Online chat on a Facebook App - Is this cheating ?

[isthischeating]

Hi - I have been chatting on whothinksofyou.com for the past 2-3 months and have since had an ongoing chat with 4 women from different parts of the world. Our conversations have always been decent and never include sex or raunchy talk. Yes, we have resorted to mild flirting by calling each other Gorgeous, beautiful, handsome etc.

 

I have never hidden the fact that I am married with kids and have never indicated that I wanted to be more than just friends. I have just recently had one of these women request to be friends on facebook and I signed her up. My fault here is that I never let my wife know that I have been chatting for the past 2-3 months, but have never thought much of it as it was more to me about communicating with friends that I can relate to without ever wanting it to get serious.

 

My wife is really mad with me for not telling her about this chatting and I am a bit confused here as I do not look at it as being anything more than a platonic friendship with women that I have a plain and decent 1-2 sentence conversation every other day.

 

Could you women out there give me your views here as I really do not want this strain in our marriage to go on and neither do I want to loose on the friendship that I have developed online. I have shown my wife every conversation I have had and also she has access to my facebook account ? I do not plan on hiding anything going forward but would at the same time like to keep this friendship going. Any advice would be much appreciated - Thanks

[vsmini]

No - IMO it is not cheating. You have been perfectly clear with your marriage and kids which would lead me to think that you're not having any type of online emotional affair and you have shown and given your wife complete access to your conversations.

Have you had any male friends through this chat? only women does look a bit odd. You have to talk about it with your wife - if it's important to her that you stop...then you should respect her wishes, shouldn't you? If it's very important to you too...well....I guess it's a hard call.

[isthischeating]

Now looking for male friends would be something I would find odd . I don't know how you ladies view this.

 

I have both male and female friends on my FB but is always family/friends that I have physically met. This is the first that I have ever use a FB App more out off curiosity than anything else. Also, I have been married for 18yrs and have never ever been unfaithful or even though of that road. I have a whole bunch of girl friends single / married at work that my wife has no problems with. Not sure why this should get her all angry - She says that I should not be using the words darlin, gorgeous princess to complete strangers.

 

I do not view these 4 women as strangers as we have been connecting for 3 months and discuss families, our weekends, the weather etc. To me its just light hearted flirting and is this really that serous ?

[vsmini]

Yea - that's flirting. Calling them little pet names is disrespectful to your wife. Even if you think it's harmless it's obvious she is upset. You seem to think your wife is rationale so maybe she has a legit reason to feel upset.

 

And why is meeting/having guy friends online weird? why is it only ok to meet women on there?

It's some red (if not, mild pink) flag behavior.

[isthischeating]

So complementng a guy by calling him handsome is okay ? If your familiar with whothinksofyou then that is how you start up a conversation. So using the words darlin, gorgeous princess to women I know (not online) is okay ? Because my wife does not seem to think of that as a problem but using them with women online it taboo.

 

She has full access to check my messages on facebook and I have also deleted my account with the APP because she was upset. But I am upset as well that I have now lost 3 people who I considered to be friends.

 

Also how would you define a stranger ?

 

• A person that you know physically but do not communicate at all with.
  
• Or a person that you know online that you can communicate and relate too.
  

 

Also does what I have related above constitute cheating ? Appreciate your insight. Would also like have some feedback from guys out there - Thanks.

[vsmini]

Is she even accusing you of cheating? because it doesn't sound like she is....and just because it's not cheating it doesn't mean you can use that to support your argument to your wife.

 

It's not what you call them - it's the flirting, which you admitted it was. Wow - wife doesn't like her husband flirting with other women (online or in person) this isn't new. If they say weed is the gateway drug to other harder drugs...flirting could be the gateway to cheating. Not all the time but it can be.

 

At the end of the day - after everything people tell you on LS (in your favor or not) you still have to have a relationship with your wife. How much are you going to fight for those 3 internet friends? Is it worth putting the strain on your marriage?

