Why, why, why is he doing this?

[Steen719]

OMG...someone please help me understand this. Maybe some of you men can answer this. If you do not know my story, I'll make this as short as I can. H had affair in 1997, son was 7 years old. He had reconnected with an old girlfriend and off they went. I was devastated and then started feeling better. I told him to take off, I was keeping the house until my son was grown and he could go for it with OW. He changed his mind; I'll never do this again, etc. I stayed. Things were OK; I can't say they were wonderful, but there were good times. I love my son, wanted him to have his dad and I think for that reason, I made a good decision.

 

Forward 2009; H got sick from treatment for hep C and ended up with staph infection that nearly killed him. I took care of him through this year and 3 hospitalizations; one of those hospitalizations, my brother died and I had to get his family to come while I flew home for a few days and then I came back and continued caring for him. He got approved for a liver transplant and he and I moved to another city so he would be eligible for the liver. We then had those bills in addition to our home and he couldn't work; home equity and medical bills. He is doing better, well, even. He has had problems with impotency d/t meds, but we did try and he was not able to the last time. I have no hormones d/t hysterectomy and honestly, although I still like sex, I don't want it like I did when I was 30. We are back at this hospital for a week of outpatient visits. It has been miserable. Prior to coming here, I looked through phone records and he was calling an old "friend"; she was asking medical ?s. He is a nurse. Then he lied when I asked him if he had called her again. Says it is because i am paranoid....I am. He is on facebook for hours at a time. I know the gun and people analogy...that's OK, I hate the guns and the people and facebook. He then told me "I love you, I am not in love with you". Well, I have been down this road before. Since we have been here, I have found him outside, talking on his phone to yet another "friend", a woman, of course. He has been on facebook constantly, is alternately nice and blaming me for everything under the sun...hell, I may be responsible for global warming; I'm not sure. Today, the Dr. changed his meds and although this will take a while to work, he has asked me to have sex with him no less than 20 times today. I don't even know if he can. I have said all 20 times, "listen to me...why would I have sex with someone who has told me that he is not in love with me? I mean, you might not have had sex a lot in the last couple of years, but dear God, doesn't the fact that I have cared for you and tried to keep you alive count for something? Telling your spouse you are not in love with her is VERY hurtful". 22 years married in July. Ups and downs and all arounds with this freaking man. I want to kill him.

 

WHAT IS GOING ON? I mean, I am so angry, I can hardly see straight to type this. Please, give me your guess as to why he is doing this. Is he trying to manipulate me? He knows I am thinking I might have to leave him..I can not live in chaos. He is 57 years old. He says he wants us to work on this, but when I tell him, well sex will come when I think you might actually 1.) not be doing anything (EA) with others and 2.) when I think you might actually be in love with your wife. HELP ME

[Mz. Pixie]

Did he get the liver yet?

 

I think it may have something to do with facing death. Does that make sense?

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Steen719]

Did he get the liver yet?

 

I think it may have something to do with facing death. Does that make sense?

 

I am so sorry you are going through this.

 

He got it a year ago this month. I don't know if it is facing death or not, but it is bizarre behavior, I think. Just bizarre, I don't know what is wrong with him, but this is certainly not the way to make someone want to be with you. Thanks for answering.

[Mz. Pixie]

Sweetie- he is not trying to make you want to be with him. Sounds like he's not interested.

[Soxfaninfl]

You should not have sex with him! Like you said, he is not in love you. I would try marriage counseling if you want to try to save your marriage. I was by my wife's side through all of her medical issues. She doesn't love me anymore and is divorcing me, so I feel your pain!

[Steen719]

Sweetie- he is not trying to make you want to be with him. Sounds like he's not interested.

 

Then, why in the world would he keep asking for sex if he did not want it??? I think he has gone off the deep end. I also think it is a way to be able to say it is my fault, you know, because I won't have sex with him. I am home now, thank you Lord. I can get away from him some and not be in one room all of the time. He may have to have more surgery...I don't know what in the world is happening here....thanks for answering. I need some rest.

[Steen719]

You should not have sex with him! Like you said, he is not in love you. I would try marriage counseling if you want to try to save your marriage. I was by my wife's side through all of her medical issues. She doesn't love me anymore and is divorcing me, so I feel your pain!

