Is he interested?

[EvoRacer]

I'm gonna be moving to Toronto very soon. I may end up living there. Meanwhile, i met a guy through a "motor racing" forum board. I didn't know him personally at first.

 

What we both didn't realise was that Nov 2003, we spoke to each other at my workshop. . sweet. . but anyway . . .

 

He responded to a topic i had posted on the forum board & was very intested after i send him a private msg, thanking him. . .

Ye he sounded very surprised & happy that a girl wanted to be her country's first drag racer. . .

 

So we started talking more. . . i've to say everyday. . .then he'd look forward talking to me every night.

 

We're both Sagittarians & also married & divorced. We share the same passion & that is motor racing. . he said his wife left him cuz he was too busy with his racing . . . duhh, he's a mechanic what would u expect.

 

He was the one who told me to go Toronto, life is better & he could build me a car to race all summer . . ye he is down to earth, cool, but out spoken. . very straight up . .

Sometimes he acts as if love don't mean much to him, but as if i sense a connection between us.

 

There are times when he makes remarks/comments, then a day or so after his tone changes again.

I suspect he may be interested, but i also know after 11 yrs he hasn't been very close to any woman. . except casual dating.

 

He knows i'll be in Toronto in a few months & although he's not using the words, i know he's happy about me going there. Could it be he's interested in me but afraid to show his feelings?

Being a SAG woman & having had experiences, i understand him to an extent.

 

Do you think anything is likely to come out of this f/ship when i get to Toronto?

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. There aren't even very good likelihoods. We have had one poster who fell madly in love with a woman in the US, moved across the ocean to be with her after a fairly long LDR where they were making plans to marry, and then she dumped him.

 

People can't even figure out how their relationships are going when they live in the same house; the problem is compounded when you're not physically close. He could be a liar or a jerk. He could have fifteen other women friends online and you'd not know.

 

Enjoy Toronto - it's a great place - and I hope things work out for you and this guy. Just try not to get your hopes up too high and you'll be fine.

[EvoRacer]

Ok take for instance that he knows 2 friends of mine who live right here with me. . .

These guys are all into motor racing as well. . i mention casually that i like one of them & sometimes jus for conversation i mention that the other one wants to take me out for dinner. . . (which i lazily decline)

 

But now he knows i'm not so interested in these guys, but only in motor racing. . he knows how badly i'm focusing on that. .

 

So then why is it that when he says he's kidding, he talks about the two guys. . like in some sort of teasing way. .

 

I told him Ernie ask me out to dinner & he said i should go, but order the most expensive cuz he shouldn't want from a woman & not feed her well . . so we had a good laugh about it . . then he said, "Girl i'm jus kidding with you"

 

Keep in mind i don't often talk about these other guys with him . . once in a while to keep conversation bit interesting . .

So last night i told him that i called Ernie & cancelled dinner cuz my allergies had me down. He laughed & said i'm a chicken. The he tease me & said, "Look now Ernie is sad cuz u didn't go out to dinner with him"

 

I ask him how the heck he knows that. . he ignored me & then change back the topic. . .

He wanted me to look at the motor racing forum board & see if the pics he posted came out all ok. . . so i did. . i told him they look great. .

Then he said, "Thanks girl you're the best"

 

After that he said he was goin out for a drink with the guys. So i said okay . . . But i fell asleep & don't recall seeing him online later, it was very late anyway.

 

That was the first in a long time he went out cuz he's online, on time every night talking to me. . & he always tells me when he's about to do something . . so far i.e

 

Is there anyway i could diplomatically put him to a test?? Jus for sake of curiosity, maybe a little fun

[USAsian228]

You straight female sweethearts... god love y'all... Let me point out some things that concern me:

 

"I'm gonna be moving to Toronto very soon. I may end up living there. Meanwhile, i met a guy through a "motor racing" forum board. I didn't know him personally at first. "

 

Sweetie, you seem to have just met Speed Racer. You are already considering changing your entire world for him and moving to another country. Quite a commitment - I know he revs up your engine, but you cannnot be too careful. Above all else, in this instance, you come first. The fact that you exchanged a few words back in good ole' 03 means nothing. This isn't fate - this isn't the gods smiling on you - this isn't a sign from the Lord, so don't use it to justify the dream world you have desired for years. Life doesn't work that way, sorry to say.

 

"he said his wife left him cuz he was too busy with his racing . . . duhh, he's a mechanic what would u expect. "

 

Uh, honey, if i were you, I'd expect the same treatment. That is what i call settling, and lots of really great gals do it... Why? I don't have that much time right now, but i sure know why.

