Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 I keep trying to forgive myself but its just not working. Its like deep down I just think "Who am I kidding, I'm guilty as sin!" Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 Yeah.. Failed again. I just... I'm going crazy I guess. Maybe what I'm waiting for is the men in white coats to take me away. To be honest the moment I fell out with my ex and I thought it might be over I saw that as my only possible future. And I struggle on, but really that is how I see my future. Me tied to a chair in a circle with a load of other crazy types mumbling about how I feel before some nurse shoves 40 types of mood stabilizing tablets down my throat. I tend to feel the same way every night that I'm awake between approximatively 3.30am to 5am. You definitively need to work on your mumbling though, because you definitely sound too articulate to me to fit that picture just yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 By the way, I spent a couple of months in a mental hospital when I was 18. It was boring. Don't believe the hype. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzICLz5d8E4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 By the way, I spent a couple of months in a mental hospital when I was 18. It was boring. Don't believe the hype. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DzICLz5d8E4 Hehe.. Cool. I've never seen that film. Is it any good? Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 11, 2011 Share Posted June 11, 2011 It's personally one of my favorites, but I'm cheesy like that ^^ I love Angelina Jolie in this picture, I would link to more scenes with her but I wouldn't want to spoil the whole thing for you ^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 (edited) It's personally one of my favorites, but I'm cheesy like that ^^ I love Angelina Jolie in this picture, I would link to more scenes with her but I wouldn't want to spoil the whole thing for you ^^ Ok will have to watch it then! I suppose being in a real mental hospital is a lot more boring as you say? Can't really imagine what it would be like. But sometimes I really fear I'm heading that way. It was suggested by my doctor and I've had psychotherapists come to my house to check on me everyday for the past few days because I've been in such a state. I can imagine it must be a scary place to be? Edited June 11, 2011 by RuinedLife Link to post Share on other sites
Author RuinedLife Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 Having a pretty rough time tonight. My memories of my ex are just so intense At random moments throughout the day when my memories and thoughts of him get so intense I just say to my self "Oh my God I love my ex bf so so much"... And I'm always thinking about him. No matter what I'm doing. And that really isn't an exaggeration. I wish it was. I'm just so lost without him He was my best friend and my lover. What am I going to do without him? There is just nothingness ahead without him in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 (edited) Ok will have to watch it then! I suppose being in a real mental hospital is a lot more boring as you say? Can't really imagine what it would be like. But sometimes I really fear I'm heading that way. It was suggested by my doctor and I've had psychotherapists come to my house to check on me everyday for the past few days because I've been in such a state. I can imagine it must be a scary place to be? lol, like I said it's not all that it's cracked up to be ^^ And the overall thing about it is really, lots and lots of BOREDOM. I don't think anybody is ever "headed that way", especially the people that ponder and worry about whether maybe they're headed that way. The few people you might say who really are headed that way are out making bubbles with their saliva as we speak. They're not sitting at home writing on a message board. If you get my drift. Of course, it all depends on what you're talking about. I have a feeling that you're making a picture in your mind of "ending up there", dragged by men in white, basically having gone insane with pain and never being able to go back to "normal". Like in those fifties movies, right? But like I said, in real life, I don't think that happens to people like you and I. We just wish it did sometimes, because it seems like a final way out of trying to cope with our pain. It's like what they say about a broken heart : you don't die of it, you just wish you did. On the other hand, spending time in a mental institution for a period of time, because of heavy depression, eating disorders or whatnot, happens to a lot of people. Still some nasty stuff happens there. They do give you lots of meds (to each his own but I hate meds), you do get to witness people who are far worse off than yourself and it is kinda scary (and reassuring at the same time, lol). But overall, once again, it's mostly boring. The video link I posted really shows you what it's like. Most of the day they're just sitting there waiting for time to pass. Boring, sad, a little creepy and then more boring. Also fun at times because mental institutions are boring but mental people are not, lol. And there is a sense of camaraderie and "we're all in there together" that develops between inmates. Do check the movie out if you're curious because I think it portrays all of that really well. But don't make any of it your life plan because really. dull. Oh and by the way, about your doctors' idea to spend some time there, I would only advise it you feel like you're a serious threat to yourself (having suicidal impulses and not being able to control them), or being left on your own, unable to tend to your basic needs like fixing your food etc. But from what I've read from you, it doesn't seem like those apply to you. The book "Girl, Interrupted" by Susanna Kaysen is a good read too. Edited June 12, 2011 by Karala Link to post Share on other sites