 

Hey Sox, I am sorry. It feels like crap, right? Yesterday, H said you need to really think about this. I don't think you want to leave me...we are just having a rough patch...I am not doing anything, not seeing anyone, etc. SO, I said...I will go to marriage counseling if you want to. Noooooo, he does not want to. I may go for counseling alone, though. My friends and family are just on my side...they love me which is good, but not really giving me other perspectives. My brother is a very reasonable person trying to look at other sides, however, and told me today not to argue with H because if you do enough, you go in circles and before you know it, your last word is the exact opposite of the stance you first took. I had to laugh at that, because it is so true. I have done that before.

 

I hope you feel better. Do you have kids?

[carhill]

Pretty simple- 57, life altering event, impotency, life in chaos, feels out of control, overwhelmed.

 

Not your problem. I think it's about time for him to go. He can enjoy being single. It'll probably be healthier for both of you. You stood by him through a lot. Good on ya for that.

[Steen719]

Pretty simple- 57, life altering event, impotency, life in chaos, feels out of control, overwhelmed.

 

Not your problem. I think it's about time for him to go. He can enjoy being single. It'll probably be healthier for both of you. You stood by him through a lot. Good on ya for that.

 

Thank you. He needs counseling, I think, whether it helps keep this marriage together or not.

[dangerstranger]

He's the one with the bad behaviour, you're the one putting up with his bad behaviour. You could leave this behind you- but you choose not to.

 

He's had an affiar, he's heading down that road again, he doesn't appreciate anything you do for him. He treats you like crap.

 

You've given up everything for him, you've supported him, and you continue to sit by while he ignores you and chats with other women on facebook.

 

If you truly want a better life, you have to create it for yourself.

[carhill]

Thank you. He needs counseling, I think, whether it helps keep this marriage together or not.

Having had counseling, and appreciating the effects of it, I can offer that, unless he *wants* professional help and is *open* to the process, it will be a waste of time and money. The client drives the process. After this many years, I think you have a good handle on how he would feel about counseling. If not, ask. Clarity is a good thing

[Soxfaninfl]

Hey Sox, I am sorry. It feels like crap, right? Yesterday, H said you need to really think about this. I don't think you want to leave me...we are just having a rough patch...I am not doing anything, not seeing anyone, etc. SO, I said...I will go to marriage counseling if you want to. Noooooo, he does not want to. I may go for counseling alone, though. My friends and family are just on my side...they love me which is good, but not really giving me other perspectives. My brother is a very reasonable person trying to look at other sides, however, and told me today not to argue with H because if you do enough, you go in circles and before you know it, your last word is the exact opposite of the stance you first took. I had to laugh at that, because it is so true. I have done that before.

 

I hope you feel better. Do you have kids?

 

Yes, it does feel like crap! She was the love of my life. Thank you for the well wishes. Yes, we have a 7 year old son. He had to hug me today because I broke down crying.

[Steen719]

Yes, it does feel like crap! She was the love of my life. Thank you for the well wishes. Yes, we have a 7 year old son. He had to hug me today because I broke down crying.

 

Oh Sox, I'm sorry. It really is so hard and it is so hard when kids are involved. My son was 7 when H was going to leave years ago. I remember how hard that was. Hugs to you.

 

So, today, I am sitting here in the living room working on the computer (I teach online) and H is in the library, which is where he stays all of the time on facebook. Today, he has been on since 7am with a short break for a nap and the following. (The configuration is living room, through the kitchen, past the library to the bathrooms and bedrooms...so you have to go by the library to go anywhere in the back and the library has no door.) The library opening is maybe 20' from me. I decided to get my golden retriever to come in and sit with me and I went to the door and there H was, watching a porn film (quite a nasty one) and masturbating. I was dumbfounded, really. Am I wrong or is this really disrespectful to me? Holy Sh**, I was really just floored. I came back and sat here for a minute and the power blipped off for a second and he yelled from the other room "what happened?" After a couple of minutes, I got my keys and went and sat at a ball field and called a friend and my s-i-l. Now, they do not think I am crazy, but I could not get my brother who is sailing today. I think he will tell me that I am not crazy, either, but I don't know. I do not call male friends, so I did not do that. I came back and took some tomatoes to my neighbor and talked to her about the attorney who I am calling this week. When I got back, he said a few things to me (about hotdogs he cooked,etc.) and then asked me what was with my attitude? Really????? I am sitting in working to keep us out of debt and you are whacking off 20 feet from me and know I could come by at any time???

