Separating from Parents

[love4me2c]

I have decided to "separate" from my parents. I can't take it anymore. They are no good for me. They are terrible people. Their values are skewed, they refuse to acknowledge their role in how messed up my sister, brother, and I are. My brother has already limited contact with them, but he's lucky because he lives several hours away.

 

I have often accepted them for what they are in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. When people refuse to acknowledge their wrongs, have messed up values, and are controlling, they do not deserve to have my love anymore. I know they are my parents and I know they love me, but I would not even be friends with people like this.

 

I have 2 young children and they are a terrible influence. I do not want my children influenced by them anymore. Maybe I'm a terrible child. I don't know. I just know this is no longer a healthy relationship for me and it must end. Has anyone else gone through this?

[denise_xo]

I haven't gone through exactly what you describe, but I purposefully distanced myself from my parents as soon as that was possible, and my mother and I go through regular periods of NC. Sometimes it's just necessary to take such measures. Good luck to you.

[whichwayisup]

I have decided to "separate" from my parents. I can't take it anymore. They are no good for me. They are terrible people. Their values are skewed, they refuse to acknowledge their role in how messed up my sister, brother, and I are. My brother has already limited contact with them, but he's lucky because he lives several hours away.

 

I have often accepted them for what they are in the past, but I just can't do it anymore. When people refuse to acknowledge their wrongs, have messed up values, and are controlling, they do not deserve to have my love anymore. I know they are my parents and I know they love me, but I would not even be friends with people like this.

 

I have 2 young children and they are a terrible influence. I do not want my children influenced by them anymore. Maybe I'm a terrible child. I don't know. I just know this is no longer a healthy relationship for me and it must end. Has anyone else gone through this?

 

You are NOT a terrible child! You are doing what is best for you and your kids.

 

Sadly, your parents are f.ucked up and treated you and your siblings poorly, and the result is, kids don't want to be around their parents later in life, especially if that treatment continues into adulthood.

 

You are doing the right thing by protecting your kids, you don't want them exposed to what you grew up with!

 

It hurts, and i'm sure it isn't/hasn't been easy to do, but the reward is, you are happier and healthier, as your kids will be too.

[WhisperinnWinds]

We are so conditioned in this society to automatically love and praise our relatives. My paternal grandma was a very abusive woman - she once hit one of my uncles and injured him so badly that he's never been able to hear out of one of his ears since. My dad reports that she would regularly threaten to slit her throat and would stick her head in a stove to demonstrate that she was going to kill herself. He remembers running to closets and barricading them shut so that she couldn't beat him over any minor transgression.

 

I don't love my grandma. She is a very sick woman who did some incredibly damaging things - and while I do empathize with her mental illness, she put off getting help for so long that her children were practically grown by the time she became a healthier person. They all live with those scars. However, when discussing this with some people, I have been met with a lot of resistance. They have been trained to think you must always love and worship the people who brought you into the world, regardless of what they do. Even after they hear about how abusive she was!

 

I grew up in a verbally abusive home with a narcissistic mother. I have struggled with decisions on whether to go low contact or no contact. Both have their perks, in my experiences. No matter what you do in that regard, you will probably catch flak from people - you have to be ready for that. Not everyone understands (although people tend to be much more understanding about physical abuse).

 

Have you looked into the possibility of narcissistic personality disorder in either of your parents? Although it's more common in men, it tends to be more devastating when women have it - often because they're the primary caretakers of children. Even the parent who isn't a narcissist can act like one - they enable the narcissist's behavior and work to protect the narcissist. Sometimes, they join in on the abuse to win over the narcissist's favor. Although it could be anything going on in your family, someone having NPD doesn't seem all that uncommon.

 

For me anyway, it helped to set me free and to eradicate myself of the guilt I felt in handling my relationship with my parents. You are doing the right thing by protecting your children. Abusers often stay abusers, even when it comes to their grandkids. My mother baby-sits some of our relatives' kids. She is VERY good to the little ones, but once they start growing up, she treats them like she would anyone else. She threatened to hit one of my cousins - a 4-year-old child - because he was upset about a toy he got at a restaurant. Not because he was being bad, but because he was 'hurting' her feelings.

 

You protect yourself and you protect your kids, and you do that anyway you can. At the end of the day, it won't matter that you upset your parents. What matters is that another generation doesn't get wounded by truly vicious people. There is no "one size fits all" solution in life. The same is true of how adult children should handle relationships with their parents.

 

In my case, I speak to my mother about twice a week - each conversation lasts about 5 minutes. I let her go on about how horrible everything is and all of the drama, then I say 'good-bye' and hang up. It's enough to get me off the hook. I maybe go over there for a few hours a week, but only when other relatives are there.

[QuestionReality]

I have done the NC on and off with several family members. Each time I try to re establish a relationship with any of them, they go back to taking advantage of my kindness or trying to manipulate me. When I got married I finally decided enough was enough, they weren't going to change, and I needed to stop feeling like I could fix everything and move on. It'd hard, but any time I've done NC with family or friends, ultimately my gut tells me to move on. I'd rather have a real relationship with someone, than one built on guilt, obligation or manipulation.

Good luck to you

[Emilia]

I have low contact with my mother, as little as I can get away with. The other day it dawned on me that if I had chosen to have children, I would have had to keep in touch with her more. I would not have had the heart to deprive her of her grandkids' company. Though she would have lost interest eventually as she doesn't have that much interest in her children. Maybe your mum won't care that much OP

[twopurringcats]

Sometimes it is seriously for the best, and I totally relate with what you've been through. I have two Narcissistic, elderly parents who think they are king and queen of the world. What they say, goes..and nobody (me, the only resident of their imaginary kingdom) better not challenge them by having a different opinion. They belittled, called names, forced, shamed, humiliated, guilt-tripped and more when I asserted my own rights. It has been a lifelong nightmare in which I have spent many years in therapy/recovery from the serious abuse I endured, especially as a child (got taken away from them when very young due to mom's aggressive/violent ways). They hide their insanity in public, of course, but eventually got caught and got in trouble for being so cruel.

 

Anyways, now as a middle-aged adult, I have done all there is to do to try and make it work between us. I moved far away, thinking the distance would help. I learned to have boundaries and other healthy coping skills, etc. Still, they would do anything to control me, from anywhere, anytime.

 

Two years ago I moved back to my hometown, missing my friends. My parents moved to be closer to me, which was not good. At times we got along, but the insults, put-downs, boundary violations and insinuations that I'm stupid and incompetent continued. I finally let go of them recently, telling them that I can't take it anymore, that they are mean and I am done..for good. They were too self-righteous to care and that was the end of it. Now I am working to detox myself, to start over and not feel lonely. They are people that I love but cannot have contact with for my sanity's sake. Love isn't enough. There has to be respect, consistency and kindness. I feel at peace now, just sad. It had to come to this. Sometimes it is for the best. I don't want my mental health to be destroyed by terminally angry, self-centered and controlling people with no consciences or caring about my feelings. It's time, how I wish it were easy but it isn't..and enough is enough.

Edited July 27, 2011 by twopurringcats