Justified to feel hurt?

[RuinedLife]

Would you feel hurt if your boyfriend or girlfriend canceled their weekend plans with you so they could spend their weekend alone with a friend of the opposite sex instead?

 

How would you react to the situation?

Would you feel justified in voicing your concern?

[vsmini]

Yes. I would.

 

Every circumstance is different though. If it was a good friend from out of town I could of course be more understanding but why can't you be included at all?

[tigressA]

I would be pissed off no matter what the circumstances. A whole weekend alone with a friend of the opposite sex, and after canceling plans for that same weekend with me? No f*cking way. I'd be sorely tempted to dump them.

 

I would ask why they felt they had to cancel established plans with you, and then ask why you can't be included in their new plans. If they sound shady, definitely reconsider the relationship. The fact that they canceled plans with you in order to hang out with this other person, presumably without you, is shady in itself.

[thatone]

not acceptable in any way shape or form.

[RuinedLife]

Yes. I would.

 

Every circumstance is different though. If it was a good friend from out of town I could of course be more understanding but why can't you be included at all?

 

What reason would there be not to be included? Awkwardness I suppose?

[Pianiste]

I go by the golden rule that whoever you make plans with first will have priority. Although over the years I've come across some pretty valid reasons to cancel plans. I get that in some situations they might have a lot of catching up to do and wouldn't want you there constantly but I don't see why it would have to be awkward if you joined them at some point during the weekend. If he doesn't offer it to you you might aswell ask him whether you can meet up with them.

 

But make sure it's not at the very beginning of the weekend because if they do have a lot of catching up to do that's where it'll happen and you might feel left out. :-)

[rafallus]

Yes.

 

If it's just a friend, why wouldn't she bring him along for me to get to know? Maybe I'd find him cool.

[RuinedLife]

So if its a friend that they haven't seen in a long time you think its ok for them to not include you in their new weekend plans with this old friend, as it would be awkward if you were to all hang out together?

[PegNosePete]

So if its a friend that they haven't seen in a long time you think its ok for them to not include you in their new weekend plans with this old friend, as it would be awkward if you were to all hang out together?

No not at all.

Why should you not be included? Does this "friend" not know about you? Does your GF think they will not like you? Why does your GF want to keep you separate?

To me it would not be acceptable at all, in fact it would be a dumping offence.

[RuinedLife]

No not at all.

Why should you not be included? Does this "friend" not know about you? Does your GF think they will not like you? Why does your GF want to keep you separate?

To me it would not be acceptable at all, in fact it would be a dumping offence.

 

Yeah an old friend of the opposite sex who doesn't know you, and was close with your partner in the past.

 

I guess maybe your partner would just not want to include you and introduce you to this old friend as it would be too awkward?

 

Or maybe its more likely to be because your partner doesn't really respect you and is ashamed of you in some way?

[PegNosePete]

Why would it be awkward? You seem quite keen to justify her actions using this word. Has she told you that is the reason she doesn't want you there? Why would it be awkward unless either one of them still holds feelings for the other? And if they do, then they should not be meeting, especially alone.

 

Basically it is WRONG.

[rafallus]

Why would it be awkward? You seem quite keen to justify her actions using this word. Has she told you that is the reason she doesn't want you there? Why would it be awkward unless either one of them still holds feelings for the other? And if they do, then they should not be meeting, especially alone.

 

Basically it is WRONG.

Indeed.

 

 

As far as I am concerned, when anyone likes me, they have no problem introducing me to their friends. In fact, they encourage it.

 

If a girl goes out of her way to avoid it, I can't help but think she doesn't like me as much as she would imply to, and probably has some skeletons in the closet which resurface. I don't buy "it would be awkward" excuse. There is no reason why it would be, unless they have a thing going on, or either me or him are sociopaths - even if I won't become BFF with him, there should be no reasons not to stay civil.

Edited June 15, 2011 by rafallus

[RuinedLife]

Ok I'll level with you. I'm trying to determine whether or not I was justified tell my bf that I felt hurt when he cancelled his weekend plans with me and had an old female friend spend the weekend with him instead.

 

I told him I felt hurt and not to change his plans so suddenly again and exclude me in the future. And I also told him that our relationship wouldn't work out if he couldn't understand why I felt hurt. Which I really regret now as soon after he dumped me. And I just feel so responsible for the break up because I know if I hadn't told him how hurt I felt and how our relationship wouldn't work if he couldn't understand, that everything would still be fine between us. And I feel so guilty and regretful for telling him how I felt.

 

He didn't say "it would be awkward if I was there" he just didn't want me there and just wanted to spend some time catching up, just the two of them.

 

But I have really bad anxiety issues and felt really insecure so even though I trusted him, my anxiety and insecurities got the better of me, and I ended up telling him how I felt, when I would usually have tried to keep those anxious and insecure feelings to myself. In this situation it just seemed like I needed to tell him how I felt so that he wouldn't do the same thing in the future and would be more understanding of my feelings. But it had the complete opposite effect as he just decided I was too insecure for him and we broke up.