 

I am moving forward to work towards a resolution. I'll call the attorney this week, my neighbor thinks I can rent a small house near where her son lives and I am working on myself to maintain some sanity.

 

Lest you think I am a prude, I know many men are into porn and really, if he waited until I went to bed, I would never know it and would not feel so disrespected.

 

Working proves hard when I am feeling so nuts, but I am glad I have the work and I guess it can be a distraction.

 

Having had counseling, and appreciating the effects of it, I can offer that, unless he *wants* professional help and is *open* to the process, it will be a waste of time and money. The client drives the process. After this many years, I think you have a good handle on how he would feel about counseling. If not, ask. Clarity is a good thing

 

Carhill, he is not interested in counseling. Sadly, he has no insight into any of his problems and believes that I am creating the problems, so no counseling for him.

 

Danger, I know what you are saying. I am actually moving towards a resolution and trying to create a better life for myself. I can understand that you think I am not, but I have to resolve this in a way that does not hurt me. I don't have much and I need to protect what I do have. I cannot just pick up and sell the house; we have to do work on it first, which he says he will do over the month I am gone. I am not willing to be someone I am not to make a point to him. I will do this the right way and when I am finished with it, I will have made decisions that I won't regret. I am who I am and the way he treats me and his disrespect for me is not going to make me like him. I am moving forward. My first post here was just about 2 weeks ago, so I have not really had a lot of time to process all of this.

 

Thank you for reading.

[Soxfaninfl]

Steen, what he was doing was disrespectful. If your going to do what he did, he should do it in privacy, so you would not know what he is doing. You deserve better! I would divorce him. I would suggest getting a counselor too. It has helped me tremendously.

[Steen719]

Thanks, Sox. It is a good thing to get a man's opinion. I just talked to my brother who said H needs counseling in a big way and thought this behavior was bizarre, but H sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He is nuts, and as Carhill says "Pretty simple- 57, life altering event, impotency, life in chaos, feels out of control, overwhelmed."

I have taken him more than once to the water hole and I can't make this old horse drink and I am frankly tired of trying. I think he needs to find another watering hole. Maybe it will be filled with some insight for him. Jeez! I am feeling a little overwhelmed myself!

 

Another issue I can see is that he is talking to friends that he has not seen in 30 years, but not with his best friend about this. Perhaps he has a tiny, tiny bit of insight and that is why?

[Soxfaninfl]

Thanks, Sox. It is a good thing to get a man's opinion. I just talked to my brother who said H needs counseling in a big way and thought this behavior was bizarre, but H sees nothing wrong with his behavior. He is nuts, and as Carhill says "Pretty simple- 57, life altering event, impotency, life in chaos, feels out of control, overwhelmed."

I have taken him more than once to the water hole and I can't make this old horse drink and I am frankly tired of trying. I think he needs to find another watering hole. Maybe it will be filled with some insight for him. Jeez! I am feeling a little overwhelmed myself!

 

Another issue I can see is that he is talking to friends that he has not seen in 30 years, but not with his best friend about this. Perhaps he has a tiny, tiny bit of insight and that is why?

 

Yes your husband needs counseling that is for sure, but has to want it. My stbxw is the same way. She wouldn't give counseling a chance.

[Lionblade]

Steen, what he was doing was disrespectful. If your going to do what he did, he should do it in privacy, so you would not know what he is doing. You deserve better! I would divorce him. I would suggest getting a counselor too. It has helped me tremendously.

 

I know their issues run much deeper but she doesn't give him sex (and hasn't for years by her own admission) and finds it unacceptable for him to masturbate?

[Steen719]

I know their issues run much deeper but she doesn't give him sex (and hasn't for years by her own admission) and finds it unacceptable for him to masturbate?