 

Here's what I would have expected - and what I would make clear and test run before you start your engine and race up north - I don't care if he is Bill Clinton with a pack of interns - He better put me before racing, and that, my dear, is where the rubber meets the road. This is a RED FLAG. Time to make a pit stop and think about all this. He may be your winning car right now, but picture yourself in his ex-wife's position, because she is you. A new race car is no substitute for a real man who knows how to balance his passions and his better half. And the woman will always be the better half.

 

Speed Racer does not know how to balance his passion with a chick, and you just know that if you pursue him, you will always be #2. Love ya and all that, but your statement tells me you need to rethink your expectations and shoot higher - remember that you are worth his time and you don't have to settle for jack squat. If you knew how you sounded right now to a gay man who has heard this same thing from countless hetero babes, you would see that this is a no-win situation for you and you are so much better than settling for a hot mechanic with a great tool. The new car he is dangling in front of you is a carrot - don't bite, sweetie, you're not a rabbit.

 

"yes he is down to earth, cool, but out spoken. . very straight up . . Sometimes he acts as if love don't mean much to him, but as if i sense a connection between us. "

 

now you have proven that you can justify most anything. and i should know. i used to be Pollyanna-ish and i was really great at it until i took my rose-colored glasses off. let me tell you what your statement really means - he is a loner who has trouble with communication and would rather be left alone in his garage than concentrate on you. or his ex-wife. and he acts like love don't mean much to him because it don't. and it should. RED FLAG. and you are already willing to change your entire world for a reality that you should already see and for the promise of a new car. You will have better luck at The Price is Right. You could win a car and there may be a real man in the audience who really digs you and will treat you as his equal.

 

you sense a connection between you and him because you want to sense a connection. sorry dear, women are just built this way... and he is really good at wooing a gal initially (most hetero males are - they do just enough to nab you and then they revert back to cavemen), but the needles fall off the Christmas tree mighty fast up north, and i bet his ex-wife will agree with me.

 

"There are times when he makes remarks/comments, then a day or so after his tone changes again.

I suspect he may be interested, but i also know after 11 yrs he hasn't been very close to any woman. . except casual dating. "

 

i truly love you straight girls, but bujeezus. sometimes you cant see the forest for the trees. let's look at this gem.... and i guess you think that you are the girl to save him and change him into Mel Gibson. Sweetie, he is not interested in you as an equal - he thinks of you as a hood ornament. cute to have around, hopefully quiet, real shiny and something he can impress his friends with - so if you want to hop up on the hood, get ready for a bumpy ride. this guy will never treat you as his equal and once again, you deserve more.

 

did you hear me? you are worth more. why is this so hard for women to understand?

 

11 years and he hasnt been close to any woman? sounds like me. and i am a big ole' butch homo. i know i don't write that way, but i can change a flat tire quicker than Andretti's crew, do it in my Kenneth Coles, never break a sweat, and look fabulous afterwards. since Speed Racer is not gay, i presume (you never know), he is obviously afraid of true commitment and has built a very comfy life for himself and his passion. You will never make him as comfy as his garage, and if i havent told you, you deserve more.

 

there's a theme running through my post and it has something to do with straight females deserving more than what they usually settle for. but i am not one to give out hints.

 

honey, your next statement sets me back, but i'm gonna push on....

 

" He knows i'll be in Toronto in a few months & although he's not using the words, i know he's happy about me going there. Could it be he's interested in me but afraid to show his feelings?

Being a SAG woman & having had experiences, i understand him to an extent."

 

you don't understand him to the extent that you need to, babe. and moving shouldn't even be on your lips at this point. you are in dangerous waters and you better stay focused on the shoreline before you drown.

 

read what i just wrote 72 times or until you really know this truth.

 

and don't you think there are enough red flags to cause you to put this thing in park for a while? you are nowhere near knowing Speed Racer, yet you have just whipped yourself up into a lather about what you think is reality.

 

"although he's not using the words?" what is he doing - sending you exhaust fume smoke signals?

 

sweetie, you seem like a really nice gal - i sure would hate to see you give up everything to be with someone like this. he is not using words because he doesn't know how to communicate properly with women.. but i bet he can build one mean ride. if the car means that much to you, here - borrow my broom and fly up there. i know you will be back in no time and tell me i was right all along.

 

Not only is he afraid to show his feelings, he doesn't really want to because that would mean switching his thought process from an engine block to a chick, and i have already told you your number in that line-up.

