Restarting NC yet again

[superchiefs]

Details are I was with my ex for over 5 years. We were engaged and she broke off the engagement over 6 weeks ago. She keeps telling me how lonely she is and how she hates all of this. I just broke NC again by sending her the following email. Please let me know your thoughts:

 

I dont enjoy any of this either. But I didnt choose for this to happen. What confuses me is you tell me that you dont want to marry me, you tell me you dont want to date me, but yet you feel like you can tell me that you sit at home crying and are feeling lonely. You choose to be alone and only you can choose to not be alone. While I think you are a wonderful person, and I would like to be with you, I know that if I am not with you, I will move on and I will connect with someone that will appreciate all the good things I have to offer. This break, breakup or whatever you want to call it has been really good for me. I have discovered things about myself that needed improvement, such as being a better listener and trying to do things in moderation. And whoever I am in a relationship with in the future will benefit from this.

 

I know our relationship wasnt perfect, but I also know that we had a heck of a lot of good times together. I also know that I am going to have a lot of good times in my future, who those good times will be spent with is yet to be detemined.

[vsmini]

Well it's kind of an open-ended email which means she will most likely reply and then you'll feel the need to reply and so on. You should have said something like "please do not contact me again because I will not respond in any way"

 

Just ignore whatever she sends back.

[wilsonx]

STOP BREAKING NC... I did it too today and sent her an email thanking her for finally telling me the truth and letting me have peace. I then made fun of her new 14+ year older guy that looks WAY Worse then her last rebound... It was kind of mean and resentful but I had to do it and im not going to talk to her again

[superchiefs]

Well it's kind of an open-ended email which means she will most likely reply and then you'll feel the need to reply and so on. You should have said something like "please do not contact me again because I will not respond in any way"

 

Just ignore whatever she sends back.

 

 

Thanks for the advice.

[superchiefs]

STOP BREAKING NC... I did it too today and sent her an email thanking her for finally telling me the truth and letting me have peace. I then made fun of her new 14+ year older guy that looks WAY Worse then her last rebound... It was kind of mean and resentful but I had to do it and im not going to talk to her again

 

 

I know, we all need to stop breaking the NC but it is easier said than done.

[vsmini]

STOP BREAKING NC... I did it too today and sent her an email thanking her for finally telling me the truth and letting me have peace. I then made fun of her new 14+ year older guy that looks WAY Worse then her last rebound... It was kind of mean and resentful but I had to do it and im not going to talk to her again

 

Something tells me she won't mind so much after your last comment to her. Don't break NC again.

[superchiefs]

Ok, here is the response I got. Do I just do NC from now on?:

 

I'm sorry. I shouldn't have sent that email to begin with and I kind of regretted it when I hit "send" because it makes me look like a psycho. The line about crying wasn't meant to make you feel bad or anything, I don't really know how it fit in, I'm sorry I told you honestly. My therapist told me Monday I needed to just stop contact for awhile, but I was having a really bad day yesterday for various reasons and just rambled instead which I need to stop doing. I never know if I'm supposed to respond to the emails you send or ignore them, and then when I do end up responding, everything comes out sounding awful.

[vsmini]

Of course you go NC now. What has everyone been telling you?

 

"well it's not that easy." Yea we know...but everyone who is telling you stay NC has had experience. We're not wrong. Christ - even her therapist advises no contact but she can't keep it up either.

 

Ask for advice....it's given...then ignored. It's frustrating!

[superchiefs]

Of course you go NC now. What has everyone been telling you?

 

"well it's not that easy." Yea we know...but everyone who is telling you stay NC has had experience. We're not wrong. Christ - even her therapist advises no contact but she can't keep it up either.

 

Ask for advice....it's given...then ignored. It's frustrating!

 

 

Thanks, I am going to do everything I can to stick with it from now on.

[vsmini]

Thanks, I am going to do everything I can to stick with it from now on.

 

Seriously - do it. If you find yourself writing an email back or wanting to text call a friend or come on LS instead. Do everything in your power. You need to find a breakup buddy during this time . you can do it.

[superchiefs]

Oops, I left of 4 sentences from her response, they were:

 

I'm glad you're starting to figure things out and bettering yourself. That's really, really great. And I agree, we did have a lot of good times.

 

Again, I'm sorry for the crazy email. I won't be saying anything like that again.

 

 

 

Also, if I see my ex out in public, but I dont talk to her, does that count as breaking NC?

