Engaged, but considering breaking it off to pursue an LDR

[lovergirl]

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I have a decision to make: to remain engaged to my fiance (we'll call him "Mr. L) or to pursue a relationship with "Mr. P" (I am 20, Mr. L is 23, and Mr. P will be 25 in May)

 

Now let me give you some more background info so that you can give me some and advice and your opinion on the situation. This is kinda lengthy, but I really need some help, so I'd really appreciate anyone to take the time to read and respond.

 

My fiance and I started dating a few years ago. We jumped right into a relationship without really taking time to get to know each other as friends first. I wasn't really happy in the relationship, but I really wanted a boyfriend and I didn't want to hurt him, so I stayed with him. As time went on, my feelings for him grew, but there never really was that spark or pizazz.

 

At one point before we were engaged, we took a "break" because I was "talking" to another guy: Mr. P. I had a crush on Mr. P a few years prior, but it was one-sided and I never pursued a relationship with him. So when he expressed an interest in me, I was very excited. I still had a crush on him and I really wanted to see if we could get anywhere. (While all this is going on, Mr. L and I remained close and spent a lot of time together.) For a while, things seemed to be going pretty well. I was on cloud nine and ecstatic that this guy who I'd liked for so many years actually liked me too. I started thinking that there was a possibility that he could be the one. Something about being with him just felt right. We weren't really even in a committed relationship. Then one day, he told me that he just wasn't ready for a relationship, but he still wanted to be friends. While Mr. L and I took a break, his family completely turned against me and told him that he shouldn't even see me or talk to me anymore. It was really a hard time. His family was really mean and unreasonable.

 

I was really sad and hurt when Mr. P changed his mind about a relationship with me. For a while, I was bitter and wouldn't even speak to him when I saw him. He shortly thereafter dated this other girl briefly and that made me even more angry. Mr. P went away to Pennsylvania to school last fall (after he and that girl had broken up). That's where he is now. It's about a 90 minute distance between us.

 

As soon as Mr. P had "left" me, Mr. L and I got back together. He has always stuck by me through everything. I know he loves me so much and he'd probably do anything for me. He's put up with a lot of crap. I love him, too. I definitely want him to be in my life forever; he's my best friend. But now, 6 months after getting engaged to Mr. L, my lingering feelings for Mr. P have been rekindled.

 

Mr. P started talking to me again about a month ago. He confessed that he likes me and he acknowledged traits about me that he likes. He know that I'm engaged. But I still like him too; I never really stopped. Currently, and for at least another year, Mr. P and I will have a LDR. But it's only a 90 minute trip between us and we can talk for free on our cell phone and on AIM, which we do regularly. So we are still able to see each other on a rather regular basis. It has felt so good to be talking to him again. I like him so much. He's talking about our future together. I've asked him how things are different now than they were before and he says he's grown up and realized the error of his ways. I believe him, but I'm still hestitant since I was hurt so badly bu him before.

 

I worry that I'm still with Mr. L because it's comfortable and safe and convenient. My great grandmother used to say: "Marry a man who loves you more than you love him." That's definitely the case with me and Mr. L. I do love him, but it's not the feeling that I always imagined and dreamed that I'd have for my future husband.

 

So I really want to see what happens with Mr. P, but I'm afraid that he'll leave me high and dry again and I don't know if I could just get Mr. L back the way that I did last time. I'm not trying to be selfish. I am truly confused and unsure of what I should do. Because Mr. P is away at school, I could potentially postpone making an actual decision for quite a while. But I don't think that's fair to anyone. I don't want anyone to get hurt; including me. And if I do choose Mr. P, I'm afraid of what Mr. L's family will do.

 

I know the grass always looks greener on the other side, so I'm worried that if I choose Mr. P, he'll hurt me again and I'll be left more hurt and alone than ever before.

 

So, should I stick with what I have: a man that loves me more than anything/anyone in the whole world and who would do anything and everything for me?? Or should I go with these feelings that I'm having for Mr. P and hope that it all works out? Is it okay for me to wait a while longer so that I can be sure that whatever decision I make is the right one??

 

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can give me.

[moimeme]

I suggest option C - none of the above. That you can't commit to either man fully is telling. Is it really fair to marry L knowing you're 'settling'? And Mr. P could very well turn out to be as much trouble this time around.

 

I think you need some time alone to get your head on straight. Then start over.

[HevnsFaery]

I've been in your situation and chosen Mr. P ( I think), the risker choice. I've done this mutiple time while Mr. L puts up with me and loves me anyway. I have always gone back to Mr. L, the safe one, the right one, and the good one. But no one else's situation will ever be just like yours. Take some time out for yourself. Maybe discuss your issue with a counseler and see if you can gain any insight into the way you approach relationships. I think, when looking back at my mistakes and choices relationship-wise, I did things on a whim and I didn't really take a step back and look at myself. I think the decision should be more you-centered instead of MR. L or Mr. P-centered. You should never settle, my maybe if you decided to go back to Mr. L once before there is a reason for it, or maybe since you feel you should try Mr. P again, there's a reason for that..... Just step back and breathe and find yourself. I'm your age, and I'm just beginning to be able to see the truth behind some of my actions. If Mr. L is the right one, he will wait. I definately don't think you should get married anytime soon if you are seriously considering dating someone else, even if you decide to stay with Mr. L.

Good Luck

[YoungSuccesful]

Well...I'm 23...I just broke it off with my fiancee' (of 8 months)(26) to pursue an 18 year old...

 

Riskiest thing I've ever done but I dont regret it at all...maybe later I will but right now I know Im to young and not ready for marriage...

 

hope this helps a little

[Kat]

HOw does one enter into a LDR while engaged?