Marriage over?

[jefflaub]

I think my marriage is over, wife left the house almost a year ago for job and grad school about 3 hours away. She has priorities all wrong currently she knows she has priorities all wrong but will no longer admit it any longer

 

1) Career

2)Kids

3)Friends

4)Husband

 

I think I am point of giving up, marriage counselor says we both need to put in effort. But I see little effort on her side. We spend no alone time anymore, since she says she needs to sleep with the kids cause she misses them so much. Here effort for marriage is a hug every once in a while. Which i admit she normally initiates. We both still do small talk

 

But it is just not enough for me. She says its best she can do for now, and if a truely loved her I quit my job and find another and relocate with her. I really not feeling this way anymore, since i know longer feel this is are only issue.

 

We disagree on money issues, kids, priorities and even how to communicate. She will scream and cry and latter say she does not remember that it happened

 

Seems not much holding me back from filing from divorce outside of I don't have any intentions of looking elsewhere at the moment for companionship, don't want to be just an another number.

[OldOnTheInside]

She will scream and cry and latter say she does not remember that it happened

 

Would you agree that you two have communication issues?

 

Because that's not the way to have a rational discussion...

[jefflaub]

Yes I would say we have major communications issues.

 

We disagree on how to communicate, and how to argue

She will sometime scream,yell and curse, were sometimes she tries to force the issue by saying I will take the kids from you and problem solved. The children currently reside with me. I explain my side saying that would this not help the kids or myself.

 

To me she is acting like a child. However she keep maintaining she always thinks of others first, however her actions do not dictate that. She tells me she working on the marriage and reminds me about some surpise gift she bought me six months ago.

 

She tells me she needs to work at all cost, regardless of my income level.

 

 

We disagree on on major issues

a) Money

b) Job over Family

c) raising kids

d) vacations

 

Time and time again asked her to seek a therapist, however she refuses and after it was recommend by our marriage counselor. Current we no longer see the marriage counselor since she refuses.

 

Seems to me no hope

1) live apart

2) poor or bad communication

3) priorities wrong

 

She keeps trying to convince me that the more successful she is in her career the greater benefit for myself and the kids. She is originally born in China perhaps that is a factor to her way of thinking, and self esteem issues.

Edited June 8, 2011 by jefflaub

[OldOnTheInside]

Communication is obviously fundamental to a healthy relationship.

 

If she doesn't change herself, then you shouldn't expect the marriage to change either. If you decide to stay, assume that you will be living like this for the rest of your life.

 

To put it bluntly...your marriage is ****ed. Sorry.

[2sunny]

She will scream and cry and latter say she does not remember that it happened

 

is she on medicine/drugs/alcohol that would impair her ability to remember such basic things?

 

if that is the case - how would she expect to do in school? in your relationship?

 

if she's not present enough to remember having conversations - you could divorce her on grounds of insanity... do you think she actually doesn't remember?

[Mz. Pixie]

Poster- google borderline personality disorder and see if any of the symptoms sound like your wife. One of the signs is having arguments and screaming matches and then later acting like nothing happened or relating that the story happened another way.

[2sunny]

Poster- google borderline personality disorder and see if any of the symptoms sound like your wife. One of the signs is having arguments and screaming matches and then later acting like nothing happened or relating that the story happened another way.

 

different than NOT remembering.

 

does she actually remember or just rewrite the situation to suit herself?

[robf1971]

truely loved her I quit my job and find another and relocate with her.

 

Actually I kind of agree. I've moved accross oceans to be with my wife and she's done the same for me. Maybe your wife has a point.

[jefflaub]

Not sure moving would solve anything, since we can not agree on the major issues. I would say she has a personality disorder. And she blocks out bad events, like crying, screaming. When this happens we are unable to discuss them later when she is calm. She says she does not remember but it seems like she what happens is she just blocks it from memory and won't talk about it. The few times she does recall these meltdowns, it gets thrown back at me saying I am the cause.

 

Amazingly she is very smart and aggressive when it comes to work. Promotated after 1 year of work, and soon to be a CPA. Unfortunutly this does not translate to a better family life for myself or the kids.

 

Seems like insanity but would be hard to prove in court.

 

I am thinking give it one last try for her go seek help with a professional psychiatrist otherwise I am done. I don't think she will listen, but its better both of us staying in a unhappy marriage. More then likely she will fight me have a another meltdown and tell me to see the psychiatrist.