 

• 
  

  • A person that you know physically but do not communicate at all with.
    
  • Or a person that you know online that you can communicate and relate too.
    

  [*]

You could consider both of those to be strangers or non-strangers - it all depends on the situation.

Again - we can tell you here on LS until we are blue in the face that what you are doing is right or wrong but at the end of the day it depends on what you and your wife think.

[Silivren]

From a personal standpoint - my issue would be with the fact that you were chatting with women and hiding it from your wife. Perhaps you felt what you were doing was innocent and had no intention of taking things further you must be aware that this is how emotional affairs can start... it's all innocent flirting until it starts to turn serious and feelings start to develop.

 

I think if you truly felt you weren't doing anything wrong you would have been up front about it much sooner. I had this conversation with my bf a while back when he was texting an ex f@#k buddy behind my back. Yeah I get that you have female friends. That's great. But when you are contacting women when I'm not around and are hiding it from me... why are you hiding it, if it's so innocent?

[isthischeating]

Thanks for your insight vsmini. Appreciate the time taken to write back. Also going thru issues that are being discussed here I feel the one I am facing right now to be a pretty minuscule one. Will have the wife check this site to get a better perspective to our situation.

 

Maybe if there is a next time I will sign men online as well

[isthischeating]

Well Silivren - I can never quite understand why a man is always chastised for his action but if it were the woman doing something like this v men do not have similar emotional outbursts. Thanks for your advice but take a leaf out of VSmini's replies which were a lot more helpful.

[Silivren]

I don't think it's necessarily just men that get chastised. Women go through this as well. People make mistakes and I agree with Vsmini - regardless of what you did being right or wrong, if your spouse is important to you then maybe you should focus on your relationship with her.

 

I hope it all works out for you. Good luck

[isthischeating]

Thank's Silivren - I was expecting to get a mouthwash from ya I hope so as well - Will probably give u guys an update.

[Woman In Blue]

Bored, married guys on chat programs looking for 'lady friends' are a dime a dozen. Hell, they're a penny a dozen. You can't go anywhere online without running into multitudes of these guys all wanting to be 'chat buddies.' I don't give them the time of day.

 

And alot of them are honest about their marital status, so you're not unique just because you tell these ladies you're married.

 

Sorry, but the whole thing screams "I'm bored and want some female attention."

[isthischeating]

Woman in Blue - So why do men connect with women (single / married) online, becoz there r a dime a dozen women looking for friendship as well. If u don't give them the time of day does not make you a role model, may be yr just too boring and cynical for any guy wanting to really bother with you. When signing up here we are asked to be courteous but hey I also believe in standing up when someones trying to bash you.

 

Who said anything about being unique or wanting too. i only see women here writing back becoz I guess other men do not see online chat as being a major issue.

 

Did it ever occur to you why married men may be bored, its becoz most women today spend all their time watching reality TV (Get real) or trying to be Dr Ph** on sites like these. Everyone online has the option to choose to connect or not with someone that wants to chat online. If your intentions are nothing other than friendship why should there be a problem.

 

I'm sure getting some female attention here Does that want me to stay on, only time will tell.

 

 

PS - Guys, I would like some men's take on this as well.

[Only Gal]

i'm sorry to say this, but Oh god man!!! what were u thinking? u have a wife! and family!

 

spouse is supposed to respect each other, COMMUNICATING, telling each other openly, and trust without making each other feeling insecure.

You should protect her feelings.

dont u want your wife to protect your feelings too?

dont u want your wife to trust her own H?

dont u want to get her trust?

 

this thing that u did would make suspicious her to u -> insecure -> jealous -> starting not to trust u -> fights all the time -> your marriage is over.

 

ive been in your wife situation. and i know how it feels to have my partner calling and being called with those names to other girls. they were his FRENS, and i still didnt like it. Can u imagine if they were bunch of girls-dont-know-who that he knows after me?