Edited June 9, 2011 by superchiefs

[superchiefs]

Just bumping my thread to see if I can get some more supportive responses.

[Chi townD]

If you happen to be out and about and you happen to see her, then no harm, no foul. However, if you go out with the intention of running into her then, yeah, in my opinion, you broke NC with yourself. However, if you do see her, don't talk to her and remove yourself from the situation as soon as possible.

[geegirl]

Also, if I see my ex out in public, but I dont talk to her, does that count as breaking NC?

 

If you happen to bump into her in public, that's beyond your control. Best to remove yourself so you don't have to interact.

 

What you can control is your urge to seek her out i.e. send email, text, check FB, respond to contact, etc., that would be breaking NC.

[superchiefs]

Ok, I just passed the 24 hour mark of NC, that being the last time I sent her an email. I saw her out in public last night, but we both ignored each other so I dont think that counts, especially since I wasnt seeking her out.

[Karala]

God, it makes me so mad to see how many of people's exes use them as emotional support to get over their own breakup THAT THEY INITIATED.

They made their decision. Losing you is losing you.

 

In a weird way, I wish I were in your place because then I would be able to tell myself that my ex is really nothing more than a selfish insensitive person and I'm definitely better off without them.

 

Unfortunately/fortunately (really can't decide which), I know my ex would never do such a careless selfish thing (I guess it helps his case also that he's so shut off from his feelings and so unable to put his heart on the line, lol).

 

Anyway. Don't let your ex use you as emotional support to get over their own breakup! Yeah, I've said it before and I'll probably say it again.

[superchiefs]

I am now going on 67 hours of no contact and I must say I am feeling much better again. I really wish that 1 week of NC would hurry up and come because it was then that I was really feeling good last time.

[RuinedLife]

God, it makes me so mad to see how many of people's exes use them as emotional support to get over their own breakup THAT THEY INITIATED.

They made their decision. Losing you is losing you.

 

In a weird way, I wish I were in your place because then I would be able to tell myself that my ex is really nothing more than a selfish insensitive person and I'm definitely better off without them.

 

Unfortunately/fortunately (really can't decide which), I know my ex would never do such a careless selfish thing (I guess it helps his case also that he's so shut off from his feelings and so unable to put his heart on the line, lol).

 

Anyway. Don't let your ex use you as emotional support to get over their own breakup! Yeah, I've said it before and I'll probably say it again.

 

I'm in an incredibly weird situation, as I in a way initiated my break up. It wasn't my intention, but that fact remains and I know I am in a far far far worse situation than my ex. He moved on swiftly and easily, while I'm stuck in heartbreak and self hatred, forever regretting my actions. It is a completely insane situation. The break up was a complete misunderstanding from the beginning and I tried desperately to apologize for my part in the chaos and make things right, but my ex wanted out and wasn't willing to give things another chance. It was like he initiated a percentage of the break up, maybe 90%, and then I inadvertently in response initiated the final 10%. This is why I hate myself with such a passion. And the break up could have been avoided entirely if I had just shut up and said nothing at the critical time.

[Karala]

I'm in an incredibly weird situation, as I in a way initiated my break up. It wasn't my intention, but that fact remains and I know I am in a far far far worse situation than my ex. He moved on swiftly and easily, while I'm stuck in heartbreak and self hatred, forever regretting my actions. It is a completely insane situation. The break up was a complete misunderstanding from the beginning and I tried desperately to apologize for my part in the chaos and make things right, but my ex wanted out and wasn't willing to give things another chance. It was like he initiated a percentage of the break up, maybe 90%, and then I inadvertently in response initiated the final 10%. This is why I hate myself with such a passion. And the break up could have been avoided entirely if I had just shut up and said nothing at the critical time.

 

Ruined, I so much want to open up your eyes to the fact that the idea that this breakup is "your fault" and "could have easily been avoided" is totally UNTRUE.

 

You want to believe it, because that would mean you have or had control over your ex staying with you. But you didn't, and you don't.

 

Your reasoning is like a mother blaming herself for not locking her children up at home since birth and thinking she's the one responsible if they ever have an accident when they were out and about, and thinking it could "easily have been avoided". While this is technically somewhat "true", can you see how absurd that is? Of course you can, I can see from your posting that you're a smart and self-reflecting person.

 

NO WAY ON EARTH could you have "better kept your insecurities in check" or whatever. No way. If your insecurities were a deal-breaker for your ex, the issue would have come up sooner or later. Better sooner than later.

