yes Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 i'm still having trouble imagining loving a person romantically AND companionately... (well, anything to prosrascinate! ). is it really possible to have a joy-based r/s necessary for staying together for LT and having a cozy family... AND have the butterflies, the exciting sex-life, being a lil crazy and irrational abt 'em? somebody convince me! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 17, 2004 Share Posted April 17, 2004 The trick is finding someone that you can manage both with. Not everyone even 'gets' companionate love. Lots of people think romance is the be-all and end-all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 17, 2004 Author Share Posted April 17, 2004 i can imagine a man whom i could have EITHER with... what i can't imagine is having both at the same time! they seem contradictory! i can _kind of_ imagine going from one to the other constantly like a yo-yo, but not actually combining 'em... -yes Link to post Share on other sites
reasontosigh Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Fascinating question. I'm thinking it might be possible for one person to feel both, though not necessarily simultaneously. I think what I have yet to see is a relationship where both parties feel that way about each other, or at least think they do. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Anna Nicole Smith had it, but then he died Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Anything's possible. Dollars to donuts, though, most relationships follow a time line: Intense sex/passion at the beginning when the deep attachments form (the 24/7 "hot sex" phase); 6 months to a year later, the overwhelming passion levels off and begins its long slow (or at least one hopes) decline and companionship bonding replaces rutting as the couple gets down to the serious business of living by making little bundles of protoplasm (ie, babies) (the "family" phase); then, if they're lucky, the companionship devolves to a certain mutual comfort level once the kids move out (the "gray companions" phase). If there's no comfort level, and no one has anything left to say, the marriage is over. Link to post Share on other sites
Samson Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Z: Sounds like you missed Moimeme's website about compassionate vs. romatic "love." Z. You'd really love it (more compassionately than romantically, I would hope). There's a lot that's possible. Much is improbable. Link to post Share on other sites
zarathustra Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Yeah, Samson, I missed that Thread. I was just basing my post on what I've observed in myself and others. Marriage is the long slow dying of the flame. No crime in that. Link to post Share on other sites
AfriendAllie Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I have yet to be with a woman. I am not sure, I guess it just depends on those involved. But hey, it is possible Link to post Share on other sites
gypsygem Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Marriage is the long slow dying of the flame. ...yeah, and it takes a miserably long time for that flame to burn out, while in the meantime, you are trapped in the relationship, with no pleasure or joy anymore... I have about a 1 year relationship span, and then it's time for "Spring Cleaning." With Spring comes newness, excitement, hope, love, passion!!!!!!!! I am an ABSOLUTE romantic, and I don't care what anyone thinks about it...If a man is not romantic, as I am, I am bored immediately by him. Hmmmmmm........must be the gypsy spirit in me [color=darkred]Gypsy............"Those who hear not the music, think the dancers mad." [/color] Link to post Share on other sites
ThisGirlNameKD Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 The trick is finding someone that you can manage both with. Not everyone even 'gets' companionate love. Lots of people think romance is the be-all and end-all. I couldn't have said it better! Companionate love is they way you treat each other as friends, aside from the romantic aspect of the relationship. This is why relationships that started out as friendships and turn into romantic relationships tend to last longer than ones that just started out romantically. True friends understand each others shortcomings, they realize that their friends are not perfect and even when their friend gets on their nerves, they still love them and care for them. Romantic love alone doesn't allow this because it expects a person to pretty much be near perfect to prove that their love is true, and every little thing the person does wrong is attributed to them not loving you or caring about you. I thought the best media portrayal of companionated love was Mad About You. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I thought the best media portrayal of companionated love was Mad About You. Me, too, actually. For a change (in terms of TV shows), the guy wasn't a hapless boob and the gal had her own wierd quirks and idosyncracies but they were devoted and each other's best friend and companion. By contrast, I hate 'Everybody Loves Raymond' where marriages are pitched battles by people who behave badly to each other most of the time. So what if they love each other under it all? In real life, everybody would have divorced by now. What a wretched show. Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 I, for one, found Mad About You mindnumbingly boring, and Everybody Loves Raymond hilarious. Perhaps it's a wretched portrayal, but give me comedic dysfunction over companionate love any day--at least in terms of primetime entertainment. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Spoken like a true 'guy' Link to post Share on other sites