 

I give u advice: women are more sensitive, don't hurt us, we want to be our man's princess/queen, if could, we want to be treated as we are the only woman in the world for our man. Once women being treated in that way, men would get our loyalty to death and all the supports men could get, in return of being treated with respects.

 

and u were chatting n making frens with women on net, calling sweet names, flirting.

Again, im telling u, women are sensitive. i mean ALL women. those women could receive your treat in a "different way" as u do. What if they want more of you as your flirtation is going on? if u can flirt to them, u might want something more in the end. Some women out there just don't care about anything to get a married man they like. Thats what most gf/wives fear about. feeling insecure.

 

Let me put this way, if it's the other way around, your wife is been chatting n making new male frens through net without u knowing, n she is flirting with them. How would u feel?

 

some ppl said: "u wont ever feel/understand other ppl feelings untill you yourself through it".

so, dont make yourself in that position if u dont wanna know.

becareful of karma too, my fren!

 

promise her, that u will never hurt her feelings. dont let the pain go too deep for her. u dont know what ppl could do untill u hurt them.

Edited June 12, 2011 by Only Gal

[WhisperinnWinds]

I believe you said you have both male and female friends on Facebook. On this site you went to, did you ever seek out MALE friends (I might have missed that). A man seeking out exclusively female friends would be a red flag to me, even online. But if you say that besides playful little flirting - the rest of it was completely appropriate - what is there to fear?

 

Emotional affairs can be a tricky category - just because there isn't anything there to judge. If I'm friends with someone and find him physically attractive - could that be an affair? Or does it go beyond that - to actually verbally (written or oral) flirting extensively? It's tough to judge.

 

In my opinion, you didn't cheat. I don't think that a partner owes his partner a play-by-play of everyone he talks to. If she explicitly asked and you found yourself hiding it, there's an example of a possible affair (or the realization it may not be quite right). But certainly I've talked to guys online and my boyfriend talks to women online. I don't quiz him about it, and he doesn't quiz me about it. If he asks a question, I won't omit from the answer.

 

Playful flirting, even online, can be frustrating to members of the couple. My boyfriend has long been a flirt - online and elsewhere - but I trust him. Our agreement is that we don't do it in front of each other, and not excessively. A comment here and there is fine.

 

It's only cheating to the extent that the other member of the couple considers it cheating. After fearing an emotional affair of my own, I spoke to my boyfriend - at which point he laughed in my face at the possibility of calling it 'cheating' and asked what was for dinner.

 

I doubt you have anything to worry about.

[Linda9999]

I belong to another board with over 800 women on it and we recently had a discussion about this very topic. The vast majority of those women said that it wouldn't be the fact that he was chatting with other women that bothered them, but it would be the fact it was kept secret. Silivren hit the nail on the head.

[OofWhack]

I appreciate your insight on my post and thought it would only be right for me to read yours and comment as well. Unfortunately, I have to agree with 99% of your responders... the chatting is not a problem, the secret-keeping is. I'm sure to you you see nothing wrong with what you did because in "your" mind, it was 100% platonic. Your wife disagrees because you are existing in this "whole other cyber life" that she was unaware of.

My question is this... why were you keeping her in the dark? I asked my bf the same question. I don't care if you text a female friend, but why would you keep that entire situation from me? He said he did because he was afraid I would get jealous or mad at him. For what?? If it's 100% innocent as he keeps insisting it is, then why would I get mad? Answer: because I found out about it and he didn't tell me.

 

Does your wife know you came here and asked advice? Do you speak openly about this issue now or do you still suffer about it? Has coming here and spilling it out helped or hurt your situation?? I'm just curious because it seems a lot of times these threads end and you never know how something works out or if someone took ur advice, lol.

 

You seem like a nice person and I'm sure you'll work this out. My advice is to be 100% honest, always!! Esp to your other half. A friend once told me that honesty was the best policy even if the truth hurt, a lie found out will hurt more and always look for the good in even the worst situations. Those two statements define me. This is why I refuse to listen to the 'male-bashers', although I appreciate their time and input, I want to make it work with my bf. We have "staying power" and this one little glitch I am just trying to figure out.