You can't pretend to be someone else so that someone will keep on loving you and wanting to be with you. You probably shouldn't even want to in the first place, but heck, even if you decide that's what you want to do, you just can't.

 

I also "in a way initiated my breakup", I actually sent him an e-mail 3 weeks through our "break" and told him "ok, let's break up if that's what you want."

Did he call me back on the spot and tell me "are you insane??? This is real love, we need to work on this, at least talk some more"?

No, he just replied a short e-mail saying "I was thinking the same... Best of everything to you, take care".

Did I beat myself up for weeks thereafter, repeating to myself over and over again that the breakup could have been easily avoided if I hadn't sent that e-mail? Yes.

 

The truth is, the moment I was writing this e-mail, I was acting from my power, and I was speaking from my truth.

I was truly fed-up with holding to this relationship with clenched fists and doing everything to make it work, using up so much of my energy and life force trying to keep my insecurities at bay.

But then I decided I could not handle my power and my truth. I wanted to take it all back and go back to that old place.

I tried everything to get him back. Read an insane number of e-books on the subject, devoted all of my life to it. Went through the hell of 2 and a half months NC, worked on myself, forced myself to go out, dated a bunch of lame guys, all because the books told me this is what would work.

Re-initiated contact with my ex, had such high hopes when he was so happy to hear from me and eager to go and have that coffee.

"Turned up the heat" or whatever, for a month, only to finally pour out my heart to him about how I still loved him and still wanted to make it work.

Only to be rejected again.

 

I don't regret a thing because it made me finally able to understand that simple fact : IF HE WANTED TO BE WITH ME, HE WOULD BE WITH ME.

F*** wondering why on earth can he say he loves me but still not want to be with me. Not my problem anymore.

F*** thinking he's the only one I can ever love or be happy with. I just need to get over it, because he does NOT want to be with me, and there's no forcing him.

 

This "final 10%" that you resent yourself so much for, may well be your 10% of power in this relationship.

You so much want to take it back now, but at one point you felt sick of him not wanting to bear with your insecurities. Right?

Maybe not to the point of wanting to break up... But enough to state that this is what you needed.

You stated it clearly, and in response, he made it clear to you that he couldn't give you what you needed.

 

You have two choices now. Either take that back and tell him "I didn't mean it! I don't need reassurances after all! In fact I don't need anything and won't ever ask anything of you, as long as you keep me by your side, because I can't be without you!"

 

or own up to the fact that for a moment, you had the power and self-esteem to talk up about what was NOT working for you in this relationship, and he made it clear to you that he wasn't willing to put in the effort.

 

I think you should NOT hate yourself for showing this little bit of power, but instead love yourself for it and go from there.

 

Keep in mind that if he really wanted to be with you, you sending him angry e-mail would NOT have been able to make it or break it.

Don't kid yourself telling yourself that you broke up with him. He broke up with you.

Acknowledge it, and also acknowledge that part of the reason that you have so much trouble letting go now, might be that deep down, in a way, some part of you did want this breakup. You say you hate yourself, but maybe you just hate that part of you that felt that maybe that relationship wasn't working so great for you after all. You hate that part now because you deem it responsible for the pain you're now feeling about missing him. Maybe someday you will come to love that part of you and understand that it has your best interest in mind.

 

Once again, if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Not much would have stopped him, and certainly not just an angry e-mail from you going on about feeling insecure.

Men know how to go after women they're interested in, we need to stop trying to make it so easy for them. We need to stop making excuses and pining away about what we could have done to make them stay. F*** them. It's not our job to make them want to stay with us.

 

Of course, Ruined, I'm saying all of this to myself, lol.

And maybe I make no sense at all to you. And maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, and maybe I'm just plain wrong.

 

But if ever anything about my situation resonates with you, please use the food for thought, lol.

 

Whatever be, you know that I really wish for you to feel better soon.

[Karala]

Gosh, that was liberating.

[RuinedLife]

Once again, if he wanted to be with you, he would be with you. Not much would have stopped him, and certainly not just an angry e-mail from you going on about feeling insecure.

Men know how to go after women they're interested in, we need to stop trying to make it so easy for them. We need to stop making excuses and pining away about what we could have done to make them stay. F*** them. It's not our job to make them want to stay with us.

 

Of course, Ruined, I'm saying all of this to myself, lol.

