QuestionLove73 Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 I have posted here and other places a few times over the years. But since I am not a regular, I should start this from the top. Met my wife 11.5 years ago and we started a long distance relationship for about 6 months. From there we moved to NC together but almost instantly the relationship started to show cracks in the foundation. I started to discover my wife was very jealous, and unable to really trust men (or really anyone) in her life. This, along with insecurities, and being far away from her home for the first time, resulted in countless arguments, her gaining 75-80 lbs, and just a lot of strain in the relationship. At that point in my life I felt the relationship was unequal. First financially (I made 2x 3x more than her) but then it seemed to grow into regular household upkeep and all. At the beginning of the relationship I had credit issues, but was slowly getting that repaired. One argument led to me giving up pretty much all control of the finances under threat of her leaving. Time passed, we moved away from NC to MD, and the relationship got even worse off. Emotionally I was starting to disconnect and so was she. To the point where she had a multi-month affair and did not tell me about it till 3 years after (and more details another year after that). I was floored and I had not found out till a year after we were married. But I have tried to forgive since I know our relationship was very very rocky. At one point I started to find interest in another woman but nothing ever happened. However I had posted my thoughts on it online and a couple years after she had found that post and it devastated her. No I am not perfect, but I had not cheated either. We got married and for the past 7 years it's been a see-saw of emotions. The highs was having out two kids. My wife got significantly happier and things seemed to be on a better track. But we had to move back to the DC area since my career was stalled and not making us enough in NY. So now we are raising two kids on our own, she is a SAHM, and for the past 6 months she has gone from depressed to probably bipolar. She is nearly incapacitated from just trying to take care of the kids. On weekends I hardly see her since she is either sleeping (till say 11am) or she locks herself in our bedroom. Weekdays I more than not end up having to cook, clean, etc because she was just unable to do it. More and more I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. I know my wife appreciates what I do but it seems conciliatory than anything. As I mentioned I believe my wife is bipolar, or has some other similar disorder. From 2009-2010 we lived apart during the week as I worked in DC, and I commuted home every weekend. It was 15 grueling months. But since my family moved back to the DC area my wife has made numerous trips to NY with the kids so she could stay with her mom. Or should I say I had to drive them up, take a train home, then weeks later take a train back up, and drive them home since she is seemingly unable to drive anywhere anymore. Panic attacks is making her unable to really function. She is starting to see a doctor about it, which he is not covered under insurance so that is big money out of our tight budget. At least a few weeks ago I took over our finances once again which feels I have just a tad more control over my family's life. It's only been a couple weeks but it seems the drugs are making her even more tired. Hell she has been sleeping since I got home today at 4, it's nearly 7. She slept on and off for part of the day, but then she has problems sleeping at night. She is still too easily flustered by our kids, and it seems parts of her jealously is returning to her personality. The biggest complaint for both of us is it's a sexless marriage. Even from dating we did not have sex as much as typical couples. For years it's been degrading to a point where maybe once every 3 months is typical, sometimes even longer. I wonder if there is psychological undertones in me that is finding her less attractive, not physically, but emotionally from the years of stress we have had. 11.5 years together, 7 married. 2 kids. I love my wife to death. I want to make this work, but damn if I am just not feeling like it's an unwinable battle. Link to post Share on other sites
lisal Posted June 9, 2011 Share Posted June 9, 2011 How old are your kids? It sounds more like she has post-partum depression. She may also still resent you for developing feelings for another woman. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted June 10, 2011 Author Share Posted June 10, 2011 Kids are 4 & 3. That old feelings issue was from circa 2003. And I did not cheat, but she did, for 3 months, and did not tell me about it till 2005, and also contracted a STD. If anyone... Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 So for an update. She has been seeing her shrink for the past few weeks. She has had improvements with some of her panic attacks but it's mostly marginal improvements. Talking to her on a trip back to NY yesterday (I had to bring her because she was suffering from panic attacks for hours) she mentioned that she is unsure if she will ever really feel happy with herself and life. This all just makes me feel depressed. I just feel that I have less-than-zero control of a good outcome in this. If we split it could be a messy divorce if we battle over the kids. If we stay I could be in a perpetual relationship that my wife will never feel happy in. Well happy in the sense of how I would define happy. She probably is as happy as she can get given her circumstances. Sigh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Anyone with some insight? Link to post Share on other sites
Olive42 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Are you able to talk to someone, perhaps that your insurance will help cover? There's nothing you can do to make her happy, it's her problem. Is she doing talk therapy, has she been diagnosed, or rx recommended or anything? What is your wife telling you the problem is? Does she know why she is so miserable? Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Are you able to talk to someone, perhaps that your insurance will help cover? There's nothing you can do to make her happy, it's her problem. Is she doing talk therapy, has she been diagnosed, or rx recommended or anything? What is your wife telling you the problem is? Does she know why she is so miserable? Unfortunately there are not too many outlets I can turn to. Since my insurance is not covering her sessions it's making things more difficult to manage financially. She is doing talk therapy, but judging by the session I went to, this looks to be a multi-year process. Her doctor has her on a pair of drugs, but they seem to wax and wane in mild effectiveness. Perfect example, she has been on the same level of medication for a few weeks now, but she has been sleeping since 4pm and it's now 8pm. If she was not sleeping, most likely she would be shut in our bedroom with the door closed. She is unsure why she is so stressed, so dysfunctional right now, which is why she went to a shrink in the first place. I am sure this is the accumulation of years of stress and issues she has dealt with since she was 12-13. So we are talking a coupe decades of issues to work through. Its just getting more stressful for me. Managing work, the kids, my marriage. Being this rock for the 12 years we have been together just really taking it's toll. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted August 29, 2011 Author Share Posted August 29, 2011 Anyone with some insight? Link to post Share on other sites
