what should I do?

[going crazy]

I am currently in a serious relationship. We live together. We are very different people but have struggled to overcome those things and concentrate on what we do have in common and enjoy about the other. Overall he makes me very happy. Now here's the catch. I was married before, and divorced just over 2 years ago. It was very hard, I was young and confused and felt suffocated. I guess I gave up. It was not my ex, he treated me well and was a good man. It took me a long time to realize this. We have had some contact through e-mails and such over the years and I just feel like I made a big mistake. We have been talking and we are both curious to see if it would work out between us. Knowing what I do now and having matured and gotten to be where I had wanted on my own, I am thinking it might work. I am so torn between my current boyfriend and my ex. I do not want to risk it all and end up feeling worse in the end. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend either, I love him very much. I do not questions that, but whenever my ex and I talk all these feelings start rushing in. I don't want to let Mr. Right slip away, but which one is he? What should I do?

[Deejette]

I don't think you should give up your boyfriend for your ex-husband. You will just regret it when you have your first fight with your ex and realize why you left to begin with. I don't even think it is fair to your boyfriend that you are continuing contact with your ex-husband. Exes of mine have wanted to get back with me too, but I knew it was over and I didn't even want to encourage them by continuing with phone conversations and e-mail.

 

It is very easy to fall in love and very hard to get out of relationships. It is also easy to project on to others the qualities we see lacking in our current mates, so that we fall in love with the potential of the other person.

 

Almost every week some married man confides in me that his wife no longer understands him or doesn't support him. They see in me all kinds of wonderful qualities and are willing to begin affairs with me. But they would be fools to leave their wives for me because I know that they are only imaging how great things would be between us. It's all in their imaginations.

I am currently in a serious relationship. We live together. We are very different people but have struggled to overcome those things and concentrate on what we do have in common and enjoy about the other. Overall he makes me very happy. Now here's the catch. I was married before, and divorced just over 2 years ago. It was very hard, I was young and confused and felt suffocated. I guess I gave up. It was not my ex, he treated me well and was a good man. It took me a long time to realize this. We have had some contact through e-mails and such over the years and I just feel like I made a big mistake. We have been talking and we are both curious to see if it would work out between us. Knowing what I do now and having matured and gotten to be where I had wanted on my own, I am thinking it might work. I am so torn between my current boyfriend and my ex. I do not want to risk it all and end up feeling worse in the end. I do not want to hurt my boyfriend either, I love him very much. I do not questions that, but whenever my ex and I talk all these feelings start rushing in. I don't want to let Mr. Right slip away, but which one is he? What should I do?

[Paulie]

What is it about your current relationship that makes you question even leaving at all. There must be something that lets you even question leaving.

Also, it seems pretty fickle to leave a MARRAIGE because you feel tied down and smothered. I'm just afraid that you're expressing the same fickleness in your current relationship that you may have in your first one.

 

Are you sure you've changed alot? You may very well have, indeed...I just hope you take this into consideration, because of the obvious importance of any decision.

 

I also want to be sure that you're fair to your current boyfriend. I hope you won't have any innappropriate contact with your ex-husband without his knowledge.

 

Good luck!

[Tony T]

Going backwards seldom works. There were very good reasons why you got a divorce, a very major step. Sometimes our memory is very selective and we remember the really great parts of something but not the bad parts. The fact that you are looking back at you marriage has a lot to say about your current relationship. If you were happy and fulfilled, you would not have to look back at something you got a divorce from.

 

My vote is to move on and find someone you have no doubts about, someone you can build a positive future with. You don't need to have someone in your life just for the hell of it. You will always have feelings for people in your past but feelings aren't enough to carry a realtionship. There has to be much in common, which you don't seem to have now, and there have to be many basic agreements on philosophies of life in order to make things successful.

 

You need to take finding a mate very seriously. Don't be manipulated into going back in time. Just because you have matured, that's all the more reason to wonder if things would work with your ex. Because you have matured, that's all the reason to believe you are far more qualified to take the time to find a quality mate for yourself.

 

It's pretty easy to conjure up feelings of love through Emails and other communications with your ex...but reality and in person contact is a whole different ballgame.

 

Whatever you do, take your time.