 

Your post is full of red flags, dear. get it together and see what you are about to do. i could cut and paste more, but i need to go right now... i will say this :

 

you are built to do exactly what you are doing - our culture has conditioned females over the years to dream of the white knight and no such knight exists. and no amount of justification on your part will change the reality and the gravity of what you are about to do to your life.

 

you are not the one to change him, save him, make him wash under his greasy fingernails, or communicate with you and treat you as the Queen that you really are. Pull your cute self into the pit, baby, you have lots of work to do before you can get back on the track.

 

oh. one more thing - you sure do seem to be willing to give up everything. i haven't heard one thing that he is willing to give up. RED FLAG. If Speed Racer adores you, he will drop his tools and race on down to see YOU. and then he will go back home, and then you should make him race on down again. and again. YOU know what you are willing to give up, which is everything. What is he willing to give up to prove that you are his Queen?

 

I bet he won't even give up a Sunday afternoon of Nascar and Budweiser.

 

You sure do seem cavalier about all this, as i read through your post again... this concerns me greatly, because it appears that you think this is some dream date game where you can conjur up tests and potions to see if he "really cares."

 

honey, take it from a gay man who has danced this dance before with lots of well meaning straight babes.

 

he doesn't care. at least, he doesn't care enough. and he is certainly not relationship ready. and i suspect that you are through with school, so don't think you can play teacher and learn him.

 

you cannot change this grease monkey, and i'll give you MY car if i am wrong.

 

Straight women reading this - wake up sisters - life is not this rosy and you better get real and look at your potential Prince Charming critically, because you need to be more focused on discovering red flags than building your Barbie Dream Life.

 

Remember your worth, think with your head and not your heart, and find a quality gay man to befriend and give you the 411 on your latest Rhett Butler. You will look at life in a completely different way after a few months, once you can see things, and men, as they truly are.

 

Don't ever settle. You don't have to.

[EvoRacer]

Thank u James for taking the time to respond to my question. It means so much to me. However, it's a little more complicated than this.

 

U see my parents have lots to do with me wanting to move to Toronto -- it's not 100% Mr. Speed Racer's doing. I was happily running the family business here in Guyana, but my folks seem to think that by me packing up my bags & running all over the world, is gonna do me good. . . they really wanted me to move to Miami, but legally it won't be possible. All i want is my independence & freedom. It's not like i don't have an idea what life is about & i can't make wise choices.

 

But now that i see all these RED FLAGS . . i'll jus be cautious when i do meet mr. speed racer. . . it's not too late i guess. . . i could still handle the situation & keep it from getting out of control.

 

Is it okay if i continue treating him as a casual friend/buddy? Well i guess i have no choice huh.

U are so right -- I DO DESERVE BETTER!

 

The sad thing is . . my other friend who is married & lives in New York, is the one who travels to see me. . even pays my ticket to get into the race ground. I know it's wrong, but he has always been there for me & never let me down. He has travelled three times for the year to Guyana for the races & to see me. We still keep in touch. However, i keep lots of emotional distance from him . . he's a great friend.

 

Once again thank u . . if & when i finally move to Toronto i'll be better able to assess the situation. I shall keep u posted, no doubt about that!

[Red Flag Rick]

hey cutie, it's scottbsl, and i think you meant me when you said james? anyway, this is my new screen name - i am now officially Red Flag Rick, and i am on a mission. i am about to start throwing red flags everywhere.

 

after a few days on these boards, i find that you are not alone. there are lots of gals making some bad choices and suffering in their struggle to find healthy relationships, and i continue to have a sincere concern for y'all's well being. There is a history of a strong connection between gay men and straight women, and there are lots of reasons why we connect with each other so well. Without going into it, just remember that we are attracted to the same gender you are, only our guys are gay. so the similarities are many, and with this in mind and with all of the experienced i have been through with my straight female friends, i cannot sit on the sidelines and watch my girls make choices that i know will eventually lead to unhealthy relationships.

 

and not to dog the guys, as i have a ton of straight male friends who ask my opinion all the time about their relationships with women. they are smart enough to see the bond between us, and they know that the girls will open up to a gay guy when they won't with their man... so my mission is two-fold - actually, i want to talk about gay relationships, too, but i see a crisis with my breeder brothers and sisters and i'll start here.