Woman In Blue Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Well, this isn't going to be a popular post, but after reading this thread, my impression is that you have a huge anvil hanging around your neck and the weight of it just keeps getting heavier. This woman is a huge psychological mess and is dragging everyone down into the pit with her. She can't drive, she can't raise her own kids, she sleeps all day, she cheated on you, she doesn't have the capacity to do anything without panicking, and hell, she can't even cook a lousy dinner for you. I suppose you locked yourself into this rotten deal when you promised for "better or worse" and then had kids with her (that pretty much put the last nail in your coffin doing that). I can't imagine agreeing to have kids with someone this miserable and unstable, but you made the choice to do so, so that drastically narrowed your options to end your misery and get out. Quite honestly, I don't think there's a judge in the land that would spend 10 minutes with this woman and not see her condition, and award you full custody. Life is too short to be this miserable. Link to post Share on other sites
GorillaTheater Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 I'm with WIB on this; divorce is the option I'd likely pursue. Objectively, you have plenty of reason to go that route. It may well be messy, divorces generally are. So, if your looking for "permission", you've got it. I don't think anyone could reasonably fault you for divorcing your wife. But this is your call. Is divorce even an option for you? If not, your best bet may be individual counseling to make sure your coping skills are as good as they can be because as another poster noted, there's absolutely nothing you can do to get your wife to a healthy place. That responsibility is hers alone. Link to post Share on other sites
lost in a dream Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 ive never been in the situation you are facing but i watched my parents go through it my father is bipolar an when he started his meds he slept for hours at a time sometimes we still have trouble getting him up. the medication didnt really start working until 8 months an he has his ups an downs still my mother worked so hard on trying to fix him but she soon realized theres nothing to fix give the meds sometime an give her sometime to adjust to them herself i know its very hard to watch the person you love suffer just be there for her every step of the way... Link to post Share on other sites
StoneCold Posted August 29, 2011 Share Posted August 29, 2011 Well there are always two sides to a story but based on what you are saying...you're wife is utterly useless. Its nice and all that you are trying to be "understanding" but you gotta look out for your own best interests because clearly nobody else will do this for you; this may involve divorce...it may not..but you have to sit down and ask yourself: A) "is this relationship helping or hindering?"...then B) "What is it that I want for myself and my kids.....whats missing?"..then C) "can it be/is it worth being saved?"..then D) "do I care to save it anyways?"...and lastly E) "if I choose to stay how do I fix it....or ....If I choose to go...how do I get outta dodge". You should be able to find the answers you are looking for with some self reflection. This selfless thing you are doing may very well leave you on the losing end. Link to post Share on other sites
Author QuestionLove73 Posted December 5, 2011 Author Share Posted December 5, 2011 So some updates to my situation. My wife took another long trip up to NY (7 weeks worth) and since her return she has made the proclamation that she wants to move back to NY. She attributes part of her depression, anxiety, and unhappiness lies in the fact that she is not in her hometown, where her only friends really are at, where her family is at (which is a double edged sword in and of itself). She has also made the comment that it is now my choice if I want to go back with her to NY State, putting the own-nees of her choices on me. This puts a huge burden on me as the sole money maker in a tight bind. If I could even find a local job in that area, I would take a 40-60% paycut or I could come close to what I make heading towards the city, but at the cost of a 4+ hour daily commute! In addition she has decided because of her self-image issues she is going to get "the sleeve", a bariatric surgery procedure that should let her lose significant weight. I am a bit surprised her shrink has approved of the surgery given her current state of depression, but it's out of my hands. IMO if she was actually committed to a lifestyle change she would already be losing weight (she has done this before) but she has not stuck to it. She now thinks that the surgery will defacto force her to change. I am just unsure what to do with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Kivu Posted December 12, 2011 Share Posted December 12, 2011 I'm responding because you seem to sincerely want someone to respond to you. But listen - you've got some responses before this and you haven't responded to them in any way. So I'm responding to you with the expectation that you will read this in good faith and really consider what I'm saying. This is absolutely the perfect time to easily, calmly, and even friend-ily part with your wife. She wants to move out. Let her. Tell her you've got a job here, and you support her moving back with her family. You want her to be happy, don't you. Tell her that it will be good for your relationship - it's the best way to start over, to go back to how it was in the beginning. You will send her money, and see her on the weekends. Once she's gone, build a life without her, and gradually stop paying her any attention (while still seeing the kids! Hopefully you can get custody...). She'll probably want a divorce in a few months, after she finds another guy. Then she's no longer your problem. Or you can move to her town where you know no one, get a crappy job, and be stuck with her for the rest of your life. I know what I'd pick. Link to post Share on other sites
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