 

I just don't know whether in this case my insecurity was justified? As I feel so guilty and hate myself so much for ruining my relationship. I feel I should have been able to better suppress my anxiety and insecurity. And I really wish that I had not told him how I felt, but instead just waited it out.

 

Now I can't take back what I did, but still I'm curious to know how others would have reacted in the same situation and whether they would also have felt excluded and told their partner how they felt? Because I don't know whether me expressing how hurt I felt was purely due to my own insecurities or whether I was justified to express my feelings? And I wonder whether most people would feel excluded in a similar situation? Or whether I really did completely overreact and most people wouldn't be phased by such a situation.

[PegNosePete]

I just feel so responsible for the break up because I know if I hadn't told him how hurt I felt and how our relationship wouldn't work if he couldn't understand, that everything would still be fine between us.

Well obviously everything was NOT fine if he ditched you for the weekend to hang out with an ex. Seriously every single reply to your post has been saying the same thing. What he did was WRONG and you were RIGHT to express your feelings to him. You established a boundary which he crossed. If he had "forgiven" you for expressing your feelings (!) then what kind of relationship would you have in the future? He could get away with doing what the hell he wanted knowing that if you object, he can turn the blame around right onto you.

 

He sounds like a right arsehole.

 

He probably did something completely inappropriate with his ex that weekend.. Sounds like he is extremely GUILTY from his behaviour towards you.

 

I feel so guilty and regretful for telling him how I felt.

WTF?? You feel bad for having good communication skills? You did totally right and he revealed himself to be a complete twat.

 

I feel so guilty and hate myself so much for ruining my relationship.

HE ruined it.

HE acted inappropriately by breaking your plans for the weekend - what an arsehole.

HE ditched you to see his ex - what an arsehole.

HE didn't want you there - what an arsehole.

 

In short he did not respect you or your relationship in the slightest. You need to move on and find someone who will respect you. How do you think he would have reacted if you had ditched your plans with him to see your ex for a weekend??

[RuinedLife]

It wasn't an ex who stayed with him though, was just an old female friend that he hadn't seen in years. I guess maybe I should have made that more clear. And I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed (not that I would do what he did as it just feels wrong to me personally), but he didn't answer the question, just blamed my insecurities, so I guess he wouldn't feel hurt if the situation were reversed. I know I probably did overreact, but I just wanted him to try and understand how I felt and take my feelings into consideration and not exclude me next time it happened.

[nyc_guy2003]

I assign a 75% probability that he is planning to have sex with said friend on said weekend alone together.

[Sazerac]

Ok I'll level with you. I'm trying to determine whether or not I was justified tell my bf that I felt hurt when he cancelled his weekend plans with me and had an old female friend spend the weekend with him instead.

 

Why in the name of all that's holy would you need to feel justified in such a situation?

 

There's no justification needed. What you did was perfectly acceptable. His behavior, on the other hands, was anything but. He has you completely flummoxed with his gaslighting and turning this around on you. HE is the one with the issue, not you.

 

I know it is hard to let go, but believe me, you dodged a bullet on this guy rather than finding out about him years down the road. Leave him in the dust and move on - you're worth far more than how he's treating you.

[PegNosePete]

It wasn't an ex who stayed with him though, was just an old female friend that he hadn't seen in years. I guess maybe I should have made that more clear.

It makes not one jot of difference.

 

And I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed (not that I would do what he did as it just feels wrong to me personally), but he didn't answer the question, just blamed my insecurities, so I guess he wouldn't feel hurt if the situation were reversed.

Umm WHAT? I'm sorry to say this but I'd like to bang your head against a brick wall to wake you up.

Firstly you shouldn't actually ask what he would have done in that situation... it's supposed to be a thought experiment... people LIE. Even if he had said yes it would be fine if you'd done that, I would not have believed him. He would only have been saying that to justify his actions. If you had actually *done* it then I very much doubt he would have accepted it!!!

But even then, he DIDN'T say he would have accepted it! HE BLAME-SHIFTED it onto you!!! What a piece of work he is!

 

I know I probably did overreact

Well I don't know how many more times we have to say it before you get the message. You did not over-react. He acted inappropriately, you called him out on it, and he essentially ADMITTED his guilt by the way he acted.

[rafallus]

It wasn't an ex who stayed with him though, was just an old female friend that he hadn't seen in years. I guess maybe I should have made that more clear. And I asked him how he would feel if the situation were reversed (not that I would do what he did as it just feels wrong to me personally), but he didn't answer the question, just blamed my insecurities, so I guess he wouldn't feel hurt if the situation were reversed. I know I probably did overreact, but I just wanted him to try and understand how I felt and take my feelings into consideration and not exclude me next time it happened.

 

You deserve better than that

 

<hugs>.

[RuinedLife]

I assign a 75% probability that he is planning to have sex with said friend on said weekend alone together.

 

I honestly don't think he cheated on me. I just wanted him to understand how I felt and not to exclude me in the future if the same situation came up. But he couldn't understand how I felt.