dyermaker Posted April 18, 2004 Share Posted April 18, 2004 Spoken like a true 'guy' Hopefully an entertaining ray ramano, and not an accurate paul reiser. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 18, 2004 Author Share Posted April 18, 2004 Mad About You sounds like it indeed. Thanks for that idea. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I think you can have both...but I see it like this. It takes quite a while to get the companionate love bit happening. Then when you do, the romantic stuff can seem to fade away. BUT you can still have it, within the overall framework of companionate love. Maybe not as much as in the initial romantic phase, but still with enough frequency, depending on the amount of effort you put in. ie...my guy and I have only recently hit the 'companionate love' phase I think. A deepening of love and understanding and comfort. The sparks fly less, but they still fly. Sometimes, on holidays, or even just a relaxing weekend, we are al lhot and passionate and romantic...and it's great...and it exists within the overall framework of compaionate love. Indeed, that framework allows me to be even more unihibited sexually for example. Make sense, yes? Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Indeed, that framework allows me to be even more unihibited sexually for example. Make sense, yes? Absolutely! This is why the best of relationships are freeing, rather than confining. In true companionate love, you feel safe to be yourself fully with the other; you are freed from thinking you have to obey strictures or commands or demands; you understand that you are accepted. Freed from fear and inhibitions, you can express yourself without reservation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 it makes sense to me, except i think having it develop 'later' may be too late - it's dangerous to wait until the cloud of butterflies settles to see if you're companionately-compatible. so, it seems ideal to develop both sides at once - which i believe is do-able but must be difficult (hence this thread!)... somehow being good friends doesn't go with the butterfly-kind of stuff. or perhaps it's possible to see if the companionate side WILL develop early on, but not actually develop it until later, like you say... hm. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 but that liberating kind of love is directly opposite to the frustrations and fears of the romantic kind of love! you can certainly still be sexual and all that, but you won't have that _longing_. hence the conflict of the two. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 I think, yes, that you just can't get too hooked on the butterflies. This all goes way back to the discussions about delusional versus realistic love. Sure, it's lovely to float on the pink cloud and be all dreamy and idealistic about love and life, but reality exists and it doesn't coexist with the pink cloud. Do you know a single soul who is now in that cloud having been in a relationship for any length of time? No, nor will you. It is not sustainable. It's a form of intoxication which is all well and fine for fun, but you can't depend on it. And, really, after a while, it feels cheap and fake. I think it should be treated like a fairground ride; enjoy it while it lasts but know it will not last very long and look forward to your life back on the ground, where you learn about a deeper, much more passionate experience than you get in fluffy cloudland. you won't have that _longing_ You replace longing with belonging. A much better option, if you ask me! Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 you know what... i think i'm just too young for an LTR!! ... i still want to jump around and get my full of butterflies. in a few years I'll come to the conclusion you just posted... and THEN i'll be ready for smth serious. thanks, -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 It's true...you can't get that intense 'longing' feeling once you've been together for quite a while. BUT you can still sometimes long for that person! Or long for their body! I know I long for my guy if I haven't seen him for a while...or if I'm a home and reading or watching something erotic... We create the most open love and sex I have ever experienced. Link to post Share on other sites
Author yes Posted April 19, 2004 Author Share Posted April 19, 2004 sounds awesome, thinkalot! a few more yrs, and i'll want that, too. for now, i'll stick to light fun. there's a middle between promiscuity and taking things too seriously, right? that's where will be at, for a while! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted April 19, 2004 Share Posted April 19, 2004 Cool...enjoy it...cos that stage has plenty of upsides too...I liked being single and dating and experiencing new places and people before I met my guy. I actually could not comprehend the thought of marriage for a LONG time. And yes, what we have is great, but as you know, it does not, and has not, come easy!! We have sh*t times too. Link to post Share on other sites
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