems hopeless. How am I supposed to just let go? No answers, not nothing? Did she cheat on me again? Did she just lose faith? How am I supposed to just sit here and say 'Okay, that's fine'? This is the only girl I have ever wanted, and I knew long before that I wanted to marry her. How can I not hope on to hope? How can I not hold on to a girl that really isn't as bad as she seems on here, she is an amazing person, but... I don't know what I am supposed to do? It's consuming me, every single thought or want and need. I knew want I wanted, I knew what I had. Am I the stupid one here, am I just being this hopeless romantic wishing for something that will never be?

 

I know I need to have some respect for myself and just say 'hey piss off', but how am I supposed to do that without a word from her. All I have are her actions.

 

Any thoughts would be helpful. Thanks for reading.

[Memphis Raines]

I have been in a difficult relationship for 2 years now. Recently I moved to the Chicago area in hopes of better employment opportunities as far as starting my career with the promise of my GF coming with me.

 

I think this is a no-brainer, but I just need some reassurances that this is the right path to take...

 

A little background, she cheated on me last year.

 

nuff said, you can snip the rest.

 

dump her and find someone that respects you and isn't a cheater.

 

or you will regret it.

[Bryanp]

You would have to be masochistic to stay with her. She clearly has no respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? I would get checked for STD's.

[reservoirdog1]

Steve, I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

But, here's the truth you have to accept: you will NEVER get an explanation from her that satisfies you, that lessens the pain, that lets you "understand" her actions. Even if she were to sit you down and give you all the explanation and answers you feel you need, it still wouldn't be enough. It still wouldn't satisfy you, regardless of how much you believe right now that it would.

 

Saying "forget about her, move on" is, of course, far easier said than done. But that's what it comes down to. You're going to be banged up emotionally for awhile. But the absolute best thing you can do is cut her out of your life. Delete her phone number, get rid of pictures of her, defriend her on Facebook, delete old emails from her. If she calls you, or emails you, don't respond. Time and distance are your friends here. This will heal, but it will take time.

[Mme. Chaucer]

Steve, I'm sorry this happened to you.

 

 

 

 

Saying "forget about her, move on" is, of course, far easier said than done. But that's what it comes down to. You're going to be banged up emotionally for awhile. But the absolute best thing you can do is cut her out of your life. Delete her phone number, get rid of pictures of her, defriend her on Facebook, delete old emails from her. If she calls you, or emails you, don't respond. Time and distance are your friends here. This will heal, but it will take time.

 

I second this. There is really no percentage in trashing her ... but, really, a person who behaves this way is not a good prospect for a successful partnership in life. You need to let go, and start getting over it.

 

I'm really sorry. What a messed up situation.

[thatone]

as soon as she said "take a break" you should've been gone. that was nothing but justification for herself about screwing some other guy she's been talking to.

 

take it as a lesson learned and move on.

 

her mother is a manipulative slutty woman, you thought she was going to be magically different? you can't make people be who they're not. you got a dud. unfortunately there's no lemon law for whores, you just gotta write it off.

Edited June 8, 2011 by thatone

[Steveinshambles]

Thank you. And you are right, nothing she says is going to satisfy me. Getting back together now, even though I still have all these feelings, wouldn't be the best choice either. Much appreciated.

[2sunny]

don't go back with her...

 

you know she is:

 

emotionally unavailable

a cheater and doesn't do what it takes to restore your trust in her

hold you as her top priority

 

no need to waste time and energy on her when she isn't showing signs of being a healthy gal.

 

get busy doing things you love to do. do not contact her. move forward only... don't look back.

[Memphis Raines]

as soon as she said "take a break" you should've been gone.

 

taking a "break" is code for, "I want to go off and f*** other people".

 

she wants a break? should have told her to not come back from it.

 

 

Just like in Roadhouse

 

Dalton: Yo Steve, you're history.

 

Steve: But I'm on my break

 

Dalton: Stay on it.

[Chi townD]

"Chicago gives you a chance. The sporting chance is the spirit of Chicago." Lincoln Steffens.

 

Take a wild guess as to where I'm from. The one thing about Chicago is that you have to get your foot in the door. That's the hard part. But, once you get in then you're good. Then you start networking and you move up; not out. And another thing, sometimes you have to take A job before you get THE job. Your full time job right now is finding that job. Look online, go to job fairs! They have them all over the place! Make sure you have a shining resume! And do it on resume paper, better quality and it makes it look like you put thought and effort into it. You went the extra step. You WILL find that job. When I came back here, it took me three months to find that job. 60 resumes went out. Two interviews and landed the one. Don't give up.

 

And it's very important to get that job. Because, the best revenge you can have is to live a good life. To land that dream job, make good money best bet is to find a place out in the burbs (much cheaper to live out there, except for the northern burbs) and commute into the loop if that's where you are going to work. Get a nice car and maybe a townhouse....believe me, you won't know it, but she'll be keeping tabs on you. And once she hears how well you're doing, she'll be kicking herself.

 

Oh, and I don't know what it is with Chicago women, but if you have friends here and they have girlfriends; they LOVE to hook you up with their single friends. I don't know, something in the water that compels them to do it. And do stuff here! There is ALWAYS something to do in Chicago. Taste of Chicago is coming up. The jazz festival in Grant Park, The Blues festival. Go watch the Cubbies lose. Go to a Bears game, or a Blackhawks game. Visit the museums, go to concerts. ENJOY CHICAGO!!! She won't know what she's missing.

[michelangelo]

You've described yourself interested in this girl and described a girl who has been interested in you as a part of her rotation of lovers.

 

You and she want different things.

 

She wants a lot of men. You want only her.

 

She likes it that way, probably has a thing for men who worship only her.

 

I'm glad you sent back the ring!

 

Move on. Get tested for STDs though.

[Jetsker]

That sucks Steve... Been there before when all you want is for it to work and it just seems that at every turn the GF is finding something better out there...

 

Easier said then done, but break it off. Do it when you're not happy with, I felt it made it easier. I loved mine so much and let her walk ALL over me for a while until I finally put my foot down. It hurt more than imaginable but was better for me in the end.

[StandingO]

You said she was having troubles telling you how she felt.

Does she still tell you she loves you? If she can not then don't get back with her.

[Steveinshambles]

It's been tough the last two weeks or since I posted this. I am going back and forth with my emotions, it's the not knowing that kills me... I hold on to all this hope and try and convince myself of things that just aren't worth my time in thought. I keep thinking that maybe, just maybe we could have a future still, but we all know how futile that is. I need to left this run it's course, but when you have idle time on your hands like I do, it's just the devils playground up there.

 

I guess when even your subconscious knows it's over (my dreams even have her playing my ex), then it really must be. Sticking with my gut is what's best. I can't trust what my heart says, and my mind is just mixing things I can only make sense of. Appreciate all of your replies. Thanks.

 

Songs you need to download

 

Two Door Cinema Club - something good can work (remix), what you know