Great marriage - but I'm insecure!

[romantic]

I am married to the most wonderful woman in the world. She’s like a breath of fresh air really… smart, funny, beautiful… but most importantly, my best friend and life-long “partner-in-crime”. Our relationship before we got married, which consisted of being engaged in a platonic friendship for two years and then engaged to be married for six months, built and solidified a solid foundation for us to grow on. We went to pre-marriage counseling and discussed everything from how our childhood family experiences relate to how we act towards each other now, to how breaking the trust we have in one-another can seriously, and sometimes irreparably, damage even the strongest of relationships. By all accounts we’ve done everything right, and we’re both reaping the rewards for that by enjoying a healthy and happy marriage.

 

But, and you know that there would be a “but” (because I wouldn’t be posting a message on this web site otherwise), I have a problem. My psyche was permanently scarred in a previous relationship by a woman whom, in retrospect, I thought I loved very much – that’s right, it’s the same old story, she cheated on me. This was the first and only time I’ve ever been placed in that situation. I didn’t know how to deal with it, or the emotions it was causing me to feel. We spent some time apart, we did a lot of talking, we even went to a counselor for a brief period of time. In the long run, as I was with her for another three years, I never fully trusted her ever again and eventually ended it in a horrible and gut-wrenching breakup. It was absolutely miserable.

 

So how does this relate to my current situation, you may be asking yourself. Well, because of this past experience, it has caused me to become rather insecure. I always feel like I have to “watch my back” and “protect my investment” so to speak. Now, I think there’s a very healthy level of that kind of thinking which does, and should, go on in every relationship (i.e. not being apathetic)… but I take it to the extreme. I worry about things I shouldn’t, I do things I shouldn’t do (and told myself I never would), to make sure that I’m not going to be hurt. You could say that the fear of being put into that situation again, especially considering how wonderful my marriage is, scares the hell out of me and I will do anything to keep it from happening. It consumes me.

 

I know I’m basing the feelings I’m having in my current relationship upon those which I’ve experienced in the past and this is wrong to do. It's unfair to my wonderful wife. In fact, I have every reason in the world to trust her. She has proven that to me by both communicating with me and taking action in certain situations, over and over again. I still, however, can’t help but have these feelings… and it’s driving me absolutely insane. I need to find some way to deal with them or I truly believe that it will start to become a problem in our relationship or drive me to be admitted to our local insane asylum.

 

What do I do?

[Tony T]

You are being very unfair to your wife by dragging in hurt and paranoia from a previous relationship. Just stop it. Do you not enjoy a great meal because you once had indigestion? Do you not drive to work because years ago you had an accident on the way? Hey, life is full of dangers, pain and uncertainty but if you live your life anticipating crap that probably won't ever happen you totally rob yourself of today's happiness.

 

It's a decision you have to make. A therapist can't do it for you. A minister can't do it for you. If you trust your wife, settle back and enjoy each day with her and drop the crazy thinking. If you don't trust your wife, divorce her. But if you're intent on poisoning your marriage with irrational thoughts because of something in the past, resolve yourself to a miserable existance. It's yours to do, nobody elses.

[romantic]

Hello Tony!

 

Thanks so much for your reply. You are completely correct, and bring up several excellent examples of why this type of thinking is destructive to me, my wife, and our marriage. This is something I've been struggling with for quite some time now, and like I said, never having to deal with those types of feelings before, am having trouble "letting go". You're right, it's only a decision I can make.

[FolderWife]

Have you spoken to your wife about your feelings? It sounds like the two of you are MADLY in love, and I can tell you from a woman's perspective, we like to know what's going on. If you would come out and tell her point blank that your previous relationship is causing you to feel insecure about the strength of your marriage....NOTHING THAT SHE'S DONE, just the past is causing you to doubt, I'm sure she'll understand, and probably do little things to make you more secure.

 

She will then automatically assure you that you have NOTHING to worry about, and that she can't believe you'd ever doubt her. That will help you feel more secure. Be sure that you reassure her that you don't doubt her per say, but rather you have these feelings of doubt that keep lingering.

 

If she's like me, she'll love you so much that she'll go out of her way to make you feel better..i.e. calling from work to let you know she'll be late, calling to let you know she's going to the grocery store, simple things that would put your mind at ease.

 

It's obvious she isn't really doint anything, it's just your insecurities. You two are "partners in crime" which also indicates "partners in life" and though she doesn't HAVE to put your mind at ease, if you talk to her about it, she will probably WILLINGLY do little things to help you.

 

Also, your past has made you who you are. Your past has made you the man that she loves. Also, your past probably plays a big role in how much you APPRECIATE your wife. I know that I wouldn't appreciate my husband nearly as much if I hadn't had bad relationship experiences prior to meeting him. The reason I said that, is as a reassurance that your wife won't be angry at you for having feelings that you are having trouble getting rid of..how could she? Your past made you the mad she loves.

[gaia]

Tony, I so envy you. Can you really stop yourself worrying about things just because it's irrational? Can we swap brains, please?

[reggio]

What are you thinking?

 

Do you realize how good you have it?

 

You shouldn't be thinking about a past relationship when you are now happily married.

 

Has your wife given you any reason not to trust her?

 

You should love her even more.

 

Peace

[gaia]

OK, romantic, so that's settled then. It is not logical to worry, therefore you will tell your mind to stop and everything will be OK. Obviously you have no right to feel any insecurity and all carrying of "baggage" from previous relationships will henceforth be banned as it isn't "useful".

 

Do you feel better now?

[Thinkalot]

romantic- A therapist might be able to help you through these feelings, which plague many others who have been in your shoes. We humans are often not rational creatures, and sometimes outside help is what we need, and there is no shame in that at all. It might help you work through things, and find some methods which help you control you insecurity and live more based on what you have in the present.

 

Just because you know you should not worry, doesn't mean it's easy to stop. I know. Been there. So I wish you luck on your journey. Maybe reading some books will help too...there are some great self help ones out there.

[gaia]

Originally posted by Thinkalot

 

Just because you know you should not worry, doesn't mean it's easy to stop. I know. Been there.

 

Me too

 

From the other responses, however, you'd think it was quite rare!

 

romantic, if you are having real difficulties getting rid of these thoughts, check out some of Thinkalot's previous threads - lots of ideas from many who have experienced this. If you need a therapist, do it. From my own experience, it gets worse rather than better if you ignore it - stamp on it before it takes a hold.