 

No, he has been sick and on meds for a couple of years. I did try and he was successful once (about 3 months ago), and could not do it after that (just a couple of months ago when we tried) and then by his own admission, could not and was not interested until this recent bout of asking incessantly. I had a hysterectomy at 49 because he gave me genital warts which led to several bad paps and as I had a total hysterectomy, it took away all of those hormones. I understand that I have some responsibility for not wanting it as much, but I have not been the only one who did not. His was from meds and illness. This recent bout of obsession with it is new and really different for him and to me as indicative of addiction as him being on facebook yesterday from 7am to after midnight when I went to bed.

 

I don't care if he masturbates; I am not naive and think this does not happen. I felt it was not really appropriate to do while I am sitting here in the next room working my ass off to keep us out of bankruptcy.

 

I will be 60 in July and I have damn well tried to make this man happy. If you have a woman at 60 who wants you all of the time, then I suggest you do all that you can do to keep her happy, because I can tell you from my conversations with friends my age, that is not the norm for a woman. They are in happy marriages, too, so don't go blaming that for it.

[Soxfaninfl]

I know their issues run much deeper but she doesn't give him sex (and hasn't for years by her own admission) and finds it unacceptable for him to masturbate?

 

My stbx and I haven't had sex over a year due to separation and a up coming divorce(I moved back in March of 2011), I have never blantenly masturbated watching porn with her in the next room even when things were good. I would only do it late at night after she has gone to bed(after she had turned me down for sex)in our spare room with the door locked and the volume super low. I would have felt embarrass if she would have caught me.

Edited June 12, 2011 by Soxfaninfl

[Steen719]

My stbx and I haven't had sex over a year due to separation and a up coming divorce(I moved back in March of 2011), I have never blantenly masturbated watching porn with her in the next room even when things were good. I would only do it late at night after she has gone to bed(after she had turned me down for sex)in our spare room with the door locked and the volume super low. I would have felt embarrass if she would have caught me.

 

Thank you, Sox. I appreciate the response. It's hard to explain what serious medical issues do to the other person.

Edited June 12, 2011 by Steen719

[Soxfaninfl]

Thank you, Sox. I appreciate the response. It's hard to explain what serious medical issues do to the other person.

 

Steen, you need to get away from this guy. He is not good for you! He has cheated on you, and given you a STD. He also doesn't appreciate all the good things that you have done for him.

[Eddie Edirol]

He knows what he is doing, its all deliberate. He doesnt need councelling. Nothing he is doing is bizarre. He just wants sex from you and thats it. he prolly thinks that you would give it to him to make the marriage work, while he knows that he is on his way out. But you threw him for a loop when you said no and youre not falling for it. He's a fool for asking you for sex after telling you hes not in love with you anymore.

 

Look at it this way. He's probably on facebook and the phone alot because he is desperately trying to set things up with other women and hes failing. That could be why he is asking you for it incessantly.

[Steen719]

He knows what he is doing, its all deliberate. He doesnt need councelling. Nothing he is doing is bizarre. He just wants sex from you and thats it. he prolly thinks that you would give it to him to make the marriage work, while he knows that he is on his way out. But you threw him for a loop when you said no and youre not falling for it. He's a fool for asking you for sex after telling you hes not in love with you anymore.

 

Look at it this way. He's probably on facebook and the phone alot because he is desperately trying to set things up with other women and hes failing. That could be why he is asking you for it incessantly.

 

Hey Eddie...I did think he might be trying to "get ready" by changing meds in order to try out his new works while I am gone for one month. He was on facebook for 17 hours yesterday and 8 hours today before he left to go watch a friend's band play. He did not ask me to go...but I was just glad he was off of facebook. Thanks, Eddie.

[Steen719]

Steen, you need to get away from this guy. He is not good for you! He has cheated on you, and given you a STD. He also doesn't appreciate all the good things that you have done for him.

 

Yeah, that time is coming. I have to get my duckies in a row. It has been such a couple of hard years, particularly losing my brother while H was in the hospital. I am tired..I know you probably understand.

[Soxfaninfl]

Steen, I do understand. I am also very tired of my situation. I need to heal and move on with my life also. I want my divorce to over with already and my house to sell as soon as possible. Living under the same roof is preventing me from healing.