[Downtown]

Jeff, I agree with MzPixie that your W may have strong BPD traits and you can easily spot the red flags if you will take a little time to read about them. Being verbally abusive is one of the hallmarks of BPD traits. Because a BPDer (person with strong traits) carries enormous anger from childhood, that anger is easily triggered anytime you try to discuss an important issue with her. Even when you approach a BPDer while she is in a calm mood, any attempt to bring up an important matter will trigger her anger in seconds. This is why it usually is impossible to have a calm, rational discussion with a BPDer. Generally, a BPDer is only interested in creating drama, not finding solutions or compromises.

 

Moreover, it is common for a BPDer to forget conversations she participated in only days earlier. This occurs because of a BPDer's tendency to escape unpleasant discussions by dissociating (i.e., by daydreaming). This is why one of the first things a BPDer would be taught to do in therapy would be to learn how to "stay present" or "mindful" in the room instead of escaping into daydreams. If you would like to read more about what it is like to live with a BPDer, I suggest you see my discussion in Cyanogen's thread. My two posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3417491#post3417491. If that discussion rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. I am not a psychologist. My experience is based on my 15 years with a BPDer exW plus what I've read since then. Take care, Jeff.

[Millard]

Um..she has a job AND goes to school AND takes care of kids.. maybe it's stress related? It's not uncommon for a family woman to sudden decide to have her career as a top priority, and also be able to take care of her family, but there are some women who just can't do it as easily. I for one, am in her shoes that having a long standing career means everything. But, unlike her I do not yet have kids..

Edited June 12, 2011 by Millard

[Downtown]

Amazingly she is very smart and aggressive when it comes to work.

Being smart does not rule out her having strong BPD traits. Most of the high functioning BPDers I've met are more intelligent than average. They likely had to be to survive childhood.

Seems like insanity but would be hard to prove in court.

Nothing you've said indicates she is insane at all. Insanity occurs when a person loses contact with physical reality, e.g., believing that planes flying overhead are spying on her or that the TV anchorman is speaking to her personally. Although BPD is a "thought disorder" that causes distorted perceptions, those distortions have nothing to do with physical reality. Instead, the distortions affect only the way a person perceives other peoples' intentions and motivations.

 

Moreover, if your W does have strong BPD traits, she would be called a "high functioning" person with such strong traits. This means that her perceptions of the intentions of strangers, casual friends, and business colleagues likely is not distorted at all. With high functioning BPDers, it is rare for casual acquaintances to trigger her anger. They pose no threat to her great fear of abandonment because, unlike a loved one, they have established no LTR that can be abandoned. And they pose no threat to her great fear of engulfment because there is no intimacy that would make her feel engulfed and suffocated.

I am thinking give it one last try for her go seek help with a professional psychiatrist otherwise I am done.

I suggest you see a clinical psychiatrist on your own -- without her present -- for a session or two. If she is present, it is unlikely a psychologist will tell her (much less you) that she "has BPD" even if that is the correct diagnosis. One reason is that the psychologist knows a high functioning BPDer almost certainly will quit therapy on hearing that dreaded diagnosis. Another reason is that insurance almost certainly will not cover the treatments if it is called "BPD" but will if he lists it instead as one of the associated effects (depression, PTSD, or anxiety). A third reason is that BPDers tend to be excellent actors and thus are good at hiding their illness throughout a 50 minute session that occurs only once a week.

 

Without her being there, the psych is far more likely to speak candidly to you but he will not be able to render an official diagnosis. For that to occur, she would have to see a psych on her own but, as I explained, there is little chance you will ever obtain such a diagnosis. So you can forget using such a diagnosis in court against her. My experience is that the only BPDers getting such a diagnosis are those who, for a variety of reasons, become very low functioning. They are so miserable and in such pain that obtaining a diagnosis does not drive them away and insurance usually is not a consideration (because low functioning BPDers usually don't have jobs, much less insurance).

More then likely she will fight me have a another meltdown and tell me to see the psychiatrist.

If your W has strong BPD traits, she relies heavily on the primitive emotional defenses of a young child. One of these is projection, which works so well to protect the ego because it works at the subconscious level -- allowing her conscious mind to believe the false projection. Hence, if you tell a high functioning BPDer she has strong BPD traits, she almost certainly will project that assessment back onto you. She will believe that

you are the one with such strong traits.