moving on into friend things from a not so good thing

[shamen]

I'm in the process of getting out of a 3 1/2 year relationship with an alcoholic and have been friends with another man for 6 years or so. The other man is wonderful and there are indications that this could turn into something more.

 

How long do I wait to try to pursue this without messing myself or him up? We've started discussions on how we feel about each other in the last year but are curiously silent about it now that I'm actually doing the break up.

 

How do I even approach it?

[freebird]

I would just speak openly about it with him. Why not? What have you got to lose? If you know what you want - go for it. If you can't speak candidly about your feelings for each after 6 years - when will you? Good luck.

 

As for leaving your alcoholic b/f - you just have to do it - you don't want to be in a co-dependent relationship. What is best for us does not always feel good.

 

My philosophy is life is WAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay to short to not go after who and what you want. If it doesn't work out, it just wasn't meant to be. Take care!

[shamen]

The problem is that I've now basically been in a relationship for the last 5 1/2 years. I went right from one boyfriend to the next. I probably need some alone time first. I haven't been single in years!

 

Combined with the fact that I want to make sure that this is not a rebound thing. It would be awful to hurt him or not really be ready for this. Wouldn't it make more sense to wait a little bit? I get the feeling that he's trying to "give me some space" right now so I can get over this current relationship before starting anything with me.

 

So, again, how long do I wait until I pursue this? I sent him an email telling him that I'd like "to talk," but I'm not totally sure what I'm going to say. Do I just explain all of this and remind him that I care a great deal about him? I don't want him to feel like he should be waiting around for me.

[sportsloving]

It is my opinion that after the end of every relationship you should take time just for yourself... to view the world, to set new goals, to recover from the heartaches or disappointments.

 

You said that you felt this man was giving you space and time, that is very commendable for him to be thinking of you. I do think you could have a full blown conversation with him, but tell him what you are thinking and feeling, and tell him that you do not expect him to just wait for you, but you do need to get back on track.

 

I wish you the best, as for the time limit, everyone is different. Some can recover faster than others, some need more space. It is when you are ready... that is your time limit.

 

Good luck!

[freebird]

I went right from one boyfriend to the next. I probably need some alone time first. I haven't been single in years!

 

 

You SHOULD probaby have some alone time - I honestly, don't think you know who or what is right for you until you've been alone to reflect on what makes you happy. If you are never alone, how else will you truly discover yourself and what you want?

 

I broke up with someone a year ago just about, and I'm glad I'm alone - I know NOW that I would NEVER date someone like him again. Being alone for awhile after a break up helped me to learn about myself and what I desire, what makes me happy and I would never have done this without that down time getting to know myself.

 

As for your other comment: that you don't know what to say - I think you just did - re-read your last paragraph.

 

Just tell him straight up what you just wrote to me - I think that is really a wonderful way to break it down - it's honest, it's to the point and it's NOT hurtful. IF he does get hurt, you were certainly not intending that - you just need to find yourself. SCREW GUILT! It's a heavy thing we all carry around with us that burdens us and makes it hard for us to move forward - but the good news is - you can just DROP the guilt like a bag of rocks - it's that easy. Good luck!

[Pipi]

Go for time alone first - best bet - you need some space to get over the relationship and to relearn about yourself, it really really worked for me. I think when we are in relationships we put too much energy into the other person and focusing too much on 'two of us' rather than ourselves. I felt I almost lost myself when i was in a relationship.

 

As for the nice friend - if he's been around for years then its likely that he will continue to be around, don't see why good things are not worth the wait, let him know that you need some time and space, I recon give yourself like a time frame eg. two months or something then revisit those feelings. You might really need your friend's support over the break up.

 

Go you brave soul!!

[shamen]

Thanks everybody! Your reminders were definitely things that I needed to hear. You're right, I do need to take some time for myself and as Pipi said, we've been friends for years, so this probably won't change.

 

He's been away this weekend, so I haven't heard from him about my request to talk yet. Think that I will just talk honestly about what I've been feeling when we get the chance to. I hope that it goes well! I'll let you know what happens.

[shamen]

Unfortunately, I haven't back from him after I wrote him the email. I feel really bad about the situation. I'm hoping that all is good... ? I know it seems silly, but it's been 5 days of no contact, which is pretty unusual for the two of us. Maybe I pushed too hard?

 

Also, the ex (who I still live with) returned to town last night. He's been staying a t a friend's house since he got back, but now I have to deal with him for the next few days. He told me that he's coming back here (to our place) tomorrow in that his friend doesn't want him there for too long as he lives with his girlfriend. Don't know when he's leaving again for work (he travels a lot, hence the still living with me since he hasn't had time to look for a place).

 

I know that I've got to stay strong during this break up and I've got lots of friends to support me, but I've been so mopey lately. I'm so looking forward to the day when the ex is gone.

 

Any ideas on why the friend hasn't responded? Maybe he just thinks I'm a jerk for bringing it up now in this weird time? Now I'm hoping that we do remain friends all of a sudden.

[shamen]

After I sent the first email telling him that I'd like to talk, I recanted later saying that we didn't need to talk about it because I felt bad about elevating the situation. Told him that I needed to get over the break up.

 

Still haven't heard from him and this is the longest that we've gone without speaking to one another since we've started emailing to each other a while back. Why would he stop speaking to me when I'm going through this break up when I could really use his friendship? I know, he doesn't really need to hear about this stuff, but I kind of feel like he's avoiding me now... Not that I need to specifically discuss the break up with him, I just miss the friendship. I'm also totally dumb for saying something and then recanting! But I can't do anything about that now.

 

I know that sometimes he sort of shuts himself off from the world, so I'm just hoping that there is a completely different reason for the loss of contact.

 

I don't want to email him or call, as he might think I'm stupid, or worse, desperate, rebounding, or psycho.

 

I'm hoping for a response to this originally old post! My friends are telling me totally different things: call him, ignore it, wait a while and just talk to him when you see him next. Please help! I need an opinion from someone who doesn't know me or him.

[shamen]

It's been a long time since my last post on this subject... A lot has changed. We went from not speaking to speaking again.

 

And then I kissed him. And he kissed me. I feel like a 15 year old.

 

I finally broke it off completely (first in April, 5 months of being broken up and then sleeping with my ex, off again 2 weeks ago). I feel really good about it.

 

It was good to smooch the friend. Definitely a little weird, but good. I'd like to do it again. I hope that he does too. It was way more than smooching, but not quite sex. I'm 35, by the way. I just sound like I'm 15. I'm giddy with the thought of being with him. It would be nice to spend another night with him... And then another morning laying in bed with him.