Author RuinedLife Posted June 12, 2011 Author Share Posted June 12, 2011 Firstly thanks for the long description Oh and by the way, about your doctors' idea to spend some time there, I would only advise it you feel like you're a serious threat to yourself (having suicidal impulses and not being able to control them), or being left on your own, unable to tend to your basic needs like fixing your food etc. But from what I've read from you, it doesn't seem like those apply to you. I do have suicidal thoughts but I haven't acted on them and like to think I never would, but sometimes the despair is so bad I do worry. But I have my family around me. Also I probably would be much worse off if they weren't here to make me food etc. I've lost a lot of weight since my break up and I was already underweight because of my illness. I thought I was getting a bit better yesterday. But last night I had a really bad despairing episode and my memories of my ex are just so intense all the time. I read others stories on here and I picture my ex constantly while reading, I listen to music and I picture my ex constantly, I watch TV shows and I think about my ex constantly. I just want to get him out of my head. I've tried youtube hypnosis videos to try and alter my thinking, detach from my ex and become more motivated to do things, but so far its not working. I'm just stuck in the endless void of despair it seems. Just longing for my ex who has likely long since moved on, barely thinking about me. Maybe he's even got a new girlfriend. The mere thought cuts at my soul. Don't get me wrong I want him to feel happy and I know he deserves better than me, but it just adds to my feeling of worthlessness. Link to post Share on other sites
Karala Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Maybe you just need to feel the pain for now, maybe some things need to be revealed to you through it, and that's why your attempts to numb it away are not so successful. If that's the case, there's no advice to give you except to be strong for as long as it lasts, and to remember that it won't last forever. By the way, suicidal thoughts are one thing (I have them too and I guess a lot of people on this board have had them from time to time) but they're very different from suicidal impulses. Don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean I think your pain is not that serious. Just means you're still probably more of a sane person than you may think you are, lol ^^ Take care of yourself, and let's keep up the rambling about our breakups to death, lol! Link to post Share on other sites
Badenov Posted June 12, 2011 Share Posted June 12, 2011 Basically my insecurities caused me to seek reassurance and when my ex accused me of being too insecure (fare enough) after seeking this assurance and refused to consider my feelings in future decisions, I got angry and sent an impulsive message telling him that things wouldn't work between us if he couldn't understand how I felt. Well, needless to say, he couldn't understand, he doesn't understand and he's had enough of me and my issues. There is blame on both sides due to poor communication for sure, but the blame mainly rests at my feet as it was my poor attempts at communication that triggered the break up. I think you're blaming yourself too much. He used your insecurities to bail on you guilt-free. It sounds like he was just waiting for an excuse, and no matter what you did, he would've found one. He may not have understood your feelings, but he should've at least respect them. Quit beating yourself up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RuinedLife Posted July 1, 2011 Author Share Posted July 1, 2011 Ok, so I haven't posted in this thread for awhile, but my pain continues. And its because I have yet to accept my break up in its entirety, still hoping for my ex to change his mind, and still blaming myself solely for the relationship's demise. I've cried so much you wouldn't think it would be possible for me to cry anymore. Or at least thats what my parents keep telling me. But apparently it is possible because I continue to cry in despair mode for way longer than I should. I'm just venting I guess guys. I'm reading so many self help books etc, and I try desperately to distract myself with other things, but I still love my ex immensely and live in a delusional world where everything could go back to how it was. I don't know where these never ending floods are taking me, but its no where good. Link to post Share on other sites
IFDDS Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Heey, sorry to hear your'e having such a hard time with this:( I just want to say that I can relate to the whole guilt thing. I had a fling with this girl some half a year ago. It was quite a lot of yo-yoing back and forth, with her not being sure about what she wants ( "I like you, but I don't know what I want, but I don't want you to be with anyone else ) and me becoming frustrated with the whole case. So with the get-around going on for 'round 3 weeks, quite many on-offs, things started to cool down and we were supposed to meet up after some intense exams. But then something happened. I lost all feelings for her: I felt totally numb towards her. No spark. No intense feelings. Nothing. Zero. Cold. I was very struck. How can that happen? I was so crazy about her the weekend before, and after the weekend nothing. I tried calming down for 2 weeks, but the feelings wouldn't come back. I knew I liked her, but somehow I had been so stressed that I just couldn't feel anything at the moment, and I don't know why. I knew it wasn't normal, but what could I do. So I told her: I don't think I like you anymore, I can't fool myself and maybe it's better that we are friends etc. And that is when I felt like I killed anything and everything for good. All my feelings came back a few days later once I had lost her, beacuse you want what you can't have. We didn't get together anymore. I really tried getting her back, but no good. I really really felt like I ruined everything and blamed myself many months for it all. But I realized eventually that it wasn't just me. It was her fault too, she didn't know what she wanted to begin with. Love ain't so easy always, it doesn't go as in the movies. It can become very messed up bull**** sometimes. But **** happens. It just isn't easy all the time. My case isn't nearly as serious as yours, but it maybe has some same traits with the whole guilt thing, where you feel like you messed up everything for good: really killed the whole loving feeling. I tried to imagine how she felt when hearing my words, and that made me really flinch. It just probably didn't sound nice:/ Feeling much better now, just going with the groove. I stopped blaming myself for everything, because it's not only your fault. It always takes two to ruin something. Hope you feel better soon! Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted July 4, 2011 Share Posted July 4, 2011 Hi Ruined I can relate to your posts. Like you my ex also blamed the whole thing on me too. He needed an excuse and would've blamed me no matter what happened. Your ex isn't blameless in this. My ex has never been the dumpee, so he doesn't remotely understand what its like. I was also seriously depressed after the breakup. But you get sick and tired of it and want to move forward. Link to post Share on other sites
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