How can they walk away without saying goodbye?

[nowherebound25]

After spending way too much time trolling the internet to find stories of heartbreak that relate to mine, I still have one question that I can't find the answer to.

 

How can someone just walk away from a relationship without even saying goodbye?

 

I'll try to keep my heartbreak story short. The day I met him I was immediately love struck. The only problem was that he was almost 10 years my senior so it just felt like something that would never work so I resisted temptation and settled for just being friends. Fast forward almost to almost a year and a few too many margaritas later and it just happened. It was both wonderful and terrible as I was due to leave for a school on the other side of the country in just a few months. We both agreed that long distance wasn't for us and decided to just enjoy the time we had. After I left we barely communicated but when I came home for the holidays we picked up right where we left off and things were good. I left with thoughts of us finding a way to make the distance work and suddenly found myself falling more for him than I had when we first started dating. Then, just a few weeks later, and only a few weeks before I was due home for another visit, he made a comment on his facebook page that he was in love with someone else.

 

I was devastated that I had to find out something so personal through fb. I didn't blame him for moving on. We'd made our agreement early on that if we found someone new, our relationship was off but here's the thing. This man was my first for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. He knew this and yet he still didn't pull any punches when it came to dumping me. After dropping the bombshell on fb he only kept in contact through email and texts and only to arrange a time for me to pick up my stuff. I made it clear to him that all I wanted to do was say goodbye but he avoided me while I was home and then it was over. During the whole process I did everything I could to end things on a good note. I didn't want to hate him. I even wrote him a letter telling him how grateful I was for our time together and that I wished him all the best but got nothing in return. That was over 3 months ago. So there it is. I gave him everything and he just walked away without even saying goodbye. Granted, I'm still new to all this breakup stuff but will someone please help me understand the thought process behind such behavior? I really just can't wrap my head around how someone could do this to someone they cared about. Even if only briefly.

[ShatteredReality]

He couldn't face you b/c he knew what he'd done to you and couldn't handle actually facing you. It's easier to walk away and not say goodbye sometimes...then you don't have to see the heartache you have caused...you can pretend it's not as bad...he knew he was your first and he knew there would be a connection you'd have to him that would not easily break....this is largely speculation on my part. But it seems logical...

[nowherebound25]

Hmm, I suppose you're right. It's a reason, but it is still far from an excuse.

 

Thanks for your response

[Royal Guy]

ShatteredReality is quite correct. Its about facing. I would say at this that even he feels bad about it but couldn't do anything about it and couldn't handle it ( it = distance relationship ) I suppose thats why he just moved on.

 

The best part I felt ( just felt after reading what you wrote I know your condition might be worst or you might have cried a lot ) is that you handled yourself pretty well when people talk about committing suicide and doing anything to get that person back. Respect.

 

Also trust me him saying goodbye would just make you feel good about the part that now the chapter is over, but won't really help in anything, really. I have been in this distance relationship since quite a few years, we used to meet every single month and one fine day she has to call me up to dump me and move on the very next day and this was when a gap of 2 months turned up in meeting. I repent why did I let that happen, but honestly it wasn't in my control and she was willing to move on and wanted someone who was with him all the time and not 1000 miles away and no matter what I did she would have moved on.

 

As for you please don't try looking for the answer anymore. It will only keep you hanging for nothing.

 

PS. If I said something wrong I am sorry didn't mean to, just giving my 2 cents.

[nowherebound25]

No, you didn't say anything wrong! I appreciate your response.

 

Yeah, I definitely gleaned over the part where I was totally heartbroken for about 2 months haha. As casual as I tried to keep it, somewhere along the way I gave my heart to him without even realizing it. Funny how that works. And I don't mean to downplay the effects of a broken heart. This was my first one and I was caught off guard by the amount of pain I felt but at the same time, it really opened my eyes. Haha it made me realize what a bitch I'd been when my friends were going through break ups b/c I just couldn't relate. I guess what helped me get through it though was keeping things in perspective. People in my life have died and eventually, you do get over that heartache so I knew it was only a matter of time before this pain passed as well. Yes, this person was out of my life for possibly forever but he wasn't dead so I knew logically, the pain couldn't surpass that of losing someone to death.