 

Why in the name of all that's holy would you need to feel justified in such a situation?

 

There's no justification needed. What you did was perfectly acceptable. His behavior, on the other hands, was anything but. He has you completely flummoxed with his gaslighting and turning this around on you. HE is the one with the issue, not you.

 

I know it is hard to let go, but believe me, you dodged a bullet on this guy rather than finding out about him years down the road. Leave him in the dust and move on - you're worth far more than how he's treating you.

 

I guess maybe you're right. For a long time now I've thought he is worth more than me (still do in many ways), so when he tells me I'm too insecure for him I tend to think I was wrong to tell him how I felt and be so desperate for him to understand my point of view.

 

It makes not one jot of difference.

 

 

Umm WHAT? I'm sorry to say this but I'd like to bang your head against a brick wall to wake you up.

Firstly you shouldn't actually ask what he would have done in that situation... it's supposed to be a thought experiment... people LIE. Even if he had said yes it would be fine if you'd done that, I would not have believed him. He would only have been saying that to justify his actions. If you had actually *done* it then I very much doubt he would have accepted it!!!

But even then, he DIDN'T say he would have accepted it! HE BLAME-SHIFTED it onto you!!! What a piece of work he is!

 

 

Well I don't know how many more times we have to say it before you get the message. You did not over-react. He acted inappropriately, you called him out on it, and he essentially ADMITTED his guilt by the way he acted.

 

But maybe from his point of view he generally saw no problem in his actions, and was generally unable to understand how I felt?

 

Or maybe he was thinking about ending our relationship anyway, and used this fight as an excuse to break up with me?

 

You deserve better than that

 

<hugs>.

 

Thanks

[PegNosePete]

But maybe from his point of view he generally saw no problem in his actions, and was generally unable to understand how I felt?

Is that the kind of person who you want to be with? Someone who doesn't understand how you feel, someone who cancels weekends with you to go off with other females, someone who is not prepared to listen ot your point of view or to even discuss it like a mature adult?

 

Or maybe he was thinking about ending our relationship anyway, and used this fight as an excuse to break up with me?

Maybe. It certainly doesn't sound like the relationship was going to last much longer, anyway. Even if he didn't cheat on you with this girl, it sounds like it was only a matter of time. He had no respect for you or your relationship whatsoever. You deserve a lot better.

[Sazerac]

I honestly don't think he cheated on me. I just wanted him to understand how I felt and not to exclude me in the future if the same situation came up. But he couldn't understand how I felt.

 

I guess maybe you're right. For a long time now I've thought he is worth more than me (still do in many ways), so when he tells me I'm too insecure for him I tend to think I was wrong to tell him how I felt and be so desperate for him to understand my point of view.

 

To me, it is less an issue of whether he cheated or not (not that it wouldn't be horrid for him to do so) but how he completely disrespected you and your feelings.

 

Trust me when I say a quality person does not treat others in the way he treated you. You, on the other hand, showed great character in how you handled the situation. Although I don't have enough information to say for certain, it sounds as if he is rather immature in comparison to you.

 

I hope your self-esteem improves, because you seem like a fine person to me. Hopefully soon you will meet someone who sees this as well.

[RuinedLife]

Thanks for all the support guys.

 

Really means a lot.

 

I just wish I didn't feel so guilty. But I guess its just sad that things had to end the way they did. I do have low self esteem its true, but still seems we both could have handled the situation better. I think we just had a lot of misunderstandings and things went from bad to worse.

 

I have to see him again at some point, when I collect some stuff that I left at his house and I don't know what I'm going to say to him. He's just shut me out coldly, so harshly cut me out of his life. So I can't help but feel like I've really let him down.

 

I really wish I wasn't so insecure. Maybe if I wasn't then I would have been better able to handle the situation. You say I didn't overreact, but if my reaction was normal surely he would have been more understanding?

 

I guess I just worded my feelings in the wrong way and it put him on the defensive and caused him to shut me out.

[Pianiste]

What you asked of him had a pretty easy solution, to be included at some point during the weekend, and he could've chosen that but instead he chose to break up with you. He obviously just wasn't willing to put the energy into the relationship anymore. I doubt this was the only thing that made him shut you out completely, it probably was the last straw though.

 

There are plenty of other fish in the sea that'll match you better. So don't wallow over this one. :-)

[RuinedLife]

What you asked of him had a pretty easy solution, to be included at some point during the weekend, and he could've chosen that but instead he chose to break up with you. He obviously just wasn't willing to put the energy into the relationship anymore. I doubt this was the only thing that made him shut you out completely, it probably was the last straw though.

 

There are plenty of other fish in the sea that'll match you better. So don't wallow over this one. :-)

 

Yes I guess.

 

I just can't forgive myself for how I acted because of my insecurities.

I so desperately want to be able to, but it seems no matter how many people tell me it wasn't my fault or that I had I right to tell him how I felt I just don't believe it. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just feel like I threw a good relationship away for nothing. And I love my ex so much still.