 

Why is it that guys don't understand omitting facts is another form of lying??

[stace79]

Here are the problems that I see (I'm a female).

1. You are flirting by calling these women pet names. I'm sorry - I just don't think I'd ever be okay with my husband calling other women pet names. It's disrespectful.
   
2. You chatted with these women behind your wife's back. I don't believe you should keep secrets in a marriage. Just because you give her access to Facebook doesn't mean you get to keep other apps a secret.
   
3. Why do you need to develop close friendships with other women? Your wife should be your closest, intimate friendship.
   
4. Maybe you don't think it's a big deal, but your wife is obviously hurt and feels betrayed. What is more important? A virtual friend that you say you never intend to meet in person, or your wife?
   

I think you should also examine why you feel you need attention from other women. If you are feeling unhappy or unfulfilled in your marriage, then work on your marriage. Don't escape to these virtual chats.

[Woman In Blue]

Woman in Blue - So why do men connect with women (single / married) online, becoz there r a dime a dozen women looking for friendship as well. If u don't give them the time of day does not make you a role model, may be yr just too boring and cynical for any guy wanting to really bother with you.

Oh FFS. Do you think chat programs are ONLY for people looking to hook up with each other? I have friends and family all over the country and sometimes it's easier to chat with them rather than type out a long email. In the course of chatting with them, there's always a bunch of married losers randomly IM'ing me and trying to chat me up. And if I were so BORING and CYNICAL, why the hell are they constantly BOTHERING me? What an ignorant statement - it has no logic, whatsoever.

 

And your comment about me thinking I'm some kind of role model doesn't even make freakin' sense either, so I'm not going to address that stupidity.

 

I cut your type right off at the knees when they IM me. I don't engage in the typical married man bullsh*it chat that they all spew, "I'm just looking for friends..." Please.

 

Did it ever occur to you why married men may be bored, its becoz most women today spend all their time watching reality TV (Get real) or trying to be Dr Ph** on sites like these.

Quite honestly, I don't give a rat's ass WHY married men are online looking for female attention. I couldn't care LESS if their wives are watching too much reality TV or spending too much time on message boards. It's not my responsibility to entertain these jackholes just because they can't get their marriages on track.

 

Nice attempt at a rebuttal, Mr. Keyboard Romeo, but it didn't quite hit the mark. But hey, thanks for playing.

Edited June 17, 2011 by Woman In Blue

[isthischeating]

Thanks to all who have written on my post (Except Woman in Blue who is disgusting). I agree with the secret keeping being an issue here but quite honestly even if I were not to keep a secret there would not hv been much of a difference IMHO. Two weeks on and we continue to hv differences of opinion on this subject.

 

Yes I have given her access to this thread and she has read all till my last few posts. As far as I am concerned I hv nothing to hide and hence will not tolerate male bashing here. Off all of u guys that have responded here u hv all been women not a single guy. Maybe we just think differently.

 

Since the last time I hv reinstalled the app with my wifes knowledge and this time round have included the male and female options to connect with me and guess what, in the week since my last post have had close to 100 women & 0 men write to me wanting to be friends. Within, I am glad at not receiving requests from men but just wanted to share this here.

 

Has this forum helped, I really do not think so becoz all that I take from here and agree on is the secrecy issue. Having male or female online friends for either sex should not be an issue as long as u keep it appropriate. I also do not agree that using petnames (as u guys put it) should be an issue but then that is JMHO.

 

Enjoy yr weekend everyone.

 

PS - oofwhack - thanks for writing back I hope all goes well with yr situation. Quite honestly to me it seems like roles reversed and If I were to speak from the mans prespective, forgive becoz in our hearts v hv nothing to hide. Other situations that I read about the week I signed up seem a lot more drastic. There's a lot more to life than keeping a grudge becoz u were not told before the fact - Good Luck

[stace79]

Just because you think that calling other women "baby" or "gorgeous" is okay doesn't mean your wife or most women agree with you. And what is more important? Your relationship/feelings of your partner? Or being "right?"