 

there are many straight guys who have no clue when it comes to how to treat a lady. and there are many straight guys who sincerely care about their own personal growth and relationships. i know because many of my guy friends access me regularly and want my opinion about what to do or what to say or even what to wear. and they ask my advice because the truly want to know what women want and how to deliver it to them. and of course, my girl friends never shut-up! (gay guys like to chat, too, so here's one area where we connect)

 

so i want to facilitate healthy connections for guys and girls, and i really think i have a perspective that can help some folks. straight girls tell their gay guy friends everything, and believe it or not, lots of guys are pretty vocal, too, so i am hearing both sides and, in addition to that, i was born on the cusp of cancer and leo - i straddle these two signs - and these two signs represent the two signs that are completely opposite from each other - leo is the most masculine and cancer is the most feminine, and i was born right in the middle of these two powerful signs of the zodiac... so when i tell you that i feel both sides, i do and i always have. some folks think its a bunch of bull, and that is fine - i know there is validity because i live it.

 

so anyway, it is difficult to give an opinion when one does not know all the facts, so thanks for sharing more about your situation.

 

remember, guys are supposed to woo the girl. they have something to prove if they want to win your affection, and you need to watch what they do and take this as an indicator of their commitment to you. I tend to be very direct, sassy, and maybe a bit too real sometimes, but my passion takes over and then i end up obsessing about hurting one's feelings or being too rough. but so many folks need a reality check, i think. i know i did years ago, so this is my writing style, love it or hate it.

 

If you only remember one thing, remember that you must look for red flags. this is your reality and it needs to be examined from every angle. i am sure Speed Racer has some very good qualities, but from what i know at this point, you deserve more.

 

the more i learn about you, the more comfortable i am telling you that your perspective and expectations on men and how you can find true happiness in a relationship with one is skewed - and it needs to be explored. you are placing value incorrectly, and it starts with the value you place on yourself. And sweetie, if your folks understood just how little self-worth you have, the last thing they would do is kick you out to travel the world. in my opinion, this has the potential to be severly debilitating and could devastate you if you head to one of these men and expect them to fufill your expectations. since i think your perspective and expectations are skewed, it only makes sense that you need to have clarity and take the time to define who you are and what you want out of life and relationships with men.

 

hear me when i tell you that girls like you are ripe for the picking - a man will sense that you don't place much value on yourself and if he is the type, he will jump into your life and use your weaknesses to his advantage. also, a man may not have these sinister thoughts but you will still be disadvantaged because, how can you value anything else if you dont see your own self-worth and value? so what you think is important and what you think will make you happy at this point means nothing - you have based your expectations on quicksand and you need to grab a branch immediately.

 

I strongly urge you to talk to your parents about all this and blame it on the crazy gay man who thinks he knows what he is talking about. let them in on this, babe - they need to assist you in seeking professional help, not throw you out to fin for yourself. you are in no condition to navigate the globe when you can't even navigate your life. repeat that last sentence to yourself please, and say "I" instead of "you"...

 

and i pray your parents would be horrified if they knew the dangers associated with your departure. but i see that they have not seen any red flags either, but i do not know how much you share with them. but regardless, you need family right now. and you need to find a family member and print out all this and get them up to speed on your situation. you need to stay close to your family, not leave them. and if you think this is serious, multiply it by 10,000. thats how serious i think it is.

 

don't forget that you are a stand alone unit - you need to make a choice now that has the potential to affect the rest of your life. just because parents want to push you out of the nest, that doesnt mean you have to do it. and if you go to them with all this, and they still want you out, then there is more to this than meets the eye, and you need to find the closest person in your life that you trust and spill all these beans so they can assist you immediately. if this is the case, you are in a severe crisis mode - i mean, crisis like michael jackson crisis mode. and this is one thriller that you would rather not experience, sweetie.

 

I wish you the best, but i don't think you see the gravity of your situation - i dont think you have the ability to see this, so i hope you will trust me and run for help.. and i hope you stay on this board and at least, follow my crazy posts as i attempt to shed some light on red flags and other issues.

 

for a big ole gay man, i try not to be too dramatic. but when i have the urge to shake you to the core until you see that you need immediate attention, and that you need to stay right there, i know something is very very wrong. so without reservation, and without hesitation, i urge you to seek help now. and i urge you to cast the wishes of all others aside and do the right thing for you - stay home and concentrate on your emotional health.

 

Sweetie, if you really agree with me that you deserve better, then your choice is made and you will take this action and seek help now. if you do not act immediately, you just gave me lip service about thinking you deserve better, and you've just pissed off a homo and that's really bad karma.

 

don't make me jump on my broom and hunt you down. you can do this and it takes one step on your behalf to get the ball rolling. you need guidance and folks want to help - but they won't know it until you tell them.

 

Take the first step and others who know what to do will show you the way. if i need to find a place down there for you to call, let me know. my email is this screen name with no spaces, at aol dot com.

