No affection/attention from wife. !

[wezol]

After some serious thinking last night, I realized something. I truly believe she clung on to our marriage because she is afraid of the unknown, afraid of having to figure things out for herself so to speak. I gave her half of July's rent last night (dropped it in the mail box), because I feel it was the right thing to do, with all this going down very shortly before rent is due. From here on out, she will get no more help from me.

 

I did make a boo-boo though, I texted her earlier to tell her it was over (she won't answer my phone calls right now).....I didn't even make the connection at the time that it's her birthday today...I feel like an ass. I apologized and said it can wait until tomorrow.

[wezol]

July 1-I'm feeling much worse about it now than before, I guess it's finally sinking in?

I went by the house yesterday to grab my re-curve, so I could blow some steam. Noticed the book on the table and it book marked 70 pages in, way past the 5th chapter.

 

God how I wish she would of done that sooner...

 

I went and spoke with a pastor at the local Cowboy Church (same man who I had lined up for counseling for us), who is a very non judgmental guy, as I am not the most religious person. He told me to ask myself this question,

 

Would you rather be in a good marriage with your wife, or be on your own. It hit me a little bit, and after thinking about it....right now I feel I would rather be alone, it's extremely hard to admit that to myself. For the last year though, I have felt more alone in this marriage than when I'm actually

alone...

 

 

July 5-Went by the house today while she was at work, to grab my fly rod and go do some fishing. Saw she took down our wedding pictures, and there were beer cans in the front yard (which I never let happen...). She doesn't drink beer...

 

Either way, whether she had a guy over and didn't want to look at the pictures, or for whatever reason. I tried to take it as a good sign that she knows it's over and hopefully won't come crawling back begging.

 

I haven't spoken to her since her birthday, and she hasn't tried to contact me. She did text me the other night, asking if I had a spare set of truck keys to her truck. If I know her, and I think I do...I think she was trying to get me to ask WHY and get me wondering where she was going or where she was leaving, as it was almost midnight. I just responded "no" and didn't say anything else....I hate games (if that's what she was trying to do), and I just don't really care anymore.

 

Canceled internet today, one more thing down and one more step to the future. House is set to move in this time next week. Found out they are going to repaint the interior today and tomorrow which is nice, and I really hope they put hardwood floors in....I can't wait...I hate living in the "middle"....

 

 

July 11-Things are still moving. She is begging and begging for me to try again. I told her that if she doesn't stop, I'm going to start getting angry....and I have a way with words and tones (thank you Army...), and she said she doesn't care that she's going to keep at it. I met her today to sign the title over to the F250...which is a whole nother deal now...

 

While I was on vacation the last 5 days, she got hit and rolled the truck over on it's side. At the time she told me, I told her I was sorry and asked if she was okay and she was (thank you FORD!), and after going through that "I'm glad your okay" thing (which I truly truly am..) I told her not to worry and insurance will cover it. I also mentioned that I could claim whatever was damaged of mine that was still in the truck I could also claim on renters insurance. She got upset and said that all I cared about was my stuff and yada yada...which isn't true at all. Today I saw pictures of the truck, one at the accident scene and the other at the wrecking yard, it was extremely hard to hold my emotions back, I wanted to hug her and hold her....but thought better of it because I didn't want to give her the idea of me wanting to work on our marriage again, it felt like the right move at the time and now I kind of wish I would of hugged her. It hurt me to know she had to go through something like that, and seeing our new 2006 F250 4x4 laying on it's side all beat to hell.

 

Did I do the wrong thing?

 

I'll try and get some pictures of it and put them on here.

 

 

July 12-I'm at a cross road right now. Went out to the truck and got my rifles out of it and she had to come too. We talked for about 2 hours and I was being very cold and kind of a jerk I guess....just very very blunt and acting like I was fine. She kept telling me that she doesn't care if I'm a jerk to her, that she's going to keep trying, and that she knows she F'd up a lot. What caught me off guard though, is when I told her "I came to you many times and said I couldn't be in a marriage like this", and her reply was "I know and I'm so sorry, I F'd up so bad....but you don't have to be in a marriage like that, it won't ever be like that again." Then she asked if when I get moved in, if she could come over and cook me dinner, no strings attached and no staying the night, just cook me dinner and then leave, and I said I'd think about it....

 

I have given a lot of thought to the question the pastor asked me, "would you rather be in a good marriage with your wife, or be on your own."

 

 

July 14-Got moved into my place yesterday, and I moved out all my stuff while she was at work. Boy she was LIVID. She thought I was trying to screw her over and took it personally when I took the bookcase and BluRay player, both of which I paid for. I actually paid for every bit of furniture we had except the dresser, all before we were together. I sat her down and talked to her about it, and agreed to give back the bookcase in exchange for a hutch, but I'm not giving my BluRay player!

 

I explained it to her like this.

 

She got the truck for 13K (took over payments) and it's (or was?) worth 17-18K. She sold the horse I bought her for Christmas out of my personal savings for $600, for $1000. She kept the bed frame and matresses that I paid $550 for, and the washer and dryer, as well as two recliners. She could sell everything and profit $4-$5K. If I sold everything I have, I'd profit maybe $1000. Plus, when I bought our old Dodge, I put down $6,000 out of my own pocket (before we married) and it was selling the Dodge that got us that Ford that she now owns.

 

She came to my new house while I was shopping (which I spend $500 at walmart to stock up on food and household goods that I didn't take from the old house) and WENT INSIDE and started poking around saying how I had this and this and why did I take that, etc etc. I was LIVID. It was after that, that we talked and I told her how I rationalized taking what I took, and we then came to an agreement and worked things out.

