Where do I go from here??

[wecancope]

Well it’s happened again . She is thinking of leaving me. The story goes like this. I phoned her best friend yesterday just to see what she was up to and how she was. The conversation started normally, until she asked me how things were with me and Julie (my girlfriend). So we talked about our relationship, how I feel I’ve improved as a person and that I've made great progress regarding my jealousy. It was not bitching about my girlfriend, it was just casual talk about the way I was feeling. Talked allot about the things that had happened in the past, you know, about the people I was jealous of and the people I wasn’t jealous. We talked about how Julie told me there was nobody else during our time apart and how proud of her that she did tell me that she was quite flirty and that some guy did try to kiss her but how she pushed him away. Yes I am proud of her, cause she could have easily told me that there was absolutely nothing. I do believe her…..

 

But today was like any other day to me. Woke up to a text message from my girlfriend, telling me what she is up to and how much she loves me. Then another text message to say that she is about to study, but I can phone her anytime. So an hour or so later I did phone her , and the first thing she said to me is that “we need to talk”. And it turns out that Julie had spoken to her best friend, and her best friend told Julie that I was trying to find out from her whether Julie had been with someone during our time apart. She was/is angry and that she thinks we need to split up and that’s what I mean by it’s happened again.

 

So I don’t know what is happening now…………..I’m in a slight state of confusion. My reaction to all of this was first of all disbelief . Apparently I can’t get over certain issues, I’m adding extra pressure on her and that she is feeling different towards me, even so she does love me, but she doesn’t know whether this relationship is going anywhere.

 

I did cry, cause it’s not what I want, this split up, but then all I could say to her is “well if you are 100% sure of splitting up then do it now, and this will be our last conversation we’ll ever have. I’m not a toy to be played around with, but a human being with emotions!” She couldn’t tell me on the spot what she wanted, so I told her to go away and think about what she really wants.

 

How do I feel now? I feel like ****! I understand the pressure she is under at the moment, I understand that she is extremely angry as she might feel as though she has been stabbed in the back. I don’t know. Maybe it goes deeper than that. She says she loves me, yet she is thinking of splitting up with me. I don’t know yet, as she hasn’t got back to me with her decision, that is if she does get back to me.

 

Maybe I am preparing myself for the worst, it’s the best way to cope I suppose. Maybe she’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a positive decision, but somehow I don’t think she will. Who knows!!!!

 

I can’t believe I’m sat here again , putting my thoughts down to paper, like I was doing back in November. What am I doing here, where am I going, why do I feel so god damn lonely. There’s only so much friends and family can tolerate of my problems. Everybody has got a threshold to how much they can hear about certain topics……I really don’t want to lose her, I really don’t. Why do I feel that way about someone that can treat me this way. I keep telling everyone that I’m so emotionally attached to her, and there is nothing I can do about that. I wish I could turn around and tell her “fine, go then!” and just move on with my life.

 

I made the mistake of rearranging my life around Julie, but that’s not her fault. It was my decision to do so! All I’m doing right now is praying to god that this is just one big misunderstanding , that she does realise she does love me and that nothing else matters. I’m not that stupid! I know that there is no point in a relationship if she does not love me. But as far as I’m aware she does. There are only certain things I can improve (not change) to make things work out, such as my jealousy, which has improved. But at the end of the day, she has to accept me as Joe, like I respect her as Julie. Yes, there are certain things that annoy me about her, but I do accept her for who she is.

 

So now, I'm just waiting for a phone call from her, telling me of her decision!!

 

And to who ever might be reading this, we split up back in November for six weeks (LDR for 3.5years). I was in such a horrible state back then, so I turned to this web site for help, and it worked. There are so many wonderful individuals out there!!! So thanks to you all

[Heartfelt]

heh, lesson learned. Never ask her best friend things about her or even talk about how you feel about her, other than to say you love her. As far as jealousy goes, when I was younger, I would worry about things sometimes but nothing too serious. Now I just relax and figure if they're going to do something, then they will do it. No sense in working yourself up over it because it can be an everyday thing if you let it. It takes a while for me to trust someone, but once I do, I don't think about stuff anymore. I have friends who get real jealous over their gf/wives. I tell them it's crazy and to get over themselves. If something is going to happen, then usually there are serious signs. I've seen guys get worked up over little stuff. It's not worth it. A little jealousy is ok, shows the one you're with that you want them to be exclusively yours. But don't go overboard. That will usually turn a girl off.

 

All you can do now is hope she forgives you. Lesson learned, lol (laughing with you, not at you), when it comes to her friends and family, some things are better left unsaid.

[wecancope]

I had to leave the house today. I thought that if I just wondered around town today, I'd manage to keep my mind sane and get my thoughts straight! Cappucino and crosswords usually help, and in a way they did, but under my sunglasses (yes, it was a beautiful sunny day today!) my eyes where flooding.

 

I haven't heard a thing from her today, and that's what I've been trying to figure out: why is she taking so long to make "the" decision? I've been talking so much about the situation to friends and family, and bless them, they try their hardest to give the best advice. Everyone seems to be so angry with her, they tell me that I'm too understanding and why is it she is making all the decisions and not me? Well, I did make a decision.....I chose to be tolerant, as I know that there has been one big misunderstanding. Some say to phone her and some say not to, and to be quite honest I never intended to phone her any way.......I told her to think deeply what she really wants, so I will leave her to do that, she knows where I am!

 

I'm quite emotionally exhausted tonight.

 

You might be asking yourself why I'm writing this post if I've already know what I'm doing. Well, I just feel like writing my thoughts down, trying to figure out why she is making things so complicated! I guess love is a complicated thing to deal with!! I just would like things to be simplified, so I know where I stand and move on with or without her.

[Darkangelism]

no problem with posting ur feelings, it will help.

[wecancope]

I've just realised that I ddn't mention the fact that she was very upset on the phone (crying) and even more so when I told her that if she was to split up with me, then there would be no contact from me what so ever...And I do mean that!

[Darkangelism]

No contact after break up is the best policy.

[wecancope]

Yeah, I know that no contact after break up is the best policy. We haven't broken up yet, I'm just waiting for it.