 

this is a crossroads for you - never underestimate the power of the choice that lies before you. this is the biggest red flag i have shown you yet - and the choice you make means everything to you.

[EvoRacer]

Uhh u don't really know my family -- may i shed some light please? They happen to be the old fashioned east indian type. Always wanting to be in control, esp my dad. Did i hear someone say i need help go to family? Uhh well i've just about had enough of family, trust me.

This is one of the biggest reasons why i want to be away from then right now. I've never had the chance to live life independently & i feel i've been tremendously robbed of my youth.

 

Did i mention i got married at the age of 20 -- being 3 yrs ago? My family took control cuz they were migrating to the US & told me if i wanted a better life for me & my husband i should do what they say. So stupid me as always, trying to please every darn rod & piston went along. I spent the most miserable 5 months of my life.

When i returned to Guyana my husband was already involved with some low class woman. That was how come i ended up running my parents business. Hey my dad literally begged me to help them & since i love cars & we have a somewhat breezy life down here, i decided this was a perfect way for me to rebuild.

However, i've not thought about relationships nor had one since i separated from my husband last May. Since then all i've cared about is finding ME & doing what i like -- & right now i'd like to race cars.

The business helps a lot since it deals with services of vehicles.

 

But my family is screwed up . . my dad keeps changing his mind about his life, his business & always telling a bunch of crap. I'm sorry but i can't live his life or repair his stupid mistakes.

Right now i may be somehow blinded by these guys who're into racing, but i'm not gonna force a relationship with anyone.

 

I do have a few close friends who i talk to about all of this. It has been comforting. And the guy i mentioned -- the other racer from NY -- he was even willing to buy the business so i could run it & stay in Guyana. Of course he'll be helping himself when ever he comes, but at least he won't see me punish. How many guys get some & then take care of u after??

But anyway, he's there, i'm here & now i should be going to Canada. So what i want to do right now is get there with my first 2 priorities. Yes i'll be staying with family which i really hate. The family experience in Miami was enough already. . So i need to find the way to obtain some legal papers & get my ass a job & work hard until i can rent an apt & the rest will surely follow. Relationships will get plenty attention after that. . . so what u think?

 

Look i'm sorry but i'm just a typical "freedom" loving Sagittarian woman. . not after all i've been through, am i gonna allow family or anyone to dictate for me.

We are the planet of luck & fortune .. i know whatever job i get or where ever i live, i got damn potential to make it work! . . i love to work for what i want. This is not the day & age where my family needs to feel they still have to do stuff for me. . . i'm not a big fan of lies & deceit.

 

Thankx for listening. . .

[Red Flag Rick]

i sure wish you could hear yourself. and from what i hear now, i wonder why you even spent the time to post on this board. i figured your family was one big screwed up mess, but i tend to be very direct and lately i have tried to temper my posts some... and i guess i was secretly hoping that this was not the case about your parents - but anybody that i have spoken with that i can compare to you has always grown up in one freaky world and had a family that definitely needed help...

 

i have an indian friend so i understand a little bit about what your parents must be like - things you say sound very similar to things he says... and that is why i thew in the part about close friends of yours - so now that you have told me more, i hope you do turn to them for support...

 

but i stand by my words even more now - you truly do not know the magnitude of what is going on... no offense, but it is very clear and i pray you see this one day and get some help. and if you want to live a life based on luck and fortune, then the only thing i can say is that i sure wouldn't, no matter what my sign was... but you state you will not let anyone dictate to you so i do not feel that you will heed my advice or anyone else's, and this is a shame...

 

regarding your thoughts on what i think about your plan to move, it sounds like your mind is made up so i will just say that i have not seen a positive direction you want to take yet. and you and i both know that you are headed to canada, so just be careful and do the best you can, i guess... the more i hear you, the more i wish you would seek professional help, but your comment about relationships getting plenty of attention after that, tells me that you still don't see that this is about you first and not relationships..

 

and for somebody who is not a big fan of lies and deceit, you are delivering these two items to yourself daily, so the irony is such a sad irony in this case...

 

of course, here i am - sitting here racking my brain to try to say something that will cause you to see what i see... but i cannot think of anything... and honestly i think you have hardened to the point where you are going to do what you want to do anyway... so i just hope you get settled somewhere away from your family now that i know that deal, and i hope you will realize down the road that living one's life with your history and present mindset is not the best way you can live... and i hope that you will see that you deserve better... and that you are worth more... and i hope that you will seek professional guidance as soon as you can... and i do wish you well....