 

She's coming over to cook me dinner tonight, and I'm really not looking forward to it at all....when we are together (since we started trying to reconcile) we have fun, but it feels forced and I don't feel that connection anymore. I'm trying hard to think, "if I give it time will it come back, or is this a sign that I'm done"

 

I don't know.

 

I want so much to believe that it will come back, but it truly feels like I'm out of love with her....but I'm not sure yet if that's because of all that's going on, or if it's because I'm truly not in love with her anymore..

 

 

July 14-Well guys, I ended it for good this time before she came over. She did come over anyway and told her exactly how I felt, and I didn't feel in it anymore and I couldn't do it. That I felt like the last time was forced and it was, on my end anyway. Told her I just wasn't in love with her anymore. After that was done things got very calm and we just talked. She didn't put up a fight, which made it easier in a way. We talked about keeping in touch and that'd we'd both like to get to a point where we could go grab lunch every once in a while, and we agreed to work the dogs like you do kids in a divorce...after all they were family to us. She raised boss (my dog) for a long time when I'd get deployed or go to train so I wouldn't keep him from her forever, and we still plan on breeding our two mini Aussies. Over all, I feel better.

 

I could of let it go on, but didn't think it fair to her to string her along if I wasn't into it, would of just made it worse all around. I do still love her and miss her very much. I miss what we did have and miss not having that person to come home to and talk about what we were going to do with our lives.

 

Bummer....

 

 

Today-Update:

 

I let her come over Friday nigh to talk, but only outside, which I'll explain why in a second. We didn't yell, I just she needed more closure so to speak. We talked and were just going around in circles, no yelling or arguing, just talking.

 

She asks to go inside to use the restroom and I let her. Then we sit down at the dining table in the cold AC. Talk a little more and I tell her exactly how I feel. She asks for just ONE night to hang out, and If I still feel the same way then she will accept it and move on. I told her no, we had that night at my cousins. You didn't do anything wrong there, it was actually a nice night, but I just didn't feel it, I realized then that I don't love you like a husband should, and I'm not in love with you anymore. So I canceled the Thursday night cookout, because I knew I would feel the same way and it wouldn't be fair to you. I then asked her to please leave and she asked just a few more minutes, to sit and take it all in which I gave her.

 

5 minutes of silence goes by and I politely say "Ok, you're gonna have to go now, please. I rest my hand in the lower of her back and guide her to the front door,then I go outside and she just stood there, not wanting to leave. She wasn't angry or yelling....just having an extremely hard time of letting go and giving up. After a few more times of asking her to leave, very politely, I picked up my phone, hit some numbers and held it to my ear and said "no ma'am, it's not an emergency, and there has been no disturbances. My soon to be exwife doesn't want to leave and Id like an officer to escort her off."

 

After hearing that she looked even sadder, walked to her car and left.

 

It hurts so bad to be the one to turn her down and keep telling her no, but I've been sticking to my guns. I texted her 10 minutes later to tell her that I didn't actually call the cops, and she said "I'm sorry for everything"

 

Then yesterday she texts me asking if I would be willing to let her move in for a little bit to get back on her feet, cause her roomate flaked out and will not be moving in, and she can't afford to stay there another month. I told her I was sorry, but I can't do that. She tried asking in many different ways, assuring me that there would be no feelings and that she would cook, clean, do whatever, but just doesn't want to leave Stephenville. As much as it tore me up inside, and I almost started tearing up, I told her no again.

 

When I went to get the dogs from her house and things were amicable. We kinda talked just like friends would, and she told me she was going to have to move down to Austin at the end of the month. I showed empathy for her, as I would hate to live in Austin. Things went well, and she said "are you SURE you dont want to try again?" I said no, sorry but I can't" and she said "ok".

 

She then asked if I'd be up for something that has nothing to do with us getting back together. I said sure. She wants to go out to eat dinner one night before she moves to Austin, and I said that'd be no problem.

 

Things are progressing.....very slowly. I'm assuming this whole back and forth, "One party wants it to work out more than anything and the other doesnt" is a common occurrence.

 

Now, as for not wanting to go inside to argue, here is why, and it may sound strange...

 

Have you ever walked into a house and just felt uneasy? Like you weren't along or something was watching you? Well, I'm pretty prone to that sorta thing, sounds weird I know. But usually when I feel that way, come to find out later that it has rumors of a haunting, or something bad happened in the house many years ago, and so on. I've never seen a ghost though. Well THIS house, I don't have that feeling at all, it feels like it was a happy home all it's years, just feels normal and I feel like I'm right at home when I walk in the door, which I like. Well Thursday night, I went into the kitchen to get a glass of tea, and went back to bed. As soon as I closed my eyes I saw a face come at me, startled me, but I opened my eyes to nothing and chalked it up to 1) I'm psyching myself out cause it's a new home, 2) I hadn't had but 5 hours of combined sleep over the last 3 days, so I was pretty tired. The morning I woke up and walked in the kitchen, and two things from the counter top were on the floor. A picture and a small ziploc bag of dog food that only had about 10 pieces left in it. Kinda thought it weird as there is NO airflow in that room, fan doesnt work and the house runs off AC units, and the kitchen doesnt have one. So I put them up and went about my day. Thinking on this, when she wanted to come talk, I didn't want to do it inside, and have all the negative energy from the both of us arguing having any adverse affect on what may or may not be there.

 

Got home from playing army over the weekend, nothing had moved, everything was fine and I still felt happy in the home. Went and took a good second look at the dog food back and sure enough, there was a hole in it! Wheww, just a mouse!

HA!

[NervisPervis]

DELETED.

 

Sorry. I should have read further. I usually do. Sorry for yor pain. Good luck