And maybe I make no sense at all to you. And maybe I have no idea what I'm talking about, and maybe I'm just plain wrong.

 

But if ever anything about my situation resonates with you, please use the food for thought, lol.

 

Whatever be, you know that I really wish for you to feel better soon.

 

Wow!!! Thats some tough love truth!! Thank you!!!

 

Definitely resonates with me. I guess I just don't want to admit to myself that my ex really doesn't love me enough to try and make things work

 

I don't want to admit to myself that he can give up on me so easily, cut me out of his life and go on as if nothing happened, even be happier without me! I mean, really its obvious he doesn't love me like I love him, not even close! And that is a hard truth to swallow, but the evidence is there for all the see! I just need to wake up and smell the roses I guess... or the dead roses in this case

[Royal Guy]

Ruined, my case is kind of similar somewhere or the other I curse myself to sow the seeds of moving on, but honestly if she actually loved me she wouldn't and the worst part is, she is very very happy right now. Its not that I want her to be sad, but its like I don't matter to her anymore.

 

As Karala says, Exes use us to get rid of the guilty feeling that they have after the breakup, but its totally on us to allow them to do so. But honestly, it feels like my senses have paralyzed and she can take whatever she wants to even now. Its kind of out of our control to let them use us.

[RuinedLife]

Ruined, my case is kind of similar somewhere or the other I curse myself to sow the seeds of moving on, but honestly if she actually loved me she wouldn't and the worst part is, she is very very happy right now. Its not that I want her to be sad, but its like I don't matter to her anymore.

 

As Karala says, Exes use us to get rid of the guilty feeling that they have after the breakup, but its totally on us to allow them to do so. But honestly, it feels like my senses have paralyzed and she can take whatever she wants to even now. Its kind of out of our control to let them use us.

 

Yeah break ups are brutal. But rarely even it seems.

 

When A Heart Breaks, No It Don't Break Even

 

As the song goes..

[sun_moon]

I'm in an incredibly weird situation, as I in a way initiated my break up. It wasn't my intention, but that fact remains and I know I am in a far far far worse situation than my ex. He moved on swiftly and easily, while I'm stuck in heartbreak and self hatred, forever regretting my actions. It is a completely insane situation. The break up was a complete misunderstanding from the beginning and I tried desperately to apologize for my part in the chaos and make things right, but my ex wanted out and wasn't willing to give things another chance. It was like he initiated a percentage of the break up, maybe 90%, and then I inadvertently in response initiated the final 10%. This is why I hate myself with such a passion. And the break up could have been avoided entirely if I had just shut up and said nothing at the critical time.

 

Dose of reality.

 

You dont hate yourself as much as you make it out to be.

 

Your acts alone show that you want help.

 

You are seeking help in every which way possible which means deep down you do care to survive, and you do care to find hope again.

 

You have managed to over take many threads on here in which you weren't the OP, and beat your self up over and over again in them to the point where it looses its original meaning or poster. That is an act of selfishness, which means you LOVE YOURSELF. Wake up and smell the roses or dead roses or WHATEVER YOU WANT TO CALL IT. Your are alive and struggling, your biggest demon is your self hatred.

 

Its like watching someone break into someones house, run through their house, make a mess, go to the kitchen, take a tool from that home and use it as a weapon against themselves. That is what you are doing. Why cant you stop? You should stop.

 

Did it ever occur to you, that one way to feel better and to let time pass, is by distracting yourself by posting on LS for the sake of others. Give some advice, maybe ask some questions as to what happened, etc, and try very hard not to bring the subject back to you.

 

I'm not saying dont vent, but you must find a balance so that you don't begin to wallow.

 

Your are living in self pitty and the role of the victim, and you admit your enemy is yourself. Stop beating up your ego, pick it up, dust it off, and place it somewhere where you can see it at eye level, not any higher than your head

 

Look at your tendencies to reach out, YOU DO LOVE YOURSELF. Now all that is left is finding your strength and confidence again.

 

You are giving him too much power over your precious life.

[sun_moon]

I am now going on 67 hours of no contact and I must say I am feeling much better again. I really wish that 1 week of NC would hurry up and come because it was then that I was really feeling good last time.

 

Keep reminding yourself, the longer I go NC, the longer I can keep it up till its permanent, and the better off I will be.

 

Way to go. It does get easier as the first week passes by. After a few weeks, you begin to recognize yourself again.