 

It also helped me to know that even though I may have "loved" this person, it wasn't like the distance was the only problem in our relationship. Things had started to get rocky towards the end and there were signs that told me he wasn't the one. So of course, after he broke up with me he suddenly became the most perfect person in the world to me but I just held on for dear life to that little nugget of knowledge that told me he wasn't the one.

 

I know what you're saying is probably right and I would give anything to be able to move on fully without feeling the need to clear the air between us but it's like a puzzle that's missing it's last piece. All I want to do is end things on a good note so that there's a chance we'll be able to be friends again some day. I know it's too soon to be friends right now but I would at least like to know that there's a chance of our friendship surviving all this. As it stands right now, I don't know if we'll ever even be facebook friends again. It seems like such a waste. :/

Edited June 11, 2011 by nowherebound25

[MissMoni]

Believe me, not being his FB friend is for your healing. I deleted my ex and stupidly re-added him. Haven't checked his profile, but it's the principle! lol. I don't think we will ever fully understand why they could walk away. It kind of goes hand in hand we never know what another person is thinking, even if they tell us they could be trying not to hurt us. I'm in a similar situation where my ex broke up with me over the phone and never attempted to see me ever again. The common thing is to say, "What is wrong with me?" But I guess from their perspective, they are just making a clean break.

[nowherebound25]

Haha the stupid thing is I defriended him the night it all happened but soon realized that he didn't have any of his privacy settings up so I could still see everything. Idiot. Doesn't make a big difference anyways. He's not a big "facebooker". Never makes updates or anything. Haha except to you know, profess his love for another women.

 

I think I've learned that in the end, the people that choose to end a relationship without saying goodbye are cowards. Yes, breaking up with someone face to face will been painful and awkward but it at least displays a level of respect for the person you're breaking up with. Unless the relationship was abusive, I see no reason for people to end a relationship in this manner other than bc of their own cowardice to deal with the situation. Overall, people just need to grow a pair.

 

Also, in case you were wondering, no, the irony is not lost on me that I dated a guy that was almost 10 years my senior and I STILL got dumped in the most high school way possible lol.

[Royal Guy]

Haha the stupid thing is I defriended him the night it all happened but soon realized that he didn't have any of his privacy settings up so I could still see everything. Idiot. Doesn't make a big difference anyways. He's not a big "facebooker". Never makes updates or anything. Haha except to you know, profess his love for another women.

 

I think I've learned that in the end, the people that choose to end a relationship without saying goodbye are cowards. Yes, breaking up with someone face to face will been painful and awkward but it at least displays a level of respect for the person you're breaking up with. Unless the relationship was abusive, I see no reason for people to end a relationship in this manner other than bc of their own cowardice to deal with the situation. Overall, people just need to grow a pair.

 

Also, in case you were wondering, no, the irony is not lost on me that I dated a guy that was almost 10 years my senior and I STILL got dumped in the most high school way possible lol.

 

That reminded me of a point that I forgot to mention in my own thread. I used to visit my gf often and when she was breaking up I begged to her let me come there ( as there were instances where she had tried to do the same and I went to her city, met her and we managed it through ). When I begged she had only one answer don't dare else I won't ever see you, yet I almost planned a visit and told her friend about it as I was looking for a place to stay and she revealed it to her and things got worse. She really abused be bad and I still begged .

 

So YES THEY ARE COWARDS THAT THEY CAN'T FACE US WHEN THEY WANT TO BREAK UP. Although somehow implication of my case is a little different yet they are COWARDS.

[Sugarkane]

I'm conviced that my ex must be a sociopath, after what he did to me. There was other odd things like when his dog died and he remained indifferent. He wasn't upset at all, even though he had the dog over a decade and had grown up with him.

[NicoleM]

Same thing happened to me only I think he left without saying good-bye because I caught him in a lie and he couldn't handle that or it ticked him off whatever who knows he left without ever breaking up with me like a man and just left.