 

You seem very selfish and as if you do not care what your wife thinks, and it sounds like you only wanted to find people to agree with you so you could continue your emotional affairs online free of guilt.

 

You KNOW you did something wrong, or you wouldn't have been on here asking for people's opinions.

[Keke1]

Just because you think that calling other women "baby" or "gorgeous" is okay doesn't mean your wife or most women agree with you. And what is more important? Your relationship/feelings of your partner? Or being "right?"

 

You seem very selfish and as if you do not care what your wife thinks, and it sounds like you only wanted to find people to agree with you so you could continue your emotional affairs online free of guilt.

 

You KNOW you did something wrong, or you wouldn't have been on here asking for people's opinions.

 

Exactly right. Im a dude.

I see that you tried to play the naive husband. Come on man you know exactly why she was mad and continues to be mad at you. This won't be the end of this. In the future it will rise again because you are going to continue doing what your wife doesn't want you doing. If my girl would do that i would think that it would lead to something else.

Edited June 19, 2011 by Keke1

[Keke1]

Thanks to all who have written on my post (Except Woman in Blue who is disgusting). I agree with the secret keeping being an issue here but quite honestly even if I were not to keep a secret there would not hv been much of a difference IMHO. Two weeks on and we continue to hv differences of opinion on this subject.

 

Yes I have given her access to this thread and she has read all till my last few posts. As far as I am concerned I hv nothing to hide and hence will not tolerate male bashing here. Off all of u guys that have responded here u hv all been women not a single guy. Maybe we just think differently.

 

Since the last time I hv reinstalled the app with my wifes knowledge and this time round have included the male and female options to connect with me and guess what, in the week since my last post have had close to 100 women & 0 men write to me wanting to be friends. Within, I am glad at not receiving requests from men but just wanted to share this here.

 

Has this forum helped, I really do not think so becoz all that I take from here and agree on is the secrecy issue. Having male or female online friends for either sex should not be an issue as long as u keep it appropriate. I also do not agree that using petnames (as u guys put it) should be an issue but then that is JMHO.

 

Enjoy yr weekend everyone.

 

PS - oofwhack - thanks for writing back I hope all goes well with yr situation. Quite honestly to me it seems like roles reversed and If I were to speak from the mans prespective, forgive becoz in our hearts v hv nothing to hide. Other situations that I read about the week I signed up seem a lot more drastic. There's a lot more to life than keeping a grudge becoz u were not told before the fact - Good Luck

 

Yea I think we all knew you were NOT going to stop no matter what your wife said. If not in the open then hidden like b4.

[Woman In Blue]

Thanks to all who have written on my post (Except Woman in Blue who is disgusting).

ROFL!! Well now I'm not going to be able to sleep at night because some married guy on the make who uses chat programs to 'befriend' women online thinks I'm disgusting. :rolleyes: Gosh and golly, how WILL I go on?

 

Your type is a dime a dozen, pal. But why are you wasting time posting here when you can be trawling your chat program looking for more women 'friends?'

 

LOL...talk about transparent. Ok, I'm done playing with the Internet Romeo. I encounter his type every day - don't need to do it here, too.

[lovinglife12]

no this is not cheating specially if she can see everything whenever she feels like it... heres my advice: Do you love your wife? then keep her happy...make her feel like your only one...the apple of ur eye and nothing else. we women like to feel special, so do that for her, stop talking to these women...they don't mean anything to you, don't let them hurt ur relationship.

 

You know what they say.... when a partner doesn't get what they want they find it somewhere else....

 

Ask yourself why you want to talk to these women so bad?? What feeling are providing you that u don't get? Can you feel the same feeling with your wife? Will you ask her to understand why ur talking to the other womwn?

 

So if you want to feel adventurous do it with your wife...do something new to keep the flame burning.