i am so confused and hurting

[susie]

this is susie, i posed here lastnight under i wanted him gone. this whole thing just came out of no where, out of anger and some built up anger and resentment at feeling like i never get listened to cause of always competing with sports, t.v. a book a paper, what ever it is that is available. i slept good tho last night dispite crying myself to sleep. today my heart aches for what was, just to go back to yesterday and take back the things that i said. i compared all the good things his kindness, his wanting to be with me, wanting me to be with him, all the things we do and have done together, the trips we've make, the plans for the future, the way he talked like we'd always be together, he kept me from sitting at home all the time, my daughter of 19 yrs like's him alot, my family likes him, his family likes me, so why would i want to leave him? cause of the other things i was tired of; getting no support from him, his impatience, his complaining about things then acting like i always complained, we both did/do. the competing all the time with his obsession and i stress obsession with sports, wheather it be on the radio, t.v. or in the paper, not listening to me. i just don't know what to do, sorry if i am repeating myself, it's just cause i hurt so much in side and am still reeling, my whole life changed in one moment and now i don't know what to do. i hurt so much inside it is killing me,i miss him so much. i sent him two emails but he hasn't gotten them yet, i asked him why he wants to stay together when i keep him from doing so many things he wants to do? like i don't like a lot of things he wants to do, so we don't do them anymore, i don't always want to put up with his drinking, he don't drink that much, but whenever we go somewhere i always monitor how much he drinks and it ruins my time as well. how do i stop the reeling? how do i decide if i made the right decision? how do you stop a heart from breaking? i hurt. i love this man, i really do, it's just somethings about him i can't stand, does one leave someone for certain reasons without first trying everything to make it work? is that giving up?

[Deejette]

It might help you to understand that you will not have everything in common with someone you love. The very fact that you are female and he is male makes a huge difference in the way you deal with life, emotions, love, etc., anyway. If you really love him and feel that life without him is too painful, then find a way of accepting the differences between you and appreciate the things you do have in common.

 

Also, don't depend on him for your happiness. When he is watching or reading about sports, you will have something else to do that interests you. You might sit next to him and read a magazine or something. Later, you might plan some activity that both of you would like. I hate sports, Science Fiction, game shows, and other entertainments that men in my life live for. I just let them have their fun and do other things.

this is susie, i posed here lastnight under i wanted him gone. this whole thing just came out of no where, out of anger and some built up anger and resentment at feeling like i never get listened to cause of always competing with sports, t.v. a book a paper, what ever it is that is available. i slept good tho last night dispite crying myself to sleep. today my heart aches for what was, just to go back to yesterday and take back the things that i said. i compared all the good things his kindness, his wanting to be with me, wanting me to be with him, all the things we do and have done together, the trips we've make, the plans for the future, the way he talked like we'd always be together, he kept me from sitting at home all the time, my daughter of 19 yrs like's him alot, my family likes him, his family likes me, so why would i want to leave him? cause of the other things i was tired of; getting no support from him, his impatience, his complaining about things then acting like i always complained, we both did/do. the competing all the time with his obsession and i stress obsession with sports, wheather it be on the radio, t.v. or in the paper, not listening to me. i just don't know what to do, sorry if i am repeating myself, it's just cause i hurt so much in side and am still reeling, my whole life changed in one moment and now i don't know what to do. i hurt so much inside it is killing me,i miss him so much. i sent him two emails but he hasn't gotten them yet, i asked him why he wants to stay together when i keep him from doing so many things he wants to do? like i don't like a lot of things he wants to do, so we don't do them anymore, i don't always want to put up with his drinking, he don't drink that much, but whenever we go somewhere i always monitor how much he drinks and it ruins my time as well. how do i stop the reeling? how do i decide if i made the right decision? how do you stop a heart from breaking? i hurt. i love this man, i really do, it's just somethings about him i can't stand, does one leave someone for certain reasons without first trying everything to make it work? is that giving up?

[Dragonflys]

Hi Susie

 

He is ignoring you all the time, your are competing for him with nonsense on the TV. That shows how little he really cares for you.

 

I don't care what his stature is, how polite he is around other people, parents etc, how cute he is. This guy is no good.

 

If you stay with him you will constantly crave for every little scap of companionship, but you will constantly feel empty.

 

I have been there.....

 

My ex would also treat me in a similar way, and she was female. Some people are just hooked on information, games, anything to fill in their time, but don't even know what the beautiful feeling of true intimacy, attention, and companionship are. The moment you stop entertaining them, their attention drifts off to the next fix somewhere else.

 

My ex would come over, turn on the TV, and get lost in bulls*** like survivor or big brother. I knew I was mustard when she took more interest in baseball highlights than my affection.

 

Often I would go home after 'entertaining her' feeling so empty in the stomach area I felt I could throw up. Ever feel like that?

 

You have one of two options:

 

(1) tell him exactly how you feel and what he is doing to you. If he does not change immediately (I doubt he will), then get away.

 

(2) get away from him and find someone that will make you feel warm and comfortable.

 

You will hurt like hell for a while (I did) but then recover stronger, but if you stay with him you may end up with a stomach ulcer.

 

Sincerely,

 

Oliver

[Taressa]

Susie,

 

Forgive me if I'm wrong but your inital post gave me the impression that prior to this fight you had not worked too hard in teaching your boyfriend the way you wanted to be treated. It sounds like you've been patiently quiet until something set you off and all heck broke loose... no wonder you're reeling.

 

If you want the relationship to work you'll need to first of all wait for the boyfriend to recover from the hurtful (although truthful) things you said. If he initiates the conversation be ready at that point to CALMLY, MATURELY state what you want in the relationship and what behaviors you're not willing to tolerate. Instead of attacking the next time he doesn't meet your standards, calmly place some emotional or even physical distance between you so he will see and reap the benefits of his behaviors.

 

Until now you've accepted his behaviors and reaped the loneliness and damage his lack of attention has caused. Set some rules so HE reaps the hurt he causes. If he responds you'll know the relationship is worth saving; if he does not respond, take it as a measure of the worth he places in you.

 

Whatever happens, please guard your tongue so you don't carry such regret as you do now.

 

Don't let the loneliness in your life make you feel so desperate you settle for his current kind of love. Seek out your friends and rebuild your life to include them. With their truthful support and help you will rediscover the ability to love smartly and strongly.

 

Best wishes, susie. I know you hurt now. It will continue hurting until you use the time apart to grow and develop a more self-assured you.